Day 112 - Some people are just too...

Today we walked Lake Merced - I have a new goal of walking 4 miles in an hour so I decided that we would try and catch up to people as we walked instead of always being passed by.  So off we went with our new goal in mind.  I was really pushing it, really wanted to do the fifteen minute mile (I know I know it doesn't sound that fast but it isn't something we have ever done yet...)

I really thought we were doing it I thought I could maybe have one fifteen minute mile so I am sitting there sweating up a storm T is foaming and I keep pushing - pushing.  I wouldn't even let her dump - such a mean mom am I.  So I see this woman ahead of us and she is talking on the phone so I push T to catch and pass her because - well because that was my goal for the day to pass all walkers.  So we pull along side her and pass her and then the next thing I know she comes charging up and starts keeping pace with us.  Now this just isn't going to work with T - she gets confused and thinks that we have a new friend and she wants to meet and greet her, so I am fighting with my baby to keep going and she wants to check out the chick next to us.  I finally fall back to let her go as fast as she wants (probably doing a fifteen minute mile) and we drink some water - let T do her business and she is gone -

10 minutes later there she is again just sauntering along - and I know the minute I catch up to her she is going to be gone like a bat out of hell, so I catch up to her and yup she ups her pace to slow jog.  Man I don't want to play who can walk faster - I just want to do my 15 minute mile - so we let her go again  only to catch up to her again this time we were close to the car so I just let T do her horse bit and she could have only passed up is if she actually did start running.  But she did really try...

I also learned something really important - if you walk faster then you don't go as far... Figure that one out.

For anyone who is wondering - we only managed 3.5 miles an hour - but I still have a month to get it up to 4...

Day 111 - On to Sawyer Canyon Road`

We decided to walk Sawyer Canyon (the walk around the lake in San Mateo) and I thought this would be a great walk for training, but we couldn't take the dog.  We got to the first spot where TH thought would be good to start but there were like 1000 cars parked there so we decided to go to Millbrea.

TH took through memory lane, talking about sneaking down when he was boy and going fishing - climbing in areas he wasn't suppose to be and just generally being a boy.  It was charming to hear his stories and I could almost imagine myself their in the early 50's a safer quieter time.

So we got to the walk and I got out of the car and immediately said this just isn't going to work - it was all downhill.  I was freaking out the whole walk down and I just knew I couldn't make it back - so I only walked 1.3 miles before telling TH we HAD to turn around.  But the hill just looked worse then it was, so now I regret having turned around.  I decided to walk the whole trail next Wednesday for our anniversary.  It was too beautiful to even listen to BOT  - so I am looking forward to Wednesday.

Day 110

Went to see big D and then came home very quiet day.  We were going to do a walk, but I am to lazy to get up early and by the time we got home it was after 3.  But it was relaxing and I did do the elliptical so that was fine.  T was loving and the food was good - So all in all it was an okay day.

Day 109 - One is the loneliest number

Today is a very bad day.  I have a creek in my neck and I am tired and grumpy.  My knee hurts and I am cold.  Today is a very bad day.

I had to fast for the labs and I get to the lab and I haven't eaten for a very long time and the guy who takes the blood goes looking forward to breakfast?  Huh?  By the time I get out of there it is going to be lunch time - and I am hungry and grumpy.

I sit there quietly until he says this might sting a bit - what?  He doesn't know how to take blood without stinging me?  I want a new  vampire!!!  Then he goes back to breakfast - so what are you having for breakfast?  So my day just went downhill from there.

Day 108 - First food woohoo

So I ate my first meal - chicken and broccoli.  Yummy!!  But I do have to say that I was a little worried about the food - it tasted a little fatty to me and then I started to worry maybe it wasn't lean chicken it was fatty chicken and how do I cut out the fat when it is in the chicken breast.  Still it was actually kind of fun  - I sat at our dining room table and ate a real meal (alone) but it was fine.  I had to eat with my back to the window because we don't have curtains and I didn't want people watching me eat.

I savored every morsel and even shared with the white one (I know it said 4 oz but it looked more to me.)  If only I could chicken like that I would be in heaven it was so good and juicy... Oh well enough about the food.

I didn't get to the labs to get tested so I am doing that tomorrow, so I probably won't have the results until next week, but they are always fine and now it doesn't really matter anyway.  Well I am going to go play Starcraft - it is an absolutely horrible addiction, I don't know why I even started.

Day 107 - Bad night

Last night didn't go so well for me.  When it came my time to "share" I told them what I was doing about the food.  The facilitator asked if I could keep that up indefinitely.  I said well at least in the beginning and she said that is awful expensive.  I said I wasn't worried about the money - I mean I am spending $4300 on the program - with food being $130 a week - what is the difference between spending $130 on shakes and bars rather then prepared balance meals.  I didn't say that, but after I said I wasn't worried about the money I heard Ms Sourpuss make a snide comment.  Hurt my feelings - but I will get over it.

B has lost 72 pounds in the 15 weeks, and he was upset because this last week he only lost a pound.  Boy some people are greedy.

I also figure that I haven't been exercising correctly.  I am not bringing my heart rate up high enough, so I did an experiment on the ellipitical and I tried to get my heart rate up, but my legs gave out before I could get the heart rate up.  Bummer!  I am not sure how I am going to do that.  The guideline on the elliptical is 130-150 strides per minute - I have been averaging about 125 - so I think I will work on the strides first see if I can get my legs strong enough to do 150 so that I can bring my heart rate up.  And of course walking doesn't do it.  Unless I started walking up hills, but that seems too hard on my knee.  Problems - problems -problems...

Day 106 - Last day of all liquid

So we have made it through 15 weeks of horrible tasting shakes and wonderful soup.  Next week I get to chew real food and have one less shake.  I am actually looking forward to food, and I am not sure that is a good thing.  I did order my next week of food today - I am branching out a bit and the dinners I ordered are more like 350 calories.  Which means that I am left with having to come up with 125 more calories a day.  But I will worry about that next week.

Weight loss is going out on a whimper, I didn't really lose any weight this last week, don't really understand how all this works, but I can only hope that I will continue to lose weight even after the product.  I can always sign up again...

There is one more month until the walk and I still haven't done any big mileage.  I keep saying I will tomorrow, but it kind of is like dieting - tomorrow never comes.  So walking 15 miles at once - I don't know if I can do it.  T and I can only give it the college try - but where and when?  Oh and is there a who in that too?

Off I go!  

Day 105 - Ready for bed

So T and I didn't walk 14 miles, but we did 11.5, only because I had to cut one walk short.  I decided that I was going to try and break the walk into two distinct walks with rest inbetween, and it did seem to work.  I wanted the first walk to be 8 miles, but as everyone who knows me knows I had to rush home in a panic.  So we got a late start and then we didn't start the second walk until 3:30.  I do have to say it is cold - I didn't wear a jacket, and both walks were a bit brisk.

So for the good news.  I walked the mileage with very little tiredness, bad news, my feet...  So I am getting fit enough that the 11.5 mile wasn't so tiring that it left me exhausted, but my feet hurt.  I switched shoes = so the second half I wore different shoes, but those just hurt me in different places.  If I was still working at Hoagy's I know my feet wouldn't be hurting right now - oh well.

So it is dark out and I am looking out on the ocean and I see a bright light like it is a fire in the middle of the ocean, but Th says that those are crabbing boats.  I can eat crab on Wednesday if I want - just can't have any butter with it.  - Crab without butter just isn't the same.

Well I am happy - I know I can walk at least half the course now.  Tomorrow is the last lab day and EKG.  I hope I will sleep well.

Day 104-True Grit and other gritty tales

Yesterday we saw True Grit and I have to say it was a bit too bloody for me.  TH wonders why I can watch Bones, but this grossed me out - well it was a hard movie to watch - and I won't be watching it again.  But both TH and D loved it so it wasn't a total waste.  I also saw the Green Hornet.  That too was horrible.  I am going to have to see a really good movie to make up for these two.

D has also been on a diet and he is looking like he lost a lot of weight.  Unfortunately he couldn't tell I had lost weight - again it was so how is going - you losing any weight... TH said that he didn't say that but he did - really.
I am struggling with this whole weight loss issue and I don't know if I am mentally prepared for the next phase.   I am starting to look forward to food to much.  Only time will tell.

I am resting up today because tomorrow I really plan to walk 14 miles even if it kills me, so I will let everyone know how I did in the next post until then - eat popcorn.
  

Day 103 - Morning surprise

I woke up this morning with TH bring me a bag full of surprises.  Two years ago he gave me a charm bracelet, and I was suppose to get a charm for every month that I exercised.  I exercised sporadically and I got sporadic charms, but enough to fill the charm bracelet.  So I have been exercising ever since I started the program, so I guess that is three and a half months.  I still feel that I need to earn the first six charms I have, but he thinks that I deserved two new charms - now who am I to argue?

I got a gold nugget and I got a cupcake.  Now I have to say that the cupcake looks good enough to eat.  But I loved both of them and even though the cupcake was "silver" I love it just the same.

I got my food yesterday!  I found that I can't have the squash :( -but I can have the broccoli and chicken.  I was just so excited running around with my food singing to T about how I was going to eat something she would want to eat and just generally have a grand old time.  It doesn't look like a lot of food, but then who cares - I just hope I can swallow.  I think the my throat has gotten smaller, so if I don't blog next Thursday  you will know I choked to death.

I am planning on walking today, but T is such a *itch around other dogs I don't know where to take her.  It is such a beautiful day that everybody is going to be out and about.  I will let you know what happened and where we went.

Cheers

Day 102 - Disheartened

So I think I am afraid of getting disheartened.  My big fear is that I will slow down to half a pound or a pound and I will just get disheartened.  I don't want to give up the food and the rapid weight loss.  If I was closer to goal maybe it would be different, but I am not and it is a long way off, so the instant reward is gone and now it is just drudgery.  Not eating and being hungry... Not something I am looking forward to.  ARGH!!!

Day 101-To tired to poop

So I have been sick, but I thought that I could get right back out there and pick up right where I left off. Ha!!

So today I decided to wear my "comfortable shoes" as yesterdays shoes were really heavy and made my feet more tired then normal, so I wore my "favorite shoes" hoping that I could maybe do a little more distance.  I did my normal wrap and headed out the door.  T was just a bundle of joy - another walk - life was grand, so we got in the car and I immediately had to come back in.  Nerves - don't ask - there is absolutely nothing in my body, but what little there is my nerves insist on purging.  (Okay more then you want to know -)

So by the time we finally get to the lake T has already had three major dances a few songs thrown in for good measure.  In other words she worked herself into a frenzy and she was tired.  But off we went.  Everything was good - real good, I felt light on my feet I felt my energy soaring and I thought I can do this twice - I feel that good.

Then at exactly the 2.4 mile mark - da da dumdum dum dum dum dum dum.  Yes my nerves kicked in, and I had to get back to the car immediately - but it didn't matter which way I went I was exactly half way around the lake.  Now which way to the car would be faster?  I didn't know - it didn't matter so I kept walking the way I had been walking.  Anyway that emergency passed and my soles of my feet started to hurt a bit.  I knew we weren't doing the lake twice, but I didn't expect feet problems after all the taping and all that I did to protect my poor feet.  But the last mile was very painful - but more so was that one legged man who passed me again.  I tell you - the last time he passed me I thought how can a one legged man walk faster then a six legged creature?  Well I tell you how - I had more blisters on my feet then he could possible have.  So there.

Day 100 - Group 15 and random thoughts

It was a quiet day.  Group went fairly evenly, maybe a little boring - Ms. Sourpuss wasn't there and KFC Chick is at the end of the product now so didn't talk so much about cheating.  However, there did seem to be a few more people cheating then usual.  I guess as we wrap up this phase people don't really think that it is as important to stay the course.  Ms I binged because people were mean to me informed us all that she hadn't stayed the course and she felt so ashamed.  Everyone told her not to be ashamed and be happy with the weight loss already done.

Everyone has heard my rant before, so nothing new on the cheating.  Pay the piper I say.  But paranoia is rampant.  People are thinking that people are being mean to them because they are losing weight.  I have to say that I have never come across people being mean to me because I lost weight.  Most of the talk is that these peoples skinny friends are insecure with their friends losing weight and what - stealing their husband/boyfriend?

But the question that should be asked is - has the dynamic of the relationship changed.  Maybe before they were less sure of themselves and it was easier to control them?  As they lose weight they gain more control over their lives and  so are not so pliable?  Now I know that isn't the case with me, but I have never felt beat down by my friends and family (for the most part.)

There is some emotional aspect of eating, but there was an emotional aspect of smoking as well.  Those are just reasons why you eat at times when you don't need to eat.  Hopefully after 100 days I am learning to control the eating.  For me I like food.  One ice cream cone taste great two tastes better.  So maybe I can eat one ice cream cone - but that isn't going to be for a while.  I am content with the idea that I may spend the next year eating only skinless chicken and boiled vegetables.    One can only hope.

Day 99-One more week

So I have one more week.  I have stayed the course not going off once...

So when I started this was the part of it that I was worried about.  Could I go with so little food.  I found that it was actually easy and as I have said in my blogs before now with the transition to real food I am worried that this is going to be the hard part.  I like losing 3 or 4 pounds a week, and part of the problem before was that I did not like losing a pound or half a pound a week.  Everyone says that we can't keep up this rapid weight loss, that it isn't healthy in the long run, but what about people who have surgery?  They have rapid weight loss?  Okay - so I will continue to follow the program, but still...

I have a plan, but I have had plans before.  We can only wait and see.

Day 98 - Still sick?

Yup still sick.  I am getting pretty sick of being sick - okay okay next year I will get a flu shot - geez.  But for now I am sick.  And it is just dragging.  I don't know if I can talk yet, haven't tried, maybe scared a little.  I was going to start "living" again even if I wasn't well today - I mean how long does it take to get over a dang cold.  And what will the cold do to my labs?  Oh well.  Not much I can do right now but go forward.

My office is still a mess.  I will clean my office today.  Good idea - it will stay clean for about a minute...

So during this time of illness I have had more time to reflect on my upcoming transition - I really didn't need the extra time though.  It is freaking me out as it is and I am unsure how I will cope with choices again.  I worry that I will get hungry and cheat, or it will taste so good that I will have two servings or any number of things can happen and I will fall off the diet and for me it is all or none.  TH says that is my downfall, I don't know how to say oh I cheated so I will just start again now.  No - one cheat and I am gone - in a world of madness filled with - well right now food doesn't sound good, but when it does I will fill in the blanks.

Exactly 8 days before transition, so I thought maybe if I am allowed 3 products a day that is 21 products a week - I do product for 3 days and real food 4- TH doesn't think it works that way - but I can only ask.

Well enough whining...sick...transition...sick - blah

Day 97 - Fantasy Books

I stopped reading fantasy when I was in my early 20's.  At the time it seemed to me childish and immature.  I did try a number of times to get into the latest fantasy craze, but I had moved on to vampires and comics.  Once a week I would run down to the bookstore and pick up my latest comics.  I was mesmerized by the art and the stories was all a good soap opera would want.  Let me tell you that TV soaps have nothing on the comics.  So for years I immersed myself into that world and for a while I wrote.  Nothing profound or great - just random melodramatic thoughts.   Now I immerse myself in television.  I am a television junky if there ever was one.  I love the stories I love the interaction I even love the bad acting.

But I still like a good book.  About ten years ago I started up with fantasy again.  My vampire phase has pretty much petered out, and while now I do occasionally read a good vampire story, I lean more towards mysteries and yes fantasy.   It started when I was trying to entertain myself while I exercised on my stationary bike.  I had discovered books on tapes and I wanted something that would hold my interest but I didn't have to pay very close attention to, so I found an epic fantasy story.  I found the beginning horribly boring and I had to listen to the beginning about 4 times because I would space out in the middle and couldn't track all the characters let alone the main characters.  Then about 12 hours into the book it go really interesting.  I mean I was riveted.  I couldn't wait to find out what happened next and to my joy this author had 8 more books just like this one.  Each book was over 35 hours long, and they kept me going on my exercising better then any trainer could.  During the course of time he wrote 3 more books and then got sick. It is all one story and it was suppose to end, but he never finished it.  But they did get someone to go over his notes and finish the story for him.  There is one more book left and the author has done a great job picking up from where he left off.  So I will - hopefully - be able to see how the story ends.  Unfortunately, that is probably where that universe will end though.

But getting back to the point - most fantasies have similar story lines - an ordinary boy/girl has extraordinary abilities and doesn't know about them, has to fight to save there world - they win and live happily ever after (yes some fairy tales do tell the same story with less words.)  What sets fantasy stories apart is to write a fantasy it has to be over 300,000 words.  I don't know if that is a rule, but it seems that all fantasies are huge.  Epic is I guess what they call them.  That is a lot of words.

So I am still reading fantasy, mystery, and sometimes political thrillers, but I haven't graduated to "literature" yet, give me a few years, maybe I will become more sophisticated.

All of this to say I found a new fantasy series that I am fully enjoying and it isn't the formula as stated above.  And the author is the one who is finishing up that great series  - so anyone who enjoys fantasy would enjoy him.

Try it you might like it. -

 

 

Day 96 - No voice no voice at all

So I am a mute.  Maybe forever?  I hope not.  It is hard not to be able to talk to people.  The first couple of hours it funny, now after three days it isn't funny anymore.  Maybe the only outlet that I will have is the dang blog.  I will never be able to verbally communicate again.  Don't bother calling because I can't talk.

But my hearing is just fine and T is talking for both of us - loudly.  She has such a way with words.  It amazes me that dogs can talk so much and so loud for so long.  Even now she looks out the window seeing if there is something to bark at.  They haven't learned that silence is golden.  They don't realize they burst our eardrums with the very loud barking, and I can't even shout at her to be quiet.

I have been trying to teach her indoor voice and outdoor voice, but she never really uses her voice outdoors it is always indoors.  And now she is barking at me.  I already fed her so she talking just to talk.

Well already I have failed my new years resolution.  I did not read a book last week or this week.  So I am renewing the resolution.  But I am listening to a fantasy (32 hours) and I am reading three books, all which have not captivated me.  So I am in search of books that will keep me riveted.  

I don't know if I will be up to exercising today, but we will see after I get my tea.

Day 95 - Sick Sick Sick

I am holed up in my house sick, and I want to exercise.  Does anyone think a walk along the beach would be bad?  We have low tide at the perfect time now.  - Bother.

This is the worse time to be sick, I only have a couple of weeks left before I go back to work and I don't want to waste them in bed.  Boohoo for me.

I stayed in bed yesterday and watched soaps and slept, I am not going to make it very long today.  I didn't feel like I had a fever, but I am sweating right now, so maybe it is breaking.  My hair is a rats nest, I fear brushing it and this whole blog is taking its toll on me.  I am too tired to think of anything interesting to say sorry to bore you all.

Day 94-Time

Time seems to just slip away from me as this journey goes forward.  I am really waiting at this point and I feel that time is slipping right by me.  T

Time is so precious, but we let it just slip by trying to find things to make it pass quicker especially when we are waiting for something to happen.  So many people dread Monday and getting up and going to work, waiting and watching the clock so their real life can begin.  Others waste time waiting so they can go to work, watching the clock until their real life begins.  While others just watch the clock waiting for their real life to begin.

While on this program I have been distracting myself from old habits that I am trying to break, and yes I am waiting for my real life to begin.  But I question - have I been having fun waiting for my real life to begin?  Though I feel guilty I have been having fun.  I love playing games all sorts of games, and doing puzzles and walking.  I have been doing all of those things I have been enjoying them (feeling guilty along the way) but I haven't been doing other things that I would also like to do.

Even as I write this I want to get back to my game.  I hate the game I am playing, and I can't seem to win.  They keep attacking me, and I don't understand why they are attacking me when I am not attacking them.  It is such a male game.  The game is just so aggressive, and I just am not all that aggressive, so I don't really know what to do.  I keep losing and getting back up and trying again.

Now I am sick, so now I am waiting to get well so my real life to begin.

Day 93 - Group

Well group was interesting we still talked about transition and what we would be doing during that period.  Our facilitator then told us that during transition we would probably GAIN weight because of water retention.  Just what everyone who is afraid to do the transition needs to hear.

Miss Sourpuss again dominated the group and talked incessantly about her her her problems and how she was going to handle her her her problems.   Furthermore, she announced to the group that she didn't have to lose anymore weight.    I guess that I might be feeling a little jealous.  There was a few people who said that they were close to goal and I felt like I was an outcast to that little elite group.  In fact about half the people are close to goal so I am a bit of an out-layer.  Oh well.  I did feel a bit left out (did I already say that?)

I just found out that our facilitator day job is a nutritionist.  So she was tell us that she would be happy to help us set up a strict structure/schedule for the food.  She also told us that it would be better if we took away choices.  What made Optifast so easy was that there were no choices, so she said do the same for the transition - take away the choices.  We can have 4 oz of lean meat and a cup of steamed vegetables.  She said have the same thing everyday just like the shakes so go and get 7 chicken breast slow cook them and then just pull out one a day and eat it.    So we are taking away one shake (160 calories) and adding 245 calories of food.  I may not do to well on this since I am not crazy about vegetables.  Oh well.

I really don't want to transition yet.  After I do my tests maybe I can talk the doctor into let me stay on for another couple of months.  I was thinking if I redid the program could I do it again if I went off?  How long should I wait?  If I continued to lose weight not on the program but at a slower rate should I do it that way?  I just don't know.   Mostly it is how much the weight will get in the way of my physical activities.  If I can do what I want to do physically then I don't think it will be a problem and a slower weight loss would be fine.  But I am not physically able to do everything I want at this point, so I guess that is a bit of my dilemma.  Enough ramblings.

Day 92 - Start of Week 14

So I have now been dieting for over 3 months, and in two weeks this phase is over.  Scary as it may be I always have the option of doing it again right?  So I went on Optifast website and they said the average weight loss on the program was 52 pounds and Kaiser says its 47 pounds.  So split the difference and it should be 49.5.

I am hoping to lose at least 30 pounds in the second half of the program, but still that isn't going to be enough.  When I look at it it just looks too daunting...

I am off more of an update tomorrow.

Day 91 - Another plateau

Well I am on another plateau.  It feels like I just got over the last one and now I am on another one?  I just don't get it.  I do all the stuff they tell me to do and here I am stuck - I haven't lost a pound all week!!!  Unless by some miracle I loss all the weight tomorrow I might have another zero week.  Bummer!!!

I also hurt my leg in the walk.  It doesn't hurt to walk, but sitting is pure agony.  Bending the leg in a certain way hurts, and twisting it just right causes shooting pain.  I am so afraid of injury right now.  I felt like crying yesterday when I found it hurting so bad.  I am so tempted to take Advil, but it is strictly prohibited.  ARGH!!!!  So what will two little pills do?  It can't hurt can it?   I am sure that two Advil will not mess up my liver.

Oh - that sounds like someone getting ready to "cheat".   Hmm - maybe I won't take the Advil.

I do have a funny story to tell about our walk.  For the most part everyone ignored us or did a wide berth.  One lady had a German Shepherd and I thought maybe it would be nice if they met, but she literally shooed T away.  But as we were going around for the second time this lady comes up to us and says I have been watching your dog walk and she has such a cute little waddle.  I looked at the lady and said, yes that is why we are walking.  She immediately was oh is she sick?  I am like???what.  Sick? No shes fat lady - see how she waddles, that isn't dog talk for come on boys check me out.  I think I embarrassed her - oh well what can I do.

Day 90 - Our first double digits

T and I did our first double digits.  I was very very sore when I finished and then TH wanted to go shopping.  It took 212 minutes so our pace dropped to 3 miles an hour.  We walked from our house to lake Merced then went twice around.  I have decided that we are going twice around the lake three times this week and maybe do a twelve mile walk somewhere else.  The training schedule shows that it should have been a sixteen mile walk yesterday, but 10.5 is all we could manage.  Next week the training schedule says it is a 12 mile walk then an 18 mile, I can tell you right now as I sit here writing this there isn't going to be any 18 miler..

How am I going to get a 20 mile walk in at DC I just don't know.  K I love you but this is crazy.  I think I need like four more months.  As  a bit of a tidbit I found out that the 50 mile walk stems from 1962 when Kennedy challenged people to walk 50 miles.  I have started to hope that maybe it will be 50K not 50 miles - .

One of the things that Dr. C talked about was "value your sacrifices"  To me this was something I assume that everyone has thought about but I never did.  She told the story of how she became friends with her trainer and they had done a hard work-out and then went to breakfast.  At breakfast she went and got a donut and he asked her what she was doing.  She said I worked hard I deserve the donut.  He said no you don't deserve the donut you deserve to value your sacrifice.  It sounded better her telling it.

Day 89 - Bed Wars

For those who have dogs you know that one is Alpha and the other is however they can fall in the pack.  In our house hold we have one dog that was born Alpha and one dog that it was forced upon her.

The story of T becoming Alpha is very funny and sometimes sad, but it is long and for another time.  Suffice it to say she is the Alpha dog in this house at this moment in time.  Which means she gets the bed.

Now TH would prefer the WM to have the bed, he says it is because she is old and deserves it, but I know it is because WM sleeps at my feet and T sleeps at his.  Granted T is a tiny bit bigger the WM, but T usually gets close to the headboard so it isn't as bad as he makes it out to be, whereas WM sleeps snap dab in the middle where my legs would go.  So I have to either sleep on either side of her or let her sleep on my legs.

While TH was gone T slept in his spot happy as a lark, getting up and moving wherever she wanted on his side of the bed, and WM slept in the middle of the floor.

Because T isn't a true Alpha, but a made one, sometimes WM can claim territory if she gets there first.  As was the case last night.  TH and WM got to bed first, while I stayed playing on computer.  When I got to bed both of them were fast asleep, and T sat whimpering at the door.  I let her out and when she came back in she stayed whimpering at the door.  She wanted me to make the evil white thing move, but I was going to let WM have the bed for the night.

So I got in bed and TH mumbled something to me and because his ears were all stuffed up I yelled what.  Then a miracle happened - for the first time in the history of T she felt she had to protect me and I found her sitting in between TH and me showering me with her tongue.  Then she decided that they both could have the bed, if she hid from WM then all would be good.  She first slept at the head of the bed, then when I got up to get water she got comfy...

I was lying between her paws

WM hidden or T hidden - who knows

I am back and she sees me

Now she can't

Day 88 - Chaos

It feels like the harder I try and keep my office nice and neat the more chaotic it becomes.  This is true even with schedules.  I try and set up an schedule and I break it before I even start.  It is amazing to me that I can spend so much time planning and end up not doing any of that which I plan.

Case in point - this week I was planning on walking Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  Now today hasn't happened yet, but I didn't walk Wednesday or Thursday.  Why?  Because I decided I didn't like walking at 4 in the evening (last times I did that  I ended walking in the dark) and by the time I got the dog put on my shoes and got out the door it would only be a very small walk.  So Wednesday I decided - oh let my body heal, Thursday I went to exercise and I got caught up playing on the computer so I just did 32 minutes (I was tired) and today - well today I just don't know.

The car is acting up and I am not allowed to take T in the human car which means if I walk I have to walk to wherever I am planning on going.  I thought about walking down to Lake Merced and around and then walking home, but that is all up hill on the way home - I am not sure I can walk uphill.  I am not sure I can walk down hill for that matter.  So walking is on hold for now.  Well until TH comes home and then we can decided what to do about the car.

So does the chaos of the room reflect the chaos of the mind?  Hmm...

Day 87 - Transition

In nineteen days we start eating again.  I have gotten quite use to not eating and I am scared stiff-less about the transition.  But it appears that most people who go through this program are afraid of the transition, and many ask if they can continue on the product.  But there is a health  danger on staying on the product and we were told  we should not order the product over the internet.  It was almost like they read my mind.

So the transition takes four weeks and then for some it will be all food all the time.  For others we can have 3 products a day.  The caloric intake goes -for most- from 960 to 1200, an increase in 240 calories.  After the 30 weeks we have our metabolic rate tested and they determine the calorie intake based on the results of that.  So basically after week thirty the rapid weight loss program stops.

For me I will still have a lot of weight to lose, but I will be at a weight were I can be more active (I hope) and feel better about myself.  I am planning on going through the full 82 weeks, even if I am the only one sitting at the table in the end, but I have too many things planned that don't include carrying an extra person around.

I worry worry worry about not being able to do it in the real world.  I know that TH will help, but I have to come to realize that - food - TH and -me- do not mix.  TH opened my eyes to a whole new array of food that I had never had before, and he brought a full larder to my world (my cupboards were always bare.)  So TH and I bonded over food we now have to bond over something else because we won't be eating together (except for special occasions of course.)  Even thinking about it makes me sad - I don't know why- but it does.

So far in these 12 weeks I have looked at food as a means to survive.  I take the product not because I like the taste or I look forward to eating, but because I have to eat it to stay healthy.  It is a completely healthy way to think about food, but since I don't like what I am eating I have no desire to eat just a little more.  What happens when the tastes overwhelm me and I can't get enough?  What happens when I want to take just one more bite?

I don't know I hope that I can overcome - stay tuned...


 

Day 86 - Some people are just born rude

Yesterday in group we had the Dr talk about the transition and some things to help us going forward.  She had talked to the group once in the beginning about the blood tests and what to expect and a little about the program and why it was a medically supervised diet.  I and I have to think most of the other people in the group found her introductory talk very interesting and informative.

However, I guess Miss Sourpuss did  not find it so.  In the Middle of Dr. C's talk Miss Sourpuss asks "Are you the same lady who talked to us early about the lab tests?  That was soo boring."

To Dr. C credit she handled it with aplomb, saying that it might be boring but she didn't want people freaking out when they saw there lab results.   

Miss Sourpuss is completely rude woman who has a huge chip on her shoulder who probably doesn't even belong in the class (she had 40 pounds to lose and lets everyone know she isn't quite in the same "group" as the rest of us.)  She has snapped at J for an insult that wasn't implied or even given, she monopolizes the group with her constant talking about what is *she* going to do when she has to eat normally, and her total obsession with how is she going to keep those 40 pounds off.  I think she needs to see a shrink.

Anyway I got lots of good information on the next phase of the diet (phase II or phase 2 whichever your heart desires) I will talk about it tomorrow.

Day 85 - Eight Miles

T and I finally did our 8 miles in 156 minutes.  Though we had done 7.7 this was the first time we broke the 8 mile mark.  It is funny TH told us that his hunting buddy did 5-6 miles a day, then when I got up to 6-7 he told me that he did 8-10 miles a day.  So when I get to 8-10 miles will he be doing 12-15?

But we are averaging a little over 3 miles an hour.  This is a good pace, but I know when I walked the first time over 7 miles my pace crept down to well under 2 mph.  The first time TH and I did the 7 miles my legs wouldn't move when we got back and my pedometer showed that I had done 20000 steps.  We walked further this time then we did before and I still haven't made 20000 steps again.

Yesterday my legs were sore when we got done, but they have been sorer, so I probably could have gone further, but this time my shoes got wet and my socks got wet and I got hot spots on my feet.  I limped back to the car trying hard not to walk on the balls of my feet.  Then when I got home I couldn't take the dang shoes off.

L asked if I always had to go big.  Why didn't I go for a 5 mile walk or even a ten?  I don't know - I think part of who I am is wanting to push the limits.  Even the weight loss is pushing the limits.  You read about people who have lost as much as I want to lose, but those are the rare stories so they make the news, the front page -  the success stories of diet centers  - they are a very small group of people and so they are touted for their success.

So I am going to try to lose all the weight and I am going to try and walk the 50 miles.

Day 84 - White Dog

With TH being gone it has come to me to deal with the white dog.  Though she is part of the family, she is all TH's dog and for me to be a caretaker for her is very difficult.  Already the battle of wills has started and she has won this round.

She takes a handful of pills a day, and TH usually hands feeds them to her, and asked for me to do the same.  Silly me agreeing.  So this morning I got up and took the dogs out into the back yard and ending up cleaning the back yard at 5:00 in the morning.  Not exactly how I like to start my day, but you do what you have to do.
Then we came back in and I read for a couple of hours, then it was time for me to make breakfast.

TH told me to wrap the pills in cream cheese and stuff them down her throat.  So I made two beautiful breakfasts and sat down to stick my hand down WM throat.  The fit she threw was monumental.  She bucked and growled and whined and threw her head about like a wild thing and I thought it would be nice if she would bite my fingers then I would be able to get the pill in her mouth, but she wouldn't come anywhere near my hand and we waged war for about ten minutes.  I mean really isn't it the dogs instinct to bite?  Now I ask you how many people have you ever met who said they wished that the dog would bite them?  Huh- huh?

She won, there was just no way that she was going to let me shove those pills down her throat, so I put them on her plate and hoped she would eat them with her breakfast - which she didn't do.  I know TH is going to angry with me, but unless I sedated her I was not going to get those frigging pills down her gullet.

After she ate breakfast she looked up at me like now who is the boss.  And off she went tail held high thinking she had won some great battle.  She definitely lives up to her name.  Witch.

Day 83 - No I am not well yet

It is hard to break habits, especially when you really enjoy that habit.  And it is easy to give yourself permission to go back to the way you were despite all the hard work and energy you expand to change those bad habits.

Point in fact.  The other day, my loving supportive husband said something very sweet and caring not knowing what impact that would have.  He said that he wished I wasn't on the diet so I could go out to dinner with him.

Now I know how he meant it and I know he wasn't meaning he wanted me to go off the diet, but for about one minute I went off the diet.  I had permission not to diet and I was free of the burden of continuing on.  It was easy to give up with his permission, and I was already at the restaurant ordering my favorite foods.  Emotionally I was actually excited that it was over before I came crashing back to earth.

Though I stayed the path I do have to say the rest of the day was very hard, and that night I had food dreams for the first time in a couple of months.  It is a tentative hold I have on this change and I need to be careful where I step, because I may step off the path and not find my way back.

Day 82 - A new year

Well it is a new year and I didn't make it until 12:00 but I did sleep in to 9:00.  I woke up for a break a TH was still awake at 1:00 reading, Then when I got up at 6:00 for another break he was sitting in the chair reading a calendar.  He doesn't leave until tomorrow morning, so he should have slept oh well.

I do have to say that I am annoyed that I wake up every two hours to use the bathroom.  The amount of water and drink could fill a small lake, but it seems that I can only hold it for two hours.  All day long all night long.  Stick a catheter in me and be done with it.  Very annoying.  And if I don't want to go every two hours I have to dehydrate myself.  Blah!!!

I do get very thirsty at night.  I have 60oz of liquid by my bed when I go to bed, and I wake up with maybe 12/16 oz. left.    I suppose that could have something to do with it, but heck what is a girl to do when she is thirsty shes thirsty.

For those of you that can make it through the night - enjoy it!!

The new year brings one resolution - I plan to read a book a week.  I could have chosen to lose weight, but that I decided is not a resolution.  The question I posed TH was does listening to BOT work as a book read or do they only have to be eyeball books?

B and I decided to read Eat, Pray, Love - so I guess that will be the first book this year.

TH and I decided to walk GG.  My pedometer said we walked 7 miles TH said 7.5 and map my walk said 6.5 - so I am not sure how many miles we walked.  I do know it was hard on me...  I really wanted to go to the aquarium but that didn't work out.  It was easy going back then going (it was slightly up hill going) so we made much better time going back.

Well it is now 10:20 and I haven't started doing anything yet so off I go.

Happy New Year!!!