Day 324 - Crazy girl with the crazy words

Okay before I start in on the blog I have a confession to make.  I got weighed, went for a walk, but the facilitator wasn't there so I left.  Whew that feels good to get that off my chest.  And I am not even catholic, but I am confessing for two, so that is doubling my punishment.

So when I was a young girl I worked with a woman who was much much older then I, she was easily 40/50 years old, and she had moved to Seattle from New York City.  She had adopted a group of us as her kids and we were always hanging out at her house, and during that time she shared many secrets with us.  One of those secrets was a journal (or to be more precise 21 journals) she kept while living in NYC.

She was rotund, and was always working on losing weight.  She was living with her boyfriend of many many years, but he was much younger then she was.  They weren't married, but by NY common law they were (or so she said.)

Her journals told the journey of loneliness, drugs, betrayal, sex, violence, really it would have been a very dark movie.  And the first 10 journals were fascinating, but I never made it to the end.  She poured her heart and soul into these pieces of paper, you saw a woman  that was just a little step out of reality, and you felt like you were in a place you really shouldn't be.  Her world, so totally alien to me, left me empty/drained/hurt/sad. Never could I think of her the same after reading those journals. Granted I was very naive, but even if I read them today I think that I would still have a very similar reaction.

But  I soon found that they were repeating, I start reading one page and think I just read that, and soon it became clear that her journals didn't lend to a conclusive journey but more to an never-ending circle.  And the sadness permeated the pages.  She on the other hand was always jovial, laughing, making everyone else laugh.  I loved being around her.  Until I read the journals.

I had forgotten about those journals until just now.  Sometimes I speak what is in my heart, and I have to wonder is it to much?  It is a very brave person who shows their soul and I am not that brave.  Definitely not as brave as this woman was.  If she is still alive she must be 70/80 years old, I wonder if she completed her journey?

Day 323 - Sigh

Sometimes I forget why I am writing this.  Do I have something to say everyday about the diet?  No not really, but I promised to write everyday on the program and I have been trying to keep that promise - the commitment to the blog is the commitment to the program.  But it does get really difficult at times to come up with something new to say everyday.  And sometimes I can't come up with something new to say at all.

I suppose to be a true diet blog I should say I had 3 cups of lettuce for lunch and 5 ounces of chicken for dinner baked in its juices with just a dash of paprika.   But that isn't interesting to me.  Not that my daily grind is interesting either, but the question is - has the daily grind changed at all with the weight loss.

Sometimes I think a lot about the process, sometimes I don't think about it at all.  This weekend someone said that they exercise to eat, and I know that is how it will be for me if I want to eat more then 500 calories a day, but I want to exercise to exercise.  I will never do it if I think that I am exercising to eat.

Nothing magical happened to get me here, and I always worry that I won't go any further.  I woke up today and my scale was three pounds heavier then when I came home this weekend.  That is two pounds up from last week.  Panic?  No, but I am going to take a sauna, exercise for four hours, and go walking with J.  That will be good for at least two of  the pounds - then we can worry about next week next week.

Day 322 - All caught up

Well after 10 days in Washington and 4 days in Lair of the Bear and coming up I will be 6 days in Telluride I will have to come back and refocus on the diet.  Again I am tempted to go back to product, maybe for a few days.  I have to fast the day I get back, so it might be good just to take the rest of the week on product.  I don't know - will have to see how I feel when I get back.

But it has been challenging.  Trying to eat like a normal human doesn't come easy to me.  But I am finding that I like being in the "normal" world where I fit in a bit better then I used to.  All these little blips in my life - I have to make it work because I want it to work.  I have had fun, and the fun hasn't been focused on the food, but there has been that aspect of it that has been enjoyable, mainly sitting with friends eating and drinking.  Looking forward I am hoping goal we be met as planned, but I didn't lose weight over the weekend, so we can only hope that it is "water gain". 

Day 321 - One Day behind on my posts - Oski (Thank you TH for correcting the spelling) pool

So the night before there was port and chocolate (dark bitter chocolate not the good sweet kind) but the port was delicious.  As we ate I was just hoping and praying that I had done enough exercise during the day to make up for the port, champagne and chocolate.

As I stood up after that lovely tasting I felt my knee just screaming at me.  Literally screaming.  I did another first that day - Zumba.  Zumba is horrible.  I will never do Zumba again.  I was uncoordinated and couldn't get the steps.  If I had trouble figuring out how to kayak you can imagine the trouble I had with Zumba then times it by ten.  But as I tried to Zumba I wrenched my knee a couple of times and though I didn't have any problem with walking the bending of the knee was something else.

We got to bed early but I couldn't get a comfortable position because I wanted to straighten my leg, but the cot wasn't long enough.  I took some pain medications, but I really wanted my gloucasmine and I didn't bring that along.  But after some fighting with the bugs and fighting with the sleeping bag I finally fell asleep.

I was really excited about the day because I was going to be working with LZ on my swim strokes.  That is why were looking for the Oski pool.  So I went for my morning swim and T2 went for her morning workout, and I met up with LZ in the dining hall to coordinate with her.  She came up to me and said I have some bad news and my heart just sank - but all it was was I didn't have to walk to the d*** Oski pool.

I was so excited, and I got her all to myself for 10 minutes - I tell you sometimes life is just too perfect.

The lesson went well, but at the end I was trying to show T2 how the turns have changed, so I whipped my legs around to do a flip and I was sure I heard something pop in my knee.  It hurt  - but stopped after a while so I thought all would be good, but on the walk back I felt it a little.  Then when I sat for lunch I heard it pop and the thought of sleeping in that bag again another night made my head spin - so we packed up and came home.

It was wonderful - and life changing as I hope to talk about in the future.  So many new and exciting experiences. 

Day 320 - Two days behind - KAYAKING

So I was so pleased that I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, only to discover - oh gosh I forgot to take my pills.  Since one is a water pill, it kind of makes sense.  Also it made me think maybe it is time for me to talk to the doc about it.  Any way I digress.

So T2 was planning on going to yoga at 7:15 am again, and told me I should consider going to the lap swim and get some stroke tips.  Anyone who knows me knows I have problems doing "new" things.  I am "shy" and feel awkward and uncomfortable in new situations.  I always thought if only I lost the weight I wouldn't feel that way any more.  Truthfully - I didn't worry about my weight at this event, but I still was shy.  Dang I guess it wasn't the weight that made me shy.  Anyway she was a little surprised that I went to the swim alone yesterday, and truthfully I was too.  So as she tried to talk me into going to the laps class - I just didn't think I could do it, but I woke up at the break of dawn, and well why not.

There is something about being a little awkward around people, when we first got to camp we met a woman who had come to camp alone, and she was a bit shy and awkward too.  I was amazed that she had actually had the courage to come all by herself.  I wanted to give her a big hug (if I was the hugging type) and tell her she was doing great, but instead I prayed that T2 would get there fast because between the two of us we were having one big awkward moment.  T2 did finally show and saved us from ourselves.  But somewhere in my head her courage resonated and if she could come to something like this without knowing anyone and being a shy and awkward person I could be brave too.

So off I went to class.  Mind you I haven't swum for 37 years, so I was a bit nervous about it, and I was nervous that I would have - well lost "it".  And when I got there I saw the instructor and chatted with her for a bit then someone else got there, and the instructor asked if she wanted some instruction.  She didn't ask me, and I wondered if it was because she thought I didn't know how to swim or she thought that I would be a dud, or maybe thought I was just to big.  When I told her I hadn't swum for 37 years she did say I could swim in the shallow end if that would make me more comfortable.  I did my nervous little laugh and said I thought I could manage the deep end - that I did still know how to swim.

The pool couldn't have been more then 10 meters, and after swimming four laps I was exhausted.  So I stopped to listen to the instructor talk to the other swimmer, then she looked at me questioningly.  She asked if I wanted some instruction as well, and I said sure - that would be great.  Then it happened, the sun came out and I got validated.  She said I saw you swim and you have a beautiful stroke.  But you need to work on...

Happy dance.

Oh I tried really hard to hear what she was saying, but all I heard was your a natural.

The problem - I have absolutely no strength  left.  All my muscles have turned to mush and even she thought I should have been more powerful then I was.  You have a strong stroke, but no strength to go with it - poor me.  

After the class we were planning on going kayaking - again something I have never done in my life.  I wasn't really worried about it, because I feel comfortable in the water so I knew if I capsized I could swim away.  But I thought they would give me some instructions before sending us out on our own.

So when we got to the kayaking place instead of feeling comfortable and confident I started to freak out a little.  I have trouble getting up still because of my knees, and the kayak was low, I wasn't sure I would be able to get into or out of it.  Furthermore, we were told we wouldn't need to wear a swim suit and tennis shoes were fine, and I could see that it was already wet in the boat so just getting in I was going to be wet.

I started to worry worry worry.  T2 asked if I wanted to go alone and I almost started to cry.  No I needed my security blanket right then, and T2 just happened to be wearing it, so I had to go with T2.  I know I sound like one huge scaredy cat, but - well I guess I am.

They handed T2 two paddles and I went up to get my paddles and T2 asked what I was doing.  I looked at her like she was a little slow and said getting my paddles.  No, she gently explained I have your paddle, do you really think I can use two paddles?  Duh.  You know I have been in boats before, but they all had two oars - but when I stopped and looked at the paddles I saw that well you know.

So I get into the back of the boat, (without tipping mind you) thinking that was the place for the weaker kayaker.  So as we are heading out of the harbor (with absolutely no instruction whatsoever) T2 informs me that the back person is the one in charge.  So she tells me to guide the boat out.  What???!!!  So I start paddling on the right side as she paddles on the left, and she informs me that we need to paddle on the same side of the boat.

By now I know everyone thinks that I must be just a teensy bit slow on the mental side, but I had it in my head that we were suppose to row on opposite sides.  I just couldn't figure it out and in the mean time we are crashing into buoys and dingys and docks while narrowly avoiding fellow kayakers.

So T2 is yelling at me to turn the kayak right so  I start paddling on the right side and we go slamming into the dock -again- along with a completely soaking.  I look around hoping that Z and her friends haven't seen me make a complete fool of myself, and breath a big sigh of relief - no one in sight, oh yea except for that paddle boat that we rammed.

T2 tells me I need to pay more attention - I am a bit of a gawker.  Sometimes when I am driving I get caught up in the scenery or the accident that I don't always pay attention to the road, then I will hear this high pitch squeal = bad T bad T watch the road watch the road oh my god were going to run into that car oh no watch the ditch oh my god we are going over the cliff - you know I do pay attention, only sometimes do I get side tracked and they have those marvelous groves on the side that lets you know you went off the road so I don't know what her problem is.

Anyway this is getting way to long.  We made it safely back to dock.  And I realized I am very weak in the arms -
    

Day 319 - Three days behind on my posts - oh boy we have a swimming pool

So we had a great happy hour then it was time for bed.  But the first thing that surprised me was the food.  Not that it was good or bad, but how it was served.  I was expecting to go into the dining hall and have a plate with my food served to me.  Instead we had these blue trays that we were to pile our food on.  The food came on these big platters and they were passed around and refilled as necessary.  All of this was fine until I saw them walk up to one table and asked if they were done and turned around an put it on another table.  Coming from the world of food service I was initially horrified to see that, then I realized what does it matter it is just getting passed along the table anyway.  But every time it happened my little service brain did a little twitch.

The next day was full of activities, one of which was an early morning swimming exercise.  T2 had planned to get up to go to the 7:15 yoga, so I thought I would sleep in and go to the 7:45 morning water exercise - that way I could sleep in which I love to do.  However, as is my wont I did have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and to do that I had to cross hill and dale.  The night before T2 and given me instructions so I would know how to get from the bathroom to the tent (they all look alike) now here is this big boulder and here is this little patch of rocks you want to turn right after that.   So when I did have to go to the bathroom at two in the morning I could easily find my way back.

I woke up as usual and it was freezing, and I thought no - I am not going to get up.  It is all in my head I can hold it until light.  So I forced myself back to sleep only to wake up 45 minutes later in dire need.  I pulled myself out of the sleeping bag and headed out the door.  I got about half way there when I discovered I had forgotten to put my glasses on, so I traipsed back to the tent put my glasses on and headed back out.  When I went it was more like a trickle then a stream and I thought - hmm I could have held that.  Back in the tent I grabbed my phone to see what time it was and found it was 3:30 - I had four more hours of sleep - three hours later I finally dozed off.

The swimming was fine -but not so hard, the walk was fine, but not so hard, but trying to find the Oskie pool - now that I nearly died.  It felt like it was going on a 100 degrees and I felt like I kept climbing and climbing and climbing.  Panting, telling T2 maybe we could drive - its all down hill back, lets get the car and drive to the pool (have to save it for another blog why I had to find the Oskie pool) after awhile I really started to whine, I am not walking to Oskie pool, I am going to drive when I go, then 50 minutes into the walk I am starting to panic.  No way are we going to get to the Oskie pool and back in time for my first ever massage.  We finally gave up on trying to find the pool only to later discover we were less then a quarter mile from it.  But I was tired and sopping wet and wanted/needed to take a shower before the massage.  As we were walking back I started whining to T2 that maybe we could drive to the massage parlor - but as usually she ignored me.  I am beginning to believe that when I whine she has an off switch and really doesn't hear a word I say.

Yes, I had a massage.  How did I like it - well when she said okay we are done now -my response was Yay!!  I was absolutely horrified that I had said that, and I just didn't know how I was going to fix such rudeness, so I didn't try.  But I gave a bigger tip then I was originally going to give.  Enough said.

A very full day of activity, and by the time we got back from our massages (it was T2's birthday don't you know) it was time for happy hour.  Two glasses of champagne later, I was definitely feeling good as we headed to dinner.    The only thing I remember of dinner was the dessert.  I was going to try and eat like a normal person on this trip and that included deserts.  Deserts are us.  This desert was so scrumptious I had to stop eating it after the first bite.  I knew if I didn't I would go back and eat the entire tray and probably go from table to table taking crumbs off my fellow campers plates.  It was delicious.

Then to top off the most perfect day was a talk from LZ who swam the english channel in 1994.  She was one of the best speakers, engaging, funny and of course very very nice.  She was suppose to talk from 8-9pm, but she stayed and talked until 10pm.   (She has now become my number one hero.)  So off to bed and to tell the truth I slept very very good - I didn't even wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break - the first time in like 10 years.  Wow is camping wonderful or what.

Day 318 - Four days behind - At Camp Blue

So surprisingly I was not nervous about it at all as far as I knew.  I had no idea what so ever what this camping experience was going to be like, but I was a little concerned about the bathrooms.  I asked Z before hand if they were outhouses, and she assured me they weren't, but on my last camping trip they told me there were bathrooms and there weren't.  I DO NOT CONSIDER OUTHOUSES BATHROOMS.

When she assured me that they flushed I got a little concerned about the showers, and she assured me that there were showers.  Then I started to worry that they were public showers like in high school.  I had decided at that point that I could go three days without a shower, maybe the people around me couldn't handle it but that was just too bad.

So I packed up the car, I took sheets, blankets, futon, and sleeping bag.  When I had everything packed in the car I made up a list of the things I still needed to get, and oh yea I still had to get T2's stuff in the car - so I asked her if she would mind holding her suitcase as the trunk of the car was already full.  When she saw the futon taking up half the car she told me to take it out.  But but but I am afraid the mattress will be too hard.  She gave me this odd little look and said mattress?   Yea mattress - Z told me that they had little cots with mattresses on them.   


When she had stopped laughing she told me she was sure that we would be fine, that the mattress *would not* be too hard and that would mean that I could drive and not sit in the front seat holding her suitcase.

So we stopped three times to get the necessary ingredients for the trip and then headed up the mountain.  We made good time, and got checked in and unpacked.

But before we did anything I had to check out the bathrooms to make sure that we were really going to stay.  Sure enough they flushed.  And to my delight and I am sure everyone else's relief they had individual shower stalls - So we were off to a really really good start.

Z showed up minutes after us and I knew it was going to be a great weekend.

Day 317 - Five Days Behind - Work no I need my nails done

So we were invited to a "car camping" trip over the weekend, and to be truthful I had no idea what "car camping" was.  The only time I went "car camping" I was about 20 years old and a group of friends decided we would go camping.  We got marshmellows and sticks and off we went to the park.  We were going to sleep under the stars eat marshmellows and sing campfire songs (oh yea and maybe have a beer or two.)  So we got to the camp and we parked the cars (there was about10 of us) we got out lit the fire and started singing dancing and just basically having a great time, until of course I had to go to the bathroom.  I asked where the bathrooms were and they pointed me over to this decrepit looking building, and I thought geez that doesn't look like it gets cleaned much.  As I walked in I got bowled over by the smell - it wasn't a damn restroom it was a bloody outhouse.  But I had had a beer and I really had to go - really really bad, so I forced my self to go, but was determined never to darken that doorstep again - which meant no more drinking for me.  As the night went on the revelry got more and more, but poor me had to sit it out because I just wasn't going in the place again - ever-no matter what.

As people started to pass out or just normally fall asleep I was left awake with a borrowed sleeping bag and a very uncomfortable looking picnic table (no way was I putting my precious body on that rocky ground.)

As I lay down, I knew right then and there that this was the absolutely last time I was ever going to camp - ever.  I lay there five minutes before getting up and going to the nearest car I opened the back door and found someone crashed in the back seat, so I opened the front door only to find another crashed there as well.   My girlfriend had driven up her Celica which didn't have a very big back seat and only bucket seats in the front.  I found someone in the back and someone in the passenger seat, so I ended up taking the drivers seat.  I didn't sleep very well that night and when it was time to get up, all I could think of was get me to a bathroom.  I canvassed around to find anyone who knew anyone within a five miles radius (which there was someones sister who did live close by) and forced my friend to drive me there.  It was a little after six when we went pounding on the door, they were annoyed, but I really really didn't care.   Not only did I use the bathroom, but I used the shower as well - desperate times calls for desperate measures.

So here I was 33 years later going camping, so the first thing I did to get ready was to get a manicure.  If you are going down you might as well go down looking good.

Day 316 - Again six days behind

So hmm, I guess we stopped at Group?  I went to group without my much needed companion J and found all my companions that normally come didn't.  I was feeling a little deserted and started to wonder if maybe one day it would just be me and the Facilitator, but for now we had six.  And of the six one of them was...yes miss sourpuss.

I try so hard to be nice to her, thinking maybe I can kill her with kindness, but nope that just isn't going to happen.  I am not very comfortable about talking in public even in a small group of people, (especially since I didn't have anyone there that was part of my group) so I have a tendency to do a little nervous laugh before talking.  So when the facilitator said "T" I did that annoying silly laugh and said who me.  Now most people are sensitive enough to know that it is my discomfort in speaking in public that had me saying that, but Miss Sourpuss turns and looks directly at me and says totally seriously "Come on there isn't any other T in the room of course she means you."

It wasn't so much what she said but how she said it.  She could have made it teasing, but she had to have this annoyed sarcastic tone that I just don't respond well too.  I did my nervous little laugh and went on with my life.

But as I said before I do find her totally interesting in a warped way - like I might find watching the Titanic sink interesting.  She talks a lot.  When she checks in you might as well settle in with a good strong drink because she likes sharing her neurosis with the world.  This time she was in rare form, but it certainly wasn't new.   To sum up her "troubles" she hates thinking about her weight, she hates thinking about dieting, well actually I think she hates thinking.

I felt like saying "blah, blah, blah."

Day 315 - Or can you believe 45 weeks?

It has been 45 weeks, we fast approaching the year mark, and we will be losing Group 1 fairly shortly.  And we have less then a year left (259 days) - May 7, 2012 is the last day of the program.

I am already wondering can I do it without support?  Can I keep up the weight loss without having someone looking over my shoulder?  Having the group, no matter how annoyed and bored I may be at times, keeps me from straying more then anything else.  The watch dog effect (or is it affect I never know.)

So I sit and calculate and calculate trying to figure out will I hit goal before the program ends.  Who knows?  I am definitely losing less weight then I did on the Optifast, and I am eating out more, but I figured after all my trips, I can settle into a routine for a few months and maybe get it all off by May 7.

Oh heck maybe I shoot for May 6?

Day 314 - It happened

Well it finally happened that somebody noticed without me telling them I was on a diet.  I have been too almost all my clients and only one has noticed the weight loss (or mentioned it) but this was the first time a friend actually noticed without being told.  And she was so perfect, T you lost weight.  Then it was done.

I have to give some of my clients credit, they don't see me that often and they don't probably remember, or maybe they remember wrong.  I have had a few of them say wow you got some sun.  It was funny when one of my clients said that and I said no I don't think so and I saw the realization on their face as they went beat red and  she said oh yea never mind.  As T2 said it is like getting a really short haircut after having long hair and people trying to figure out what is different.

But unfortunately it tends to prove my point that people don't really look at really fat people.  The more interesting questions of course will be will they notice next year when I am normal weight?

Day 313 - I am so Catty

I reread this post, and it sounds more like a dear diary.  Have to laugh at myself, but I will at least try and clean up the grammar a bit.

So for Group on Tuesday we had a guest speaker who came and talked about cosmetic surgery.  The room was full of heavy people mostly those still on the optifast part, but there were a few others as well.  But as we were sitting there those "young ones" still on Optifast were still experiencing the high of  rapid weight loss, but they were asking questions about the dreaded transition.  The woman sitting next to me (I think she was from the second group, since I have never seen her on Tuesday) told them that she had lost an additional 40 pounds after the weight loss.    I started to calculate in my head how much I had lost and I realized it was only 40 pounds for me as well.  One woman was talking how she was going on 80 pounds, and I yes I was a little jealous.  They were like in week 12, eighty pounds and she has 5 more weeks on product.  Blah.

So I went out a little disheartened because he said they don't like doing the surgery with BMI over 28.  I thought that a BMI of 28 was normal, but come to find a BMI between 25 - 29.9 is considered overweight (vs ideal or obese) so that is a big phew.

Then came the bad part - they don't like doing it with people who are genetically predisposed towards keloids, because the scar is ugly to begin with and those with Keloids it would be too ugly?   Hmm ugly droopy skin or an ugly scar - let me think about that for a while.

So TH says I write too much and to make the blogs shorter, I will work on that.

Day 312 - Am I caught up yet?

Wednesday was another work day.  Thursday I had a wonderful lunch out (salmon again) and now I am all caught up.

However, the posts may be late again as I am going to be away next week again.  Maybe I can do them off line and post when I get back - we will see.

Day 311 - Tuesday Blues and Work

Tuesday was another work day - Yuck.

Day 310 - Monday Blues and Baby Koi

Before we left on Sunday we discovered that we had about 20 small fish swimming around and we are pretty sure that they are Koi.  I was so excited that I tried to put the ugly fish protector net up, but that failed miserably.  Now we have baby fish and a cat we have to care for up at GV - maybe I will move there after all.

Monday was a work day, first one I have had in a long time, and I was a little overwhelmed with all the work I have to do.  I basically haven't done anything since May, so this means that for the next month I have to work at least 10 hours a day 7 days a week to get caught up.  Yuck.

Day 309 - GV and County Fair

After yesterday's debacle with the creamsicles, I thought it might be a good idea to be "good" so to speak, but we were going to the County Fair with D & N and Baby R, so I wasn't really sure how "good" I was going to be.

When we got to the fair you could smell all the food, and it smelled a little gross (not like creamsicles at all) and I thought I can handle this.  As the day went on, I started to get a touch hungry and I started to wonder if maybe I could find something edible to eat.  I soon found myself no longer looking at the booths and animals, but I was eyeing all the food stalls, then I saw it.  My dream come true walking in slow motion towards me - it was a Foster Freeze ice cream cone.  I felt my mouth start watering, and a bit a drool came down my chin, and I knew that I had to get away, but it looked so good.  Then I ran over TH's foot with the stroller, and it all came crashing down on me.

I didn't get my Foster Freeze, I stayed true to plan (well if you don't count yesterdays four creamsicles) and I made it through the day without deviating from plan.  Good for  me.

Day 308 - Grass Valley and creamsicles

So the last time we were in Grass Valley I bought a box of creamsicles which I absolutely love, and I was very careful to figure out what I could eat so I could eat two creamsicles that day (they are 100 calories each so I had to forgo a snack.)

So all I could think of on the ride up to Grass Valley was that I had these creamsicles in the freezer (I had four left) and I could have two today and two tomorrow.  We got in and I immediately went to the freezer and grabbed one.  I scarfed it down standing at the counter while my poor dog was begging for water.  I gave her water, and thought okay I know I am only allowed one more, but I want it now so I realize that I won't get anymore today, but it would be worth it.  So I took the second one and sat on the porch and really really enjoyed it.

About an hour later my mind was still on that last one and it was raspberry my favorite, so I went into the freezer and got the other two and snuck into my office and devoured both of them.  Ah yes, how easy that was.  Thank god there were only four.

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Day 307 - Food dilemma's

Well after a week of eating mostly salmon (I have gotten in my head that salmon is the best food to buy in a restaurant) I came home and there was no food delivery for me that day, so I wanted to go out and eat something really good to celebrate my trip and yes of course I picked Indian.

Indian food has some really wonderful low calorie dishes, and it is all about the bread, naan, pooris, chappatis, and parathas.  I love all.  When I first went off the product, we had Indian fairly early on and I tried really hard to eat only half the naan, which surprisingly I did, but I did finish it later.  I have given up trying to eat only half, but I am serious about not eating more then one.  I pick the naan because it is the biggest, maybe I would have to chappatis.  All was very delicious, but of course before we went I had to do a weigh in.  I was so excited because I had lost five pounds (I was aiming for eight but I though middle of the day I will weigh less in the morning maybe six) so I wasn't too worried about what I ate that day.

Well I did over do it and when I stepped on the scale the next day I did not weigh five pounds lighter, but only one pound lighter, so I spent about ten minutes getting off the scale moving it around and getting back on.  Standing more in the middle, more on the side standing on one foot, none of it helped the scale kept reading the same amount.

I tell you it was water gain!!! 

Day 306 - Travel home

So our last day had me worrying if they would let me on the plane.  We were taking a little puddle jumper from Victoria to Seattle, and I didn't know if I could fit in regular seat.  So I tried hard hiding my fears, but every now and then I would let out a little peep of concern.

T2 kept telling me every time I peeped that I would be fine, but nerves - they just got the better of me sometimes.  I was fine, but then I started worrying about immigration and custom.  Totally freaked out - which happens when I do something new - so you ask why do I do anything new?  You got me.

A few hiccups, but I ended up home safe and sound with a happy TH (I hope) and a happy T.  Happy trip happy times.

Day 305 - Travel Day 9 - Shopping

Last day in Victoria we decided we would do the museum and then some shopping.  TH had given me a mission to find him a Beefeater, so off we went to get him one.  We were right by the Parliament building so I thought it would be pretty easy to find one, but ... well not so.

The first person we asked was at the hotel desk.  She gave that blank eyed stare and said "eh?"  Okay, she was young, we gave her permission to not know where the Beefeater might lie.  (However, when we were trying to get transportation to the Butchart Gardens which we had tickets to through a Package with the hotel she sent us to another hotel for transportation and we found out they only sold package tickets, kind of defeated the purpose of the package deal with them don't you think?)

So off to the museum store.  Asked if they had Beefeaters - again with the blank stare, then pawned off to another sales person who told us that they didn't carry that kind of tourist junk.  Try the stores on Government street.

So we went to the first big tourist junk store and asked for Beefeaters, and the guy looked at us and said we don't sell alcohol here.  When we explained to him what it was he said oh - did you try the museum store.

So on we went to the next store - again I asked for Beefeater, and again I got that stupid you mean the gin?  Okay, maybe I am a little slow.  The next one I asked for Beefeater toy soldiers.  Oh wow man what are those.

Finally I looked it up on my handy dandy iphone and came up with two places, a toy store and a hobby store.  The toy store we had to wait around for 15 minutes while he chatted up a customer who wasn't going to buy anything, but I guess she was more interesting then two middle age ladies.  When he finally deemed to give us his attention he sent us to a pawn shop.  He didn't know what it was, but he said that the pawn shop guy collected toy soldiers so he was sure they would have it.

The we went to the hobby store.  We walked in and this girl of maybe 16 or 17 asked if she could help us.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to waste my time asking her, and I thought I would just wait for the guy to finish talking, but I went ahead and asked do you have Beefeater toy soldiers?  Knock me down with a feather, she said do you mean for collectors, and I said yes, and she said yes and walked us right to them.  She knew what they were.  This 16 year old girl knew what they were!!

Anyway we bought it, then we waited 20 minutes as she tried to bubble wrap the soldier, she couldn't quite figure out how to cut the bubble wrap so she put it on the glass counter top and started slicing away with a box cutter.  Everyone in the store stopped what they were doing to watch this.  If I had the guts I would have video taped it.  Really it took her twenty minutes - ask T2.  But no one stopped her.  Both T2 and I were cringing as we heard the knife go screeching down the glass.  Well worth the price.

We did get to the pawn shop and he did have over a 100 Beefeaters, he even told us all about them.  Who would have thought to go to a pawn shop for a Beefeater?

Day 304 - Travel Day 8 - Victoria

Need I say more?

Day 303 - Travel Day 7 - Last Day on the Olympic Peninsula

So on day 5 we had walked in the am then when we got to the new lodge we walked in the pm, so all told we walked 12 miles that day.  By the end of the day I was tired, but worse I had blisters again.  It was horrible we had more days of walking and my poor tootsies felt horrible.  We went looking for moleskins, but the lodge store didn't have any (can you imagine a place were people come and hike regularly that a store wouldn't carry moleskin?)

So we decided Forks would have it.  I was excited about seeing Forks expecting it to be this quaint little town all fancied up for tourists to get their Edward and Jacob fix.  So we pull into Forks and it isn't at all how I pictured.  Nothing was quaint or fixed up, except the signs - every single retail store said something about Twilight this or Twilight that and one sign offered to give you a tour of the one lane town.  I know any self respecting vampire wouldn't be dwelling in that place - oh well.  But I did get moleskin and bandaids to heal my aching feet.

So actually Day 6 was off to Seattle, the Clipper and Victoria.  Timing was everything, so there I was fiddling with my phone that had no reception for the last 24 hours trying to get directions to the boat when I hear OH MY GOD.  Thinking we are about to hit another car I look up and what do I behold - the most beautiful black bear make a mad dash across highway 101.  That thing was moving so fast, but I was able to watch it cross.  It was beautiful and I just wanted to go up and hug it.  I am thinking of setting up a bear retreat, maybe even sleep with them.  Think I will do better the Grizzly Adam?  

Day 302 - Travel day 6 - One pooped day

Well we had a full day at the Olympic Peninsula, but we could only get a room for one night, so we had to go to another "non-luxurious" lodge further down the Peninsula, but there were more hikes I wanted to do where we stayed the first night, so we decided to get up at 6 am do a hike - check out and then head to camp number two.

The plan was to hike, checkout, go to new camp check in shower and explore.  So we did get up early, and we were almost the first one on the path, but we did come across our waitress who was just coming back from an early morning run (yuck) and she scared the bejeeses out of me.  I rounded a corner and bam there she was - I screamed like a little girl and she screamed like a little girl and she went running off as T2 came running up to see if I was dead.   The walk was beautiful and quiet, and we walked three and a half miles out (so yes we had three and a half miles back) but it was wonderful.  On our way back people were starting to show up and when we rounded a bend to a bridge a bunch of teenagers where there jumping in.  T2 tried to get a picture of one, but I am not sure she got it.  I thought better of taking pictures of the the natives for fear of them putting a curse on me.

Day 301 - Travel Day 5 - Walk in the Park

So we were on our way to Olympic Peninsula but before we left we each got a Latte and something to eat.  I had been looking forward to the Olympic Peninsula for a long time.   I hadn't been since I was a kid and I had mixed feelings about it.  I remember it being beautiful, but dark and scary.

We got an early start and I of course started to worry what if we get there too early, we won't be able to check in, or ... well just that actually.  Of course I didn't verbalize my worries because they were stupid, but it is my nature to find something to worry about.

So as we were driving along I suddenly remember that we had to go across Deception Pass, and I knew T2 couldn't drive over it, so I casually said "um you know we have to go over Deception Pass do you want me to drive?"  T2 didn't quite hear the urgency in my voice until I finally said why don't you pull over right here.  Right here on the shoulder with cars whipping by us at 100 miles an hour, yup she pulled over, and a good thing too - because the bridge was right around the bend.

Safely across the bridge we headed towards the Port Townsend ferry and into the Rain Forest.  The day had been foggy, but we didn't think too much of it until we pulled up to the ferry.  A man was in the middle of the road talking to the people so we pulled up to listen.  We found out that the ferry was running slowly because of the fog, and we probably would get on for the 1:45 ferry.  Well I thought to myself, at least we won't be early.

We got in line and scoped out the area.  We found out that the 8:45 had just left (it was 10:15 when we got there) and people who had reservations were waiting also.  So everyone who had 10:45 reservations, 12:00, and 1:45 would get on before us, maybe we wouldn't make the 1:45, so then I started to worry that we would get there to late to walk in the park.

So we settled into our seats for a three hour wait, hoping my cell phone battery would hold up as I played scrabble, but not more then 30 minutes they started to let us in.  I was so excited!!  We were going to make the next ferry!!  At about 11:15 the ferry pulled up and then they started to let people on.  Both T2 and I were dancing in our seats, so much excitement.  So they let the big RV's on, then the reservations, then the none reservations, and just as we started our car to go they stopped us.  Two cars away from getting on- Bummer!!  But we didn't have to wait long because the next ferry came in about 1/2 an hour later and we got on that one (we were actually the third last car let on, so we lucked out.)

During this whole time T2 had been keeping something from me, and as we pulled into our accommodations, my heart sank a little.  I am not the rustic type of girl, I like luxury, everyday all day, so when I saw those dilapidated buildings I was a little surprised and disheartened, but I didn't say anything.   The room was musty, and the floor in the bathroom had dirt in the corners, but I didn't see too many bugs, and so that was a good thing.

T2 knew that it was going to be like that, and she was just waiting for me to let out a howl, but heck we weren't going to hang out in the room, so what the heck right?  So we threw our bags down and off for a walk in the most spectacular park in the world.  Words can't describe the beauty of it, so I will share some pictures.

Just try and keep T2 from the waterfall 

Walking up to the falls

View from our room

Day 300 - Travel Day 4 - Sadness and hunger

We spent the last day with dad and I always get a little teary when I have to leave a loved one, but it was a great visit and he was in great spirits, so until next time...

But during the quiet times T2 and I walked, the last time we were in Bellingham we walked along this path that went along the bay, flat and easy, with the ending point being a latte in this very cute little coffee shop.  It was quite a walk for me, and I was very proud the first time I came huffing in and collapsed on the bed.  This time we went for our walk, and we got to the coffee shop, and I looked at T2 and she looked at me and we said like the bobsy twins, I thought it was further out.  So we decided to get the coffee on the way back, and off we went to explore further down the path.  As we were walking along this beautiful old woman comes panting up to us and asks if we know where the coffee shop is.  We tell her it is quite near and  she tells us that she has walked from Fairhaven all the way to the end and couldn't find it.  So  we explained to her that she passed it and she should look for a building that doesn't say bathroom on it and there it will be.  She smiled brightly and said I hope I make it.  We didn't see any dead bodies on the way back so I am sure she did, but that was my mantra last time we did the walk - I hope I can make it back.

So as we are walking and walking T2 explains to me (gently) that however far out we walk we must go back. I start to laugh because those are the exact same words I tell my friends who walk with me and I think that they are walking to far and I am not always sure that they will make it back.  You always feel good for the first four miles it is the second four miles that kills you - ya know.

But I have been regularly walking 4-6 miles, so the walk was a cake walk, which I have to say I craved desperately.  They were having a street fair or some such thing and all I wanted was to stuff my face with pizza and cake.  T2 bought some raspberries and offered them to me, but I was deep in a frenzy for cake that I told her I hated raspberries, in fact I hated all berries and all that would satisfy my craving was a big piece of cake.  I threw a bit of a tantrum, and instead of consoling me she said alright lets go back.  Go Back?  Yikes I didn't get anything to eat, and she was going to go back without me getting something to eat I was horrified.  So I ran to the first fruit vendor and bought a bag of cherries and started to devour them like I had been starving for the last  5 months.  All  during this rampage T2 blithely ignored me and continued enjoying the walk.

When I had my fill of the cherries I asked her if she would carry them because I didn't want to continue to eat them, and she said no.  So suddenly I was stuck with this dilemma - I had already eaten too many so I was hurting a little, but they tasted really good, so could I stop eating them or not.    My first thought was just to finish the bag so I wouldn't have to carry it for another two miles, or save it to eat another day.   Saving won out as I am sure T2 knew it would, but it wasn't easy.  It definitely stopped my cake craving.

And so we ended the day with a nice quiet meal and then off to bed - Another perfect travel day.

Day 299 - Travel Day 3 - Casino

I got my gambling addiction honestly from both my parent.  For my fathers 85th birthday he wanted to go to the casino.  As I had already recently been to Las Vegas, I purposely did not bring money to gamble with - I just couldn't bear the idea of losing another XXX amount so I was just going to follow my fathers lead.  It was his birthday and I thought I would stay close to him and hope that some luck would rub off on me. 

So we said that we would come over after he got up and C told us that he usually got up between 7-8, so we were up at 7 and went for coffee.  No sooner had we walked out the door (7:05) we got a call from C saying that he was awake, he would eat get dress then be ready to go.  We figured what an hour, so we went and got our coffee, and not more then 10 minutes later did we get a call asking where we were.  He was VERY EXCITED.  So we downed our coffee as quickly as we could and rushed off to pick him up for his very fun time at the casino. 

We arrived at the casino about 8:45, so neither our rooms NOR the casino was open.  This was the first casino I had been to that wasn't open 24 hours a day.  T2 said that she would talk with them about getting the room set up as soon as possible and to go on without her.  I know that she isn't big with the whole casino thing, so it was me, dad and J who I later learned loves to gamble as much as my father.

Unfortunately my battery is dying so I will post the pictures later - they will tell the story better then I ever can.  But to summarize - I was up I was down  I was really down, but the birthday boy held his own - martini and all.

Day 298 - Travel Day 2 - Walk

So the second day of travel we had some time on our hands and decided to go for a walk.  As usual the conversation was mostly about my dieting (my obsession at the moment) and my changed behavior.  But T2 posed a question about how I felt when I looked upon people who were my size when I started the journey.  My first response was to think that they repulse me, I repulsed myself at that weight so I was sure that they repulsed me as well.  Speaking that out loud made me feel like I was a hypocrite and more.  How could I not have compassion for people who are in my shoes?  How can I find morbidly obese people repulsive?  What right did I have to judge them.

So I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to justify my answer.  It embarrassed me, and I didn't want it to be true.  I went looking for large people to try and gauge my reaction to them, and hope I wasn't repulsed.  The problem was there wasn't anybody as large as I was around.  I have always been an outlaying on the bell curve and my weight is no different.  People my size just isn't seen that much.  Nobody I saw that day was large enough to repulse me. 

So I had to think what it is that repulsed me.  And the only thing that came to mind was when I watch Dune and saw Baron Harkonnen.  He was so repulsive on so many levels that I started to associate that level of obesity with the character.  So when I would really look at myself I saw this big obese floating man  with plugs in and boils and I just can't get around it.  It grosses me out.  But it is a certain level of obesity that gets me.  And as I pointed out - there is a certain level of thinness that repulses me as well.   Do I judge the individual for being to thin or to fat, I don't think you can get around it.  Not who they are, but what they do.  Similar to how you would judge an alcoholic or drug user - surprisingly similar.  And my reaction is the same - they need help, but you can't help them unless they want to be helped.  Do I understand what they are going through, yes absolutely, do I understand their struggles, again yes, could I help them, probably not.   I couldn't be helped.  I tried, I read books, I read blogs, and talked about diets, diet camps, and surgery.  I talked until I was blue in the face.  People ask how come this time.  I don't know.  Maybe I was just ready.  I will have to ponder that for another post.

Day 297 - Travel Day 1

Well as everyone knows I do not have stress free travel.  You would think that after my trip to Las Vegas I would be okay with it now, but I found my stress level rising as I got closer and closer to the departure hour.  The traumatic thoughts still went through my head, what if what if what if.

I didn't sleep real well that night, and when I got to the airport I definitely had the nervous stomach, but I just ignored it, dropped my bag off and headed to security.  The line was moving really slow, but I am my father's daughter and I do tend to get to the airport in a timely manner.  In other words it took an hour to get through security, but I still had at least an hour to wait before I boarded, lots of time to go to the bathroom. 

I always wait until about ten minutes before boarding, I do not want any problems on the plane, and I certainly do not want to use the plane's bathroom - for many reasons.  But because of my nervous stomach I went a little earlier, and when I came back there was no where to sit, and to be truthful I still had a nervous stomach (All S's out there know what our nervous stomach is) so it is always best to be seated rather then standing when our "stomach" is being nervous.  So no where to sit I started to pace, decided that maybe I shouldn't stand next to people for a couple of minutes and then pace some more.  I couldn't wait for them to call us so I could sit down.  Finally they announced the flight and invited the first class and family with children to board, so over I marched and the woman looked up surprised to see me standing there and checked me in.  I was the only one there - no one else boarded at that time I was the first one to enter the plane, I was the first one to sit I was the first one to be given something to eat and I was the first one to F, but at least there was no one else on the plane so who cares - right?

The next people that came on board was like 10 minutes later, and I wondered if I had heard her wrong, maybe she had said they would start boarding passengers - not that they were boarding passengers - hey she didn't have to let me on.   And by the time everybody came on board my nervous stomach had subsided. 

Day 296 - 5th Goal

Well happily I made the fifth goal, so now onto the 6th.  This one goal is a big one, I am now into the 80's.  I had been going up and down with my weight for  about 5 years, and I had finally hit an all time high (little did I know there were higher highs to hit) and my father being the loving and caring man he is wanted to help me lose weight so we made a bet.  The person who lost the most weight in six months would win.  I am not sure what he would win, but I would get a new outfit.

So I wasn't about to tell him my weight, and he didn't trust me to tell him the truth so T2 became the faciliatator, we both wrote down our weights and sent it to her.  I then proceeded to sign up for Nutrisystem, and asked if he would lend me the money.  He said no, so I went looking for the money to do the program.  I don't even remember how I came up with the money, but I did, (I think I sold my mom my half dollars which I bought back later) and I faithly followed the program for 6 months.  I won, I never really got my outfit, but it was a moral victory and I was satisfied with the outcome. 

When I went into the program I did not cry like a baby when I got on the scale, but I was a bit horrified by the weight.  I remember I was shaking after I got off the scale wondering how I had ended up so heavy.  I followed the program, every week going in and getting the food getting weighed going to class.  I affectionately called it my fat class.  I remember I hated the food, and after awhile I just stopped eating it, which meant if I didn't eat it I didn't eat anything because I was sticking to the plan no matter what.  

During this period I was in serious hunger mode.  My stomach was always hurting, and I was alway light headed.  It was the worst six months of my life, and I swore that I would never diet again.  If I gained the weight again, it would be just too bad.  

That is twenty one pounds from where I am today.  I want to hit that by my birthday.  Now I have two goals - a weight goal and a date goal.  It is also the one year mark on this program.  Go Team!!! 

Day 295 - Posts may be late

I am going to be out of town for the next 9 days so the post may be a bit sporadic (more then usual) but I will catch up and keeping to my promise I will have something to say on the next nine days never you fear.  I have another 279 days to post, at least I am half done. 

Day 294 - 10.5 months

Almost a year.  Dang.  Now I have to think about other things like my teeth.

So now I have invisalign or some such thing, but I can't eat with them in, so now everytime I need to eat I have to pry these things out of my mouth.  I have had them in for less then 3 hours and I know- I just know this isn't going to work.   I find myself playing with them, and if I could figure how to take them off and on in my mouth I would being doing that.  In fact give me a couple of weeks and I probably will.

So what has this got to do with dieting, well I wasn't going to ever go to the dentist again - ever, but my teeth were hurting really bad for a few years, and I just knew I had like a thousand cavities, but I didn't want to go to the dentist.  I finally said I would go if I lost xx pounds, which I did which ended me up in the dentist chair which ended me up with invisalign.  Don't ask, don't tell.

So Little T had night retainer, and I saw it sitting by the side of her bed and I got really grossed out.  I can just imagine on this here vacation at dinner pulling my invisalign out and chomping down.  This will be so fun.  Who is going to get the most grossed out.

Ha.