Day 384 - I can I can't I won't I will

That is the constant push pull of someone who wants or tries to diet.  Most heavy people who want to lose weight have this constant battle with themselves.  Instant gratification vs well not instant.  We struggle daily with the prejudice and the looks of disgust, but still we go home and stuff our faces, because we can't and we won't.

But for most there comes a day when you just say I will.  I will for today.  But for most today isn't good enough, you need five hundred of those today's to make it happen (or three hundred or one hundred) and today is harder to beat then tomorrow.  Sometimes I think it goes further down to right now.  Right now I won't eat that donuts, but when I did that when I was heavier, I would eventually end up eating it even if it wasn't right now.

So how many today's can a heavy person handle before it turns into tomorrow?  Is there a point that you just don't like eating the way you do and you want to have that rich and creamy food again?  I think that the answer is yes.

However, when we were on Optifast I didn't have that much in the way of food cravings.  It was sufficient what I had and I never had to worry about anything else.  As I have gotten further and further away from Optifast, and started having to think more and more of what I can and can't eat I find I drift more and more back to the old ways.

So I am going to Ohio for a few days.  I decided to do the program again (just three days) and get back to what that feeling of being in control, to know exactly what I could eat and not worry about the calories.  To know that I can survive on less and be satisfied.  And maybe - just maybe I can get my head back completely in the game and break that plateau.

Day 383 - Another plateau

It seems that I just can't out of this weight range.  And I am still going to bed lighter then when I am waking up.  All very disheartening and frustrating.  I know people always say look at what you have accomplished, but the truth is you only as good as your last victory.  And I haven't won the war, the battle is still raging, so to lose a bunch of skirmishes just doesn't sit that well.

Okay enough of the war talk, but it is a war of sorts, and sometimes I just don't think I am winning it.  Yes I have lost 1/2 of what I wanted to lose but I still have a long ways to go.  Sometimes I think, maybe all this loose skin is misrepresenting how much I have lost, maybe I am like that guy who lost 100 pounds and had 20 pounds of loose skin removed.  I tried to think back to those days when I did weigh this much did I have the stomach?  I don't think so.  In fact I think at this weight I could hold my gut in and I could see a difference.  If I hold my gut in now I don't see any difference.  Bah humbug.

Day 382 - I am back for a bit at least

I finished up everything I needed to so all is well before I head out to Ohio.

T and I walked with L the other day, and we walked the bluffs.  I used to love walking the bluffs, but I didn't do it because it was too hard, and I was afraid if I went down I wouldn't be able to get back up.  Now I think I could do it.  I mean I think I could get back up the hill now.  I haven't tried because it isn't in my list of walks anymore, but I think when I get back I will do it.  Make a day out of it.

T would like that too.  L thinks I am a nervous Nellie, I worry about horses, people, dogs, but off leash she doesn't bother people or dogs.  She is really a good dog.  Her recall is immediate and unlike Tyr when I call her she comes all the way to me.  Tyr would come but stay away from my reach.

Anyway, it was fun, but L's dog eats everything (I mean everything) so I kind of get grossed out when she comes around me, especially after I saw her munching down on a rotting corpse.  Gross to the nth degree.

Day 381 - Tidings

I have been trying to get work done so I can spend the rest of the year relaxing and concentrating on getting this last bit of weight off, but I don't feel like I am going to get everything done!!!

There comes a time when you have to just give up and say the heck with it and hope that you will have everything done by the deadline.  It is all I can do.  But until then these posts will have to take a back seat.  Life is just not fair.

Day 380 - Locker room chit chat

So I went to the pool to swim today and when I got out there were three women changing.  It was all very quiet and awkward as I tried to undress as discreetly as I could.  The woman next to me started to laugh and started talking about how hard it is for some woman to change in the open like this and that is what keeps them from going swimming.

Yes lets discuss this while I am hiding under a towel.

Lady - I don't let just anyone see my rolls.  But I will get undressed in a locker room if I have to.  Rossmoor actually has a private dressing room, and I usually use it (they only have one.)  And even when I was at the Y in Bellingham they had private dressing rooms, so I never really worried that much about changing.  It certainly has kept me from going to a locker room before, but I wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit before, so it makes no difference.

I am at that awkward point where clothes will hide the bulges, but wear something form fitting and you do see the rolls, so this is really a big step for me.  In a bathing suit, well not a bathing suit a bathing dress.  I bought a speedo, put it on and immediately took it off.  As I discussed before, you know my legs, well just the thighs, gross. So I wear a bathing dress 10 sizes to big so people won't see my legs - it is not vain if it is getting me to the pool.  Ya Know.

Life can be so difficult.

Day 379 - What happens if I gain it all back?

I haven't lost all the weight yet, but what will happen if I stop and start gaining it back?  They say if you can keep the weight off for two years you can keep it off for five years.  What if it takes two years to take it off.  Does that count as two years or is it after you have taken it off and then you go another two years?

In the last year I have gained weight 4 weeks.  Once was with the cast, where I gained 1.2 pounds, then I gained 1.7 pounds, .4 pounds and 1.5 pounds and now this week I gained .2 pounds.  Two of those four weight gains  were in July when Little T was here, one on my trips in August and now this last one that I really have no idea how it happened.  I was hoping I would never have weight gains again.  But this is reality not fantasy, so we do the best we can with what we have and hope next week it will come off.  But next week I won't be there so how will I know how I am doing?  When I come back will I have gained five pounds?  ACK!!!!

Day 378 - Jealous

I have to admit I a bit possessive of my friends, family, coworkers, dog etc...  I work really hard to keep it in check and not let it show, but...that doesn't mean I am not feeling it.  So when LZ started with this new swimmer, I got really jealous.  I know it is what she does for a living, but she is mine, and I want her not want anyone else but me to train.  You know it kind of felt like she was cheating on me or something.  So I secretly watched her training her and when she lay on the deck to show her how it would look I knew I was the second child and there was no going back from that.

I am slow and big and she was fast and slim how can I compete?

On the part of being big and swimming - one of the problems I have encountered is the fatter you are the more you float, which is not a good thing for swimming.    Most good swimmers have a balance between the body position and the kicking that keeps them at the right level in the water.  If you are heavier that positioning is off and you ride too high in the water.  So you have to adjust your position down which means that you have to reduce your kick (for me no kick is easiest) so you lose the speed that you would get from that kick.  If you do kick your butt is in the air and you lose the aerodynamics of the swim.  And don't get me started on the back stroke.

Day 377 - Wild times at the pool

So I went off to swim at Rossmoor, it was a beautiful day, but in the past even on beautiful days the pool has been pretty quiet.  Not today.  There must have been close to 20 kids in the pool and all the lanes were full up.  I didn't know the protocol of guests and swimming so I waited until one of the lanes freed up to jump in.  But during that wait a woman with a dragon tattoo on her leg jumped in and started to go.  I was really surprised, I thought she wouldn't know how to swim, but I guess you really can't judge a book by its cover.  It was a beautiful tattoo though.

So seeing that she seemed to know how to do it I wasn't so worried about getting in.  However, those old guys don't really like to move over - hence the wait.  So as the old guy got out I started to slip in and this woman who was standing around came up to me and said this lane is for my daughter.  I looked at her and smiled and said sure I will share.  She can have the left side (or right not sure which it was) and off I went.  As I swam off I heard her sputtering away, she might have said sure you can share or ???

So the daughter came and joined me, but she didn't last too long before she got tuckered out and so I had the whole lane to myself for a minute.  As I was swimming along this old man waved me down.  I stopped and looked at him and he said my daughter wants to swim can you move over?  Being ultra polite I said sure she can share my lane she can have the left side (or right whichever it may be) and off I went.  I swam and swam on one side of the lane waiting for his daughter to show up and finally about ten minutes later she showed up.  I guess he was just prepping me for the eventuality of sharing a lane.

She didn't last very long either.  Soon I had the lane all to myself again (maybe people just don't like swimming with me.)  I was in the middle of the second to last set when a woman from another (yes she was already swimming) stopped me and asked me why people were taking numbers.  Huh?  I am not sure why, I answered, but there is plenty of room in the pool, the three lanes were all open with just one swimmer.  So she told me don't they share?  I said I am sure they did as I had shared twice already that day.  And she goes I am already sharing so why are they taking a number.  I just smiled and said who knows, but I am sure it is for something else.

I finally finished my set and got out of the pool went in got dressed and came out to see the person with number one arguing with someone.  She was on the deck and a person with number 4 was staring lustfully at my empty lane.  Actually there were two empty lanes.  Finally the woman jumped in and started swimming.  There was another woman at the end of the pool and she got in and waited for the woman to get to the end.  She asked if she would split the lane.  The woman looked at her and said no you have to get a number you have to wait.  My lane out.  That is exactly how it went.

I heard the woman asking about the numbering ask the life guard why people weren't sharing the lanes.  Her answer - its not my call.  - If it isn't her call then whose call is it.  That did kind of soured me on the pool, but it closes in a week so who cares anyway.

Day 376 - Kayaking in the big bad bay

So we went kayaking today, and for some of us it was a bit restless night worrying whether we would fit in the kayak (oh look I never noticed it is spelled the same ways front or back.)  So we were very relieved when we got there and saw that it was a "on top" kayak.  However, the kayaks were parked on the beach and J and W got in theirs and they were quickly pulled into the water, but we had to get out of the kayak because we were "weren't in far enough in the water" just a nice way of saying we were to heavy to pull.

So off we went.  Now I need a two person kayak so someone can tell me which way to paddle otherwise I would be in a world of hurt.  As both T and now TH can testify I don't have a clue which way to paddle to go right or left.  I know I know tell me once - twice - thrice I just will never get it.  So the guy told us that everybody had the right of way of kayaks, so we need to stay out of everybodies way.  He also said oh out yonder is the boat freeway so I would stay out of there.  Huh?

So fearing for my life before we even started I thought we could paddle around the lagoon, but TH had other ideas so off we went into the big bad world.  J and W soon took the lead and to me they were getting awful close to that freeway, but TH informed me that they were no where close to the the freeway.  About halfway out I thought we should practice going back, fearing that the current would make it really hard to come back, but TH thought I was crazy.  Then every time I saw a boat no matter how far out I would squeal and tell TH we HAD TO STOP!!!  Soon they were no longer boats to me but speeding cars and I was this poor pedestrian who had on roller skates and didn't know how to stop.

Then there were the sea lions and otters.  We got to see them up close and personal.  I was in heaven.  How often do you get to see an otter swim right by you?  But then my worries started to take over again.  We were told we had to stay 50 feet from the sea lions - some kind of wall - I don't know, so I thought that maybe we should go out a little further even if it did put us in the middle of the freeway.  I have no idea how much 50 feet is, but I think we were closer then 50 feet, but the sea lions did not show any signs of moving, so if we were it was okay with them and I guess that is all that matters.

This nervous Nellie had a great time, would do it again in a heart beat, in fact maybe I will take lessons.

Day 375 - I am so judgmental

So I am the slowest swimmer in the pool on most days.  Unless of course if I go to Rossmoor, then I am the fastest, because usually I am the only one in the pool.  But today I went to Brisbane, and I got my own lane, and I was swimming merrily along.  As the day progressed more and more people started coming, and suddenly I had a lane mate.  I looked up to see who it was, and it was a fairly large woman, much like me, maybe a little larger, and I thought oh she won't be faster then me.

When she lapped me for the second time, I had to put away all my prejudices.  I guess large women can swim fast.  Well faster then me.  Big sigh.  She had good form, and she seemed really comfortable in the water, she was just large, which made me automatically think she would be slow.  Slow like me.  I don't want people to look at me and say she's big so she must be slow.  And if they think that I want to blow them away with how fast I really am.  But I am not that fast now.  I guess I want to be her.

But I also don't have a clue about how heavy or light people are.  In group we had to put our weight down and how much we wanted to weight by the end of twelve weeks, and I glanced over to the woman sitting next to me I was shocked to see she was 20 pounds lighter then I was.  I would have sworn she was heavier, at least in my mind she looked heavier then me.  But then I have to think were I am coming from.  I have no idea what I look like.  Sometimes I think I am heavier then I am sometimes I think I am lighter then I am.  I found myself looking at buying airplane seat belt extenders because I couldn't find mine, I know intellectually that I don't need them, but I worry about getting on a plane without them.  Just in case I don't fit...

Day 374 - LZ

LZ has been working with me on my swimming now for five weeks (four weeks swimming) and I haven't been showing much improvement.  I really thought I would be a lot faster by now.  I mean really how hard is it to get in shape?  Am I always going to be so slow?  Don't you think I would see some improvement by now?

I still can't do an hour workout in an hour.  This saddens me.  I want to be better, but I just can't seem to do it.  Where is the improvement?  Wheres the beef?

LZ is a really good trainer though.  I know she knows I am struggling, but she just keeps plugging along.  Yesterday she said that she would work more on the aerobic with me as I don't seem to be able to work myself as hard as I do with her.

She wants me to get my stroke rate down to 20, I did 23 for the first lap, then I ended up doing 30 for the rest.  Big difference.  Oh well.

I was going to go swimming today, but I didn't.  Oh well.

Day 373 - New Clothes

J gave me a bunch of new clothes, and I have been having so much fun putting them on and admiring myself in the mirror. Then there are those that are just a tad to small, and I calculate how much weight I will need to lose to fit into them.  And then there are those that you don't think you would look good in, but when you put it on it actually surprises you, and you wonder why haven't I ever tried that before?

Clothes have always been my downfall.  Always looking for that something that makes you look better then you are.  People think they can change their looks with makeup - hair styles - clothes.  And if you look at some of the models out there you know that is definitely the case.  Unfortunately that is not the case for me.  But  that doesn't stop me from be a clothes horse - neigh.

Day 372 - Group

So I got to group and when I walked in there was only one other person sitting there.  I have always said that I was going to be the only person at the table by the end of the 82 weeks, and it almost happened.  People eventually came in, but still...

And it was one of those days that I just wanted to strangle the facilitator.  She wanted us to make a plan for the next twelve weeks because this is a bad time and people normally gain about 10 pounds during this season.  So she wanted us to make a plan so we minimized the gain.  When someone said that they were planning on losing she said oh well how are you going to do that?  - Huh?

We have spent an entire year learning to plan.  We plan our daily meals we plan our special meals, this is what they taught us.  This is how they told us we could keep it off.  Now she is saying no matter how much planning we have to what plan more?  That we are at risk because of the holiday season and we are going to spend the next 12 weeks bingeing?  By my count there is thanksgiving, Christmas and Christmas eve.  Holiday parties are no different then any other party one goes to over the year.  Pick and choose if it is going to be hard at the party, but really people don't pay any attention to what you are or are not eating at the party.  And if you are uncomfortable, walk around with a piece of food on your plate.   Very few people care if your eating especially in a large group.

Enough with the "most people gain 10 pounds" don't you know we are just looking for an excuse?

Day 371 - My you have lost a lot of weight

I was told by a total stranger wow you have lost a lot of weight.  The way this stranger figured it out was when I went for my mammography and the nurse who signed me in actually compared my drivers license picture to me.

I looked at her and asked if she thought it was obvious?  Of course - you lost a lot of weight.

So she asked if I did it through weight watchers, and I told her I did it through Kaisers program, and she said  - huh what program?

It is interesting that most Kaiser employees don't actually know about it.  My doctor actually asked me how it worked.  I guess it is hard to keep track of all the programs that they have, but everyone seems to know about surgery and what not.  You would think that the doctors would be referring their heavier patients to this program. It probably makes money for them, and increase the health of the patient right?  Win-win.  But then you get their nutritionalist and  they say bad program - bad.

Yea as my niece would say.

Day 370 - face down (or up) in the brier patch

So T and I were kicking back watching TV, TH was out enjoying the stars, and all was good with the world.

Suddenly at 8pm I hear this pounding on the front door then the doorbell rings.  Let TH get it, I don't like answering the door at night, and T just continued to lay there so I continued to watch TV.  The the ringing got more and more frantic.  I was like where is TH - maybe it is the cops- maybe it was someone from the Clockwork Orange (Alex perhaps) I am not about to answer the door.  So I start calling for TH.  Then the door starts to really bang, and I am like oh ****, so I peek out the window and there TH is standing with a cloud of fury over his head.

I open the door and he starts screaming at me for leaving him out there?  Huh?  He had to have gotten out there somehow, so if he got out he could obviously get back in right?  I started cringing at his screams and T went hiding, so calmly I say what is wrong.

I have been calling you for 30 minutes didn't you hear me.  I was screaming at the top of my lungs and you didn't come to help me.


What?  I didn't hear anything.  What happened?


I fell into the brier patch on my back and I couldn't get up.  Look at me I have scratches all over my body.


Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.


I screamed and screamed and I was laying on my back like a turtle and I couldn't move and you didn't come help me.


Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.


I screamed and screamed, and I even thought about shooting off the gun, you had to have heard me.


Oh- sorry, I didn't hear you.


Just look at me - I thought I was going to roll down the hill and be lost in the mire forever.  Why didn't you help me.


Oh-sorry I didn't hear you.


I could have been bitten by a snake.  You had to have heard me.


Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.


When would you have come looking for me.  I mean I was gone for like an hour.  I was screaming for help until I was hoarse.


Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.


I can't believe you didn't hear me.  I was out there for hours.  When were you going to come looking for me?  In the morning?


Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.


I was looking at somethings eyes when I fell.  I could have been eaten by a mountain lion or bear.  I yelled and yelled for you, why didn't you help me?


Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.


I was like out there for two hours, when where you going to come and look for me.


Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.


So ended a most uneventful day.

Day 369-Oops where does the time go

Sometimes the days slip by and you really have nothing to say.  We went to GV over the weekend and the time there is always relaxing and enjoyable, but it is not best for the diet.  I didn't have my TFD so I was left on my own to figure out what to eat.  Not so easy when you have to plan your own meals.

I bought a salad from the grocery store, and was looking forward to it.  260 calories, perfect and yummy, but luckily I checked the serving size before I chowed down on it.  2.5 servings.  Jeez for me it was a single serving. If I couldn't eat the whole thing I wasn't going to eat any of it.  So that is how the weekend started.

Day 368 - In my mind

Life doesn't always turn out the way that you want it to, and usually it is  the tiny failures that have lasting impact on you, for the most part.  My tiny failure was swimming.  

When I was young I wanted to do everything my brother did and I wanted to be as good as he was in everything I did that he did.  One of the things he did really well was swimming, so when we moved to Delhi the first thing I wanted to do was join the swim team that he was on.  

So when I asked if I could join the team the coach told me I had to swim four laps without stopping before they would consider it.  I can do that I said, and the coach looked at me and said I am sure you can with practice.  I was eight years old, and I don't know if I had ever swum one lap let alone four, but I wanted to join right then so I said I can do it right now watch.     

I swam the four laps, and true to their word I was allowed to join the team.  I worked hard, my brother was always in the fastest lane, and I was swimming with the babies, I wanted to be next to him at least, so I worked hard.  (There were other perks to swimming with him, we would always take a scooter to practice and come home together, and I had all that time alone with him.  He was my favorite person in the whole world and swimming was the one thing we had in common, the one thing that bonded us together.)

So I did work very hard, and I began to excel at it.  My brother was a backstroker so I too became a backstroker.   Soon I was breaking records, and then I realized I really was a good swimmer, maybe I was even better then he was.  And as I continued to swim I found that I didn't really care so much about impressing him, I really liked winning, and I liked being better then every one else. 

But I was young and the papers weren't as impressed with my national records as they were with cute little LB.  The bane of my existence.  She was 4 years older then me and she too won all her races and she was the media (at least for swimming) little darling.  Bah...

(to be continued)

Day 367 - Dinner

So for the first time in a year I gave myself permission to have whatever I wanted.  I found that what I really wanted was bread.  Warm hot bread with a touch of butter.  Life is good.    But back to reality is a little harder.

So I ordered everything I wanted, and ate not everything I wanted, but I ate a little of everything.  I know I could have eaten more and more and more, but I did restrain myself, and now I have five days to lose it again.  If I break even this week, that will be really good.

I am having some difficulty adjusting back to eating correctly.  I find that I want to eat more then I usually did before, so it is a struggle these last couple of weeks not to eat too much.

I know that it has to do with the swimming and my body thinks I need more food to compensate, and my head doesn't always win out.

I remember listening to people talk about exercising so they could eat.  I have thought a lot about that and I have to say that I am dieting so I can exercise.  I need to remember that when I want to go off plan.  What is the ultimate goal?  To be thin or be physical?  Def physical.

Day 366 - One Year Anniversary

Yes it has been one year - An amazing year.  As I was driving home from group yesterday I was thinking I am not losing as quickly as I would like.  In the beginning I was averaging about 3.5 pounds a week, now it  is more like a pound.  Then I thought, but I am able to do things I couldn't before, like walking, swimming,... fitting in chairs, you know just some of the usually mundane things.

So if I continue to lose at this current rate, I won't be at goal until next October, but really if you think about it that is okay.  I wanted to be mobile, and I didn't want the weight to keep me from doing what I want to do.  So now I am swimming, walking, traveling, going to shows, all with no problems.  So the very last step of course is the airplane bathroom.  I think I fit in there now, but I haven't tried it yet, and what if I try it and I can't get in, or worse get in and can't get out.  Oh the stress of it all.

So maybe I won't lose the rest in 32 weeks, and maybe this blog will end before I hit goal, but really that is okay.

Day 365 - Lifeguards

Well in the past two weeks I have seen a number of life guards, some just sit there, some walk around the pool, some stand and chat with the swimmers and so on.  So talking with one of the lifeguards I told her that it was very disconcerting having to swim uphill all the time.  She stopped turned around and looked at the pool.  "I think it is level, maybe a little tilted - is it, wow I never realized that before."

The only thought that went through my head at the time was your going to save me if I am drowning?

So I have swum 11 days in the last three weeks, and I wanted to do 5 days a week, so I am off a day, plus I am not improving as quickly as I expected.  We want immediate results, or at least enough that I can say I am improving a little, but my hundred time is exactly the same.  Maybe even a little slower.  Well maybe I should do five days.

This is how I got fat in the first place.  I am obsessive compulsive and I have an on and off switch.  At least this is a healthy on switch.

Day 364 - Ouch

So every two years, after the age of 50, women have to have the breast smashed radiated and left bruised and sore.  It sucks in so many ways.  And for me I thought it was just a waste of time.  But now, I am willing to go through the indignity and the pain just for the peace of mind.

That was my day today.  A little radiation, a little work, a little swimming.  Tomorrow maybe I will do it all again (without the radiation.)

Day 363 - On a clear day you can see forever

But how many clear days are there in San Francisco?  Not many, so when the sun comes out - so do the masses.  And when that happens it is time to get out of Dodge.  I like the cloudy misty weather.  It is good for walking and I can take T with me.

However, I haven't been taking T with me anywhere because she is such a jerk on the leash when she sees other dogs.  And I just can't seem to control her.  I broke down and bought a gentle leader, but I don't know if that will help or just make the walking uncomfortable (she has a tendency to throw a fit with the gentle leader on.)

We may or may not go for a walk today.  We will see.

Day 362 - Swimming in the big pool

So I broke down and went swimming at Brisbane.  It was a bit pitiful.  The swimmers there were all faster then me.  In fact this one lady actually lapped me twice when I did a fifty,   The time it took me to get down and back she had gone down and back twice.  So I did a minute ten for the fify, she did a minute ten for the hundred.  To be totally honest though - I was never that fast.  I probably did the hundreds during practice at 1:12 - 1:15 so she was faster then me even at my prime.  So what the heck was she doing at the pool?

Also there were a couple of swimmers there that splashed more then dolphins at play, and they too were beating me.  I was just getting beat up all around.  And dang those cramps just wouldn't let me increase the intensity.  I get them every time I swim.  The only exercise I have done in the last 37 years has all been legs, I haven't used my arms at all.  So to have my legs the ones giving out surprises me.    

So what is a girl to do?   

Day 361 - Swim, Walk, no work

Well I did getup and swim this morning with the wonderful help of TH, and then I came home and walked with J, with no help at all.  But just getting started up the hill was hard.

To go or not to go to GV that is the question.  I really do need to work one of these days, or  else I am going to be in big trouble, but if I stay here am I going to work?

I am always gung ho when I start something new, and this is new.  But I can't keep spending the whole day around my exercise.  I am going to have to find a way to do both the exercise and the work.  Somehow - oh yea and my poor dog is being totally neglected.  It is no longer T&T's adventures, just T's.  I am going to have to remedy that as well.

Well it is 4:00 I suppose I can get an hour in.

Day 360 - No swim - no work - no diet

Well - best laid plans of mice and men.  I woke up early to go swimming, but then I fell back asleep.  I really did intend to go, but my nerves just got the best of me.  So I decided to go to Rossmoor and swim.  Called Big D, and asked if she was up to company, and after a lot of coaxing she agreed.  I got to the pool and - yikes it was closed due to mechanical problems (?) so off we went to the indoor pool.  We got there and found it closed for cleaning - I guess it just isn't my day to swim.

So instead we went out to lunch (Cheesecake Factory) and I got one of there 590 calories lunches.  I know, I know...So after eating all the calories for the day I went home to walk with L.  We walked, but honestly I was feeling lazy.  Still.   I have been feeling lazy for the last two weeks.  Got home had dinner (yes I still had dinner) and I am now settling in to watch the XFactor.

I should have had Dim Sum.

Day 359 - Tuesday - walk and weigh in with a little work thrown in

So it feels like a scramble every Tuesday to lose the needed weight to make me want to keep on working on this whole losing weight bit.  But it is hard, and for whatever reason, I am feeling very sluggish all around.

And on top of all that swimming is getting very difficult.  I want to go hard, but I find that I just get too tired, and then  I give up.   If you haven't been aerobic then you can't just say I am going to be aerobic today.  It isn't just a physical thing it is a mental thing too.  How much pain can you dish out?  How much can you take.  Out of the water I think I can take a lot, but in the water - hmm not so much.

It easy sitting in my chair saying tomorrow I will push myself and it will hurt, but I will continue to push, until what I have a heart attack?  Okay, my heart is good shape, but being out of breath is one thing being out of breath in the water is another.  Controlled breathing and all that, all that training, but I haven't trained like that for 37 years - I don't have controlled breathing, I feel the lactic building up in my legs, and I just know I am going to not be able to pull my arm up one more time.

So she timed my hundred.  Very slow, but it is a starting point - she said it was 2:02.  So now I need it to be 2:02 going slow and 1:52 going fast - that is this weeks goal.  I will let you know if I make it.

Day 358 - Boo Hoo

Well I am not going to make my year goal.  I guess I haven't been doing as well as I should have been, so I get what I deserve.

However, with that said, it is hard to eat 1200 calories and exercise 1000 calories away.  Whether or not you have hunger signals, your body wants to eat.  If I could manage to just eat what was delivered, I don't think there would be a problem losing the weight, but I go into food overdrive and can't seem to stop.

So instead of 1200 calories I am eating more like 1400-1600, which is not going to make the weight come flying off.  Oh well.

Then this week I was going to be good, but I am having Dim Sum on Thursday, and I just don't know how that is going to be on my diet.  I think Dim Sum is really caloric.  Maybe I will bag out.

Dang.

Day 357 - The little engine that could

Yesterday J and I did Montara again (no not to the top, but it was all up hill on the way up) and within the first 10 minutes I was soaked.  Someday's it is easier then others, and yesterday was particularly hard.  It could have been the pace we were going up hill, or it could have just been a low biorhythm day or both.  But the bottom line was my tootsies hurt when I got home, which is never good.

According to my pedometer I did burn off 964 calories, so I didn't do any more exercise for the day.  Maybe I should have -  doesn't matter I was tired.

I am dragging my feet on this next goal.  It doesn't look like it is going to happen by the 12.  I had six pound sat the beginning of the week and I have six pounds now.  Soo...

But again I woke up a pound heavier then I went to bed.  I get so excited when I weigh in at night thinking I will be two pounds lighter by the time I get up in the morning and instead I am a pound heavier.  This has been going on now for a bout a week or two.  Well the good thing then is I am lighter in the evening when I get weighed in - right.

I am going to have to research this and get back to you.  Why do I gain weight at night?

Day 356 - Stronger?

Can you actually get stronger in  two weeks?  I didn't think it was possible, but I think I am.  Yesterday I actually was able to pull myself out of the pool.  Something that never took any thought when I was younger, but I guess you need some arm strength to do it.  Obviously not much, but still.

I should start timing, but I can't see the clock, so when I am working hard I pop up to see how fast I went and it is a guess.  I did a hundred free and thought jeez that was fast for how out of shape I am in, then realized I probably should add a minute, but I wasn't sure.  So LZ says she wears contacts, I don't have contacts, but it might be a reason to get them.  I do have prescription goggles, but they don't seem to be holding up that well.  They are leaking more and more, and they are not sealing as well as they did in the beginning.  I do have a pair of goggles that I do like, but they are not prescription and I am pretty near sighted, so there would be no way I would be able to see the clock.

And then again I went to bed weighing lighter then when I woke up.  What is up with that?  How can you gain weight during the night?  Maybe I am sleep walking and raiding the fridge in the middle of the night?  It isn't completely unheard of.  Except I don't sleep walk (well not that I am aware of .)

Oh well, enough whining (as TH quotes no whine before its time.)

Day 355 - To much work

My office is a serious health violation now, and the work just keeps piling up while I keep trying to catch up, next week I start another audit and I have three going right now.  Just chain me to my desk.

It is correct that I really shouldn't be leaving this room for any reason (swimming walking nothing) and I am not going to be able to work until I clean it up, so I guess the first thing for me to do is clean it up then work.  ACK!!!

Well enough of this fun and to work I go.