Day 537 - What a bunch of A** H****

Really am I really planning on spending the next 30 weeks with these people.   I thought we had some marginal people in our group, but these people take the cake, and I don't even know them yet.

The program is dragging the bottom of the barrel to fill these classes, some of these people aren't  - or don't - look overweight.  One guy informed us he isn't obese, but blah blah blah...if I was in this group the first time around I would have gone out screaming literally.

Really don't get me started.  From Ms VA to Mr Agriculture we have the gambit of federal employees, with all that entails.

Brother make the next 30 weeks go really fast.  I would take almond roca or KFC any day.

Day 536 - Where will you be in a year?

So I have this horrible worry that if I finally do finish trying to lose weight, I will gain it all back in a year.  The memory of all that was bad is slowly fading ( for the better or worse) and I am left with the only real reminder of lose skin.

Dr. C was telling me that it is all in the mind of the individual.  She said that studies show that after you lose the weight most people start gaining it back immediately.  And for those who do gastric bypass this also is true.  That doesn't mean it will happen to you, she told me, but really, stop telling me I will gain it back or you hope I won't gain it back.  It just doesn't help.  In group we talked about those people who said don't get rid of your old clothes because you will be needing them soon, this is the same thing.  I really know that I am not going to ever stop watching what I eat just because I lose the weight.  I know that it will be a constant battle everyday of my life. I know that there will be times when I will just completely lose it and binge, but for now in the here and now let me just focus on losing it first.  Let me finish this battle before telling me I am losing the war.  That I am fighting something with an inevitable ending that will not be in my favor.

Hopefully when I finish this round, I can spend the next 52 weeks working on keeping the weight off.  I plan on doing the whole program, start to finish, and I hope after three years I will have enough of a foundation to succeed, but for now it is just one day at a time.

Day 535 - Please don't talk in class

So I was asked nicely to keep my mouth shut during group.  I have been through the group and I know what the questions and answers are, so please let others think and answer.  Also if you can please don't tell them this is your second time through.

Dr. C doesn't know me very well.  Sometimes people get license to do what they want to do in the first place, she just gave me license to not have to talk in group.  How do you make me smile?  Tell me I don't have to talk!!!  Yay me!!

But other than that there were other things I had forgotten about, like no advil.  No advil.  No advil.  Now how am I going to survive with no advil?  Dang.  No caffeine, no advil, no aspirin,  someone is going to be in pain.  She did say I could ask the doctor for Vicodin.  No I don't think so.  It isn't something I can take everyday like I can Advil.  But she did suggest ice packs.  What is this with everyone suggesting ice packs?  Even when I needed them I didn't use them.  Even when my knee was killing me I didn't use it.  I hate the cold on my skin and putting an ice pack on my aching muscles may help the muscles, but what about freezing me out?

I can't believe no Advil.

Day 534 - Mellow T

Well we went for a walk yesterday, and I have to say that I was remarkably surprised how mellow my big girl was.  She came across a number of dogs and didn't lunge, bark, growl or any of that bad stuff.  Either Baby T has mellowed her, or she didn't see them.  I am hoping for the first.

But it was almost a nice day, so the walk was pleasant, and I was listening to BOT, so all was good.  Tomorrow for sure - I will try swimming.

Day 533 - I meant to...

I had big plans for the day.  I meant to plan this week out, I meant to plan my exercise out I meant to exercise I meant to clean my office, but all I did was surf the net looking for better ways to plan my day.

I also watched videos on swimming.  Read swimming articles, and joined an on-line swimming group.  I read all these workouts that have you doing 100's on the minute 30, and I think to myself - what a wonderful life - nope that just came out. so I think to myself it just isn't going to happen for me.  I am never going to be in the 1:15 range - ever again.  So I probably will never be doing intervals on the 1:30.

Did I say yesterday during swimming I thought I was swimming in a 25 meter pool.  It must have been because my stroke count was off, and my times were off.  It wasn't my fault - it was the pools.

Day 510-522 Let me entertain you

Yesterday T1 made a comment that reverberated through me.  A truth I hadn't understood until she put it into words.

People say that they eat out of boredom, but that isn't quite right.  Not really.  People eat because food entertains them.  It isn't the merely act of sitting down with people and eating, it is the actual food that is the entertainment.   If you think about it is an almost all encompassing sensory show.  It is the visual, aromatic, touch and taste.  I love looking at cook books, I love looking at pictures in cook books.  Especially when I am on a diet I love looking at cook books.  I love the smell of food.  Walking down the street and smelling the local restaurants, it just makes your mouth water.  Or walking by a bakery?  They have scented candles that smell like different foods, people love the smell of food.  And I love everything cold.  I love ice cubes, ice cream, I like the sensation of the cold in my mouth. And of course taste. Who doesn't like the taste of your favorite food.

So if you are bored what better way to entertain yourself.  TV doesn't even come close to the entertainment that food gives you.  And then if you add the social aspect of food - it just doesn't get any better then that.

But as T1 said, do you really want to waste that entertainment on mediocrity or on something that is not appealing?  That is another reason why dieting is so hard.  You take the entertainment out of food and it just becomes fuel.  So you wait until your done dieting so you can have your entertainment back.  But hopeful in quiet of the diet you can find other things to entertain you that you can carry forward when you are done dieting.  Exercise?

Day 532 - Queen of the Pool

Hey finally I was queen of the pool yesterday.  Yes that is right I was faster then all those 80 and 90 year old men.  Whoo hoo!!!!But the workout wasn't as fast as I would have liked.  Oh well, can't have everything.

But afterwards I went to the grocery store (starving) and decided to get a farewell to food package.  In our very first meeting K had said that she had a farewell to food party, and I knew then and there she was one of us.   Though she didn't have that much to lose, and she constantly went off product, she knew the love of food.  So walking up and down those aisles I kept looking to see what I absolutely had to have before I was on all product again.

Chips.  I got chips.  Not candy, not cookies, not cake, not ice cream, but chips.  So what does that say about me now?  I thought for a while it might be that I was changing my food likes and dislikes, but then I thought you just swam 2.5 miles your dehydrated and you want the salt.  Yes I was really dehydrated, my leg wouldn't stop cramping and toes were in the permanent curled cramp position, so I had an inkling I was understanding my food craving.

But seriously, I have allowed myself to enjoy whatever I want this week, and I am finding that I am actually craving different foods then I did the first time.  The first time I wanted sweets - ice cream - cake - cookies - anything sweet.  Now I  have been craving mainly carbs - rice, bread, naan, chips, but I haven't been craving sweets or meat.  And the thought of having a McDonald's burger is actually very unappealing.  I love my burger that I get from TFD, but not enough to make it as one of my goodbye meals.

Wednesday it starts anew.    

Day 509-522 Clothes

Okay so I haven't been buying "normal" size clothes for a very long time, but I am a little put off by my latest purchase.  I bought two spring jackets from the same designer/brand of clothing - the exact same size, and when I got them one was too tight and one was too big.  Now I could understand if they were different brands different designers made in different countries, but no, and for size charting they said true to size?  Hmm...

Well I am not going to lose a lot of sleep over it, but really the clothes should be uniformed.  Plus sizes are uniformed, if you know your size, then you can buy all your clothes over the internet and you will know they will all fit.  None of this runs small, runs large, vanity sizing.  I mean really who are you kidding.  You normally wear a size 10 and the dress you bought is a size 6, do you really think your a size six?  How many people come up to ask you what size your wearing.  Hey, great outfit what size are you?  Or what you wear the size label hanging out so everyone can see the size?  Oh this is my size six dress so I will just kind of pull my hair up and then pull the label out just enough that they think I didn't tuck it in, and everyone can see how small I am.

Ah yes vanity sizing.

Day 531 - Oh dear you need to see your doctor

So I went for blood work and EKG, and first don't go to the lab on a Friday at 9:00, second, lie to the EKG technician.

I have for the past year - well maybe longer than that - that I can't get my heart rate up.  I will do an hour and a half on the elliptical and the highest that my heart rate will go is 85.  It is with the medication and the thyroid I can't ever seem to be able to get it over 100, and that is going all out, and I can only go all out for a very short period of time.

So when I got the EKG the technician looked at it and said that your heart rate is a little slower with the EKG, but yours is 43, do you have any symptoms?  Umm - what are the symptoms?  Well dizzy, tired, lightheaded.  No.  Do you exercise?  Yes I swim.  Well that must be it.  Have you ever had an EKG done before?  Yes.  Oh let me go check it.

Oh no you need to go to your doctor, it is much lower then your previous EKG's.  Here I am giving this to you and I want you to take it your primary care physician right now.

Oh my god I am going to die.  I have that genetic marker for heart attacks, and I am about to have a heart attack.  Oh I am feeling really dizzy, and I suddenly feel like I can't even walk to the elevator.  I am soo tired.  What am I going to do?

TH is sitting there listening to me go on and on about my early demise, and all he could say was get off the ledge.  So supportive.

I am still feeling a little lightheaded, and I am thinking I will go take a little nap.  

Day 530 - I took an oath of privacy

When we started the program we promised we wouldn't divulge what went on in the meetings.  So what do I do post it for all the world to see.  I have tried to keep the privacy of the people especially if they stumbled upon it, but I am sure they know who they are.

You can't write about something without adding the human elements to it.  Would group be so interesting (which many times it wasn't) if we went around in kumbala land?  Everything is fine everyone is doing the same thing and everyone thinks the same way.  How boring would that be?

I know that I got jealous a few times at some of the peoples success as I sat there plugging away waiting for someone to notice that I had lost weight.  Even after I had lost 60 pounds people still didn't notice my weight loss.  It was tragic and frustrating.  And then you had people who lost 20/30 pounds and they were saying that people were fawning all over them.  Were they exaggerating?  I don't know.  I was to caught up in my own thoughts to really notice if they looked like they lost a lot of weight.

Now I am at their starting point, if I lost 20/30 pounds were people be noticing me now?  I guess we will find out.

Next stop the twilight zone.

Day 529 - I found out I was actually on week 79

I started these posts late I guess, but I am actually on week 79.  I can't believe it has been over a year and a half. So we are finally coming to an end of the posts.  I know TH wants them to go on, but I am really pretty much out of things to say.

One thing I have noticed in the weight management class is people are still losing the weight because they want to look "good".  And when you lose the weight you think your social life will suddenly change and you will be "popular" and people will be chasing you down.

If anyone takes anything away from this - its that you are not going to become a beauty queen or king just because you lose the weight.  You are who you are.  And people will pay more attention to you thinner, but you looks will not drastically change.  (Okay if you had to lose as much as I did yes maybe your face will drastically change, but most people maintain their basic appearance with or without weight loss).

So if your single and you want a boyfriend, don't expect to get one just because you lost weight.  People who take the time to get to know you and like you will like you in whatever shape you come in.  Of course that depends on how overweight you are.  If you are morbidly obese then people are not really going to take the time to get to know you.

Blah...

Day 528 - My you have been working hard

I swam this morning and having had three days rest I was stronger then I am when I don't have any days rest.  So I got in and started swimming.  The guy who is a regular was there and swimming his usual mile, and in the past he lapped me, so I had thought that he was going about 1:30, but I found he is not that fast.   I just was that slow.  Before I started I timed his 50 and actually was doing more like 50/55, so I thought I would let him pace me.  I soon found out that I was faster, and then he stopped.  Annoying when your pacer quits on you.  But he didn't fool me.  He let me get a head and took off, so I just made sure I passed him at the same place every time.  Ha!!!

The the girl with the flippers got in.  She was way faster then me when I started out.  I think I talked about her before, and so I  paced myself with her.  But she couldn't keep up, so she stopped and let me get a head too.  (I am sure they were stopping because the had finished up there set - but can anyone say ego?)

However, when she finished up she said you have been working really hard haven't you.  Yes/no/maybe.  It is LZ's coaching, your stroke is looking really strong.  Yes it is LZ's coaching.  Maybe I can drum up some business for LZ.  See start off really slow work with LZ and you might become queen (or king) of the community pool.

It is kind of like losing a lot of weight.  No one pays any attention to you when you are slower then molasses but the minute you start showing some skill then everybody wants to be your friend.

Day 527 - Work is getting in my way of losing weight

So Everyone has an excuse, and of course the most common is work.  I can't go exercise because I haven't to finish up this project up I am doing, and once I get the project done I will be free and able to do anything I want, Oh yea until the next project or the next day whichever comes first.

So it is the same thing as tomorrowitis.  Work will always take precedent of course until I die, then I will have all the time in the world to exercise to my little hearts content - oh yea I will be dead - no that won't work.

Exercise is such a big part of the weight loss and keeping it off, the truth is you can't wait until you finish your work.  You have to make it part of your work day, and treat the same way you treat work.  Go and do it everyday, but of course you can have a day or two off, and if your sick take it off.   If I did it like that well I would be an exercise queen.  I would be strong and swimming 20 minute miles.  I am think about swimming a 20 minute mile, people think they are doing pretty good if they walk a 20 minute mile.  Of course I am closer to a 30 minute mile then a twenty minute mile, but hey whats ten minutes?

Oops got side tracked.  So When I started swimming I was swimming 4/5 days a week and I was also doing the elliptical and walking with J.  Then I started swimming 3/4 days a week, stopped doing the elliptical, but kept walking with J.  Now I am swimming 2/3 days a week and not walking with J and not doing the elliptical.  I think I am going to start again - tomorrow.

Day 526 - Bagels, lox and cream cheese

Well I did eat bagel lox and cream cheese and I didn't share with pooches, but I ate no dessert, and really that is all I ate (bagel lox and cream cheese) or yea and latte.

But no exercise.  I really need to exercise on the weekend.  There are weekend warriors and non weekend warriors, I am a non weekend warrior.  I sit around all weekend - resting my aching muscles.  Then I swim - but not everyday, I have to take Tuesdays off to rest my aching muscles.

I was thinking of working up an exercise plan, but I never seem able to keep to it.  Mostly I find it just to tiring.  Or boring.  One or the other.

With swimming I have this goal to go faster, but there will come a time when I am going as fast as I ever will, then what?  What happens when you know you are not going to get any faster?  What motivates you to get in and swim anyway?  That was the problem when I was swimming before.  I thought I had hit the best that I could ever be with the training and motivation I had so I quit.  Will that happen again at 54?

Dieting is just the opposite.  You get where you want to get and you get to quit "dieting".  The problem is people think (including me) that that gives you license to eat.  Just because you are not trying to lose weight doesn't mean your cured.  I still have that road ahead of me.

It is that road that is the hardest, you have to find that fine line between calories in and calories out and maintain it.  There have been people who have been doing it all their lives, and they are good at it.  It is second nature.  It is not second nature to me.   I am not good at it.  I can barely maintain right now while I am still trying to lose weight - what am I going to do when I am trying to maintain.  That is a dilemma I hope to face within the next six months, but for now I most go back to trying to take off the weight.   Not tomorrow.  Today.

Day 525 - I was drowned

I have spoken before about this guy who swims at the pool.  He is like the energizer bunny, he goes all out all the time, problem is he is a horrible swimmer, and when he gets in the pool people groan.  His splash sends up tiny tidal waves that sucks you in and leaves you sputterring.  And that is when you are at the extreme end of the pool from him.  You definitely don't want to be in the lane next to him AND you really don't want to share a lane with him.

Yesterday I ended up having to share a lane with him and ended cutting my session short.  I saw him get in the lane next to me, and I was saying at least he isn't sharing my lane, and when I hit the wall I heard the guy say sorry man.  I am assuming he asked if he could share a lane and the guy said no?  Now everyone would want to say no to him, but really...no?  He didn't ask me if he could share a lane he just got in and drowned me.

He is one of those competitive guys, but I think he wants to train with someone, I have seen him pacing himself with other people, but I can't swim in the same lane with him and pace him.  And he wouldn't/won't let me be a head , so it just wouldn't work.  (If he let me swim a head of him I would not drown in his splash.)  When I tried to speed up and get a body length on him he speeded up as well and - well you know - more splash.  Think drowning man splash.  Horrible.

Maybe I can pay for a lesson from LZ for him, for my own self defense.

Day 508 - 522 Stand up

So there is nothing more humiliating then to have someone say stand up and let us look at you.  I don't want to stand up.  I don't want people to look at me and ooh and aww my great weight loss.  Enough. 

I am pretty matter of fact about the weight loss.  I generally am open and I can laugh at some aspects of it.  But mostly I just want to talk about it on my terms.  I don't want people to draw attention to it unless I want them to.  I don't want people to tell me to stand up and turn around.  I  mean mainly because I know that I have all this saggy skin and it bothers me and until I have my body lift I am still  well I still want to hide behind big clothes.

I have had friends who have lost lots of weight and they have to deal with the lose skin problem.  For me it just is so unappealing, almost to the point that I want to just put the weight back on so I don't have to deal with it.

Just kidding.  But it is frustrating.

Day 524 - April 24, 2012 that is 82 weeks

So somewhere along the way the days got off.  They actual count the first week (no product) so I really started this blog 7 days after the start.  It actually is 16 weeks on product and 13 weeks transition and one week to mentally prepare.  So where the other four days went I just don't know.  But I do know that I have 39 days left.

It hasn't been a good week this week either.  I didn't exercise when visitors came and I went out to dinner, I got on the scale and it keeps creeping up - I didn't even do a spot weight on Tuesday because it was creeping too much.

I don't know if I can lose everything I gained this week, but for the most part I am back.  I do have tomorrow where I am suppose to eat bagels and cream cheese.  Do you think anyone will notice if I don't?

Actually it will be pretty easy to hand off the bagel to some four legged critter, and they are so circumspect nobody would know - really.  They don't chomp and whimper andwhine and growl and run around with food.  No they just open mouth and swallow, kind of like a boa.  However, baby N does all the above.  I have never seen a dog make so much noise over food.  And she is an only child - what is up with that?

I think everyone should go on this diet just so that they can learn to appreciate food - all of it.

Day 507 - 521 Almond Roca anyone?

So at group the other day, Miss Almond Roca showed up.  I got a bit creeped out how she kept looking at me, and she kept trying to talk to me during the group and a -  I couldn't hear her and b - she was just being rude talking while other people talked.

But she was like wow you have lost a lot of weight since I last seen you.  How did you do it?  Are you still on product, blah blah blah.  Then she proceeded to tell the group that she had only gained 4 pounds since she went off product.

What she thinks -  we are blind?  I think not.

But she is just chock full of contradictions.  First she says how she just hates for instance - candy - then she confesses to eating it in the next breath.  If you hate it and it is caloric why force yourself to eat it?

But she loves herself and that is all that matters - right?  It is like my telling the group I had lost 10 more pounds than I had.  So easy for the facilitator to check - so who am I really trying to impress?  Oh yea everyone else.  And I know the facilitator is not going to contradict me so who cares.

Who cares if shes gained or lost weight in the ensuing year.  The important thing is to stay healthy.  And she says she is walking so it is all good.

Day 523 - Do I want to be on a diet forever?

So something rang true at our last group meeting.  One of the participants stated she was tired of being on a diet.  That she didn't want to be on a diet forever.

It is a truth that is still reverberating.  I have been dieting or pretty close to dieting for the 523 days.  As I stated in prior posts, it isn't something you can just turn off.  I think I will quit eating for the next couple of years and see how that goes.

No it is constantly on / with you.  You think about it everyday, you worry about whether or not you ate "too" much, what the scale is going to say through the night, and not understanding the normal fluctuations of your body can lead to panic and despair.

There has to be a time when you say that is it - I am done.  On to the next adventure.  But can you say that before you are done.  It isn't like reading a book that is horrible and you just can't finish it.  If you quit before you reach you desired goal, does that mean you failed?

I don't want to be dieting for the next year - just to take off the last bit of weight, but I don't want to quit at this weight either.  This weight just isn't right yet.  Though I feel comfortable (more so then before) I feel in some ways it still is holding me back.  I want to walk into a department store and not go to the plus size.  I want to be able to walk into a clothing store and know that I can buy off the rack  - that they will have my size.  I will fit.

I want to not panic when someone takes my picture, because I know I will look bigger in it then I think of myself right now.

But mostly I want to finish what I started.  I had a goal weight in mind, and that is where I want to be.  I just wish I had gotten there already.

Day 506-520 - Part III

Back to Tuesday -

E had shown up to class and as usually she didn't open her mouth once.  But you want to see a star at weight loss you have to look at her.  She lost all the weight, she is at goal weight and she has maintained it without gaining a single pound.  In fact she works out so much she actually has to work at not losing more weight.  Now that is where I want to be.

So the bottom line again is people just want to know the results not really the process.  And they really don't want to know if it was hard.  Please tell me you lost lots and lots of weight and you didn't have to work at it.

But it is universal.

Day 505-520 Part II

Back to being bamboozled.

So we actually had a fairly large group show up (6) because they thought that Dr. C was going to talk, but she cancelled, and in her place we were going to do the talking.  Luckily there was a person who came that actually wanted to do all the talking, so she just led the discussion.

However, I didn't agree with her in all aspects of her insight.  For one she said everyone cheats and if they say the don't then they are lying.  So what is cheating?    If you are trying to maintain, then you can't cheat, maybe you over indulge, but not cheating.  During this 520 day process, I have had really one "bad" week.  But that doesn't mean that I haven't eaten foods high in calories.  I have had an ounce of M&M's (yes I weighed it) I have ordered dessert at restaurants (every time) I eat popcorn whenever I go to the movies, if french fries are on my plate I may have one or two.  I never considered that cheating.  I have always kept it portioned controlled and never over 1600 calories.  So what happened the week I basically gained 7 pounds - It wasn't sweets it was meat.  Lots and lots of meat.  I had steak almost everyday and bread because we went out.  I indulged in steak, prime rib, steak - you name it.  And really the most caloric food out there is really red meat.

I meant to eat only a third (or quarter) but I kept eating, and the next day I went back for more.  Me hunter.

Okay okay I have confessed I ate over 2000 calories worth of red meat in a day, and I am surprised I gained so much weight?

Anyway, I haven't lied, but up to that week I hadn't really ever "cheated" so to speak, so when they forced me to talk, I said that I hadn't been "bad" until last week, and then I got scolded.

You shouldn't think your bad just because you went off the diet.  You are too hard on yourself.  Why did you think you are "bad"?  I felt like saying come on folks it is just semantics.  I don't think I am a bad person.  I don't think I have been naughty, I just wasn't careful.  I let my hedonistic nature take over, that is all.  I know I love sweets, so I am really careful around sweets, but not so much around other food.  It just bit me in the butt is all.

So everyone started asking questions, and they all landed on me.  As if they knew that I had lost the most in the group.  Kudos and praise from people I didn't know.  Same questions over and over again - do I exercise, blah blah blah blah.

Finally one woman leaned over a whispered how much have you lost?  That is all anyone really wants to know.

I looked at the other five people in the room and kept wondering why they were asking me this?  I add ten pounds (you know to make for the amount I gained and what I should have been at that week if I hadn't over indulged.)    Oh just give them a thrill - :))

Off to the airport I guess I am going to have to break this up into three posts.

Day 504- 519 - So I got a bit behind

I decided to just write one big post rather then a bunch of small post, but of course I can cut and paste if you all want a day by day blow.

First off the confession.  I lost 6.5 pounds in a weeks time and I put it back on two weeks.  Which leads to the first part of this blog.  It was a bit of a learning experience or should I say eye opener to see that after a year and a half old habits are just around the corner.  It is just one morning you wake up and you think I am close, I don't have to worry as much anymore and the next morning you wake up and say what did I just do.  Maybe it is a bit like being an alcoholic.  Is the hangover really worth the binge?  Truth - sometimes yes.

I was literally in spitting distance of being fat rather then obese at one point in this little journey.  If I was still on the product I would have hit that mark in two weeks.    If I was still on the product I would be at goal weight and would be done with this here project, but I am not on product, and I am not a perfect dieter anymore.  A little of this a little of that.

So TH said why don't you try one day on and one day off.  I have thought about that, but I know my mind and I might take that one day off as a license to steal - .  So I was only going to eat TFD and nothing else.  I did that for one day and I got the worse caffeine withdrawal headache that I made myself an espresso at 8:30 at night just to get rid of it.  So I decided if I swim or exercise first thing in the morning I will allow myself to have a latte in the morning.

That is indeed a motivator.  I woke this morning saying I am not going to swim.  I don't feel like it, I feel sluggish and tired, then I thought hmm no latte?  I went swimming.  So when I go to bed every night I weigh myself in my pjs and everytime I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I weigh myself.  I have been doing really well these past couple of weeks, and I am two pounds away from that six and a half pound loss/gain, but last night I actually gained a pound from when I went to bed and when I got up in the morning.  Maybe that is why I was so sluggish this morning in swimming.  Maybe it was the full moon - at least that is what I have been told by a very reliable source.

So anyway I was feeling so guilty about the weight gain I decided I had to go to the class, confess my sins and be absolved.  One of the things that is true with any problem you may have is that if you do something wrong you want to be forgiven.  You want other people to say that is okay, we understand, it is okay if you gain all the weight back don't worry we will still love you.

What I didn't expect was to be thrown in front of another group to have an open discussion about the process and how we felt about it all.

I know I know everyone wants to hear the success stories, everyone wants to hear how much you lost on the program, because if you can do it then they can too.  There is also another component for people who were as large as I was.  You see that people lose 40-50 and even 60 pounds, but what about those that have much more then that to lose.  I always wanted to hear about the person who lost over a hundred pounds.  The really obese person.  The story that will let me know I too can do it if they can.  That it is possible no matter where you start you can succeed.

I am actually going have to do this in two posts as I have to go pick TH up at BART.

And someone farted and it wasn't me.  If I don't leave this room now I am going to pass out.

Day 503 - Weigh in

Today is weigh and I really really don't want to go.  I weighed myself on my scale which is the same as the hospital scale, and I have gained three pounds.  So I am not ready to go and weigh in.  No not at all.  I know that it is something I have to do but I don't want to.  It is like when your a kid and you have been bad and you are going to be punished, so you go and hide and if you hide long enough the bad will go away.  Well that is how I feel.  I don't want to go weigh in.

Day 502 - Home and swimming

So after not swimming (well I did swim, but it didn't feel like real workouts) I carried my big self to the pool to swim.  Thinking that I would be fast because I did do some swimming I was very surprised that I was so very slow.  So that is all I have about swimming.

My girls (T&T) are learning to get along (they love me they really love me) and it has been fun watching the little white one grow up right before my eyes.  She already is 24 pounds and boy can she jump.  And on top of all that she is skinny.  Maybe we don't feed her enough?  Well that is TH's job.

So to top off the weekend I came home and had indian food.  I love Indian food and you can actually eat fairly low cal if you are careful.  But that is it.  No more.  I am done.

Tomorrow I weigh in.  Or not.

Day 501 - My stay in GV is making me...

Well I have definitely been eating well during my short stay in GV.  Steak, prime rib, pancakes, chicken and steak again.  Want to talk about losing it?  I went up with all the intentions of eating grub, but we went out and I couldn't pass up all that red meat. 

In this little weekend I have learned something - after 500 days you can go back again.  I guess what we are really trying to learn is will I let this destroy my work or will I put it behind me and start again.  I suppose if I was an alcholic I would have to give up my chips.  Bummer.

The worst part is that I didn't do any exercising.  So that just made the weekend worse.  I will let you know how I come out of this (if I do)  If you don't hear from me I never came back.

Day 500 - Wow 74 more days

I never thought I would get here.  500 hundred days.  500 hundred blogs. 500 pounds (just kidding) but this part is coming to an end, and I haven't been true to the plan as much as I have wanted to these last couple of months.  I got to a plateau and I kind of skidded to a stop.  Oh last week I did really well eating nothing, but I found that that is just to hard for me.  I just have to find a way to recommit myself to the last quarter of the game. 

The last time I dieted for a big weight loss I thought during the whole thing when I am old like 50 I won't care what I look like and I am going to eat anything I want.  This time I think maybe when I am old l my metabolism will be so high that I will be able to eat anything I want.  But now I know this isn't a temporary fix it is a permenant fix and I won't be able to eat anything I want.  I am hoping one day I won't care about eating anything I want that my life will be so full and busy that food will be an after thought.

One can dream.

Day 499 - Last swimming day for a while

I am swimming today, but I am going to GV and I am not sure whether or not I will swim there.  The pool will be on, but I don't know whether or not I will be.  I like to go to GV to get away and regroup, and I usually go for the month TH is a crazed man, but I don't think I want to be away from LZ that long, and I don't think I want to drive back every Tuesday and leave again on Wednesday.  So this year it is a nay.

But looking on line they do have a lap pool in GV that I could go to.  The swim against the current is very hard to adjust to especially since I am trying to improve.  Oh well...