Day Six Hundred and ???

652

So ends this stage of the blog.  For all intents and purposes I am done with dieting, and now I am beginning transition to maintenance.  I have seven pounds to my goal weight and 7.5 pounds to being in the "normal range" but transition will take me those last seven pounds I am sure, and if transition doesn't the surgery most certainly will.  I have basically completed this stage of the weight loss, and I have to say that there is a bit of a let down.  For almost two years my whole life has been about weight loss and getting to a certain "number" a huge goal and at times it seemed to be a goal I wouldn't be able to make, but now that I have there is a sadness.

Like I have lost an old friend, one who I could always count on, that let me know that everything was normal.  This - this is like moving and losing your job, your friends, your life.  Every morning waking up and getting on the scale hoping it would be just a little less.  The excitement when it was, the frustration when it wasn't.  But it was a daily goal, something to measure my success or failure.  Now my success is just for the scale to not move.  It really is a whole different mind set.  It is much more difficult in many aspects, I am new at this, but I know my old habits.  I keep saying to myself, keep trying to lose weight then maybe you can just maintain.  But I don't want to keep that mind frame of actively loosing weight.  It ultimately is unhealthy.  It is part of the problem to begin with, so no I don't want to say "I am on a diet".

I weigh less then what I lost (I lost more then what I weigh right now) I am a freak of nature.  I am a freak that I got so heavy, I am a freak that I lost it all.  People said it couldn't be done, I said it couldn't be done, but I did it.  And to be honest, it went a little faster then I thought.  It took twenty years to put it all on, it took two years to take it all off.  I am 53 years old and I beat the odds.

Day 642 - Last week on all product

This is my last week on product and Baby T's is leaving on Friday.  T2 was right, it was a good thing that I wasn't eating, because I would have been gaining.  It was a struggle everyday with her here.  I so often wanted to just throw up my hands and join in.

Was this a good exercise or did it just increase my craving for food.  If I wasn't on this portion of the diet and if I had been eating too much the last couple of days, could I go to a restaurant and not eat?  I have seen that I can go to restaurants and not eat, but if I can eat and I shouldn't will I or won't I.  I suppose if I am with a group of people I could not eat, but if it was just me and one other I don't think I could not eat.

As I said in earlier blogs I was shoving food down Baby T's throat.  Well I mean I was offering her all the food I was forbidden to eat, and it was almost like as was trying to get rid of my craving by having someone, anyone eat it for me.

It just made it worse.

There are some foods that I just can't eat at this time (still) and one of those foods is chips.  The facilitator had said that sometimes you just have to say that you are just never going to go there, it just something you can't have.  And one of those things is chips (or off course and ice cream) but I haven't been having as big of a craving for ice cream as I have been having for chips.

Well even though I was suppose to be eating food this week - I am starting next week, and I guess that is okay.  But I wish it was week two, because then I could have a latte and fruit.  I am still hankering for that latte.  It is going to be the first thing I have August 2.  Go August 2!!!

Day 644 - Class

So we had maintenance people come to talk to the group again, and I was a wee bit shocked by what they were telling them.

First off, one person asked if they weighed their food to get the correct weight.  They all said no.  No?  No they never weighed the food, they could tell how much it was by looking at it.

To be truthful - that is not my experience.  I weighed everything.  If I was having  tuna sandwich I weighed the tuna.  I found out very quickly that the amount of tuna that I could have did not cover a two piece of bread sandwich.  If I was snacking leftovers, I weighed it, measured it somehow.  That is if I wasn't eating TFD.  I weighed TDF food because I thought that they were giving me smaller portion size then I should have been getting, and yes sometimes they did, but most of the time it was the correct portion.  Four oz of steak isn't really that much.  Two bites, okay cut it up you can get a few more bites, but really you have to cut it up pretty small.

So until you are really good at understanding portions you want to weigh when at home.  Also in a restaurant you can actually ask them for the amount of meat you want.  I don't want to take food home with me and if I can have the correct portion to begin with I don't have to cut it in half or only eat half of it.  Though honestly I did do that quite a bit.  But I also learned that the best meal to order in a restaurant was salmon.

But they also were saying that you should expect to gain some weight coming off the product.  J never gained weight, I never gained weight, others in our group didn't gain weight, you shouldn't expect to gain weight.  Dang I should be leading the group.  Follow the plan, know what you want to do and do it.

Day 643 - Today

So I am pretty much done with the diet.  I don't know if you count what the doctors scale is or your home scale when you wake up, but at this point I guess it doesn't matter so much.  Lets just say I am within ten pounds of my goal, and if I make it through transition without any major hiccups then I will have made goal.

So the question is do I want to lose an extra ten pounds?  How much is my range?  Before it was - actually I don't remember.  But last week I ate 960 calories and only lost .8 of a pound.  Does that mean if I ate 1200 calories I would gain?  I don't know.  This worries me because of course I want to eat more then 1200 calories.  I want to eat like 2000 calories.  But if my metabolism is low does that mean I will have to eat like this for the rest of my life?  Oh that would be so tragic.  I am not ready to give it all up.  Dang.

But the end is coming, and this diet blog is really coming to an end.  Because TH wants me to keep going the nature of the blog will change a slightly.  The next stage of the blog and my life is maintenance.  The struggle to keep the weight off and live a life not totally consumed or consuming food.

Day 640 - A day at the Fair

So I promised little T that I would do rides with her this year - assuming I had lost the weight.  So for the first time in over 30 years I did go for rides and I have to say it was very uncomfortable.  I am not sure what is so exciting about being thrown around in a cage.  By the time the rides were over I could barely walk.

I found that it was easiest to just keep my eyes closed, but I was not a silent rider.  I used to be, but I spent the entire rides saying oh shit ouch oh shit.  Finally baby T told me to stop saying shit.  Oh well, it hurt.

So maybe I fit in the rides, but they definitely are made for people smaller then me.  I felt large and overflowing, and I thought that I always wanted to go to Disney land, but now I am not so sure.  Rides are definitely for the young.  I had Disney land on my bucket list but it just came off.

It was nice to have people ask if I was going on the rides.  Before they would take one look at me and pray I didn't get in line because I wouldn't fit.  Now the would try and cajole me on.  But really folks it isn't fun.

Day 641 - Food food everywhere food

I am getting pretty good about sitting at restuarants and watching other people eat.  And when we go grocery shopping I am good about getting everything I would love to eat, but can't.

But at this point in time I am so craving chips.  I bought like seven different bags of chips, all of which I would love to devour.  T2 said it was probably best that I wasn't eating while baby T is here, and I am thinking that she is probably right.

It seems to be getting worse everyday.  I am so tired of not eating that I sometimes just think that I will cave and go crazy.  Have a binge to end all binges.  Why or why am I doing this.

Then I realize that as much as I would want to eat, it is just that.  I want to eat.  I don't need to eat, I am not even sure if I did eat that I would enjoy it.  If I take a step back and think about eating those chips and what I would ultimately feel like afterwards I am sure that the idea of eating them is more enticing then the actual eating.  I also am not sure that one or two would stave off the craving.  Only a bag, maybe two would do that for me.  No it is good that I am not eating.

Day 632-639 - How can you disrespect me I am not fat.

So for all these years I have blamed not getting jobs, and people disrespecting me on my weight.  So when it happened last week I was like is this for real?  I am an intelligent professional and you are talking to me like I am some kind of moron.  And I know you are not doing it because you think I am fat and stupid.  So what am I to blame this on?

For twenty years I have blamed not getting a job, or people arguing with me on something to be attributed to my weight.  Or people don't want to talk to me because I am fat and ugly.  Well at my age ugly doesn't matter, so when people still don't talk with me I have to reevaluate the reason for this.

I hate confrontation, and I hated confrontation when I was heavy more then anything.  I was always waiting for some rude SOB to say "and furthermore your a fat pig."  Cut me to the quick.  Hurt my feelings.  I didn't want to ever go there because I never wanted to put myself in that position that that would be said to me.

So when I found myself arguing with some jerk, I started to go down a different path, one that I was wrong and he was right.  I started to doubt my knowledge and ability and I felt well less.  It was eye opening that I felt this way and I wasn't attributing it to my weight.  I did not like feeling less, and I really didn't like feeling less without having something "inconsequential" so to speak to fall back on.

So I am insecure, but I don't want to think of myself as having some defect in my intellect or personality, I would rather have the defect caused because I was too fat, and if only I could lose the weight then I wouldn't have that defect anymore.  Guess what - the weight had nothing to do with it.

Without that weight to accuse for my many downfalls, I find myself having to look myself in the eye and say it is you.  I can't say that my only flaw is that I am overweight.  I  guess I am flawed but this is just to much to process.  I am just beginning to understand the weight thing, now I have to look at something else.  ACK.      

Day 631 - Day 639 interlude

I have been entertaining little T and I have not been blogging, but it is pretty much the same ole same ole.  I watch people eat, I buy all the food I want to eat and shove it down little T's throat, vicarious pleasure and all.

But I made it through dinners out, picnics, BBQ's and more dinners out.  I have watched people eat indian, Thai, Italian, and wonderful yummy steaks.  But the hardest I would have to say was the chips.  I so wanted to just grab the bag of chips and eat them all in one sitting.

Other items I haven't exercised (well we did go for two bike rides and a couple of walks) but I haven't swum since June.  I tried to swim today but it just wasn't going to happen.  But oh well.

I also found out today that because we missed the fourth of July they are not counting that week as a week so we are actually doing an extra week of product.  I know I know just another way to milk an extra $100 bucks out of us.

I don't know if I can do that extra week.  I really thought that we were going to start the 18th.  BLAH.

Day 630 - Emotions

This struggle with my weight has been going on for more then half my life.  As I get closer to the weight I want to be I remember back in high school when I weighed this amount and everyone called me fat.  Fat/big what have you.  I only got to get new store bought clothes once growing up and I remember  the clerk saying I was a big girl.  I always thought that is why my mom never bought me new clothes, because I was too big.  It is amazing how a single throw away comment can hurt a young child.

I was a big girl.  I swam.  My legs were big, my thighs were big, my hips were big.  But I wasn't fat.  I know that, I see that in the pictures, but I thought I was and that was enough.  But did poor body image make me fat?  No of course not.  But it did lend to my having a ridiculous idea of how much I should weigh and what I should be able to fit into.  My ideal goal was to weigh 120 pounds.  I thought that was what I should weigh, and what everyone thought I should weigh.  The fact that I was in size 14 at the age of 14 was embarrassing,  but not as embarrassing then what I was at two years ago.  

I am, as I have said before, tired of the weight game.  I am tired of waiting for the scale to go down, I am tired of the whole shebang.  It is exhausting to have so much of your self worth wrapped up in your weight.  And all my energy is gone.  I have no more energy.  I don't have energy to move or swim or hike or ride.  The low calorie diet has taken it all from me.  I am tired in more ways then one.  I am not doing this again.  Ever.  I am done - forever.  I am never ever going to go on an extended liquid diet no matter what.  Done.  Finis.  Over.

Day 629 - Last Goal

Finally I made it.  I am on my last goal,  I have no more mini goals, this is it.  It is official I am now in the 49% of weight for my age group.  I am indeed average now.  Unbelievable!!!  So 15 more pounds and I will have met my goal.  The weight that I would be happy to maintain, to strive to be at, to be content.  No longer do I want to weigh 125 or 135 or even 145.  I am content with the weight I chose, now I just hope that I can finish the last 15 pounds.  Three more weeks on product and transition.  I hope I make it.  I really do.

So I wasn't expecting to get weighed in today, so I wasn't wearing my weigh in clothes.  Maybe they are a bit lighter then my regular clothes I don't know, but now that I have done it it is done, so I guess I don't have to keep wearing those weigh in clothes, but...

I also didn't have time to dehydrate myself before weigh in.  I really wasn't expecting to get weighed in.  Just grab my food and go.  But I am glad that I did because I am now truly on the final stage.

Day 628 - I used to be "fluffy"

Baby T was looking at my Telluride photo and said OMG you used to be really fluffy.  - Fluffy?  I guess that is new tween talk for big.  She had used it a couple of times he has fluffy hair, he is fluffy, but I didn't quite know what she meant.

Fluffy does sound better then fat or obese or morbidly obese, fluffy, yes it is a softer gentler term for big.  I could live with some one calling me fluffy.  And so you learn how words can hurt.  When I first heard someone tell me I was morbidly obese I felt like crawling inside and never coming back out, but fluffy, fluffy I could take.  Does that mean that the younger generation is gentler and???

So Fluffy I am fluffy I will be.  Long live fluffy.

Day 627 - Seeing if I can blog on my ipad

I have this keyboard that I bought for my Ipad so I am checking it out to see if I will be able to blog during my trip to india. I haven't quite got the hang of writing without the keyboard, so this might be the best solution. Heavier then just ipad, but it seems to be working, so I don't think I will need to bring a computer - Yay~~~

I thought that this was going to be very hard and I was right. Baby T likes to eat everything I like, and so many times I just want to grab the chips or the steak right out of her hand. I have those moments where I say

I am not losing anything so why stick to it, but then I think just three more weeks and I can actually chew something. Three more weeks and I will have done the product twice. Twice without cheating. Twice. Wow

I wasn't really sure that I would be able to do it two times, but it looks like I might make it. The other day I was so hungry that I drank an extra product thinking what the hell what would it hurt to have an extra product. I had almost talked myself into it, then at the end of the day I just couldn't go through with it, so I ended up not having my soup. So tomorrow is week 15, 91 days on product, we are closing in.

Day 626- Paddle boats anyone

Dang I really am out of shape.  We went on a paddle boat and it completely and utterly exhausted me.  Baby   T wanted to do a row boat, but I put my finger down on that.

I still haven't lost any weight in fact I am up a pound and I am getting more and more frustrated.  I see the doctor next week, but that isn't going to do any good since we are soon going to be going off product.  I now have 19 pounds to lose.  Frustrating.  Very.

And not being able to do the paddle boat was even more frustrating.  Oh well on to something else.

Day 625 - Bridge to Bridge Cruise

Woke up today and did not gain any more weight - at least it stopped going up.  And I got to cross off another day.  With Baby T here I am trying to keep her fed and happy, but a morning gal she is not.  In fact she is very difficult in the morning, she doesn't become charming until well after three pm and by that time I am exhausted.

But we went on a bay cruise and it was so foggy we couldn't even see the Golden Gate Bridge until we were actually under it.  And I decided to stand outside and froze my tushy off and then I couldn't get warm for the rest of the day.  Sunday is swimming day, but I might be able to swim because I don't know what we are doing.

I do also have to say that the cruise was a little anticlimactic,  I was hoping it would have been a little different, but I am not sure what I expected.   But Baby T was getting hungry I could tell, but when I asked her if she was ready for lunch she said she wasn't hungry.  So I said okay.  She wanted a sweat shirt, a ring and a bracelet.  So we bought all of that for her, then she was like where are we going.  Taking a note out of her book I choose not to answer.  She was tired wanted to go home.  But dang if we got home she would be bored and asking what are we going to do.  So she whined and we got to where we were going and found the lines way to long, so I asked her why she was whining.  She was hungry and she wanted crab.

So we put food in her and miracle of miracles she stopped whining.  That girl has a serious low blood sugar issue.

But I was right the minute we got home it was can we go to the beach.  We just spent the whole day on the waterfront and she wanted to go to the beach at six pm.  Of course I took her to the beach, but I was still very cold and it was a bit of a misery for me.

Well Sunday is a new day.

Day 624 - Insult to injury

I have been feeling really down with my weight loss and then the other night my dog decides that she would rather sleep with Baby T then with me.  In fact all she wants to do is hang out with baby T and not me.  I am depressed and sad now on both counts.  I can't believe my girl loves someone more then me.

But it does make my heart sing to see how happy she is when she is with Baby T.  I only wish I could make her as happy.

Another day with more of a weight gain.  I am getting a little worried now.  I can understand a plateau, but why would I be gaining weight.  This is not normal.  Maybe I have some illness that makes you gain weight?  I just don't know.

Day 623 - Weight gain?

So I have had a weight gain the last couple of days.  I am following the program but I seem to be a a real plateau.  I can't get off this one.  I am afraid that I will not lose weight and I can only eat 970 calories to maintain my weight.  Now that would really suck.

I used to poo-poo people who said that they didn't lose any weight.  How can not lose weight and be on this program?  That is impossible.  I am feeling really down.  I go to restaurants and watch people eat, I sit at home and watch people eat, everywhere I go I see people eating, but I can't eat, and yet I am not losing weight.  I am very very discouraged.  I have 17.7 pounds to lose and I went up two pounds this morning.  It is like my body doesn't want me to get any lower, but I actually have 18.7 pound to lose if I don't want to be overweight anymore.  What is a girl to do.

It is calories in calories out - right?  I usually am at a calorie deficit, so what is up with this?  970 calories in 1200 calories out I should be losing 4-6 pounds  a week.  I am so sad.  

Day 622 - I have enough clothes to wear something new every day

However, none of them fit anymore.  I have already thrown away hundreds of clothes, but I am hesitant to throw the rest away.  I am not sure why.  I know I can always buy new clothes and I just bought the clothes because I had to have clothes, but I never felt any looked good so...

But I have some that still have the price tag on.  I just never got around to wearing it. And now I think well...maybe later.  I hope not but...but...but...