Day 567 - Closely coming towards my mini goal

The weight is coming off slowly, but it is coming off.  I haven't exercised this weekend, I just haven't had the energy.  And I haven't wanted to exercise.  We know that food is fuel, so it isn't surprising that my body wants to conserve energy.  I forgot last time I was on more product, and my body had more fat to burn, so I had more energy.  I am thinking of upping it, as the doctor suggested, but I am torn.  I want to be able to do it with what I started with not go backwards, but...

So I couldn't get up and swim this morning, but that is why I bought a gym membership, so I am going to swim at 1 pm.  I haven't done that before, and swimming at 1 will take me into 4 pm by the time I am home and I will be to tired to work then.  So I guess I better get started now.

Day 566 - Swimming

Dr. C told me when I swam I should drink an extra product that day because I am using up everything I have in store.  So I swam in the morning and I had decided at the start of this program I wasn't going to worry about distance or speed, just use it as exercise and to work on my stroke.

That is all good when said, but when I get in that water, I want to go fast I want to be able to beat everybody, it is in my nature.  But today it was hard very very hard.  I couldn't get the speed up even when I tried, I was very very slow and there was nothing I could do about it.  I had a set workout planned, and yes I planned for it to be easy, work on my stroke, but it was a long workout, well long for me now, so I was planning on taking it easier then I originally planned.

I got up had my bar, and took my water with me.  Everything was going smoothly until I hit about the mile mark.  I started to cramp, but I was only half done with the workout so I stretched out the cramp drank my water and continued on.

Well the cramping got more frequent, and drinking the water wasn't seeming to help, as I started to throw it up after drinking it, so I knew I was spent, but I wanted to finish the workout - I really did so I stayed in until I had a full fledged charlie horse, at that time I got out - without finishing my workout.

It was hard to put my shoes on, my leg would cramp, so I would have to massage it out, then I would try again, it was not a good swim day all around.  Maybe I will take her up on having an extra product on swim days, but I am not sure that would have helped during the swim.

Oh what is a swimmer on 960 calories a day to do?

Day 565 - Day of rest and recuperation

I am frantically working to get this audit done so TH can review it this weekend, and I have two reviews and a tax return.  None of which are going to be easy.  Work on the reviews next week, get the tax return done this weekend?  No time for a life.  How I hate work.

So I decided no exercise today.  Just relax these aching muscles and work as hard and as fast as I can.  So now would be a nice time for a nice relaxing latte.

Day 564 - Weigh in

It was a weigh in day plus med checks, so I happily skipped to class.  I didn't lose as much as I did the first time around (by this time the first time around I had lost 15.1 pounds) so I was a little disheartened.  I know I keep saying where ever I end up is where I will end up.  But I really want to finish, so I want to end up at my goal.

I am 3 pounds away from my "mini" goal, so I tried some of my mini goal clothes on.  They should have fit, but they didn't.  I realize that I have too much loose skin so the clothes aren't fitting like they did when I hadn't gained all the weight.  They are close, but for them to fit I will need to lose another ten pounds, so that just lets me know that the loose skin actually is adding a whole size.  Blech.

J told me I should get one of those body suits, I am thinking about it, but really how I am going to swim fast with all that drag?  Blech. 

Day 563 - Cookie Monster

So this is it - the last "big diet" that I go on.  But, I am having all these thoughts about what I am going to eat when I am done.  This frame of mind worries me.  Just because I am done trying to lose weight I know in my heart that I have to keep watching what I eat.

And then there is the normal fluctuation of your weight.  Am I going to wake up one day three pounds lighter and think that this is my free day to gorge myself because I have an extra three pounds?  Will I realize that I can't stop being diligent even if the scale is reading lighter then I think it should.  Or when I wake up and I am three pounds heavier, am I going to say that isn't to bad it is only three pounds?  The road to perdition starts with three pounds.

So I think about food all the time right now.  I didn't think about food before because I knew it wasn't going to be there for me when I finished.  I knew I would have another year at least to finish this weight loss, so it was more like I really don't want to go off the product because it is so easy.  Easy to lose weight.  But I made concessions for the first time.  I got done with all my work and all I had to do was focus on the diet.  I didn't have any other worries clouding my head so it was easier.  Much easier.  Now - well I am just struggling.

Oh I would give anything for a big Chocolate Chip Cookie

Day 562 - Day 19 on food

So I seem to be over my little fit of the weekend.  I was having a couple of bad days that is for sure.  Then when I got home from GV I had a message from Dr. C telling me my labs showed that I was dehydrated and my sugar was to low.  I know better then to go give blood after swimming, but well I did.

The thing is I wasn't as dehydrated as I was the last time I gave, so she should be telling me good job for getting more hydrated.  Bottom line she told me to eat another product.  I think it was an anomaly, I swam today and don't feel as bad as I did on Friday.  Oh well

Then to top everything off my sweet young puppy is in heat.  Yuck.  I have barred her from my room, the bedroom and everywhere else.  I will have to look up how long it lasts.  I hope it won't be long.

Well lots and lots of work to do. 

Day 561 - Harder then I thought

So it isn't smooth sailing.  I am already so tired of the product, and we have just started.  I am hating this so much that I don't think I can ever do it again.  At the back of my mind I always thought if I started to gain weight again I would just do the product for a couple of weeks and get back on track.  But this is not going to happen.  When I am done, I am done.  I don't think I will ever drink another shake as long as I live (and I hope that is a very long time.)

I think part of the problem was I didn't adequately prepare myself this time.  I had thought that I would have a month or two before I started after I decided to do it again, but instead I jumped in with no mental preparation.

I had all these things planned for this time, TH's birthday, N visit, Big D's birthday, all with the idea I would be able to go and enjoy heartily the meals placed in front of me, but instead I am stuck eating soup and vanilla drink.  BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Then we have LV, Little T's visit and the every popular BBQ fourth of July.  Before I just curled up in a little ball, did my daily walk and had minimum contact with the outside world.  I didn't have to smell the food, see the food or be around people eating the food.  BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I am thinking of going on a hunger strike.  

Day 560 - New clothes

So today as I was trying to decide what to wear, I realized that I don't have any clothes in my "new" size in GV.  I wondered for a minute if I should get rid of the old clothes, but I couldn't do it.  Mainly I am afraid.  Afraid I will fit once more into them, and then I will have to buy a whole new wardrobe again.  Package the old clothes up for future use.  Blah.

But it is always going to be there, even if I manage to keep it off this time.  When will it come back on.  It took 21 years to put all that weight on, and living with it for the last ten has been pure hell.  So I take it off in two years and hope that I can change the way I was???  Change my behavior of the last 20 years?    Can that even really happen?

When I was younger and not as heavy I used to say to myself when I am old and gray I am going to eat whatever I want whenever I want and I won't care how fat I get.   I didn't wait until I was an old and gray to do that.  But I am not sure that I enjoyed the food as much as I thought I would.  Now I think about a time when I don't have to be losing weight, and I know that is a dangerous road to walk.  As long as you are "actively" dieting you are always careful about what you eat.  But when you are done losing weight this is where it always goes wrong for people.  This is where they don't know what to do.  For those who have had to diet all their lives they never have had to figure out the "right" way to maintain.  It is always about the losing, so if you are not losing then you are not doing it right.

I have started to come up with rules already for this maintenance.  Ice cream is out indefinitely, cakes, cookies desserts are okay in restaurants but not in the home.  Crackers and chips are not allowed in the house.

I found that crackers and chips were the items that I sank into when I was doing the "goodbye to food" phase of the return to optifast.  I just couldn't get enough of the chips, so I know that I am going to have trouble controlling those foods, but for most everything else I can handle at least in the beginning.

And that is were we beginning - in the beginning.  In thirty weeks time it will be a totally new beginning for me.  A time when I am done trying and worrying about losing weight and just worry about maintaining the weight.  How I do that will - I don't know - but I will somehow and maybe I will write a book about how to lose a bunch of weight and keep it off.

Just have to watch out for that creep.

Day 559- I am tired

So I have been having this problem with my arm after I swim.  It hurts.  If I give it few days after it starts hurting really bad, it will stop, but sometimes it wakes me in my sleep, just throbbing.  Everyone has a suggestion, even the doctors, but no one has come up with a solution.

So I let it rest and then it feels fine and I go and swim a couple of days and it hurts again.  So while I was swimming it was hurting, so I stopped using my arms and did the rest of the workout kicking.  I am not much of a kicker, so it took much longer, and I didn't do the whole workout because of the time constraints.  We had to get to Kaiser for blood work and to GV.

But I was tired when I got out, grumpy and very hungry, yes I was hungry.  I felt like my stomach was eating itself.  A very unpleasant feeling.  I did eat before I swam (had a bar) and I had something after (a shake) plus while I swam I followed Dr. C advise and had Water Zero or something along those lines (like Gatorade but without the calories) and that did help with the cramping, but not the hunger.

So when we ended up in GV it was the first time that I can remember on this diet that I was still starving.  I was hungry.  It hurt.  I drank a shake, but that didn't help.  But I didn't want to eat all my food at once or I wouldn't have anything for the evening, so I suffered.  I just wanted the pain to go away, so I watched the food channel. I watched this guy being challenged to heat five pounds of hot dog and five pounds of chili and two pounds of french fries in 20 minutes.  And as I watched I thought boy am I glad I am hungry, he must be feeling really really sick about now.  I remember what it felt like to eat too much.  I remember feeling the nauseousness, the heartburn, the belly ache, the general feeling that you just can't get comfortable, and I became okay with my hunger for a few minutes.

But then the light headiness started.  I would get up and feel like I was going to black out.  I knew that I didn't have enough food, but I couldn't eat yet.  I don't like being this hungry, I don't like it at all.  TH told me to eat an extra product, but I am trying to follow it for the best results so I don't have to keep losing weight after the 30 weeks.

So when I got my test results back it all became clear.  My blood sugar was really low.  Well below the norm, so hopefully today it is back to normal.

Day 558 - What a bunch of jerks

So yesterday I guess our facilitator was out so we joined the "lifestyle" group.  First, the group was huge (compared to our group) there were 9 people in it from the 2 group and they were on week 86, and then there was about 8 from group 4.  Our group barely managed to have 3 people come, so it was a bit of a surprise to me that this one had so many.

Most of them looked like they were and had been at goal for quite a while.  They imparted words of wisdom upon us like stay on the product during this phase, don't stray, don't give up.  Rah Rah Rah.

I felt like I was visiting some secret society, that they were graciously giving me a little glimpse of.  The secret of losing weight is...and that is the secret of the universe.

But I enjoyed there little bits of wisdom, imparted graciously until the end.  As they were leaving one of our group members asked one of the guys how much he lost, and he said, "I lost 75 pounds, not nearly as much as you need to lose buddy, but hang in there."

Completely gratuitous statement.  I do hope I never meet him again.

Day 557 - 17 more days before this blog goes dark

I can't believe that is has almost been 82 weeks.  And now I signed up for another 82 weeks.  Be happy that I won't bore you with the second go around.  

But as we speak of the second go around, I have to say that this is not easier the second time around. And the thought of going 14 more weeks without a latte is abhorrent.  If I were to *cheat* I would cheat with a latte.  Right after swimming sitting in my office reading the internet.  How I miss my lattes.

Today at group we are meeting people from lifestyle class (even some I guess from my group.)  They are going to tell us how easy it is to maintain - or not...But I hope nobody draws attention to me.  Maybe I can be invisible?  Did I say we have 14 more weeks of product?

Day 556 - Not losing anymore

So I started out with a bang, I lost 7 pounds the first week (not official) but this week I have only lost two pounds.  I am a little disconcerted about that since I have been following the plan exactly and exercising, but I can't seem to get off this one weight.  I have been hovering around it for six months, and I thought this would just take me over it, but I just stopped.  I hit the weight and I haven't lost any weight for three days.  Calories in Calories out I should have lost weight, but no.

They say if you eat anything less then the calories prescribed that you will go into starvation mode.  I don't want to go into starvation mode, I want to lose weight.  

So I officially weigh in tomorrow, I hope it is more then 9 pounds.

Day 555- Swimming at the new gym

So I was slowly becoming the Queen of the community pool, but now I am nothing.  Horse dung, worse then horse dung.  I am probably the oldest one in the pool as well.  Find me a lane and hide.  I was thinking about joining the masters, but not now.  I have been totally humiliated.  Bah.

So I decided since I was at a gym I wasn't going to use the elevator, walk the stairs, that will warm me up yeah.  It was not so bad before the workout, but I was limping up the stairs afterwards.

I didn't go to the pool with a workout in mind.  I have to plan my swim or I just can't really get motivated.  I am letting this diet dictate my swimming, and yes I know work on that stroke, but I hate being the slowest in the pool working on stroke or not.

I ended up sharing the lane with some guy in Bermuda shorts I thought I could keep up, I mean really Bermuda shorts?  Then I thought who am I to judge I am wearing a freaking swim dress?  Oh vanity take me.

Well at least I have completed ten and a half days on the program part two.

Day 554- Lets go join a gym

So B went and joined a gym this week, so I thought I need to join a gym too.  I mean it was one of the first things most of the people in my group did once they started the program.  I don't really want to go to a gym, but I do want a swimming pool that I can go to if I can't wake up for my 7:00 swim at Brisbane.  So  - a gym.

I chose the gym carefully.  I have been looking for swimming pools close by easy to get to and if I want to eventual I can join the masters swim team.  So I found a gym that has two pools (outdoor pool for lap swimming) and a masters team.  From my research they look pretty good, but I won't know any of that until I join.

I have only belonged to the Y so this is a whole new experience.  And for me a little intimidating.  I don't like doing new experiences on my own, I like to share when possible.  Makes me feel secure if I have someone there with me.  If I flub up I flub up together.  But we paid good money for it, so we might as well use it.

We will see if I have the courage to go alone.

Day 553 - Oh look a bike

So I have been thinking that the next journey would be on a bike, but I am a bit hesitant to get on it.  What if I forget how to shift, or I wobble off it, or my poor but gets blisters.  I mean I had a lot more padding the last time I rode a bike.  I can't believe it that I am almost 40 pounds lighter then when I did the bike ride.  I wonder if that 40 pounds will make biking easier?  It is too windy today to ride, but maybe this weekend (after swimming which I haven't done for two days.)

It stormed and hollered all night, so when it stopped in the morning I just couldn't bring myself to get up and go to that cold cold pool.  The pool is heated by solar panels, and no sun to heat or so I have been told.  

I am trying to go to bed earlier so I don't have to think about food.  I am still a  night eater, so I try and save the good stuff for night.  But like yesterday I couldn't save it any longer and ended up eating my last bar at 7:00.  The last time I started I got more product so I could eat more often, not so now.

The doctor said that I could have an extra bar after exercise if I wanted, but I really want to see if I can do it on the product that they prescribed, so unless I start feeling really really weak I am going to follow the protocol.

The sun is beautiful, I am really feeling up.  When the sun is out it is why do I have to sit in this office and work?  Why why???

Day 552 - One week down 15 more to go on product

So I finished up the week, not at my all time low, but one the lower end of the range then the upper.  I was looking over the last weight loss, and did not lose that much weight the first week, but then for the next five weeks I lost 4+ pounds a week.  I hope that this is not an instance where I lose a whole bunch the first couple of weeks then only lose a pound a week on.  That would be very depressing.

It is funny though at I am not as adverse to telling what I weigh now (I would prefer not to, but if people found out I wouldn't be horrible embarrassed) but I still can't even start to say what I started at.  Does it mean anything?  Will people still judge me if they knew how much I started at?  Don't want to go there.  But I am counting again.  Always counting.  If I lose four pounds a week I will reach my goal in...if I lose 3 pounds a week I will reach my goal in... and on it goes.

I am still looking for my next goal weight (I haven't given that up yet) and that is 7 pounds.  7 pounds and I can weigh regular clothes.  Woo hoo.

Day 551 - 6th day on product again.

Sooo...Still following the plan, but I don't think it is a good sign that I am counting the days, hours minutes and seconds.  What was I thinking?  Yea yea I know get done with it, but geez, to many things going on.  Birthdays, company, reunions, holidays, whats a girl to do.

I think maybe work would be one idea, but I just wasn't into it this past  - oh I don't know - 10 years.  I think I would be perfectly content being a woman of leisure.   Yes - yes I would.

So today was suppose to be weigh in day, but I am going to miss the first weigh in.  Oh well, but if patience was my strong suit I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

I am also thinking of taking the baby T for an off leash romp, scary I tell you.  I don't know if she will come back if I take her off leash.  I guess there is only one way to find out.  Sorry TH if you come home to only one dog you will know what happened.

Day 513 - 522 Birthdays

My birthday is very important to me and I made it a point to go somewhere fancy, and be a little pampered.  It is hard when you are losing weight to put yourself into that frame of mind and not feel guilty for a little bit of indulgence.  But I stayed in control and even though I wanted to gobble the whole meal I kept myself in check.

So I thought I was going to be able to take TH out for his birthday, but it didn't turn out that way.  I had said that my first meal after these thirty weeks (my first indulgent meal) was going to be pizza, then pasta, but for TH's sake it is going to be Thai.  He has a hankering, just hope he can hang on for the next 30 weeks. Okay 28 weeks.  Thai food here we come.

Happy Birthday TH!!! I love you.

Day 550 - Five days on product -

I am still counting the days that I don't have to do the product anymore.  It is strange I have a whole different attitude this time.  Before I knew I would still have to lose weight so I would still need to "diet".  Now I am in maintenance mode, and I just have to watch what I eat like I have done for the last 5 months.  It will be nice not having the weight loss on my mind as well.

The other part is not being on the product it comes off fast the first week.  I had put on some weight during the interim (my goodbye to food) and it is all off now.  I have no energy to swim, and I couldn't force myself to try yesterday or today, but I do have a lesson on Wednesday so I will go then, and try Thursday as well.

I did the elliptical and my heart rate went up to 150.  It has not been that high since - well ever.  I feel like I am starting all over.  For the past 10 years I have been on blood pressure medicine and so now I have absolutely no endurance.  How am I going to tell LZ I can't swim a 300 anymore.  Blah... 

Day 549 - ???

So at dinner on Saturday TH decided to regale the waiter with how young I used to look by telling him the story of going to buy a car and the dealer asking if it was for his daughter.  I mean I have never enjoyed that story in the beginning, but this time the waiter looked at me and said "you??"

Okay now that was just depressing.  He could have at least said I can see that or anything else, but this surprised you was just like - well something I would do.

Definitely going to get a face lift - ya you betcha.

Day 512 - 522 Side bar current

So I have a huge dilemma right now.  I swam the last three days, but no where near a normal workout.  And today was the pits.  So this is the dilemma.  I am eating 960 calories a day, and I have been taken completely off my blood pressure medicine, so I now have a fully functional heart rate - bad for me since I could swim forever without getting tired.  Now because I believe my heart rate is normal, so exercise more of a struggle.  Point in fact I couldn't do 4 laps in a row without stopping.  My leg cramped early in the work out which led to an abbreviated workout today.  I have never had so little stamina, and at this point of writing I am falling asleep at the computer - I am exhausted.

So I am also starving.  I am wanting to eat anything - I don't care.  After swimming I ate my two bars immediately, when I got home I drank my shake and had my soup, so it isn't as bad right now as it was 10 minutes ago, but still it is hard.  My dilemma, am I going to have to give up swimming until I am more aerobic?

I will try again tomorrow morning, but I am not sure how I am going to address the cramps and the sheer exhaustion.

Day 548 - 3rd day on all product again

So to say it is easy the second time is so very wrong.  I am thinking it wasn't a good idea to go out to dinner with everyone.  It wasn't hard that I didn't eat, nor was it hard hiding I wasn't eating thanks to TH and B.

TH had me order him an entree, and then he just slowly ate it off my plate so it looked like I was eating it.  Then when J kept offering me tastes of his food, B would hit his leg, he wasn't sure what she was doing, but it distracted him from me.

We had a wonderful night, I don't remember having a better time at BBB, and I think when I hit day 220 I am going to have tortellini!!!  Yes forget the Pizza, give me some tortellini.

Day 547 - Day two - no walk in the park

So yesterday was pizza day for everyone except T1 and me.  We got the enjoyment of the wonderful smell, but no pizza.  I decided on day 211 I am going out and getting the best pizza I can find.  Well I thought that yesterday, maybe today not so much.

I am not hunger so far (knock on wood) but I am already missing food. It is funny, before three days ago I would get up and run to the front porch to get my food, excitedly open it, and just enjoy the anticipation of a good meal or think about how I was going to supplement a bad meal.  Then I would go and open the fridge and stand there to see if there was anything I could eat and stay on my diet.

Now I grab my shake and leave.  I don't want to be in the kitchen any longer than I have to.  But the rhythm is coming back, a little, I hope after this weekend everything will be smooth sailing at least for a while. 

Day 546 - First day on product

Well it is day one of the product, and honestly, it hasn't been easy.  I am not sure how I thought it was easy last time.  But all I thought about was 16 weeks and 6 days.  And with all the movies I want to see coming out and NO POPCORN that is just tragic.  But knowing that I am done trying to lose weight after this 30 weeks is keeping me motivated.  I am not feeling like what am I going to do when it is done, I won't be done.  I am thinking I will be where I will be then I will be able to have what I have been eating now, and not feel guilty about it.

So the last time I dieted I went on this goodbye to food binge as well, but the difference was the binge was not out of control.  It wasn't out of control, and I did not get all the sugar I usual get.  So I have made progress, yes I have.

But even though it has been hard and I have been a little sad about not eating, I found that I still have my resolve.  I am not tempted to go off.  And I don't think that I will.

I also am beginning to enjoy those damn shakes.  Now that is scary.

Day 545 - Meeting with new leader

So the new facilitator is this thin blond woman who has a conscience.  She is interesting and she starts with saying let's name our group.  Hmm.  Well okay.

But it wasn't horrible yesterday, but one guy did come in about 30 minutes late then proceeded to fall asleep and yes he snored.  I giggled, everyone else ignored him.  Oh well.

I got my picture taken today, and M wanted to do a collage, me a year and a half ago, me at the end of the thirty weeks, me now, and me when we finish up.  I just smiled, whatever.

One woman (Ms VA) started early and was bragging about losing ten pounds.  At least last time when I started two days early I kept it to myself (oh and all the readers at there)

So we had the full complement of 19.  So today - there is no I can't do it today because I don't have to ... It is the real thing - kind of like Coke.  

Day 511 - 522 Side bar

So I just had to share our house breaking situation with all of you who have thought that maybe it would be nice to own a Jindo.

It isn't going well.

Our whole house smells like a urinal.

I can't keep up with her and her peeing and pooping.

I am thinking maybe no more stupid dogs.

She seems to think my bathroom is also her bathroom.  Okay that maybe a good thing considering it is easier to clean than the damn carpet.  But everyday when I come back from swimming, and TH has left my bathroom door open I come in to find little piles of poop all over.  Couldn't she just do it in one place instead of these little piles everywhere?

I just don't know, but I am careful every time I go into my bathroom.  Visitors beware.

Day 544- Sick

I have had a cold for the past week, so I have not been swimming at all.  On Monday I felt like crappola, so I emailed L to say that I wasn't going to swim this week, but yesterday I felt so much better that I decided that I would go ahead and swim.

There is nothing worse then swimming with a cold.  My nose runs constantly in the pool as it is, Dr. says it is chlorine irritating my nasal passages, I say I am allergic to chlorine, and Dr laughed at  me.  I can't imagine why someone wouldn't be allergic to chlorine, as I sniffle away as I write this.

So my Nephew is coming in this week, I was thinking that maybe he could help me with my stroke.  Seeing as he was ranked 87 in the 1650 in the country.  Imagine - half a billion people and he is faster then all but 87 of them.  Amazing...

So I swam as hard as I could, and she asked me to progressively get faster, so I thought I did that, but she told me that I actually went fastest on my first 50 with fewer strokes, I guess that should tell us something.  Just don't know how that translates...

Well I have a lot of work to do, so until later...TH.

Day 543 - It won't be the same without my latte

So I have been trying to do it the same way I did before, but I had been waiting and waiting and I had expected to have started the week before, so I knew this time it wasn't the same, and how it worked, so I decided I would enjoy my lattes up to the very end.  Maybe have two or three -

I am committed to the program this time.  And I do know that it will hard the first week, but it should be fine after that through May 5?  Today the 4th of April mark this day, my last latte for many months to come, but I am thinking it might be the first thing back on the menu when I come back...

There is nothing better then to come in after a hard swim and have a nice relaxing cup of milk and coffee.  The taste together is just heaven and it warms you to your very toes.  Life is definitely better with lattes.

Day 542 - Food delivery

I was going to start the diet today, so it would be like last time and I was successful last time so I thought it would be good to follow the same pattern this time.

However, I am having a real hard time not having my latte.  In fact, it is taking all my will power to not go fix a latte.  Also, I thought that I had stopped TFD, but it was sitting on my porch this morning, so I am not sure what I am going to do about that either.

So Latte - TFD - and general unease about all this is concerning.  It is 12:44 and I haven't gone off the diet yet, but I have a whole nother 12 hours to go.  Why is this so difficult?  I want popcorn.

Day 541 - Walk

I walked on Friday, the first time in about a month.  I found that if you don't walk you start to feel the hills.  And J kept trying to pick up the pace, but I kept sauntering along.  I just couldn't walk fast.  She was kind enough to finally slow it down, but it wasn't easy for her I could tell.

But as I said earlier, I had a cold so maybe that was why I was feeling lethargic?  I did feel good after the walk, but yesterday I was like a spigot.  And today.  I can take medicine and have the nose stop running, but I always feel that that just makes it take longer to get well.  If I just let my body do its thing I will get well quicker.

I remember once I got sick, and I just didn't want to be sick so I went and breathed on my brother hoping he would take it from me, and yup I was fine the next day and he was sicker then a dog.  See I think that bug does have a brain, and when I bargained with it (who wouldn't rather have a young healthy male vs a young healthy female?  I mean according to them they are stronger able to endure more blah blah blah)

So today I am going to stay in bed and hope things get better.  If not then tomorrow I will take medicine so I can work.

Day 540 - Giving up Lattes

So tomorrow I start, and I know that I have to give up lattes, but...I am not sure that I can.  I have been thinking of having an espresso every morning so I won't have the caffeine headache, but...they really don't want you to have caffeine (tea doesn't count) so I am in a quandary.  No lattes - okay I can do that , but caffeine?  I am not so sure.  I really don't want to have those headaches.  They are really bad.  I have gone through caffeine withdrawal so many times, and I always end up back on caffeine.  I don't want to go through the headache again.

What to do what to do.  

Day 539 - Labs never lie

For many years now (well since I have been doing the program) they have been doing a WBC and I have consistently been high on one of them.  Not "oh my god you have leukemia" but it looks like you have allergies.  This time it was double what it normally is and other lab work was off too.  The doctor said not to worry about the lab work because I was sick.

I wasn't sick.  I don't know where she got that I had a cold or something because I felt fine - well I felt fine until I realized I had a cold.  So the blood work showed that I was fighting something last Friday and it didn't show up until just now?  I guess I really didn't want to get sick.  But now that I am I just want to get it over with.  I hate feeling weak and headachy.  So since I was sick a week ago, am I now on my recovery?

I didn't do much yesterday but eat, until I realized I couldn't taste anything, so I hope I feel better today.   

Day 538 - Bittersweet

There is a certain amount of bittersweet to joining a new group.  It is a little like transferring to a new school or even being left behind a grade.  You weren't quite as smart as everyone else so the held you back.  There is the excitement of doing it again, but there is a big sadness too.

The first time there was more a do or die.  These people were going to be with me during a huge transition (or so I hoped) and there was this feeling of new beginnings.  I don't have that feeling this time.  Just more of the same down the road.

It will be interesting to see another group does it.  And it will be interesting to see another facilitator, so it isn't all doom and gloom.  Just not a new beginning.