I dreamed of death last night. Not that I was dead, but I was dying. I was with someone and they had hooked up the chemo to my hand. I thought about it and thought I was just too tired to do anymore chemo so I took the chemo out. Then I started thinking I am only 48 years old it isn't fair to mom and dad for me to die, so I tried to put the chemo back in and I couldn't. I started thinking about death and its finality and thought I can struggle a little more...
Now I don't know how I came up with my age, but I do know that I didn't have chemo when I was 48. I think the dream had something to do with the diet, but I just don't know. I will ponder it and get back to you on that.
Water ... ugh ... I decided I was dehydrated yesterday so I started to drink more water. Trying to get back to drink flush drink flush. So I kept drinking all day and all night and finally I feel hydrated again, however, I am totally sick to my stomach. I have drunk so much water my stomach aches. I try and wake up and drink cold water in the morning before anything (they say that will jump start your metabolism that it is harder to process cold water then warm water - and I am trying to do exactly what they tell me to do.) This morning I got up and downed 16 oz of water then finished what was in my bottle (maybe 4 ozs) and I was sure that I was having some kind of attack. It almost felt like what it feels like when I overeat, but this time no delicious food was involved. So we know that 20 oz of water over fills my stomach, I am not sure if that is a lot or not. But I do know I just put 1.33 pounds in my stomach. I have to think about this for a while and I will get back to you.
Finally my leg was killing me yesterday. TH thought hamstring, T2 thought hamstring or sciatica (sp), I just don't know, but I do know this stupid diet won't let you take pain relievers, so I was in pain for most of the day and that put me in a bad mood. Maybe that is were the dream came from. Anyway I woke and the pain is gone.
So it is raining today. I haven't worked in a week, maybe today I will work.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Day 26 - Optifast Part II
So the shakes taste terrible (it is mostly the aftertaste) and they can come through your pores (like garlic), but I haven't been hungry on this - yet. The last time I dieted with a program I was always hungry and light headed, neither which has been a problem on this diet. Nor have I had much in the way of cravings of other food.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss food. I do. Alot. When TH makes eggs I miss eggs, when TH makes toast I miss toast, I am sure you get the picture. But just on my own with no food cues around I don't miss anything. I don't know if this is unusually, but to me it tells me that I eat alot with my eyes. I don't spend my whole day thinking about food and I don't think often (I think about it sometimes) about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet.
On those days that I think about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet is usually triggered by a picture. But it has a lot to do with when I last ate also. If I haven't had a shake for a while and I see food I am triggered, but if I have had a shake then not so much. They say that there is no appetite suppressant in the shake, but I am not so sure. However, in group I hear about 3/4 of the group are hungry all the time - so I guess that is what makes a horse race.
One of the things people complain about in group is the amount of food ads there are. I already knew this from 30 years ago when I did my first major diet. I sat in the group stunned that these people didn't know that. Was I the only one who had dieted before? It kind of bothered me. Was everyone else virgin dieters?
The only thing negative so far is I am bit depressed. I vaccilate between thinking I have to do this for the next 82 weeks or I am going to fail. Sometimes I just want to burst out crying not because I am hungry or tired, but because I have this huge hill in front of me and I don't know if I can make it to the top. I know I only have 12 more weeks on the shakes and that freaks me out. In some ways I wish that I could just lose all the weight on the shakes and then try real food, but that isn't how the program works. I can, though, stay on 3 shakes a day and the rest regular food - but what is regular food. Well I have 3 more months to figure that out.
And that is it so far...
But that doesn't mean I don't miss food. I do. Alot. When TH makes eggs I miss eggs, when TH makes toast I miss toast, I am sure you get the picture. But just on my own with no food cues around I don't miss anything. I don't know if this is unusually, but to me it tells me that I eat alot with my eyes. I don't spend my whole day thinking about food and I don't think often (I think about it sometimes) about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet.
On those days that I think about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet is usually triggered by a picture. But it has a lot to do with when I last ate also. If I haven't had a shake for a while and I see food I am triggered, but if I have had a shake then not so much. They say that there is no appetite suppressant in the shake, but I am not so sure. However, in group I hear about 3/4 of the group are hungry all the time - so I guess that is what makes a horse race.
One of the things people complain about in group is the amount of food ads there are. I already knew this from 30 years ago when I did my first major diet. I sat in the group stunned that these people didn't know that. Was I the only one who had dieted before? It kind of bothered me. Was everyone else virgin dieters?
The only thing negative so far is I am bit depressed. I vaccilate between thinking I have to do this for the next 82 weeks or I am going to fail. Sometimes I just want to burst out crying not because I am hungry or tired, but because I have this huge hill in front of me and I don't know if I can make it to the top. I know I only have 12 more weeks on the shakes and that freaks me out. In some ways I wish that I could just lose all the weight on the shakes and then try real food, but that isn't how the program works. I can, though, stay on 3 shakes a day and the rest regular food - but what is regular food. Well I have 3 more months to figure that out.
And that is it so far...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Day 25 - Optifast
Per T2's request - My first 4 weeks.
I had serious concerns starting out on this diet whether or not I could handle just drinking the Optifast shakes and not knowing what the shakes tasted like. Furthermore, I was/am traumatized over what I am going to do after the 17 weeks and I have to fend for myself. In many ways it was like adding a baby to the family, not knowing if I can handle it, but knowing I couldn't just give up.
TH emptied all cupboards and refrigerators of all food for that first week only to find out that the actual shakes didn't start until the following week. Instead of loading up the house with food again I just bought the product on line and started three days early.
The week before I started I had a farewell party for all my favorite foods, Indian a couple of times, pizza, steak and cake with lots and lots of icing (oh and donuts, hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, sushi and cookies). I literally ate myself sick that by the time I started I was happy not to be eating, which made the first day very very easy. Sort of...
The shakes are nasty tasting, and I didn't know that they needed to be blended so the first shake I had was chocolate and I had these big wet brown clumps that made me gag when I tried to swallow them. I tried in the beginning to make the shakes a meal, sit down and enjoy, but there is no enjoying these puppies, I drink them to sustain myself nothing else. I tried putting ice and making frozen shakes, but it just took longer to drink it down, and the shakes leave a really bad after taste. I went to kiss T and she keeled over in a dead faint. I personally think that she was exaggerating a bit, but if it smelled as bad as it tasted maybe not so much huh.
When I went in the first day that we were to start the product I had lost two pounds, (I am thinking maybe more since I did kind of pig out for 4 of those 7 days), so I was off and running a bit ahead of the pack. Yea ME!!
Throughout the first week I had no problem with the product except that they taste terrible, and I did discover the soups are delicious (no aftertaste)!!! I make the soup the last item of the night and it is like my desert for the day. I look forward to the soup.
So that first week I diligently drank my shakes taking a little sip and then some water - oh yea 64 oz of water a day. From someone who doesn't drink water that was a tall order and it was wrecking havoc with my system. Drink flush drink flush drink flush - all day and all night.
So the second week I just couldn't stand it anymore - I poured the shake into the glass and drank it down in a single gulp. Ten seconds at the most and it was done. I do that with the water now too. I get up in the morning pour two glasses (20 oz) of water and down it. Then I get my tea!!!
There is much more to tell, but you will have to wait until tomorrow. As my ex-boss T says Happy Friday!!!
I had serious concerns starting out on this diet whether or not I could handle just drinking the Optifast shakes and not knowing what the shakes tasted like. Furthermore, I was/am traumatized over what I am going to do after the 17 weeks and I have to fend for myself. In many ways it was like adding a baby to the family, not knowing if I can handle it, but knowing I couldn't just give up.
TH emptied all cupboards and refrigerators of all food for that first week only to find out that the actual shakes didn't start until the following week. Instead of loading up the house with food again I just bought the product on line and started three days early.
The week before I started I had a farewell party for all my favorite foods, Indian a couple of times, pizza, steak and cake with lots and lots of icing (oh and donuts, hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, sushi and cookies). I literally ate myself sick that by the time I started I was happy not to be eating, which made the first day very very easy. Sort of...
The shakes are nasty tasting, and I didn't know that they needed to be blended so the first shake I had was chocolate and I had these big wet brown clumps that made me gag when I tried to swallow them. I tried in the beginning to make the shakes a meal, sit down and enjoy, but there is no enjoying these puppies, I drink them to sustain myself nothing else. I tried putting ice and making frozen shakes, but it just took longer to drink it down, and the shakes leave a really bad after taste. I went to kiss T and she keeled over in a dead faint. I personally think that she was exaggerating a bit, but if it smelled as bad as it tasted maybe not so much huh.
When I went in the first day that we were to start the product I had lost two pounds, (I am thinking maybe more since I did kind of pig out for 4 of those 7 days), so I was off and running a bit ahead of the pack. Yea ME!!
Throughout the first week I had no problem with the product except that they taste terrible, and I did discover the soups are delicious (no aftertaste)!!! I make the soup the last item of the night and it is like my desert for the day. I look forward to the soup.
So that first week I diligently drank my shakes taking a little sip and then some water - oh yea 64 oz of water a day. From someone who doesn't drink water that was a tall order and it was wrecking havoc with my system. Drink flush drink flush drink flush - all day and all night.
So the second week I just couldn't stand it anymore - I poured the shake into the glass and drank it down in a single gulp. Ten seconds at the most and it was done. I do that with the water now too. I get up in the morning pour two glasses (20 oz) of water and down it. Then I get my tea!!!
There is much more to tell, but you will have to wait until tomorrow. As my ex-boss T says Happy Friday!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 24 - Walks part 3
Yesterday was a non human day. Meaning I saw only TH and only talked to T2. I am not a very social person and find nothing wrong with having no contact with people at times. Actually I think it is genetic, because I could go long periods of time without contact with the outside world (much like my GM) unlike TH who needs it all the time.
Anyway I do see people when I walk and after yesterday I wouldn't mind seeing just a few less. We should change the name of Candlestick Park to make out point. During the summer it was drug point and I guess during the winter it is make out point. So I am walking along minding my own business when T wants to go chase after something in the bushes. She is yanking on my arm and whining like a horse, and I had my head phones on so I just screamed at her to stop pulling me. I looked into the bushes to see what it was that she was getting so excited about and up popped a man zipping up his pants and next came a woman straightening her blouse. Now I don't know if they were fornicating or not, but I have my suspicions.
Then we get to our turn around place and there on the wall is woman with her legs wrapped around a guy and they are having a heavy duty suck face session. I never know whether to let them know I am there or not. Then we get to the picnic area and there at the table I see the same scenario that I saw on the wall. And then when we got to the fishing wharf I saw it again.
Finally we are walking back to the car and there on the lawn is a man and a woman out in the open for all the world to see. You know I could have turned the other way and walked away, but it is a public park and I was not going to let some young kids chase me away. We walked right by, and Taya wanted so much to investigate (you know humans on her level) but I dragged her away. We got to the car with no more incidents. I do have to say I am not real keen about going to that park again on a sunny day. You know maybe it was just the excitement of the Giants winning made everybody randy. There was a parade downtown and I missed it - but so did they.
Anyway I do see people when I walk and after yesterday I wouldn't mind seeing just a few less. We should change the name of Candlestick Park to make out point. During the summer it was drug point and I guess during the winter it is make out point. So I am walking along minding my own business when T wants to go chase after something in the bushes. She is yanking on my arm and whining like a horse, and I had my head phones on so I just screamed at her to stop pulling me. I looked into the bushes to see what it was that she was getting so excited about and up popped a man zipping up his pants and next came a woman straightening her blouse. Now I don't know if they were fornicating or not, but I have my suspicions.
Then we get to our turn around place and there on the wall is woman with her legs wrapped around a guy and they are having a heavy duty suck face session. I never know whether to let them know I am there or not. Then we get to the picnic area and there at the table I see the same scenario that I saw on the wall. And then when we got to the fishing wharf I saw it again.
Finally we are walking back to the car and there on the lawn is a man and a woman out in the open for all the world to see. You know I could have turned the other way and walked away, but it is a public park and I was not going to let some young kids chase me away. We walked right by, and Taya wanted so much to investigate (you know humans on her level) but I dragged her away. We got to the car with no more incidents. I do have to say I am not real keen about going to that park again on a sunny day. You know maybe it was just the excitement of the Giants winning made everybody randy. There was a parade downtown and I missed it - but so did they.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Day 23 - Exercise maven
Last night was all about exercise. I was sitting in the lobby and here comes this very short woman who had a cart full of mats and balls. I wasn't paying that much attention, just noticing how short she was when they called her name.
Now this woman, was very short, but everything else was in proportion. Did I mention she was very short? Maybe 4'10. The reason I keep bringing this up is I don't remember her being so short. TH and I had met her when we went to try the personal nutritionist. She had done the intake, and we both really liked her. She was the physical guru and the other one was the nutritionist.
When I realized where she was from I got really embarrassed because we had discussed with the nutritionist how this was not what I wanted to do. The nutritionist felt it wasn't the best program and told us to follow her diet plan and I could lose 4 pounds a month. So here I was not taking the nutritionist advice and I don't know how that translated to the other one, but it did.
She recognized me and it was all downhill after that.
While we were doing exercises we were suppose to do this chair exercise but you needed both sides of the armrest so I got up to let the person next to me do it and she saw me standing there and told me to come sit by her. I said no I didn't want to look like the teachers pet. I think I hurt her feelings.
Seguing into the next topic, T and I did go for our walk yesterday, I wanted to walk for an 1.5, but we ended up only walking 1 hour. I could have done the full 1.5 hour, but dingleberry here started to foam at the mouth and I got all worried that she was going to pass out. I didn't bring any water with me so she just got way too thirsty. I am thinking of maybe carrying a camelback, so carrying the water won't be so hard on my shoulder and I should be able to carry more water that way. In Candlestick they have these stations along the way to do similar strength exercises. I haven't done strength exercises ever, so this should be very interesting!!!
Please note I did not do what many do and say seguing smoothly - do I know my vocab or what.
Til tomorrow.
Now this woman, was very short, but everything else was in proportion. Did I mention she was very short? Maybe 4'10. The reason I keep bringing this up is I don't remember her being so short. TH and I had met her when we went to try the personal nutritionist. She had done the intake, and we both really liked her. She was the physical guru and the other one was the nutritionist.
When I realized where she was from I got really embarrassed because we had discussed with the nutritionist how this was not what I wanted to do. The nutritionist felt it wasn't the best program and told us to follow her diet plan and I could lose 4 pounds a month. So here I was not taking the nutritionist advice and I don't know how that translated to the other one, but it did.
She recognized me and it was all downhill after that.
While we were doing exercises we were suppose to do this chair exercise but you needed both sides of the armrest so I got up to let the person next to me do it and she saw me standing there and told me to come sit by her. I said no I didn't want to look like the teachers pet. I think I hurt her feelings.
Seguing into the next topic, T and I did go for our walk yesterday, I wanted to walk for an 1.5, but we ended up only walking 1 hour. I could have done the full 1.5 hour, but dingleberry here started to foam at the mouth and I got all worried that she was going to pass out. I didn't bring any water with me so she just got way too thirsty. I am thinking of maybe carrying a camelback, so carrying the water won't be so hard on my shoulder and I should be able to carry more water that way. In Candlestick they have these stations along the way to do similar strength exercises. I haven't done strength exercises ever, so this should be very interesting!!!
Please note I did not do what many do and say seguing smoothly - do I know my vocab or what.
Til tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day 22 - Blood again
Today is another blood day, I hope I don't get stuck with the intern. This is my second blood draw in two weeks and I am already feeling weak.
I went over to Big D and T1 house yesterday to go to a movie with Big D. But while there I played with Little N. She is in heat and I can only guess that it is most uncomfortable for her. We played for about half and hour and then she had to go rest. My T can't jump (to big), but this little one jumped almost 5 feet at a stand still. I wonder how high she could jump with a running start? Anyway she was jumping up grabbing my hair and falling back to the floor. For the first time in my life I am actually happy that I have fine thin hair, or she would be taking me down with her. Yikes!!! I am never able to get my dogs to lie still long enough for me to get tired of petting them, but she lay there getting a stomach rub until I got tired of it.
With T she will try and get away and I will yank her head back and tell her I'm not done cuddling. She used to be such a great little cuddlier, but not anymore. TH told me I couldn't buy another dog just to get cuddles. Just isn't fair.
Well off to the blood suckers - wish me luck!!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Day 21 - What is the magic number
I heard somewhere that it took six weeks to break a habit, and another study shows on average it takes 66 days to form a habit. The study does say that it isn't that precise, it can take for some items 18 days to 254 days. So what am I trying to do break a habit or form a new habit?
How long will it take me to be able to walk 20 miles. How long will it take to walk the 20 miles? Will I be able to do it by March 3? Presently I am walking about 2.5 miles an hour, so right now it would take 8.5 hours to walk 20 miles --BUT that doesn't take into account fatigue.
And when it is over - do I stop walking having achieved my goal? Do I always need some goal to keep me physically active. How long does that take? That I wouldn't need a goal to keep me going? At least for now I think I do, so now I have to look for something else after the walk hmm I wonder what it will be.
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