Day 621 - Wow really

This is the third day that I got the same comment.  When someone saw how much I lost they said yes but you know most people can't do it.  But that is not my experience.  I think most people can do it, but it just is a matter of can they keep it off.  It isn't losing the weight that is the issue, but the keeping the weight off.  Come back in five years and congratulate me, that will be the big accomplishment.

But I want to know does this two years count or do I have to lose all the weight for it to count.  30 weeks, about eight months I spent on product, with a year in between.  I don't know, but...I am going to count it.  When I hit two years (my birthday) and I haven't gained it back they say most people can then keep it off five years.  One year at a time I guess.

But this week is really really a bad week.  I spent the morning running up and down the stairs because I couldn't believe that the scale was the exact same as it was last week.  So I am afraid that this will really be the first time that I have been on the diet that I won't lose any weight during the week.  I got out the tape measure in hopes that maybe it would be inches I lost, but not that either.  I won't be weighed again for another two weeks, so let us hope that I will have a really big drop in two weeks.  Lets hope.

Day 620 - Clothes

So I had a meeting with a client today, so I was going to put on the clothes that I had gotten through my habit.  The clothes that I was so proud to be wearing a normal 18.  I figured yea they might be a little big, but they should be alright.

So I put on the top and jacket and was a bit disappointed that they weren't looser.  But it was okay, they were a bit bigger then the last time I wore them but not as much as I had thought.

Then I put on the pants.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  My expensive suit was unwearable.  The pants were so loose that they came down around my hips and there was a good foot of pant on the floor.  On top of that I could have fit both legs into one pant leg.  It was just too big.  I wore that outfit less then 3 months ago and it fit fine.

It is true that I have lost some weight since last I wore those pants, but when I started this journey my other clothes weren't that big when I had lost this amount of weight.  I know the doctor said you take off in the order you put on, so I am guessing that most of the first weight that I gain must be in my hips and legs.

Further, we are at that point where people who saw me just a little ago, see me now and think I have lost it all in the last three months.  Wow you have lost a lot of weight.  Well you saw me a couple of months ago, didn't you notice then?  No - no you weren't this light.  No but I wasn't that heavy, geez you just saw me...

There is something about perception.  You hit a point and people notice, but before that point they can tell, but unless you show a picture they don't have a clue what you have done.  Oh well.

I know everyone is waiting for the before and after pictures.  I promise I will post them in two months when I get the last picture.  They said that they are going to do before after before after.  So I will share.

Day 619 - Swimming - again

Well after not swimming for a week I was a bit out of it when I swam on Friday, but for some reason the pool I swam in on Friday seems to be a slow pool.  So I just worked on stroke and left it at that.

On Sunday I went to Bakar, and again I felt inadequate.  I am not sure if I will ever get better then where I am at now or not, but I certainly wasn't there yesterday.  I may not be the fastest swimmer in the pool, but I have always thought that I have the best back stroke in the pool, until yesterday.  And it would have to a girl.  So pretty (her stroke), and so fast.  She just flew down the lane and nobody could catch her.  I have always said when someone swims correctly there is not a pretty sport.

I have wondered if I had proper training if I would have been faster.  So as I had said long ago in this blog, maybe with proper training I can get to where I was 37 years ago.  Truth is too much time has passed.  I probably am as fast as I will ever be, and I might as well get used to the idea that I just ain't that fast no more.  

Day 618 - Yikes!!!

So at group the other night the facilitator was saying that we are in week 13 and we start to transition in week 17 - that is only four weeks.  But -  I thought the product was 16 weeks, but looking back it is only 15 weeks.  So I really only have four more weeks, but I won't lose all the weight in four weeks.  Well I won't lose it all in five weeks either, but I was more prepared for the five weeks rather then the four weeks.

That is just to soon.  I am not ready to transition.  No no no.  I haven't bought my three ounces of chicken and broccoli yet.  I don't want to transition yet.  I want to lose another 20 pounds.  I have another 20 pounds to lose.  I haven't even hit my second to last goal yet.  I can't transition yet.  It is just to soon.  How can they do this to me.

I am worried.

Day 617 - Out to dinner again?

I went out to dinner again, and again only had diet pop, but I am getting used to not ordering.  So...we must just go forward and hope for the best in the end.

As T1 says I have quit talking about the diet and now am only talking about how much time I have left.  Five weeks and I will once more get to have three ounces of chicken and vegetables.  I remember last time how I savored those three ounces of chicken and how much I enjoyed it ... for a second.  Then all other flavors came rushing in, and I gave up on the veggies, but I kept true to the meat.  We all know now that meat is very caloric, right up there with some of my favorites deserts.

Lucky me, now just one more hurdle and I will be forever what?  Watching my weight.

I don't think I have made it clear how scared I am about this next process - step.  I am terrified.  I want this to end, but at the same time I don't want to give up the crutch of the product.  I know I can't stay on it forever and the scary part is I really don't want to.  I have been saying to myself that I will try and lose another 30 pounds so I will continue to watch what I eat, and if I do that than I can keep it under control.  Maybe if I lower my goal weight and keep trying to lose the weight then I will be able to maintain?

Scary days ahead.  

Day 616 - Fear of failing

So there is five more weeks, and the group is beginning to freak out a bit about the transition.  Me too for that matter.  I found how easy it was to just gain a bunch of weight really really quickly (when I decided to redo the program I went on a binge sort of and gained like five pounds in a week.)

It is going to be close to two years, but can I keep it off.  Can I maintain?  Can I change my habits?  Can I eat correctly?  I don't know.  I do know that I don't want to go back to were I was, and now that I have lost another 36 pounds I don't want to go back up to where I was before I lost the last bit of weight.  But am I going to be able to keep control?  It got hard towards the end last time.  Will every day be a struggle?  Will I start having the creep?  Will I develop tomorrowitis?

When on just product food is all encompassing.  Everything looks good one moment and the next you can't care less.  You change from minute to minute, and you realize that that probably how it was before the diet as well.  One moment your absolutely craving something and the next not at all.  I know that I eat out of boredom.  I know that I like to eat.  I know that even though there are times that I am bored while on this diet I am committed to the program, so I know that desire to eat will pass.

But what happens when I don't have to let it pass.  What happens when I want to eat something and I don't want to wait to see if I will get over it.  Who am I going to call?  Ghost busters?

I said that I wasn't going to diet after this part, but I think I need to adjust my thinking.  I am not going to have to lose weight, but I am going to have to watch, just like I do now.  I am going to have to know that I can't binge, that I can't lose control, and that I am prone to obesity.  That it is both cultural and genetic.  I have to fight it harder then some, well probably most.  It isn't my excuse, it is my reality.  The reality, I need to keep all the weight off for two years - all of it off.

I freaked out a little when B told me that when I go off this I will probably gain five to ten pounds immediately.  What???!!!  Why would I gain five to ten pounds immediately?  No no no.  I am not losing this weight and putting myself through this hell just so I can gain back five to ten pounds.  Don't tell me I am going to gain it back please.  Don't tell me to hang on to my fat clothes.  Don't tell me I need to reorder my seat belt extender.  Let me maintain this weight, let me keep this weight off.  Let me someday not be obsessed with weight and weight loss.  Please.  I just want to enjoy food and enjoy life without having this always hanging over my head.  

Day 615 - Weigh in

I was walking to group yesterday and I had to stop at a light and so I put my hand on my hip while I waited for the light to change and I found that I had a hard lump on my side.  I started to freak out a bit thinking that it was some kind of hard tumor, and so I am standing at the street corner probably looking really weird as I am feeling along my side.  I found that it had grown into my back as well and I was ready to write out my will.  Call TH tell him I had found a huge tumor and all, but then I put my other hand on my other hip and found the exact same tumor.  Then I realized it wasn't a tumor but my pelvis.

I haven't felt my bones in a very long time.  I suppose they were in there, but I forgot that most people can feel them.  It isn't something that I expected.  I really forgot - really - that you should be able to feel your bones.  That people can also probably feel their ribs, collar bone, well most any bone in there body.  But when you are as obese as I was, I never was able to feel them.  I forgot.  What a shock.  I can feel my bones.  (Okay to be honest I can't feel my ribs, but I felt my pelvis)  And I know that means that I have lost about all the weight I can around my hips.  So maybe next weight loss will be my stomach?  One can only hope that I will be able to feel my ribs by the time this is said and done.  On ward ho...

Day 614 - Tuesday - new worries

So now I have one more hurdle to get over.  My niece.  She is coming.  And she loves junk food.  And I have always had it available for her.

Part of "our" thing is to go to the wharf and have a big crab lunch.  We also have the tradition of when she gets here that we always go to Chevy's and then hit the mall.  I love Chevy's especially the chips and dip.  Can I take her there and not be tempted?  Can I make it through the next three weeks and not "cheat" "go off plan" "practice maintenance" with her here?  I don't know.  I am planning picnics in the park (kind of a fantasy of mine to go to Stern grove listen to the concert and have a picnic) but I can't have the picnic.  Taking her to high tea.  Picnic at Lake Chabot.  Everything is about food.  I think this is going to be harder then any of my other challenges.  Holy Smokes Batman.  Wish me luck.

613 - Monday home again tra la la

So we got home in one piece, and I am happy to say that I made the trip there and back on coach.  But no food.  Nothing - they didn't even offer peanuts.  So no worries on that side.

I haven't really exercised (unless you count walking) for the last few days, and I was not up to it when I got home.  But we did do a lot of walking in Las Vegas, so I wasn't really worried about it.  I like to walk.  It clears the head and I feel more a part of the world walking rather then be holed up in some room or house.  Even if I don't interact I still feel part of the world.  Walking is nice.

But I was really worried about this trip.  I was worried how I would handle the food situation.  How I would handle everyone eating but not me.  Ultimately it was okay, but maybe if I hadn't been worrying about it it wouldn't have been okay.  Oh who know - but at least it is over.  And hopefully this is the last trip I will ever take were I can't eat the food.

Day 612 - Sunday Las Vegas

So Sunday was the big brunch day.  Food is still on my mind, and I was ready to be miserable at brunch, but again -  lousy hotel lousy food.  The food was not appetizing at all and I mean at all.  There would be no way that I would give up my diet for that food - ever.

So we were almost done with the trip and I hadn't had any desires to go off plan.  I hadn't been tempted to take a bite, a sniff, I didn't even enjoy looking at the food (and I love looking at food - I periodically will grab a cookbook and just look at the pictures I guess much like a man looks at playboy - oh right they are reading the articles - well I am reading the recipes.)

The closest I came to wanting to try something was when we were having drinks and chips.  I really really love chips and guacamole and I wouldn't have minded some chips and dip, but again not enough to  give up the twelve weeks I have already put in to lose this last unloseable weight.

I need to start preparing myself for this transition that is going to take place in five weeks, but really I don't think I am going to think about it until the week before.  We are on week 13 - 77 days of basically a 112 day fast.

So we are coming to the end of the Las Vegas weekend and I thought it would be really hard but happily I found it not so bad.  It just goes to show that food really isn't everything, and you don't need to eat to be part of the group.  Nobody really tried to pressure me into eating (except of course my father but that is another story) so I guess the trip was a success.  Viva Las Vegas.

Day 611- Saturday Las Vegas

The first night the food didn't bother me any, it looked like crap, so I had no problem staying away from it.  It was a surprise since the last time I was in Las Vegas I found the food really good, but like I said we were staying at a dive so the food matched the venue.

I am hoping that this is the last time I am going to have to listen to people talk about my weight.  Now everyone has seen me I don't need to worry about the "weight" talk again.  It is what it is, and now it is done.

However, on a sad note we went to look for papa's fathers day present and while we were there I wanted to get a shirt for me.  Thinking I could now fit in "regular clothes" I picked up a couple of extra large shirts and bought them.  Big mistake.  They were way to tight, and showed all my rolls and rolls of fat.  I really thought I would be an extra large.  Bummer.

The food still sucked and we had a brunch of pastries and juice, but the pastries looked stale, and not appetizing at all, so again there was no temptation when it came to the food.  Even dinner with everyone having steak I wasn't interested in it I just don't like filet's that much so even that did not interest me.  So far the food has not been an issue.

Day 610 - Friday off to Las Vegas

So we are off to the family reunion.  And we are flying  ---- coach.  Yikes scary that.  So we got on the plane and I sat down expecting to find the seat tight, but luckily it wasn't.  In fact I fit in the seat just fine, it was the leg room that I had none of.

I have never felt so scrunched in my life.  How do people do that?  I hate coach.  I tried it, and I hate it.  I really don't think I could have done that for more then a couple of hours.  I am seriously reevaluating whether or not I am going to fly coach ever again.  I am lucky I didn't get a blood clot or some such thing.  Blah.

But the seat belt did fit around me, and I did not need an extender, and the tray came down (yes in coach the tray is on the back of the seat in front of you.)  Blah blah blah.

I used to have nightmares that I would get to the airport and not have my extender and I wouldn't fit into the seat and they would kick me off the plane and I would be stuck in whatever airport I ended up in.  It is nice to know I don't have to fly first class, that it is a choice now, but not much of a choice.

So the weekend starts off, and my main concern of course is how am I going to handle the food situation.  I checked my suitcase so I could bring my product along and when we got to the divey hotel I went looking for the refrigerator only to find the room had none.  I had a bit of a hissy fit since I can't not abide those drinks warm/room temperature what have you.  They are undrinkable unless they are cold.  So we gave up the room for a room with a fridge.  The room we got was even divier then the original room, but at least I had a fridge.  But it wasn't the best "start".

Day 609 - Early to bed late to rise

So without the TV (our bedroom is torn apart) I have to read before bed instead of watch tv.  So I actually end up going to bed earlier, but I haven't been getting up earlier.  The pool in which I go early in the morning has age group swimming starting at 8 am, so my 7:30 swim would be cut short for the age group swimming.  If I want to swim at Brisbane I will have to fight the 6:30 crowd, and I can't even get myself up that early to fight them.

So it was off to Bakar.  There are strong days and weak days, today was more on the strong side, but I feel my left arm hurting, so I know that maybe I felt to strong?  I am getting faster at the catch up.  But I don't think that is the point of catch up.  It is very tiring.

Day 608 - Waiting waiting waiting

I realized sadly that I am waiting.  I am waiting until I am done with this phase of the diet, I am waiting to go to India, I am waiting to...basically my life is on hold for the moment.  And how many moments am I going to have?  My life is not getting longer at each waiting period, but still I just want to get through the day so I can be that much closer to tomorrow. 

Before I started to diet I was really more in the moment.  I would worry about the diet tomorrow, today I was just going to enjoy myself.  Today I had no goals but today.  So now it has turned around a little.  Today I have no goals but tomorrow.  I want tomorrow to hurry up and come, so I can enjoy today. 

I need to find a way to enjoy today, to not worry about tomorrow because it won't come, and I will be waiting at the bus stop where there is no bus stop and I will be waiting waiting waiting. 

Oh well I can almost cross off today.

Day 607 - Fun in the sun

So I went swimming yesterday in the hot hot sun, and I worried about was that I was going to get burned.  I have a tan right now, but I remember when I was a kid there was this woman who I babysat for who was always sunbathing and she had the dryest looking skin and all I could think about was I didn't want to end up like her.  But I always forget to put on sunscreen, and I am not real sure there is any thing that really is water proof.  Plus I hate getting into filmy water.  And if everyone who sunscreen then their would be this fine film over the water.  Yuck.

But other than that swimming did not go so well.  I feel like I am doing ground hogs day.  I get in the water with the best intentions, and I end up getting out with being tired but not like I did a really hard work out.  When I try to do it my mind just shuts down and I crash.  Oh well.

So because I didn't get out to bike last week, I decided that I would do the exercise bike.  I am really strong and I can go hard and long.  Hah!!!  I put it were I used to train when I was going to ride down the coast and I ended up quitting a third of the way through.  I think I even hurt my leg.  So I am not as strong as I thought I was, I have to start at the beginning.  Yuck again.

Day 606 - Cheating

Well I found out that most everybody in our new group cheated last week.  Okay not everybody, I think there were three of us who didn't let anything but product and water pass our lips.

This program is not cheap, and it surprises me that people actually keep coming when they are really unwilling to do the program.  The truth is it takes very little discipline to do it.  Really, we aren't given any choices and we are given a balanced food, so there is no craving for other foods.  Well to be more specific maybe there are wantings, but not cravings.

Excuses galore.  And some people take what they talk about in group and make that their excuse for straying from the program.  We have talked alot about being emotional eaters, and so when someone strays it is because they had an "emotional" meltdown.  Life is too stressful, my coworkers yelled at me, my family has issues, my dad doesn't love me...yadyadyad.

My favorite of course is one that was in both groups though.  I don't want to be beautiful.  I am so afraid of looking good.  The fat is my wall to keep people away.  ???

For most people who say that it just is pyschobabble.  I mean really you are afraid of losing weight because your afraid that you will be too beautiful.  Yea keep telling yourself that.  Here is another truth - I am afraid to lose the weight because I will find that I am not beautiful and I won't change who I am so I won't have everyone flocking to me.

Many people who are unhappy think that losing weight will make them happy.  And in some cases it will if you are losing for the right reasons.  I was unhappy being overweight because I couldn't do anything.  The weight actually hampered my life and I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted without having to worry if my weight would constrain me.  But others think that it will change their personality.  You are who you are, with or without the weight.  Accept that, and maybe losing weight will be easier.

Day 605 - I didn't mean to be disingenuous

So I went swimming at Bakar today, and I like to swim in the far lane.  I don't know just like being close to the wall.  So the guy in the lane was going like a bat out of hell, but I didn't think I would get in his way, and anyway it was the only open lane.

So it started getting busier and so the life guard came and told the guy he had to get out of the slow lane and move into the fast lane.  Your too fast here.  So I was left in the slow lane feeling well slow.  

Then after a while it got busier so the life guard told us we had to circle.  I was like okay I will circle, but then the people started doing breast stroke and I was doing freestyle so obviously I passed them up.  But I passed them mid pool, because there wasn't anyone coming down the other side and it is just like passing a car you speed up and pass and get back in lane.  No big deal.  Well I guess it was a big deal.  You are not suppose to pass anyone except at the wall.  So I was suppose to what - walk to the wall hope they will stop and let me pass?  I have enough savvy to know how to pass someone.  But I was told that was a big no no.

But then to top off insult to injury, I was swimming circle and the one doing breast stroke got out, but I wasn't aware that she had left the lane, so I come barrelling down and nearly crash into the other person in the lane who tells me that we are splitting the lane because the other person got out.  You know you don't start splitting a lane until everyone is aware of the change.   Bah humbug.

Then as I was getting out I got yelled at again by the life guard (well okay got spoken to sternly) that the wall lanes are the slow lanes and I should be in the next lane over.  I explained to him that I was slow and I was in the right lane, but the person in the lane with me was doing breast stroke which is really really slow.  But he said no you are not slow - more medium to fast.  I mumbled that I was slow and asked him what lane he would like me to swim in next time.

When I left I felt like maybe he thought I was being disingenous, looking for a compliment, but really I am slow.  How can I possible think that doing 1:50 in the hundred as fast or even medium.  I did repeats at 1:15, I can't even do 1:15 at a full out sprint, so yea I am slow, but maybe not as slow as some of the other people in the pool, just for me.  And the guy I was swimming with lapped me three times in a 400.  Now who is slow?

Day 604 - Have you lost weight?

So at swimming the other day a woman came up to me and asked if I had lost weight.  When I said I had she asked how much.  When I told her she asked if the surgery was bad.  Huh?  I guess some people think you can only lose that much weight through surgery.

But I have only lost about 40/45 pounds since starting at Brisbane pool.  The loss has been gradual except for the last twenty pounds.  So what is the new threshold of noticeability now? I am guessing 30 pounds, but I don't have anyone new to produce myself to to see if that is the case.  Oh well.

T2 made a good point.  I am actually looking forward to a time when my weight is not the conversation starting point (unless of course I want it to be).  I don't mind talking to family and friends, but strangers and acquaintances not so much.  I am learning though to just say thank you and move on.  Though it is hard.  I want to justify the weight lose.  Or say things like I still have a lot to go, but now I know it is time to just say thank you and let it be.

Day 603 - I could never do this again.

For fear of repeating myself I will anyway.  If I started at the weight that I started at today, I could not do this again.  I have about 25 more pounds to lose and I have seven more weeks on the product.  I am not losing any weight this week - I am not sure why, but I did not do anything wrong, so it is just something I have to accept.  This week zero weight loss.  Maybe next week I will make up for it with 6 pounds.  But the point is I was never a big loser.  Even at the start I only averaged about 3.5 pounds a week so we know that my metabolism is not the best working thing on the block.  But if there was a famine I would survive.

I look back to the beginning and think of my desperation to take the weight off.  Different ideas coursed through my head, surgery, being left on a deserted island, checking myself into a weight loss camp.  In fact it was the latter that I was seriously considering.  If I didn't have any distractions and if I didn't have to worry about what I ate then I could lose the weight.  But leaving my family for six months to a year made me a little sad.

However, when all is said and done, that is pretty much what I did except I did it at home.  I never had to think about what I ate, I didn't really have any say in what I ate.  In a sense.  I mean it was my choice to stay on it or not, but I didn't have to choose the food, I didn't have to think can I eat just one?  It is the downfall of all diets really.  Deciding how much to eat.  If you stay strictly on a diet you have to strictly measure everything you eat. You can't guess - because 9 times out of 10 you will be wrong.  I don't know how many times last year that I weighed out tuna salad for a sandwich and thought dang that doesn't even cover the bread.  I guess that is why I only used one slice of bread.  I slice of bread and a serving of tuna salad was 400 calories - imagine that.  But before I would use two slices of bread probably three servings and cheese.  That would have put that sandwich well over a thousand calories.  And yet that is a normal serving.

There are low cal foods that I love, like Aloo gobi, naan, actually most vegetarian indian dishes that aren't made with cream are okay, and I do love Indian food.

I just can't wait til I can eat again.

Day 602 - Swimming in the baby pool

So I kept with my swim schedule, but I have to say swimming in GV doesn't quite feel like I am "working" out.
But lately nothing really does.  I feel lucky if I finish up my planned workout.  As the weeks go by instead of getting easier it is getting harder.  Gone are the days that I swim until my legs cramp up.  I can't swim that long. In fact I only really have energy for "normal" activities.  I think that is why they talk about walking so much.  I can walk.  Walking is easy.

But I am determined to keep swimming even if I have no progress.  I am working on that stroke, but...only time will tell.  I may never be destined to compete again.  I am not sure that I am okay with that.

Day 601 - Clothes talk

I got excited this weekend because I found a pair of shorts that I think my daughter in law left and I tried them on and they fit.  They were an XL, but I think it was normal size XL, so maybe - just maybe I am in regular sizes now.

So when I got home I have one box left of smaller clothes (I got rid of them all except for this one box) and I tried some of them on.  Problem is they don't seem to be able to get over my chest.  So this last 25 pounds I am assuming is going to come off my mid torso?  I hope so, but who knows.

I say that because I have always had big hips, but there measurements are about what I am usually.  Now I still have a huge stomach, but I don't think that is going to disappear until I have the surgery.  I have wondered if all that whatever it is on my stomach is skin or one big fat deposit.  I don't remember having such a big stomach before, but it looks like fat to me, so hopefully most of it is and it will come off?  I don't know - who knows until I see the doctor, then we will find out. 

But if I have as much loose skin as that guy who lost a hundred pounds and had ten pounds of loose skin, maybe I am closer to my goal then I thought.  Well it was worth a try.

Day 600 - Wow almost two years

So I am sitting here trying to think of things to keep my mind off food.  Is it time for my bar yet.  I am not going to eat one for at least another hour, but I am so looking forward to it.  What can I do to keep myself occupied for the next hour?

I went for a bike ride on Thursday and I made it up a hill.  It wasn't a steep hill but as I was peddling up it I was cursing T2.  Why you ask, well because I talked her into a bike ride in Bhutan, and now I have to actually be able to ride the damn bike.  Why does she have to be so adventurous?    Why couldn't she say, oh gee T3 that looks like it is just too much work, lets go on a cruise instead.  Bah humbug.

But there are other things I have noticed recently.  A negative change  - I have been being nasty for no reason.  I am not even feeling nasty, but the words just come flying out and I think what???  That was just nasty.  I have been nasty recently to TH and I couldn't believe it. Why would I do that when he has been nothing but supportive and caring?

So I am thinking that it is chemical.  I think I have low blood sugar and that makes me cranky.  But...it is uncalled for and I know that I can handle it better then that.  I am going to take care and not let my irritation fall on other people.   I am sorry TH forgive me?  Maybe it is best I just don't talk until I can eat again.

Day 599 - I am not that unique

A poster child I am not.  I have said before I like reading other peoples blogs and compare them to my weight loss, see the similarities and differences.  So reading others blogs their are some differences in age.  Most of the people who have large weight losses are younger/20/30's I guess it is more about looks for them then anything else at that age.  Looking for a mate, tired of being an outcast, lonely and sad.

You have to have something to motivate you, but you also need something to keep you interested in keeping the weight off.  To lose weight to look good isn't going to sustain the weight loss through middle and old age.  It might not even sustain it through the next year.  I think if I had some goal some idea what I wanted to do physically before I gained the weight  - maybe I would have had less of a weight gain.  Who knows.  I am just thankful that I am still "young enough" to be able to move around the country.  That I can see and do things that I didn't think that I would be able to do.  I am excited about traveling now.  As I get "fitter" I worry less about certain aspects of travel, and knowing that the heft of my body won't keep me from enjoyment of the trip.

For instance when we go to India, I am okay with the idea of riding a camel or elephant, because I don't think they will say memsahib to big can't ride.  I was watching the movie set in India, and I saw two people get into a bicycle rickshaw, and thought I am not as big as the guy in the movie, I could get in one of those.  Maybe they could actually peddle me around.   Or not.  But it is there, and in a couple of weeks I will be on an airplane flying coach.  Not sure if I will fit in a coach seat, but we will find out.