Day 50 - Rush Rush Rush

It is a rush today since I have to have blood drawn and walk and go to the vet and work and go to group.  Busy busy day.  I think that I could very easily become a woman of leisure - what say you TH?

I am ordering two boxes of my bars this week.  I have enough of the crappy stuff to last me a life time.  So they better not mess my order up.

We can't wait until little N and T1 goes to the beach with us.  I don't think little N has ever been to the beach.  She might be a bit overwhelmed with the vastness of the water.  T kept lapping at it and I kept yelling at her that it wasn't drinking water.  Why don't dogs know that they shouldn't drink salt water?

I was going to say some snarky things about TH, but after his wonderful response to my wanting the elliptical fixed - I just have to say he is the bestest hubby ever!!

Day 49-End of Seven Weeks

This is the end of seven weeks, and I made it through TG.  TH was very good, though I did wake up on TG with Turkey and dressing smelling delicious.    So I have stayed on exercising though probably not as religiously as I should.  I find that it takes all day to exercise, and I just don't know how other people work and exercise.

I get up and have my tea, write my blog drink my first shake and my first 32 oz of water.  Then I take a shower and spend the next hour running to the toilet and back (this diet wouldn't work in the old days because I can not imagine running outside in 20 degree weather ever hour on the hour.)  Then I pull up whatever work I have been trying to do, get situated and then it is time for a walk.  We get back at three then I am too tired to do any more work, sometimes at 5 I will go down and exercise again then it is 8 (I exercise an hour and play for 2.)  Then it is time to watch TV - then it is 12 and time for bed...  So when do I have time for work????

It just isn't possible to work.

Day 48- Home again

We just got home and the I am waiting patiently for my tea.  I didn't have my tea this am because I thought that I would need a rest break if I did.  Now I may be able to use public restrooms, but if I can plan not to that is better.  I did make it home and my soup I rushed ordered had come.  My wonderful lovely yummy chicken soup is here!!!

I really wanted to see snow yesterday, but the all it did was get cold.  They did close 80, but that was higher up, so once again I missed the snow storm.  I am now looking out over the ocean with the sun shining brightly and it must be at least 60 degrees and I am sweating - ugh.

We did manage to get to the Christmas Faire in GV.  It was really nice.  Because it was raining it wasn't jammed packed, and we were able to leisurely walk through the place.  We got some really nice Christmas gifts and I did fall in love with a totally worthless piece of glass art, but I couldn't bring myself to let TH buy it.  It was gorgeous though.  It was a three headed dragon guarding its nest and it made my heart sing.  But where in this cluttered house could we have put it?

TH bought the best hat I have ever seen on him.  I wish I had a picture to show, but then you all would know who TH is.  So let's keep who who a secret shall we.

Day 47 - The Struggle

Not everyday is a struggle, and I have said before this diet leaves you fairly satisfied, generally.  Yesterday I could easily have fallen back into old patterns, and I don't know what made yesterday different from any other day. 

My whole attitude was I just didn't care.  Part of it was there is absolutely nothing I look forward to eating right now.  They gave me the wrong bars and I only like one kind of bars and the gave me no soup and though I have tomato soup left I absolutely hate the taste.  I have to gag it down like the shakes.  So whereas before I had my chocolate bar and chicken soup to look forward to I have nothing to look forward to, I just have to get the food down because I have to eat the calories.  I want to enjoy something I think everyone does, and I am not a starving person so everything does not look good to me.

Messing up on my order couldn't have come at a worse time.  After not losing weight last week and not having anything to eat that I like this week, I am struggling both mentally and physically.  Not exercising Thursday and Friday also could have something to do with it, but it also is the whole I don't care attitude.

Also you lose some of your individuality.  When you diet alone your struggle is unique and it is something nobody else will understand.  When you are a group losing weight the struggles you having you see others are having and trust me it isn't reassuring.  You want to be unique, you want to be different, your struggles are harder, but you find it is just human nature in one degree or another.  There is nothing special about you.  And overcoming this weight affliction is being done by 20 other people (well okay maybe 19) so instead of bonding and feeling like a sister/brotherhood I just feel competitive.  I want my ordeal to be bigger and badder then anyone elses.  I don't want people to tell me they know exactly what I am going through.  Even though they may. 

It is good that I was on this product because if I wasn't yesterday I would have officially blown the diet.  I didn't have to make the wrong choice and justify it with it is only one day, or it is only 40 points - I just use my extra points. 

Yes if I wasn't on this program yesterday would have been the last day of dieting after 46 grueling days.

Don't worry today I am better, we are going to a Christmas Faire and then maybe home or...

Day 46 - Off to GV

We aren't going to make it to GV again this year, so I thought we should go when there is snow.  I hope TH makes a fire - yum.

I had my first political dream.  I dreamt that we only had two choices for the mayor of SF and one was an idiot and the other was an idiot.  So I was at the vet and asked which one he thought would be best and he said he wanted the female idiot because she wanted all pounds to be no kill pounds.  However since we had lost all our rights and we were really a sham of a democracy and only those two were allowed to run he said it didn't matter.

I asked him to take a look at T because she bunny hops, and I was really worried what he would say about that, but first he wanted to get a urine sample from D, but they were playing and I took a nap on the dog bed...

So after 7 weeks I want everyone to know the food is still horrible.   I am looking into having food delivered, and there are a number of diet deliveries, but I only found one that deliverers only dinner.  So we will see come February and March.  I fear when we go off this portion, but maybe the continued weigh in is the secret.

We saw D yesterday when we saw wonderful Harry Potter - (great movie).  He didn't notice my weight loss, I guess it still isn't showing.  Maybe the next twenty?  Bummer.

I need to get to GV early because we need to exercise.  So I am off to pack.

Day 45 Thanksgiving

Today is a day of food and family get together.  We are going to Harry Potter, and I don't get food.  This week they messed up my order and I didn't get any soup :( and they gave me the wrong bars :(( and I now hate - hate tomato soup.  I can't almost gag it down.

I find that since I only have 4 drinks (and they are very small boxes) in the fridge that I should always be able to get to them, but everytime I go to the fridge to get my drinks they have been pushed to the back so the other food is more accessible.  It isn't like I ask for a lot of room in the fridge.

The housekeeper has made a fort of my boxes of mix.  It is rather cute.  Though I wonder how much time she has on her hands to do that.  She also likes to arrange TH's tanks and T's toys.

I am now drinking all 64 oz of water before 10 am.  The everything else is just water I want .

Happy Thanksgiving

Day 44 - Tuesday

Yesterday I went to WC to see big D and traffic was fine going in, and wasn't bad coming back either.  However, there was one moment while going through the tunnel that gave me pause.  A car was pulled half in half out of a lane with the emergency lights blinking and someone standing in front of it.  I see this taxi swerve in the person standing by the car got in and the taxi swerved back out and headed on towards the tunnel.  When I inched my way up to the car I kept looking for the taxi because I knew that there must be a bomb -  why else would someone leave a car.  Obviously it wasn't a suicide bomber or they wouldn't have gotten in the cab, so the bomb wouldn't go off while the cab was still in the vicinity.    So two things since I didn't hear about any bombings, it didn't go off or the person had to catch a plane and the car was a rental.  I thinking it was the latter.

I had weigh-in today so I had to rush home and exercise.  I was cheating trying to lose some weight before weigh-in - maybe dehydrate my body, not eat for the day, just anything to drop even one pound.  But when I got there no such luck.  On the plus my blood pressure was normal - maybe they can take me off the other medicine?

One member was complaining that she wasn't losing any weight and was worried that we were almost half over and she hasn't lost anything for three weeks without cheating.  Found out she wasn't always eating all the product and so it is a fine line you walk.  You must eat all the product, but not too much.

People are already talking about the transition to real food, so I am not the only one worried about it.  We are all  like an avid nonsmokers who curse and complain about other peoples smoke once we have stopped.  We are constantly watching to see how much food is put on anyone's plate, how much they are eating and how bad that food is.

Watch out foodies the watchdogs are coming.

Day 43 - Weigh in

Today is weigh in and I don't think I did very well today even though I did stick with the program..  I don't know why I am not losing.  Maybe it is a plateau week.  I hope so.  Very depressing.

I spend my whole day waiting for the chicken soup, mainly because it takes a while to eat/slurp.  Everything else is gulped down in a rush.  But the soup is savored and remembered until the next day.

I won't have time for a walk today, and maybe not tomorrow, but hopefully I can be back on Track by Friday.  Argh!!!  Probably that is why I didn't lose weight I didn't exercise enough.  Enough complaining.  Hopefully more tomorrow.

Day 42 - The "Walk"

Yesterday I wanted to go somewhere new, so we went down to Millbrea and walked along the Bay shore all the way up to Coyote Point.  The scenery was majestic, and I started to worry about how could NC possible beat this scenery?  The bay was at high tide and the waves were breaking against the walkway, and it was just so picture perfect that I had thought for a minute that this was a little slice of Heaven.

But not for long.  The wind was whipping at my back and the walk out was fairly uneventful.  About three quarters of the way out my knee started to act up, and I was thinking "is this it - is this going to be another injury or will the pain go away.  I live everyday in fear of my knee being like it was a couple of years ago and me not being able to walk.  But the pain let up.  So we made it to Coyote Point and I felt like my bladder was going to burst.  I had to go about half an hour into the walk.  I went right before we left, but when you have to go every hour on the hour a 3 hour walk you know you will have to go at least once.  I kept saying if we make it to Coyote Point it is a public park they will have bathrooms.  Me going in a public bathroom happens once in a blue moon, but it was a blue moon, and as TH says when you have to go you have to go.  They actually had two public bathrooms. and they were open!!!  So my bladder was released and I was ready for the upward battle home.

The wind buffeted me around and I watched as the skinny runner ran by us.  She must have been all of a 100 pounds and it was like the wind wasn't affecting her at all.  I was feeling a little envious, but I kept my mouth shut and tried not to make to many derogative comments about skinny runners...

When we got to our favorite restaurant TH asked if I wanted to stay there and he would get the car.  Imagine that,  I am the one training and he is the one willing to get the car and bring it back.  It should have been the other way around.  But I kept putting one foot in front of the other fighting the wind and winning one step at a time.  By the time we got to the car I was once more crawling.  I hurt from the soles of my feet to the tip of my nose.

I hurt so bad I didn't think I could drive to WC so I begged the man next to me who had politely stayed with me but had so wanted to forge on ahead faster then I wanted to go.  He agreed, but I had to do a lot of whining and begging and then I pulled out the big guns - I was so tired I might fall asleep and have a car wreck.  HE loves his cars so he reluctantly agreed.

Day 41 - TRAFFIC

T2 and BIL1 both moved out of the Bay Area because of the traffic.  Yesterday I was ready to join them.  It rained hard which explains most of the problems we had, but getting to WC it took an hour and 15 minutes which is about half an hour longer then normal on the way home we listen to 2 discs of a BOT - to put it in perspective when we go to GV (140 miles) we sometimes listened to 2 discs if the traffic is really bad.

Drivers were really crazy, there was one driver who decided to drive in the middle of the line (like a motorcycle - splitting the lane) and surprising no one honked or seemed to have noticed.  I felt that I was in a Twilight Zone movie were I was the only one who was seeing the monster on the wing.   At the bridge when all the lanes merge the car next to us and wasn't giving us the lane so for a short time we drove two across in one lane.  TH was of course the more aggressive and the other finally fell behind.

When I was driving I was in the turn lane and I turned and the car next to me honked.  I kept telling Ted that I hadn't done anything and they weren't honking at me, but he said they were.  I couldn't imagine such a thing until he said that they were turning from the wrong lane and I cut them off.   Oh yea that is right it was my fault they were stupid.

So I will drive out to Rossmoor again today.  Alone.  If I don't come home look for me in the TZ.

Day 40 - Finish of 6 weeks!

Well so far this has been fairly easy going, but yesterday I came to my first heavy duty crave.  All I could think about was a T-bone steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms.

It was the first time I have actually understood triggers.  I really didn't think that I had triggers, but I definitely do.  I found it interesting that I wanted a T-bone, because I wanted to munch on the bone.  Like T when she is stressed or excited will grab my shoe or a ball and run around the house.  Just having it in her mouth calms her down.  I used to laugh, play yell at her to see her grab up a shoe and walk around with it.  Poor baby, I do have a mean streak.

It didn't help that I forgot my food, so I didn't eat anything until 5pm.  Yesterday is a failed day.  You are suppose to eat every 3-4 hours and I went 10 before eating again.  I haven't exercised for the last couple of days and I am afraid that my program is broken.

But I have made it for the first six weeks and according to D that is how long it takes to break a habit.  That is time people go off diets.  That is the time peopel give up.  So I plow forward into week 7 hoping to get back into my groove.

XOXO

Day 39 - Food Food Food

Today was one of those days that just disappeared.  I did absolutely nothing and felt quite useless.  And though I didn't go off the program, I certainly didn't care.

We had a house guest today and it was quite difficult keeping all the "kids" playing nicely.  The white one seemed to have gotten a little of her umph back.  It is so nice when one can dominate another even if they are only a quarter of the size.  In the dog world size doesn't matter - all that matters is who intimidates the best and the white one has that down to a "T".  She does it with brute force - a nip on the butt, a pull on the ear, a nose in the gut.  She proudly will take down a wounded baby and crow about it.  Or howl about it ...

She stands proudly over the wounded baby and like a bully stands over a fallen kid and smiles brightly at all those that pass by.  Meanwhile the baby doesn't know she has just be dominated thinks it is all fun and games, but is now at the mercy and whim of the an Omega who has long been fighting to renew her position in the pack.  Humans must intervene for baby does not yet know that she is to submit and by not submitting she will be punished and today she can not be punished - because she has 12 stitches in her stomach and punishment may well rip out those stitches.  

This does not bode well for sleeping arrangements, for Omega will overstep her bounds with the Alpha and will eventually be cast out of the pack.   It is a given - Omega never gives up she will fight for Alpha position, so  tonight she will fight and again Alpha will hurt her again - Alpha is 108 pounds with all her teeth, Omega is only 38 pounds with 2 teeth.

And the new Omega leaves this pack to join her own pack were she is Alpha, and does not yet realize it -  But in time she will and when that happens our Omega will not be able to dominate but will be dominated and then our Omega will hang her head is shame and sorrow.  It will be a sad day when that happens. 

Day 38 - To the show

Yesterday we went to West Side Story, and I found myself singing along to all those classic hits.  When I was growing up I used to put on the record and dance .  Not the Jerome Robbins version but my version with leaping  and pounding and stomping.  Many a times dad would come downstairs and tell me to stop I was shaking the whole house.  I loved dancing back in the day.

The show was wonderful (even though the lead did have some trouble hitting a few of those notes), but we were towards the back of the theater and at the start of the show - when all was quiet - we heard I can't hear you speak up.  Someone was on their cell phone -and no attendants in sight.  It wasn't I have to go now the shows starting, or I will talk to you later, it was an irritable I can't hear you.  If I had the guts I wanted to say but everyone can hear you.  I can only imagine it was so rich old biddy.

In fact the whole audience was made up of rich old people.  If you were to choose to rob a theater this was the show to do it at.  Our seat mate must have been wearing $100K of jewelry, must have added at least 10 pounds to her slight frame and her perfect coiffed hair.  She sat next to TH during the first half, and moved over a seat for the second half - got tired of TH's arm in her chest I am sure (TH has very wide shoulders and he takes up more then the back of his seat).

I got my aisle seat so all was good for me.

Day 37 - Quick notes

We are going to see West Side Story today, it is suppose to be partly in Spanish, but I don't believe it.  We will see.

Group went well.  The KFC Chick didn't show up, so everyone was  pretty happy.

One person went off program, and said that she couldn't do anything about it, but she is thrilled because her BMI is under 30 now so she is no longer obese.  I think that when people get close to goal weight something clicks in the brain that they don't have to be as strict with the program.  It is like they are just a bit better then those of us who have a long way to go.

BMI under 30 did get scolded by the facilitator, not so much that she went off program, but she refused to document what it was she ate.  She told us that she just couldn't keep track of all she ate it was just too traumatic.  (She was at a funeral of her 98 year old grandmom.)

Putting the period inside the parentheses feels weird.

Love girl got lots of kudos.  She wore makeup and everyone said she looked really good.  Do you think if I wear makeup people will say the same about me?  Am I sounding green?

Well off for a walk.

Day 36 - Water logged and other random thoughts

It is suppose to be another sunny day well in the 70's and maybe reaching 80.  This San Francisco family has long adapted to the fog, we like the fog, we want the fog.  We like the fog because -

1/  It keeps us cool when we walk
2/  People don't feel they need to go out in the fog so usually we have parks and other outdoor venues to ourselves
3/ We don't see our neighbors
4/ Its romantic
5/ Edgar Allan Poe's poem
6/ No sunburns
7/ All that moisture in the air keeps my skin hydrated and plump
8/  I only have to drink 7 glasses of water instead of 8 (see 7)

Yesterday T&I went 4.4 miles, but I think that the pedometer is off.  T was definitely tired when we got home, went and crashed, I couldn't even get her to come up for dinner, so I took it down to her.  She was going to lay down and eat it, but I was damned if I was going to let her be that lazy, so I kept pulling the food away from her until she stood up...Am I evil or what.

Because I drink an ungodly amount of water I have to get up at least 3 and sometimes four times at night.  Now the question is do I turn on or keep the bathroom light off?  If I turn it on when I head back to bed I generally trip over something - specifically a white dog who is lying in the middle of the floor.  If I keep it off I fall asleep on the toilet.  Hmm dilemmas.

T1 is bringing the little one here today because tomorrow she is having a big operation.  It is always scary when your dog has this big scary operation.  The poor puppy will have her first bad thing happen to her since she was yanked away from her littermates.  But all will be well in the end.

Hey T2 - you have a new name - "Gossip Girl".

xoxo

Day 35 - First Social

Well I knew the day would come that I would have to go somewhere where there was food.  There were two good things about it - there was nothing there I wanted to eat and it was a buffet so no one noticed I wasn't eating.

It is hard for me to do normal chitchat when I am feeling up and perky, but when I am not which I haven't been perky or happy on this here diet I just couldn't bring myself to chitchat.  Most of the time I got my blank look out when people would talk with me, and I would pull a dad.  It actually was too hard to listen with all the background noise and I just didn't want to.  But TH was in full stride and as verbal and outgoing as ever.

I am finding out that I don't want to deal with any social situations even if it doesn't involve food.  It is so hard for me to sit and try to make conversation when most of the time my mind is blank.  I am finding that is hard to concentrate as well.  I am not interested in any books (except those I have on BOT) I think the idea of reading just tires me out.  So though I am not physically tired on this here diet I am mentally tired.  And always at the back of my mind is what is going to happen in January.

Enough of this..

Day 34 - The 8 miles that didn't happen

Well we didn't make the eight miles and that is a good thing.  We started out on our big walk and as we were walking people kept passing us by, walkers, runners, little old ladies and little old men.  This one woman blew by us running with her baby in a stroller, she wasn't jogging, but running.  She passed a walker who had blown by us a few minutes earlier, and I sat and wondered how they were going to keep up that pace.   It wasn't long until the runner was walking and the walker was passing her by, then the runner turned around and not to long after that so did the walker.  We did pass one couple.  They had a brand new German Shepherd and the puppy was taking in all the new sights and sounds it was very beautiful to see.    Did you know that I absolutely love puppies.

So we made it into the park all the way to the buffalo patch.  I wanted to go on, but TH knew better and made us turn around.  A good thing too - I almost didn't make the last mile.  As I was dragging back to the car I kept thinking oh dear I am going to have to tell T2 I can't walk 50 miles.  We got home and everything ached.  TH said he would have walked a bit faster, but he was being a good husband and keeping pace with me.  My spirits were really low, I have been walking T almost everyday for a month - we have worked our walks to be 60-90 minutes TH hasn't been walking and he had no problem with the walk.  

I wondered if the diet might have something to do with being so achy and tired.  According to the pedometer I used up the total amount of calories that I am allowed for the day.  Which means my body was either fueled by lean muscle or fat.  I hope fat - after yesterday I am not sure how much muscle mass I have left.

So I was worried about pain- that is the only good thing, today I feel fine.  Yesterday I didn't think I would be able to walk again for a week - today I think I can do it again.  But most importantly I had no knee pain during that entire walk!!!

Today is TH's sons baby shower, so no walk, just a very long drive.

Day 33 - T&TH's Excellent Adventure

Today T & TH are going adventuring, that is walking 8 miles.  We will see who gives up first.  I am thinking it will be me.  HE is a stubborn man, and I haven't walked more then 1.5 hours which leads me to believe that I cannot walk 8 miles yet.  We have decided to leave the dogs behind - which means we are going to have to take them for a walk when we get back.  We need a hot tub here in the city.

Yesterday T and I walked over hill and dell and everyone commented on T.  I don't know what it was usually nobody comments or even looks at her, but yesterday I kept getting the same question - is she full blooded GSD?  You know that they are not really dog people if they can't tell.  Finally one person asked if "he" was a German Shepherd, and I responded you got it half right and walked away.   Too subtle?  Maybe he was left pondering if she was German or a Shepherd - Oh well.

Wish me luck...

Day 32 - Casinos

Yesterday big D and I went to a casino to lose some money.  I enjoy playing the slots, but just once I would like to win big.  I haven't ever won anything more than $200 and that was back when I was poor and the $200 meant something.  But every time I go to the casino now I hope to win big - you know like $500K- I figure I have poured enough money into them that it is my time.  Everybody has a winning streak - where is mine?  With the $500K I would do many things, and all for me.  Not a generous person am I.

But I didn't win big and came home with an empty wallet.  I also starved big D.  Usually when we go to the casino we stop for breakfast, eat lunch and maybe stop for dinner.  This time I made her an English Muffin for breakfast, she had no lunch and I bought her an apple pie (Hostess) and a candy bar for dinner.  When she got out of the car she nearly fainted from hunger.  What an evil daughter am I.

I now understand BIL1 hatred of the bay area traffic.  We left at 3 or thereabouts and I didn't get home until 8pm.  The traffic was stop and go the minute we hit 580 - it was horrible.  I wanted to pound my fist and yell, but I didn't.

There was a welcome sight when we pulled up to her house and I felt all tension go out as little N jumped up and greeted me.  Have I said that that little one can jump?  Then T1 greeted me and life was good.

Day 31 - Smart Dog

We are off to the casino to make big bucks, or give up big bucks depends on the spin.  I have one game that I really like, but it cost like $4 bucks a pop to play.  But of course it is a penny machine.  All the little old ladies and little old men run for these penny machines thinking eh whats a penny.  Wrong!!!  In the old days it was nickel machines and you would pluck in your nickel and you would win or lose with that one nickel - now it is play up to 45 nickels ($2.25).  It would be better to do quarters which is usually max 3 (.75) or 5 (1.25), and the pay out is better with quarters.  My friend K likes the $1 but I just can't go there I will stick with my penny machine that charges me 400 pennies to play ($4.00).  Yea makes perfect sense to me.

So I am in the bathroom and I have this granite floor that is really slippery when wet (I know I know why have a slippery floor in a bathroom- ask the contractor)   Anyway T followed me in for her good morning rub down, which is our routine in the morning.  However, this morning there was water on the floor as I had filled her water bowl and had spilled the water coming out.  When she came in she slipped a bit and then gingerly made her way over to me.  It was hilarious watching how careful she was to make her way over the treacherous floor.  After arriving she stood on the bathmat and got a good rub down, then it was time to leave.  I walked out the door and turned around and there she was staring first at the floor then at me.  I told to her come and she just kept staring at the floor and then at me.  I told her she had to be a brave girl and come and she continued to stand there.  I just waited to see how long it would be before she got up the courage to follow me then she did the most amazing thing.  I had my towel and clothes on the bathtub edge getting ready to shower and she first knocked the towel on the floor and pushed it up over the bare floor, then she took my shirt in her mouth and walking on the towel dropped my shirt on the bare floor the grabbed my pants and did the same thing and she came prancing out of the bathroom gave me a quick sniff and a sly smile and walked off.    

Now that is one smart dog.

Day 30 - Group

Last night group was a bit of a free for all.  We had one person who got back from a wedding held in PV and talked about how she had the wait staff in the hotel, restaurants, and at the wedding doing her bidding.  I got the impression that if/when she loses all the weight she is going to be a bit of a princess.  So far she has admonished the clerk at the desk at least 3 of the the 6 weeks we have been coming in.  The first time was about the money, not that she didn't want to pay, she just didn't think it was the correct time to pay.  She went on and on in a fairly loud abrasive voice.  The second time was when she was going on a trip and wanted to order food for two weeks because she was going to be missing one week, and the third time was because she didn't know she was suppose to sign in and then be called up to pay.  Now it was the third time that was the most interesting to me.  We had been signing in since the first week as she must have done for the first two weeks, but for some reason she thought she should just stand in line.  I wasn't sure what she was thinking when the clerk called people up and they went ahead of her.  I guess the lack of food turned off her brain.  But she finally figured it out and kept talking to the clerk as she was checking people in how the clerk should have made it clear to her and how she had been standing there waiting blah blah blah.  Then when she went up to pay she made more comments about it and finally after group she made more comments about.  The next week she came in and signed in and made one more comment about it.  Talk about not letting something go...

We have one person in group that is getting therapy and she always is saying things like I am loving myself just the way I am no matter what weight I am.  I accept who I am no matter what weight I am.  But though the words come out of her mouth they don't follow her body language.  I don't know what it is, but I just get the feeling that she is not a happy person.   There is some vibe coming off her that I just don't like and out of everyone there she is the only one I haven't gone and talked to.

The most obnoxious person in the group though is this one lady.  She works at Kaiser so maybe that is why she is in the program.  I actually talked to her last night and did like her, but I am thinking she is a ringer.  She is the one who only has 20 pounds to lose and she is the one who isn't really doing the program.  So she did a check-in and said she forgot to eat at all one day so the next day she had KFC to make up for the food she didn't eat the prior day.  She talked about how hard it was to follow the program and we must have spent half the group time on her.  Finally, one person piped up and said are you sure you even want to be in the program, you aren't even trying...

It was actually an interesting night all in all, and I finally got my sleeping pills!!!!

 

Day 29 - Ocean Beach

Well when I finished trying to work I gathered T up and decided it was off for our walk and dang nab it I was going to do four miles if it killed me.  So I thought we would do Golden Gate Park because it is all up hill out and all down hill back so I grabbed my I-Touch and headed for the door only to find that my I-Touch was dead.  Battery all used up, no BOT while I walked - no Golden Gate Park.  So it was off to the beach.  The surf is so loud even with my noise cancelling earphones (which I have to say are truly spectacular) I can't hear my I-Touch so it is the one place I walk without it.

As I have said before walking on the beach is like walking in heaven or what I would expect heaven to look like.    It is the most wonderful experience one can possible have.  It beats mountains, plains, deserts and forests hands down.  Go to the beach if you really want to commune with nature and be a part of it.

So I wasn't really in the mood to walk to tell the truth, and I really didn't think without my BOT I was going to do four miles, but once we were walking along we both got a bit of a bounce in our step and we just kept going and going and going until we ran out of beach which low and behold was 2 miles.  The first mile was very easy - felt on top of the world, by the time we hit the 2 mile mark I was tired, but thought I could go another half mile and maybe even mile and make it back, but I was pleased with what we had done so we turned around and bam  we were walking into gale winds (maybe a little exaggeration but not much.)

By the time I got to the car I was almost crawling, and I didn't feel like the Ocean was my friend anymore.  Next time maybe I should start the other way.  

Day 28 - Four weeks already?

Can't believe it has been four weeks, time has a way of getting away from you no matter how hard you try to slow it down.  T Baby once told me she can diet because the day will pass anyway so why not let this day be a diet day.  I don't know it sounded better the way she said it.

Die - it.  What a dreadful word.  And I just can't get out of my funk.  Know why overweight people are happy?  Because they are always on a sugar high.  Miss my happy sugar highs.

Still haven't started working.  It is very hard to concentrate on work.  That is why I tried to get everything done before I started, but I still need to complete one more project and it is really hard for me to even think about it.  My brain is in total non work mood.  This diet is not just physical but mental, and I don't know how others manage to go to work everyday.  But those that do say it is harder on the weekends then during the week, so who knows, maybe I am the fool.

I haven't had food dreams, but I had another anxiety dream this time about the walk, but it wasn't a walk but a bike ride, and it wasn't flat it was all hills and I tried riding and I couldn't even get up a little hill, and the sponsor told me that they wouldn't let me ride because I was too out of shape, and I told them that the bike didn't have gears if I had my bike I might be able to climb the hill...

Ah well...

Day 27 - Dreams, water and other stuff

I dreamed of death last night.  Not that I was dead, but I was dying.  I was with someone and they had hooked up the chemo to my hand.  I thought about it and thought I was just too tired to do anymore chemo so I took the chemo out.  Then I started thinking I am only 48 years old it isn't fair to mom and dad for me to die, so I tried to put the chemo back in and I couldn't.  I started thinking about death and its finality and thought I can struggle a little more...

Now I don't know how I came up with my age, but I do know that I didn't have chemo when I was 48.  I think the dream had something to do with the diet, but I just don't know.  I will ponder it and get back to you on that.

Water ... ugh ... I decided I was dehydrated yesterday so I started to drink more water.  Trying to get back to drink flush drink flush.  So I kept drinking all day and all night and finally I feel hydrated again, however, I am totally sick to my stomach.  I have drunk so much water my stomach aches.  I try and wake up and drink cold water in the morning before anything (they say that will jump start your metabolism that it is harder to process cold water then warm water - and I am trying to do exactly what they tell me to do.)  This morning I got up and downed 16 oz of water then finished what was in my bottle (maybe 4 ozs) and I was sure that I was having some kind of attack.   It almost felt like what it feels like when I overeat, but this time no delicious food was involved.  So we know that 20 oz of water over fills my stomach, I am not sure if that is a lot or not.   But I do know I just put 1.33 pounds in my stomach.  I have to think about this for a while and I will get back to you.

Finally my leg was killing me yesterday.  TH thought hamstring, T2 thought hamstring or sciatica (sp), I just don't know, but I do know this stupid diet won't let you take pain relievers, so I was in pain for most of the day and that put me in a bad mood.  Maybe that is were the dream came from.  Anyway I woke and the pain is gone. 

So it is raining today.  I haven't worked in a week, maybe today I will work.

Day 26 - Optifast Part II

So the shakes taste terrible (it is mostly the aftertaste) and they can come through your pores (like garlic), but I haven't been hungry on this - yet.  The last time I dieted with a program I was always hungry and light headed, neither which has been a problem on this diet.  Nor have I had much in the way of cravings of other food. 

But that doesn't mean I don't miss food.  I do.  Alot.  When TH makes eggs I miss eggs, when TH makes toast I miss toast, I am sure you get the picture.  But just on my own with no food cues around I don't miss anything.  I don't know if this is unusually, but to me it tells me that I eat alot with my eyes.  I don't spend my whole day thinking about food and I don't think often (I think about it sometimes) about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet. 

On those days that I think about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet is usually triggered by a picture.  But it has a lot to do with when I last ate also.  If I haven't had a shake for a while and I see food I am triggered, but if I have had a shake then  not so much.  They say that there is no appetite suppressant in the shake, but I am not so sure.  However, in group I hear about 3/4 of the group are hungry all the time - so I guess that is what makes a horse race.

One of the things people complain about in group is the amount of food ads there are.  I already knew this from 30 years ago when I did my first major diet.  I sat in the group stunned that these people didn't know that.  Was I the only one who had dieted before?  It kind of bothered me.  Was everyone else virgin dieters?

The only thing negative so far is I am bit depressed.  I vaccilate between thinking I have to do this for the next 82 weeks or I am going to fail.  Sometimes I just want to burst out crying not because I am hungry or tired, but because I have this huge hill in front of me and I don't know if I can make it to the top.   I know I only have 12 more weeks on the shakes and that freaks me out.   In some ways I wish that I could just lose all the weight on the shakes and then try real food, but that isn't how the program works.  I can, though, stay on 3 shakes a day and the rest regular food - but what is regular food.    Well I have 3 more months to figure that out.

And that is it so far...

Day 25 - Optifast

Per T2's request - My first 4 weeks.

I had serious concerns starting out on this diet whether or not I could handle just drinking the Optifast shakes and not knowing what the shakes tasted like.   Furthermore, I was/am traumatized over what I am going to do after the 17 weeks and I have to fend for myself.    In many ways it was like adding a baby to the family, not knowing if I can handle it, but knowing I couldn't just give up.

TH emptied all cupboards and refrigerators of all food for that first week only to find out that the actual shakes didn't start until the following week.  Instead of loading up the house with food again I just bought the product on line and started  three days early.

The week before I started I had a farewell party for all my favorite foods, Indian a couple of times, pizza, steak and cake with lots and lots of icing (oh and donuts, hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, sushi and cookies).  I literally ate myself sick that by the time I started I was happy not to be eating, which made the first day very very  easy.   Sort of...

The shakes are nasty tasting, and I didn't know that they needed to be blended so the first shake I had was chocolate and I had these big wet brown clumps that made me gag when I tried to swallow them.  I tried in the beginning to make the shakes a meal, sit down and enjoy, but there is no enjoying these puppies, I drink them to sustain myself nothing else.  I tried putting ice and making frozen shakes, but it just took longer to drink it down, and the shakes leave a really bad after taste.  I went to kiss T and she keeled over in a dead faint.  I personally think that she was exaggerating a bit, but if it smelled as bad as it tasted maybe not so much huh.

When I went in the first day that we were to start the product I had lost two pounds, (I am thinking maybe more since I did kind of pig out for 4 of those 7 days), so I was off and running a bit ahead of the pack.  Yea ME!!

Throughout the first week I had no problem with the product except that they taste terrible, and I did discover the soups are delicious (no aftertaste)!!!  I make the soup the last item of the night and it is like my desert for the day.  I look forward to the soup.

So that first week I diligently drank my shakes taking a little sip and then some water  - oh yea 64 oz of water a day.  From someone who doesn't drink water that was a tall order and it was wrecking havoc with my system.  Drink flush drink flush drink flush - all day and all night.

So the second week I just couldn't stand it anymore - I poured the shake into the glass and drank it down in a single gulp.  Ten seconds at the most and it was done.  I do that with the water now too.  I get up in the morning pour two glasses (20 oz) of water and down it.  Then I get my tea!!!

There is much more to tell, but you will have to wait until tomorrow.  As my ex-boss T says Happy Friday!!!

Day 24 - Walks part 3

Yesterday was a non human day.  Meaning I saw only TH and only talked to T2.  I am not a very social person and find nothing wrong with having no contact with people at times.  Actually I think it is genetic, because I could go long periods of time without contact with the outside world  (much like my GM) unlike TH who needs it all the time.  

Anyway I do see people when I walk and after yesterday I wouldn't mind seeing just a few less.  We should change the name of Candlestick Park to make out point.  During the summer it was drug point and I guess during the winter it is make out point.  So I am walking along minding my own business when T wants to go chase after something in the bushes.  She is yanking on my arm and whining like a horse, and I had my head phones on so I just screamed at her to stop pulling me.  I looked into the bushes to see what it was that she was getting so excited about and up popped a man zipping up his pants and next came a woman straightening her blouse.  Now I don't know if they were fornicating or not, but I have my suspicions.

Then we get to our turn around place and there on the wall is woman with her legs wrapped around a guy and they are having a heavy duty suck face session.  I never know whether to let them know I am there or not.  Then we get to the picnic area and there at the table I see the same scenario that I saw on the wall.   And then when we got to the fishing wharf  I saw it again.

Finally we are walking back to the car and there on the lawn is a man and a woman out in the open for all the world to see.  You know I could have turned the other way and walked away, but it is a public park and I was not going to let some young kids chase me away.    We walked right by, and Taya wanted so much to investigate (you know humans on her level) but I dragged her away.  We got to the car with no more incidents.  I do have to say I am not real keen about going to that park again on a sunny day.  You know maybe it was just the excitement of the Giants winning made everybody randy.  There was a parade downtown and I missed it - but so did they.

    

Day 23 - Exercise maven

Last night was all about exercise.  I was sitting in the lobby and here comes this very short woman who had a cart full of mats and balls.  I wasn't paying that much attention, just noticing how short she was when they called her name.

Now this woman, was very short, but everything else was in proportion.  Did I mention she was very short?  Maybe 4'10.  The reason I keep bringing this up is I don't remember her being so short.  TH and I had met her when we went to try the personal nutritionist.  She had done the intake, and we both really liked her.  She was the physical guru and the other one was the nutritionist.    

When I realized where she was from I got really embarrassed because we had discussed with the nutritionist how this was not what I wanted to do.  The nutritionist felt it wasn't the best program and told us to follow her diet plan and I could lose 4 pounds a month.  So here I was not taking the nutritionist advice and I don't know how that translated to the other one, but it did.

She recognized me and it was all downhill after that.

While we were doing exercises we were suppose to do this chair exercise but you needed both sides of the armrest so I got up to let the person next to me do it and she saw me standing there and told me to come sit by her.  I said no I didn't want to look like the teachers pet.  I think I hurt her feelings.

Seguing  into the next topic, T and I did go for our walk yesterday, I wanted to walk for an 1.5, but we ended up only walking 1 hour.  I could have done the full 1.5 hour, but dingleberry here started to foam at the mouth and I got all worried that she was going to pass out.  I didn't bring any water with me so she just got way too thirsty.  I am thinking of maybe carrying a camelback, so carrying the water won't be so hard on my shoulder and I should be able to carry more water that way.  In Candlestick they have these stations along the way to do similar strength exercises.  I haven't done strength exercises  ever, so this should be very interesting!!!

Please note I did not do what many do and say seguing smoothly - do I know my vocab or what.

Til tomorrow.

Day 22 - Blood again

Today is another blood day, I hope I don't get stuck with the intern. This is my second blood draw in two weeks and I am already feeling weak.

I went over to Big D and T1 house yesterday to go to a movie with Big D. But while there I played with Little N. She is in heat and I can only guess that it is most uncomfortable for her. We played for about half and hour and then she had to go rest. My T can't jump (to big), but this little one jumped almost 5 feet at a stand still. I wonder how high she could jump with a running start? Anyway she was jumping up grabbing my hair and falling back to the floor. For the first time in my life I am actually happy that I have fine thin hair, or she would be taking me down with her. Yikes!!! I am never able to get my dogs to lie still long enough for me to get tired of petting them, but she lay there getting a stomach rub until I got tired of it.

With T she will try and get away and I will yank her head back and tell her I'm not done cuddling. She used to be such a great little cuddlier, but not anymore. TH told me I couldn't buy another dog just to get cuddles. Just isn't fair.

Well off to the blood suckers - wish me luck!!!

Day 21 - What is the magic number

I heard somewhere that it took six weeks to break a habit, and another study shows on average it takes 66 days to form a habit. The study does say that it isn't that precise, it can take for some items 18 days to 254 days. So what am I trying to do break a habit or form a new habit?

How long will it take me to be able to walk 20 miles. How long will it take to walk the 20 miles? Will I be able to do it by March 3? Presently I am walking about 2.5 miles an hour, so right now it would take 8.5 hours to walk 20 miles --BUT that doesn't take into account fatigue.

And when it is over - do I stop walking having achieved my goal? Do I always need some goal to keep me physically active. How long does that take? That I wouldn't need a goal to keep me going? At least for now I think I do, so now I have to look for something else after the walk hmm I wonder what it will be.