Day 262 - Your so vain

So I went to the doctor today, and had them take a look at my eye that has this huge growth coming out, and they told me it was nothing and if it was removed that it would be cosmetic surgery.  Oh yea - while your at it can you get rid of the wrinkles on my neck?

So I started to do research on body contouring after major weight loss and decided that I was going to do it. I feel a little bit of a hypocrite since I absolutely refused to have gastric bypass surgery, but here I am willing to let them take my skin off.  I hope I won't ever need it again, but what happens if I gain the weight back?  So I go back and forth.  Do I bet against myself and keep the skin or bet that I will be able to maintain the weight loss until the day I die.  Because once it is gone it is gone.  Oh the drama going through my head, but I don't have to worry about it for a while yet, but it something to start worry about.  However; I was thinking of getting a neck lift in the mean time.

I have to been to heavy to notice the wrinkles in my neck, and now with the weight loss it is so very noticeable that I really don't think I can wait two years on this one.  So I decided that when I have my eye taken care of (August 19) I will talk to him about a neck lift as well.  

Your probably thought this song was about you.

Day 261 - What the heck

Well I did not gain weight in my wonderful wacky adventure to LV, but I didn't lose weight either.  This was the first time in 9 months that I did not lose even an .1 of a pound.

I did stay the course and we did a lot of walking, so I really don't know why I didn't lose weight.  Whatever it is is behind me.

However, when I was in Las Vegas I had a really hard time with the food.  I really wanted to eat something off the diet.  It was very odd, because I knew I wouldn't but I wanted to.  And I didn't know exactly what it was I wanted to eat.  When I would be looking at all the food, I didn't have a particular craving, just a general craving. I never figured it out, but I think I know why I didn't lose weight.

I think you can think yourself up a few pounds.  I was good, but I kept thinking I am going to gain weight this weekend no matter what I do.  I had a very negative attitude about it, and lo and behold I gained weight.

So from now on I am only going to be thinking "I am going to lose 10 pounds today" and we will see how that works.

Day 260 - Travel Finale

Who would of thought I would have so much to say about a two day trip.  But I had such a good time, and those two days seemed more like two hours.  I gambled my life savings away, B propositioned a hooker (unbeknownst to her) we saw two A+ shows and walked our butts off.

Since we were there on the weekend I kept looking for celebrities, but if they were there I didn't see them.  It was just like in the movies though there were long lines to get into the night clubs, bouncer checking ID's pretty girls going to different entrances, just like you see in the movies.  However, I didn't see anyone that looked over 40 going into the night club I was playing by, so maybe on the young and beautiful get in.

Which leaves me out on both counts - oh well.

But we both decided that we wanted to see more shows (I really want to see Elton John - she wants to see Celine Dion so we will have to go again.)

We decided to make it our birthday trip.  We are both Libra's probably why we traveled so well together.

Well on the the next adventure.

Day 259 - Travel Part 5

We landed and there were no other incidents (except they served the water in a stinky plastic cup, it tasted horrible.)

The minute I got off the plane I called and left a message for B to call me and let me know exactly what was going on.  It went to voice mail, and I started to panic (I know I panic a lot) because she shouldn't have been on the plane yet if she got the 11:20.  So I started to think that she didn't get the phone yet, J got stuck in some horrid traffic jam and now she wasn't going to get there until eight.  Then I saw the text.  She had gotten on the 10:30 flight.  I was like how the heck did she do that?  I didn't know, but I was happy she was only an hour behind.

So I only had enough time to lose a little bit of money before she arrived, and when she arrived it was like I was seeing my long lost sister or something.  I was just so happy she had made it.

Everything went smooth from there.  We got a limo to the hotel and we checked in with no problem.  As an aside we stayed at probably the most expensive hotel on the strip and we waited a good half hour to check in.   When we got there - there was only one person in front of us, and I had guessed that they had been there a while, but it still took over a half hour.  We took maybe ten minutes, but that seemed long to me as well.  I am used to - click click credit card your room is... thank you let us know if there is anything we can do for you.  Five minutes is about right.  So I don't know what took so long.  Maybe because we were in a snooty hotel (which I probably won't stay at again.)

Our room was very nice, and the view was great, I immediately changed out of my stinky travel clothes and we headed down for lunch.

Now came the problem.  What to eat while in this lively city.  There was food everywhere, and the only thing I knew I was not going to do was do the buffet.  Also, surprisingly a lot of the restaurants weren't open.  We finally found a restaurant and it had a 45 minute wait, which was okay we went and lost some money.

I decided I needed a treat so we ordered flat bread (delicious) and I got salmon.  I don't know if the salmon was 200 or 800 calories, but whatever it was it was delicious.  But I wasn't worried because I hadn't eaten anything so I had calories, and hey we were in Las Vegas.

After the delicious meal we decided to scope out the casino and go check out Caesars.  As I was walking through and I was totally amazed at how many women there had absolutely perfect bodies.  In fact, all the women at the hotel were perfect.  I started to think that such perfection was so abundant that I was in some futuristic sci-fi novel, where everybody was beautiful and nobody was ugly.  Gets you wondering what that world would really be like if that was the case.  Boring.    I have always thought beauty is asymmetrical, these girls were just to symmetrical.  To perfect.

We walked and played and lost money all along the way.  I have been going to casinos for years now, and I have never been a winner.  I did win once - I think the machine was broken-and I had been losing really bad, so I decided that I wasn't going to play for myself, but for someone else.  If I came out ahead, I would give all my winnings to that person.  So - I came out like $500 ahead so I gave my winnings away.  I have never won since.

It got time for our first show, and we had determined that I was not a Davy Crockett (I got us lost so many times that we ended up walking over four miles to get to hotel next door-because well I am an idiot when it comes to buildings, I can find almost anywhere when I am out on an open road or street, but once in that building I can get lost in a straight corridor,) so we decided to take a cab to the show.

It was Believe.  Believe it or not it was only mediocre, but we still had Donnie & Marie tomorrow which was the whole reason we went to Vegas, so we had the best  to come.

Day 258 - Travel part 4

Well I got on the plane and had to crawl over my seat mate, and I was thinking geez this is going to be really embarrassing if the seat belt doesn't fit.  I usually get on the plane before anyone else so I can  discreetly pull out my extender, or before so I could struggle with the belt before people saw me struggling.  So now it was just a matter of whether or not it would fit.

So I pulled the belt as far out as it would go and crossed my eyes and went to buckle my belt... it didn't fit.  We were on one of those small commuter planes, and the seats were a little snug, and the belt just didn't fit.  I started to panic, but trying to be cool about it I wiggled my butt as far back in the seat as I could get and yanked on the belt has hard as I could, and it gave.  I guess it was caught up in something and I found that it fit just fine.  I actually needed to tighten it, but I couldn't get my fingers under the belt to pull it out so I had to unhook the belt and readjust and re-hook.  Yup, I took the seat belt off after I had it on and I was able to re-hook it up.  I was free of the seat belt curse.

The next thing I did was check and see if I could get to the tray.  I wear this billowy outfit and it spreads across the world (or at least across the seats) and I couldn't quite get my top out of the way to open the tray so not wanting to embarrass myself I quit trying.  I was just happy to be in the chair and it fitting.

So the trip to Vegas was underway, but B's fate was still in the hands of those more powerful then us.  So I didn't know if I was going to see her at 1:30 or at 8:00, I was hoping it would be 1:30.  I was ready to relax and have some fun.

Day 257 - Travel Part 3

Nothing ever goes as planned.  I was really excited about the trip and even if I didn't fit in the seat I was going to have fun and deal with that when it came up.  So everything went smoothly in the morning, however, my travel suit does have a slight wiff of sweat even after all those washings.  Oh who cares, as long as the plane doesn't go down - right?

So I got a text from B  to call her.  I started to freak out that she was going to back out, and then I had to decide if I wanted to go alone or not, but she was just calling to let me know that her hubby was bringing her so we were still on.

We got to the airport right on time and I saw B standing on the curb and everything was good.  Until I walked up to her.  Disaster, she forgot her most important bag and her hubby had to go back to WALNUT CREEK (an hour one way) to get it.  There was no way he would get back in time, but B kept saying he will do it (the Polly Anna that she is,) so I didn't dissuade her, but I knew she wasn't going to make it on the 9:20 if she waited for her bag.  By the time I had to go to board the plane he was just getting to the Caldecott  Tunnel going to Walnut Creek.  Nope he wasn't going to make it.

So we made a plan - she would catch the 11:20 which would get in at 1:30, and I would wait at the terminal until she got there.

So as I headed to security I started to wonder if they were going to question the difference in my drivers license to me.  I don't think I look like my drivers license any more, so I started to worry about that, and I started to sweat.

At security he didn't even look at my face he just inspected the license and then inspected my boarding pass never once really looking at my face.  I started to think that security wasn't so great after all.

I had no problems whatsoever putting my shoes back on.  I realized now that I can bend over and tie my shoe, which I couldn't before.  I still can't squat, which is why I was worried, but I learned something and that is another change I am happy to report.

So when I got to the gate they were boarding the last group, so I didn't have a whole lot of time to worry about whether or not the belt would fit.

As they were checking passengers in they announced that the plane was over booked and were taking people who were willing to go on a later flight.  I was like what the heck - I will just go with Becky so I asked when the flight was and they said 8:00- 8:00 I exclaimed, but what about the 11:20?  Full.  Full.  Full.  Freak out.  I could only hope that she got on the 11:20 before it got full.  I got on the plane thinking - if B didn't make the 11:20 then we would miss the first nights show...Dang this was freaking me out and I started to sweat.

Day 256 - Travel Part 2

So I have a purse where I keep all the seat belt extenders, and I was gathering up all the stuff I would need for this flight and I couldn't find the dang purse.  I literally tore every single closet in this house apart looking for it.  Totally freaking out when I couldn't find it.

Everyone told me that I would be fine, but I wasn't sure.  I remember when I was doing the bike trip I didn't want to fly because I was afraid that I wouldn't fit in the seat, so I was dubious about the whole flying thing.  But then I ended going on line and seeing what they said about the seat belt.  On line it says that the average seat belt length is 46 inches.  So I grabbed a tape measure and screeched because well my hips are still bigger then 46 inches.  So I started panicking - after all this weight I still couldn't fit into the seat.  So I sat down and grabbed the tape measure to figure how short I would be and I realized that it wasn't all around your hips, just around part of the hips, so I measured from seat back to seat back.  I fit!!!  So happily I started going about my day when I decided to double check.  I Googled United seat belt lengths and it came back - 30 inches - YIKES.  United has the smallest seat belts of all the airlines.  So the freak out began again.  That is a 16 inch difference, but hey there was nothing I could do.

In the meantime I figured in for a penny in for a pound, so I decided I wasn't going to take the slip on shoes, I was going to be comfortable.  So I put on my sneakers and my lucky outfit (I always wear the same thing when I travel) and off I went to the airport hoping and praying that whatever the seat belt lengths were I would fit.  Hoping and praying that disaster wouldn't hit.

Day 255- Travel

So for years I have hated traveling, and all to do with my size.  Before the weight (hereinafter BW is before weight gain) I loved traveling, I had no problems getting on planes and going.  In fact I found it fun.

After the weight gain (hereinafter AW) I hated traveling and would get physically sick just the thought of having to go get on a plane.  It wasn't just the seat situation, it was everything.  I had trouble bending down and tying my shoes and then getting back up again, so I had to get slip on shoes, but that sucked because they don't make comfortable slip on shoes.  So I wouldn't have a problem going through security, but then my feet would kill me for the rest of the day.  But it was a trade off I made.  Comfort versus embarrassing myself.

Then when they would look at me during the security part, I was sure they were putting secret messages on my plane ticket, like should we really let her through.  She is really to big to be flying - blah blah blah.  I am sure that they were thinking that, but probably didn't put that on my plane ticket.  But hey I get my paranoia honestly.

My wrist got to large that I couldn't get my bracelets off, so I would have to be scanned every time I went through security, irritating and embarrassing having someone pat you down.   I would get so nervous about it, then I would sweat and then I would stink for the rest of the trip, very annoying.  I finally ended up cutting my beautiful bracelets off because I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I started going first class maybe 7/8 years ago, only because the seats were larger and I was afraid if I didn't go first class they would charge me for an extra seat.  They kept saying on the news they were doing that for some airlines.  I just couldn't go through the humiliation of having to buy a second seat, so I started going first class.

Then there was the seat belt.  I outgrew the seat belt, and I would sit there struggling to get it on.  Once on I daren't take it off for fear that I wouldn't get it back on.  Trying to put the seat belt on my large frame freaked me out and I would start to sweat (see above going through security)  I always managed to get it on, but it was a struggle, and sometimes I would have to put the seat back to get it on.  Then the flight was always miserable because the damn seat belt was digging into me.  I would come away  black and blue from the seat belt.

I was doing too much flying to keep trying to get my double wide into a single wide, so I happened upon seat belt extenders in the travel magazine.  I found where they sold it and bought all four different types just so I would always be prepared.

That made life much easier on the plane, but then I would worry how to discreetly take it out of my purse and put it away, and what if the flight attendant wanted to embarrass me and prove I was really buckled up.  I would then begin to sweat wondering if the attendant would come up and ask how the heck did I get the seat belt on, and I would begin to stink (see above.)

Then if we were on a long flight they would always  always feed us in first class, but I had to always turn them down because the damn tray didn't fit over my double wide frame.  When it was time to feed us I would start to get nervous, then start to sweat, then start to stink (see above.)

Then if the plane hit turbulence I would wonder if we would go down because they had all my extra weight, and maybe the would just throw me out first because I weighed to dang much.  Really that always went through my mind.

Then I started worrying about my seat mate,  by the time they sat down beside me, I had been drenched at least 3 times, and I was very very ripe.  I would hold my arms really close to my sides and hope that they couldn't smell me.

So I think I have made it very clear that traveling did happen to probably take a few months off my life everytime I did it.

So going to Las Vegas this weekend had me on pins and needles.

Day 254 - I am not alone

Last night at group I found one person who said that they too do not know when they are hungry or full.  But most people told me that I will eventually learn it if I work at it.  Well I really don't think it is something to learn.

I think back to the days before I gained the weight, and I used to laugh with friends and family how I would get really dizzy and weak sometimes, only to realize that I had forgotten to eat, and how it sometimes could be two or three days since I had last eaten.  I wasn't dieting, I just got busy in what I was doing and food wasn't always on my mind, so I wouldn't eat.

It was never hunger that would make me realize it, it was actually feeling weak and dizzy.  Now this doesn't translate to the fact that I don't like the taste of food.  I love food, always have, always will.

I did a diet when I was in my early/mid 20's and I lost a lot of weight then.  During that period I was always hungry, to the point of weakness, and when I completed the diet, I swore I would never do that again.  I was eating probably less then 600 calories because I absolutely hated the food, so I would eat what stuff I could endure and just wouldn't eat the rest of the stuff.  I was hungry the whole time I was on that diet, and I know I was hungry, because I was in constant pain.  My stomach gurgled and growled, I felt light headed, and even after eating the little bit that I did, it never took away the pain.  I ended up not eating the food at all.  Instead I would go to the store and buy five pounds of fruit and a bag of popcorn or frozen yogurt.  I lived on that until I lost the rest of the weight then I ate once a day, whatever I wanted and for me that worked - while I was young.

I was glad to hear that someone else didn't have those cues.  For those in class that say they don't but that they know they can learn it, I am not so sure.  It is something they should consider. 

Day 253 - Grammar

I had a different post in mind today, but I just had to get this out there.  I have already apologized numerous times for my grammatical errors, but some people commenting don't seem to remember those apologies.

I misspell words, put the wrong word down and sometimes I really don't know the rule or I don't know that I made an error.  You have to forgive me I didn't go to school when they were teaching grammar.  I learned my grammar and spelling through reading, so I don't know the difference between a hanging participle and well anything.  I don't know how to punctuate, so I do it by sound, but you know that isn't always correct.  Spelling is atrocious thank god for spell check, but even then if you have the a word spelled correctly it won't pick up that error if it is the wrong word.

So blame my parents for not sending me to third grade, if I had gone to third grade I am sure that my grammar would be perfect.

Day 252-Hill Walking

So I decided that it was time to start walking hills.  T and I headed out our front door, and this time we didn't get in the car, but started walking up the hill.  I had decided that we would walk to the cross and back, and I knew that I had  a little climb ahead, but I plunged forward.

So the first hill I was like - woo why have I been avoiding these hills, this is nothing, I am not even out of breath. By the time I got to Robinhood Lane, I was half way up the hill and thinking maybe it isn't such a good idea, who needs to get up to the cross?

But we made it, barely and yes I was sweating and I thought that this is not something I am likely to do anytime soon.  But the walk to the top of Mt Davidson was rather easy and I was pleased with the whole thing.  I had walked up to the top for the first time in what 15 years?  Yahoo!!!

But coming down was pure hell.  T was no help my ankle was killing me, and my knees weren't feeling all that good either.  I was so worried about T pulling me down that I literally shuffled down the hill, screaming at her the whole way.

When we got out of the park I was on a fairly level area, and we were walking easily, when this man comes running up to us.  I guess I woman had just gotten mugged - must have been right after we had walked by - and he said that the mugger had really beaten her up.  I was shocked, I didn't see anything or anybody.  I mean we were in the third richest area in the city and it was broad daylight, workers all over the place, people out and about.  And I had just walked by seems right before the attack - I started to wonder if maybe he was making it up.  And if not, then I wasn't mugged because I had a 108 pound German Shepherd walking beside me?

But whatever the truth, I came home and locked the doors.  Don't think I will be walking in that area without my trustee steed any time in the future.

Day 251 - Fathers Day

We went to TH's sons house for father's day and  it was a truly beautiful day in Sacramento.

I don't know how I am going to manage eating off TFD because I have no control on my own.  I think this weekend I ate more fruit then the Fruit of the Loom fruit basket.  I just couldn't stop eating fruit, and I ate so much that I actually felt full when I woke up the next morning.  So there are two ideas going through my head, one I ate way too much or two fruit is more filling then I thought.

Now we learned in Group that fruit and Carbs are only quick energy fixes, if we want long term energy we should eat fat and protein, which I am all for, but...well according to them I can't eat enough fat and protein to fill myself up (I mean seriously do really think 3 oz of meat is really going to fill up anybody?)  But fruit taste good, it is relatively low in calories (4 cups of mixed fruit is 280 calories 4 cups of ice cream is 1080 calories) and it is very filling.

So at lunch I had two baby back ribs (they say two ribs is 4 ozs) and green salad.  Was I satisfied, well I sure could have eaten more, and I wanted to eat more, but no I wasn't satisfied.  I feel I would have been better off not eating anything.   It is a slippery slope, and I still don't have enough control to manage it.  So I need to just stick with TFD for now.

Day 250 - You Look Marvelous Darling

At least they are not telling me how much better I am looking.  I know that is hard not to say and I find myself saying it to people in Group.  I am just reaffirming that if you are fat you are ugly.  

But here is the truth and all people who are overweight realize it, we just don't want to admit it.  When you are heavy you lose your distinct facial features, it all kind of blends into a fat blob, and people don't see your eyes, or your mouth and they definitely don't see your bone structure.  I have always had big eyes, but the heavier I get the less big they get.  I have not had anyone in years comment on what big eyes I have.  I used to get those comments on a daily basis when I was thinner.  Not what beautiful eyes mind you, just how big they were.  I literally got comments all the time. everywhere from everyone.  I remember going to a fair and this little kid coming up to me and telling me I had big eyes.  (I know I know that is a another blog - like I need to be told that I have big eyes - is it a question, statement or???)

So for the last 20 years I have had no comments whatsoever on my eyes.  I am curious, do you think there will be a point in the weight loss were people will comment again?  Time will only tell. 

Day 249 - Breaking us up

As I said before they made us re-sign up, and furthermore, they are talking about breaking the group up into those who still have to lose weight and those on maintenance. 

To refresh your memory, when they did that a while back they wanted to put us into two groups and it ended up that everyone but two wanted to lose more weight.  As J keeps harping on no one is really on maintenance yet.  But they keep calling the group maintenance.  So if they break us up, then I am going to be in the group that still has a lot to lose, and I don't know anyone in that group.  All my people are close to being done or are done now.  Those are the ones that I want to be with, not the ones who tried and failed and whine that they just don't know why they can't lose weight anymore. 

In all fairness, I was exactly where they are 10 months ago.  I was frantic, I knew if I didn't lose weight I would probably not live past the new dog we got.  But nothing I did or thought helped.  The thought of having to lose all this weight was daunting and unattainable.  I still have a lot to lose and is it still daunting, and to a certain degree feels unattainable, but...I feel more in control, and because I have lost so much so far I feel like I am in a healthier space, so I don't feel so close to death.

So what is a girl to do?  Go with the maintenance people or stick with the lose weight people.   What a quandary.

248 - 12 more weeks on Optifast?

We paid for 82 weeks on this program, and now they are changing the rules.  Because people are not coming they are making it that we have to re-sign up every twelve weeks, and if we don't show up then we are out of the program.  There are a couple things wrong with that, first we had to pay for the program up front, so requiring that we sign another contract every 12 weeks just isn't right.    Secondly, they won't enforce it just like they didn't enforce that we could only miss two classes in the first thirty weeks.

They knew the statistics when they started the program, so understanding that they want a higher success rate is one thing, but we are a test group, and they are changing the test in the middle?    I mean it is no skin off my nose, I am committed to the program, and I was planning on attending for the full 82 weeks, so signing a piece of paper every twelve weeks doesn't bother me, but it isn't fair nonetheless.

So the signing of the paper was Tuesday, I am curious how many of those who signed will be there this coming Tuesday - I will let you know.

Day 247 - In the zone

When I am losing weight, I am up and excited and start planning how much I can lose in the next month, two months and year.  Then suddenly it all goes to heck, I don't lose anything for a week or two and I sart wondering if I will even to my next goal. 

Luckily I haven't been on a plateau for a few weeks, but I worry worry worry that I am up for another one.  I am going into a rather hard diet period as I will be having Little T here or three weeks, and I like to entertain her by taking her out to eat. 

Already TH has a number of places he wants to take her, and I don't think that we will have enough hours in the day to do all the eating he is planning.

I didn't walk yesterday, or today, or any other type of exercise, maybe I am just asking for a plateau.

I know a bunch of non sequitors.

Day 246 - High tide

Everyone in our house was very sad including T.  She knows Darien isn't around and she is despondent.  We took her to the vet yesterday for her normal check up and had her x-rayed for hip dysplasia, which she unfortunately has, not a good day all around.

But I knew I wouldn't be able to work, so I decided we needed to get out into the sunshine.    It is always the beach I turn to when I sad, and for a little while I forgot the sadness in my life while I manuevered the beach.  It was high tide and I never go to the beach at high tide, mainly because I have to walk in soft sand and that is just too tiring.  However, the beach contour is changing, and there is about a quarter of a mile that we completely lost the beach.  We had to scramble up over the dunes and walk up on the boardwalk to avoid the rushing waves, and that has never happened at that part of the beach in my whole 20 years I have been walking this beach.

It won't be long until high tide is at the Great Highway and that will the beach walk.  Then maybe it won't be so bad - we will be walking on asphalt.  But it is true we are losing our beach, must be global warming.    

Day 245 - Darien

Everyone knows Darien as a stubborn loud obnoxious dog.  She was a dog that everyone wanted to pet, but few were allowed.  For those that she allowed to pet they felt honored - it was real bragging rights for those that she let into her heart and space.

She shared her life with us and let us enjoy all her strange little quirks - which there were many many.  You never doubted were you stood with her, she either liked you, accepted you or not.  Those were her three choices and there were only three entities that she actually loved, TH, me and Tyr.  She never did warm up to T, she was never really happy that we brought her home, but she lived with it because we made her.

She did a lot of things she didn't want to do because we made her.  And that in itself was huge.  She was so very stubborn, and usually her stubbornest won out, but sometimes we had to out stubborn her for her own good.  She would never stop fighting T for top spot, even after getting badly hurt she still would fight.  She would be on her back with all 100 pounds of T pressing down on her and still she would growl.   That is how she went - fighting.

As sick as she was she just wanted to be with us and get as close as she could.  And that is how she went wrapped in our arms.

She was the most beautiful stubborn white dog I have ever met.  She will be sorely missed.  I love you Darien White Mop Mitchell.

Day 244 - Darien White Mop Mitchell 02/02/1996-06/14/2011

Day 243 - Lake Merced

I walked around Lake Merced with D, and I came home with a sore back and a weak ankle.  I have been feeling a little blah lately, but our walk was about two hours (it usually takes me 90 minutes) and I got tired also.  It also was disconcerting that everyone was passing us.  I know I complain about that all the time, but when two little hunched over ladies went sailing by us, I knew I was - well limping along.

One of the girls at group said that she walked the Lake two to three times a week and she said that she would go around it twice.  I gasped out loud - twice that is ten mile and she said she does it in forty minutes?  I was sitting there shaking my head - like that is just not possible.  You can't even run 10 miles in 40 minutes = please.

So I said Lake Merced?  And she said yes - and I said you go all the way around Lake Merced and she said yes.  And I said sometimes you do it twice? And she said yes.  So I say you walk 30 to 40 miles a week? And she said what?  I only go around Lake Merced it is only like a mile around -.  I don't know what lake I have been walking around, but sure isn't the same one she is walking around.  I guess from all of that there is a shorter way around the lake - I don't know - maybe when my knee is feeling better I will explore the smaller Lake Merced.

Well off to be a nurse.

Day 242 - No walk in the park

Caring for an invalid dog is hard, especially when you don't really know what to do for them.  They are like an infant who can't tell what hurts and why they won't eat.  We have tried forcing food down her throat and playing airplane with her but to no avail  The Darling just won't eat.

She is walking on her own, with the safety harness to guide her in case she falls, but mostly she is supporting herself.  T wasn't able to support herself in the end, so this I am grateful..

TH is being a wonderful father and is looking after her with all his heart and soul.  With the love he is giving her she has to get better.

Day 241 - D is home

We brought D home today, but she still hasn't eaten anything since last Friday, and we are both a little upset about that.  TH tried to force food down her throat, and I just stood by and let it happen.  I don't have a good answer on how to make her eat.  I thought putting chicken under her nose would interest her, but it didn't.

It is hard because she has never had a big appetite, and usually she isn't that interested in food unless I am eating it.  But I don't even think my eating the food would get her that interested.  I am glad she is here, I think she is glad she is here, but...if only she would eat.

If she ate she would be able to walk and run and sing and jump, now she can't do any of that.  If wishes were horses...

Maybe later?

Day 240 - The Beach

T1, NJ and T all went to the beach on Wednesday, it was a typical San Francisco day, foggy and wet, but it is always beautiful, no matter when you go.  I actually like to go when it is storming, I have the whole beach to myself generally and it is just the most majestic sight you would ever see.   Seriously though you really do have it all to your self - four miles of sandy beautiful beach.  All mine.

A choice to walk the beach or around the lake?  I would pick the beach every time.  However, I don't like to walk at high tide.  And the tide can get so high at times that it will cut you off from other parts of the beach.  So if you want to walk past a certain point, you have to make sure that you could make it back before the tide washed out that part of the beach.  Timing is everything.

I used to walk the beach everyday with the first T, dogs could be off leash at that time and she would dashing off after the birds who would tease and tempt her.  She came close a couple of times catching the birds (she was very very fast) but she never quite managed a full bird catch.  She did come up with some injured birds, but she would drop them once she realized that I didn't want them (me running away from her screaming at the top of my lungs drop drop drop not a pretty sight.)

Dogs are suppose to on leash because of some endangered bird, and the dogs hurt their environment.  Over the years that I have been going to the beach I have never seen a dog catch the birds.  When I would come in the morning they are all over the beach thousands of them,   and we would have to chase them away just so we wouldn't step on them.   I guess having thousands of dogs chase the birds was creating some stress, but it certainly didn't seem to stop them from taking over the beach.

I think that maybe we will go to the beach tomorrow.  I just need to check low tide.

Day 239 - Update

So D was at the Vet hospital all day, and we were hoping to bring her home, but they determined that she had high blood pressure and they wanted to bring it down and then decide her next course of action.  So while they were giving her an MRI she got sick, and her blood pressure went spiraling down.  Luck was on her side, as they had not given her any blood pressure medicine to bring her pressure down yet.  So if they had she would not have made it.  Like I said luck is on her side.

We planned to see her after class and I was looking forward to it, but it seems that she took a turn for the worse and he (the doctor) felt it would be better for her if we didn't come to and get her all riled up only for them to try and calm her down after we left.  So we didn't get to see our little beauty.

She was worse in the am and it sounded like maybe we would lose her, but we saw her this evening and we both actually got a bit hopeful.  Hope is eternal (I promised her the bed if she came home - TH told me later that he told her that I had the best intentions, but he doubted I would let her have the bed - but a promise is a promise - maybe they can trade off.)

Think good thoughts.

Day 238 - The waiting game

There is no update for D except that she does not have a brain tumor.  That is very good news.  Now we are just waiting to know what did cause it.  It seems we wait a lot in this wacky world we live in.

One thing I have been waiting for is going uphill.  I have been afraid to ascend, and I realize that I am going to have to bite the bullet and just do it if I want to go hiking in the Himalayas.  Well maybe not the Himalayas, but maybe the Rockies.  I guess maybe I should do it one step at a time and climb the street behind our house.

Back to the waiting.  TH keeps calling our number to make sure that it rings.  I remember doing that when I was waiting for someone to call.  Picking the phone up to see if there is a dial tone.  You know the phone works 364 days out of the year, but when you really want that call and it isn't coming you just know that the phone is screwed up.

Hopefully we will have a good update on D.  

Day 237 - Vestibular syndrome

I was up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, determined to get some work done and hopefully get out to a show later.  So I am upstairs and I hear TH call that D had a stroke.  I came racing down the stairs to find my beloved (my other beloved) canine companion wobbling around with a really awkward head tilt.  My first thought was that this was it.  Over for my little white one.  And I felt the hysteria build up.  I wasn't ready.  I haven't/couldn't even think of her being gone.  No matter how annoying she is she still is my little puppy who came to our house covered in dirt and fleas and gave that pitiful look and begged me to let her stay.

So we rushed her to the doctor and he said immediately that it was old age vestibular syndrome, classic, so it should clear up in a day or two.  By that night it hadn't gotten any better, but TH wanted her home with us, so she came home.  I thought she should stay in care, but right or wrong she was home with us.  It was hard, she had moments of relief and other times of complete agitation and we couldn't seem to calm her down no matter what we did.

Sunday night was the worse, she was getting up and standing around for long periods of time, but she couldn't seem to get moving again, hence the standing.  The head tilt was the most disconcerting as it looked like she had a snapped neck.  We were carrying upstairs and downstairs wrapped in a blanket, and as she couldn't stand she was wetting where she lay.  We tried to clean up after her, but there is just so much we can do.  I am the only one that ended up sleeping in the bed.  T was so freaked she actually went into the closet, and if she could have she would have shut the door.

Monday, well it is almost 11pm and we still have no word on what is wrong with her.  Think good thoughts, we really want her to meet her baby sister, I think it will make her feel better if only she can hang on.

Day 236 - Weight gain

So after all of that I did gain weight, two pounds.  Now how am I going to get that off by Tuesday?  Well I am not going to have a weight loss this week - oh heck.

So I tried to exercise yesterday, but I really didn't feel like it.  I have a defeatist attitude right now and I know that I have to get over it.  My goodness what would have happened if I had actually gone on a binge?

I am feeling like I ruined the last eight months and that I got out of control and I am never going to lose the rest - that this is the beginning of the weight gain not loss.  I know that I am overreacting, but...like I have been saying it is as much a mental problem as a physical one.  I can't deviate, not one iota.  I hope I can make it back.

Day 235 - Argh!!!

Well for the first time in eight months I went over my calories.  How easy it is to do.  And I didn't even have anything bad.  However, I am seriously stuffed, so I know that I did.

That is what happens when you go off plan.  I went to the dentist and doctor today, so I went for Indian food for lunch.  I am losing it right now.  I refuse to eat anything other then TFD from here on out until July 15.  I am not going out to lunch or dinner or anything.    Pooh and double pooh.

So I went back to my entries trying to find - hoping I overestimated the calories.  I ate lunch  (640 calories it is suppose to be no more then 350, I didn't know it was so much when I ordered) popcorn (no butter/last time I put it in in showed 150 calories this time it was 420 and a bowl of fruit (180) TFD snack (187) and TFD dessert (257).  That is it.  Well okay it is a lot, but by my estimate I should have had 600 calories less.  I guess that is why you put the food in before you eat it.  Blah.

Just so you understand - I didn't eat enough calories to lose two pounds a week, which according to the BMR is 1200 calories (which means I have a deficit of 1000 calories a day) which means that 2200 is my BMR (I think it tested at 1890 though) so I didn't eat enough to gain weight.  We will see tomorrow.    Oh all my crowing about other people falling off the diet and how it just can't happen, and here I did it myself.

Bah Humbug.

Day 234 - There, their and they're

I don't normally go back and reread my blogs, but for some reason the web sent someone to one of my earlier blogs and I was curious to see what they had searched for.  Reading the blog I started to laugh, I had used their incorrectly three times (along with other grammatical errors, but who is counting.)

I remember my boss laughing at me asking me if I knew the difference between there/their and I was so incensed that he would think I didn't know the difference.  However; it does appear that I do tend to use it incorrectly and it isn't just there/their and they're, I also seem to do to/too/two incorrectly too.  I found once I had written two for to, but I know the difference between those three words also.  The words I don't seem to get, no matter how hard I try is then/than.  I have been told numerous times when to use then and than, but I just don't get it.  There are other words that I mix up, but those seem to be the most obvious.

I don't proof read these blogs before I post, so please forgive the errors.  (Even if I did proof read, I pretty sure I wouldn't find the errors anyway.  I am pretty blind to grammar and spelling - forgive me.)

Day 233 - Group redux

So we had a new person in group who joined from Oakland.  She found that she did well on the product, and all the way up to December when she stopped going, and since she is here in the City has rejoined to get back on track.

In the new group there are those who have gained all their weight back (one) and those who are forgiving themselves and going forward, but much of the talk was about food addiction.  So I am not going to get started on that again, but they/we all have a similar theme.  We don't stop eating that which tastes good.  One of the maintenance people talked about buying a box of Triscuits and thankful his wife and daughter ate half because that meant he only ate half the box instead of the full box.  Another one on maintenance talked about not having chocolate chip cookies in the house because she will eat the whole package.

I too am one who once started won't stop, but I can have it in the house.  I don't need it out of sight, in fact I like having stuff I like in the house.  We have a gallon tub of ice cream in the freezer, I have never been tempted to open it up and eat it.  But I am not a food addict.  I don't have uncontrollable urges.  I could stop once started on a food binge, I just choose not to.  Or I choose not to put myself in a situation where I would/could binge.

I am learning to take responsibility for my eating (though I did blame TH on the soup.)  I think that is the first lesson to learn.  Don't blame you weight on your addiction to food, in fact don't blame your weight on anything, that is lesson two.  Accept that there may be some physical reasons you are overweight, that you may have some emotional reasons why you are overweight and accept that those are difficult issues and work to overcome them.

Or just be OCD.