This Blog is done HAPPY BIRTHDAY K!!!!

So for those of you who didn't realize it I am done with this blog.  I set out to lose an ungodly amount of weight and I did.  I am done with this stage of my life, and now on to my new obsession.

But...there are a few more things I want to say.

When I started I was in the 99% in weight.  Putting that in perspective one in every hundred people was heavier then I was.  Hmm.  I know that is hard to fathom, at least for me it is, but it is done.  I am done.  We are done.  And now I am in the 30%.  That works just fine for me.

I am done in my head, according to my scale (which in my opinion is the only thing that counts) I am in my weight range.  But after talking to the Doc she feels I should actually get to my "normal weight" BMI.  I was a little surprised since she had told me not that long ago that she felt I was at normal weight.  Then I got to thinking maybe it just for the statistics.  But for me if I stayed at this weight for the rest of my life I would be happy.

I was told by everyone (well not T2 and T1) but everyone else that it couldn't be done.  T1 said I could do it if I just went and got weighed in on a weekly basis.  T2 said I could do it if I wanted to.  I guess I wanted.  I guess T1 was right too.

As T2 and I was discussing there wasn't a single catalyst that led me to this journey.  I didn't wake up one morning and say this is it, I woke up almost every morning saying that.  I would be lucky if I stayed on the diet for a day, and really really lucky if I stayed on it a week.

I was too ashamed to join a weight loss group.  I didn't want to be weighed.  I didn't want anyone else to know how much I weighed.  I knew - I know that if I have structure I can do almost anything.  I knew I just needed someone telling me I could eat this and I couldn't eat that.  I wanted choices taken out of my hands.  I didn't want to have to "work" that way at losing weight.  It isn't that I can't make choices, but when you are trying to do something so major, you want to make it as easy as possible.

I had thought about going away for a year, to a "fat" camp, have them pick my exercise and food, and I just have to show up.  I romanticized  about it.  How easy it would be to not worry about anything but getting healthy.  I wouldn't have to fight temptation, I wouldn't have to worry about what to eat, I wouldn't have to worry about what exercise to do, they would tell me everything, and when I was done I would be the perfect size and in the perfect health.  Still when I think about it, I still find it appealing.  Wouldn't it be fun.

But I would miss my doggies, my husband, my friends, my family (not necessarily in that order) and it just wasn't the "right" way for me to do it.

Surgery - well the doctor told me I couldn't have the surgery until I lost 10% of my weight or some such thing.  If I could lose 10% of my weight why couldn't I just lose it all.  I wasn't going to go on a diet to lose weight so I could have weight lose surgery - it didn't make sense to me.  Plus I worried about eating.  I like to eat, and the thought that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted ever again made surgery a very bad idea for me.

They have told us not to make food  a reward.  That I found is not the right way for me to look at it.  For me I like food.  There is nothing better then sitting down with my favorite drink and reading the latest news, or whatever I am doing to relax.  Certain foods are such a treat.  And I plan to enjoy those treats just as I would any other treat.  Food is not BAD.  Fattening food is not BAD.  It is just how you eat it that makes it bad.  Some fattening foods I can eat and control others I can't, so I won't eat them.  But that doesn't mean maybe someday I will be able to have a bowl of icecream.  Just not in my immediate future.

I was told not to do the program it wasn't healthy, it would only give me a short term success like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound.    I was told try losing 1 pound a week.  That is the healthy way to do it.  Don't tell someone who has close to 200 pounds to lose to be happy with losing one pound a week.  Granted that would be 52 pounds a year, but that would take me four years to lose.  As it was it took a little under two years, and that was long enough.

But even though it took two years to lose, I was back in the water in one year.  I was okay going to a public pool, and I was okay with people seeing me.  So really all the important weight lose happened in the first year.

Why did it work this time and not the other 100 times.  Structure - definitely.  Accountability - definitely.  Maybe like an addict I hit bottom.  I do remember one morning I got on the scale and thought wow, this scale doesn't get any heavier.  If I gain any more weight I won't be able to weigh myself.  But mostly I hated the way people treated me.  I was invisible.  And when I wasn't I was the butt of jokes.  No one likes being a butt.

So my next obsession is going to be the fastest 56 year old backstroker (have to give myself a couple of years to get there.)   I know THS wants me to continue with blogging, so I will be journal my obsession for THS, and anyone else who wants to read it, but it probably won't be that interesting for most of you, but feel free to read it if you want.  The blog address is tayalearnstoswim.blogspot.com

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE AROUND THE COUNTRY

peace out.




  

Day Six Hundred and ???

652

So ends this stage of the blog.  For all intents and purposes I am done with dieting, and now I am beginning transition to maintenance.  I have seven pounds to my goal weight and 7.5 pounds to being in the "normal range" but transition will take me those last seven pounds I am sure, and if transition doesn't the surgery most certainly will.  I have basically completed this stage of the weight loss, and I have to say that there is a bit of a let down.  For almost two years my whole life has been about weight loss and getting to a certain "number" a huge goal and at times it seemed to be a goal I wouldn't be able to make, but now that I have there is a sadness.

Like I have lost an old friend, one who I could always count on, that let me know that everything was normal.  This - this is like moving and losing your job, your friends, your life.  Every morning waking up and getting on the scale hoping it would be just a little less.  The excitement when it was, the frustration when it wasn't.  But it was a daily goal, something to measure my success or failure.  Now my success is just for the scale to not move.  It really is a whole different mind set.  It is much more difficult in many aspects, I am new at this, but I know my old habits.  I keep saying to myself, keep trying to lose weight then maybe you can just maintain.  But I don't want to keep that mind frame of actively loosing weight.  It ultimately is unhealthy.  It is part of the problem to begin with, so no I don't want to say "I am on a diet".

I weigh less then what I lost (I lost more then what I weigh right now) I am a freak of nature.  I am a freak that I got so heavy, I am a freak that I lost it all.  People said it couldn't be done, I said it couldn't be done, but I did it.  And to be honest, it went a little faster then I thought.  It took twenty years to put it all on, it took two years to take it all off.  I am 53 years old and I beat the odds.

Day 642 - Last week on all product

This is my last week on product and Baby T's is leaving on Friday.  T2 was right, it was a good thing that I wasn't eating, because I would have been gaining.  It was a struggle everyday with her here.  I so often wanted to just throw up my hands and join in.

Was this a good exercise or did it just increase my craving for food.  If I wasn't on this portion of the diet and if I had been eating too much the last couple of days, could I go to a restaurant and not eat?  I have seen that I can go to restaurants and not eat, but if I can eat and I shouldn't will I or won't I.  I suppose if I am with a group of people I could not eat, but if it was just me and one other I don't think I could not eat.

As I said in earlier blogs I was shoving food down Baby T's throat.  Well I mean I was offering her all the food I was forbidden to eat, and it was almost like as was trying to get rid of my craving by having someone, anyone eat it for me.

It just made it worse.

There are some foods that I just can't eat at this time (still) and one of those foods is chips.  The facilitator had said that sometimes you just have to say that you are just never going to go there, it just something you can't have.  And one of those things is chips (or off course and ice cream) but I haven't been having as big of a craving for ice cream as I have been having for chips.

Well even though I was suppose to be eating food this week - I am starting next week, and I guess that is okay.  But I wish it was week two, because then I could have a latte and fruit.  I am still hankering for that latte.  It is going to be the first thing I have August 2.  Go August 2!!!

Day 644 - Class

So we had maintenance people come to talk to the group again, and I was a wee bit shocked by what they were telling them.

First off, one person asked if they weighed their food to get the correct weight.  They all said no.  No?  No they never weighed the food, they could tell how much it was by looking at it.

To be truthful - that is not my experience.  I weighed everything.  If I was having  tuna sandwich I weighed the tuna.  I found out very quickly that the amount of tuna that I could have did not cover a two piece of bread sandwich.  If I was snacking leftovers, I weighed it, measured it somehow.  That is if I wasn't eating TFD.  I weighed TDF food because I thought that they were giving me smaller portion size then I should have been getting, and yes sometimes they did, but most of the time it was the correct portion.  Four oz of steak isn't really that much.  Two bites, okay cut it up you can get a few more bites, but really you have to cut it up pretty small.

So until you are really good at understanding portions you want to weigh when at home.  Also in a restaurant you can actually ask them for the amount of meat you want.  I don't want to take food home with me and if I can have the correct portion to begin with I don't have to cut it in half or only eat half of it.  Though honestly I did do that quite a bit.  But I also learned that the best meal to order in a restaurant was salmon.

But they also were saying that you should expect to gain some weight coming off the product.  J never gained weight, I never gained weight, others in our group didn't gain weight, you shouldn't expect to gain weight.  Dang I should be leading the group.  Follow the plan, know what you want to do and do it.

Day 643 - Today

So I am pretty much done with the diet.  I don't know if you count what the doctors scale is or your home scale when you wake up, but at this point I guess it doesn't matter so much.  Lets just say I am within ten pounds of my goal, and if I make it through transition without any major hiccups then I will have made goal.

So the question is do I want to lose an extra ten pounds?  How much is my range?  Before it was - actually I don't remember.  But last week I ate 960 calories and only lost .8 of a pound.  Does that mean if I ate 1200 calories I would gain?  I don't know.  This worries me because of course I want to eat more then 1200 calories.  I want to eat like 2000 calories.  But if my metabolism is low does that mean I will have to eat like this for the rest of my life?  Oh that would be so tragic.  I am not ready to give it all up.  Dang.

But the end is coming, and this diet blog is really coming to an end.  Because TH wants me to keep going the nature of the blog will change a slightly.  The next stage of the blog and my life is maintenance.  The struggle to keep the weight off and live a life not totally consumed or consuming food.

Day 640 - A day at the Fair

So I promised little T that I would do rides with her this year - assuming I had lost the weight.  So for the first time in over 30 years I did go for rides and I have to say it was very uncomfortable.  I am not sure what is so exciting about being thrown around in a cage.  By the time the rides were over I could barely walk.

I found that it was easiest to just keep my eyes closed, but I was not a silent rider.  I used to be, but I spent the entire rides saying oh shit ouch oh shit.  Finally baby T told me to stop saying shit.  Oh well, it hurt.

So maybe I fit in the rides, but they definitely are made for people smaller then me.  I felt large and overflowing, and I thought that I always wanted to go to Disney land, but now I am not so sure.  Rides are definitely for the young.  I had Disney land on my bucket list but it just came off.

It was nice to have people ask if I was going on the rides.  Before they would take one look at me and pray I didn't get in line because I wouldn't fit.  Now the would try and cajole me on.  But really folks it isn't fun.

Day 641 - Food food everywhere food

I am getting pretty good about sitting at restuarants and watching other people eat.  And when we go grocery shopping I am good about getting everything I would love to eat, but can't.

But at this point in time I am so craving chips.  I bought like seven different bags of chips, all of which I would love to devour.  T2 said it was probably best that I wasn't eating while baby T is here, and I am thinking that she is probably right.

It seems to be getting worse everyday.  I am so tired of not eating that I sometimes just think that I will cave and go crazy.  Have a binge to end all binges.  Why or why am I doing this.

Then I realize that as much as I would want to eat, it is just that.  I want to eat.  I don't need to eat, I am not even sure if I did eat that I would enjoy it.  If I take a step back and think about eating those chips and what I would ultimately feel like afterwards I am sure that the idea of eating them is more enticing then the actual eating.  I also am not sure that one or two would stave off the craving.  Only a bag, maybe two would do that for me.  No it is good that I am not eating.

Day 632-639 - How can you disrespect me I am not fat.

So for all these years I have blamed not getting jobs, and people disrespecting me on my weight.  So when it happened last week I was like is this for real?  I am an intelligent professional and you are talking to me like I am some kind of moron.  And I know you are not doing it because you think I am fat and stupid.  So what am I to blame this on?

For twenty years I have blamed not getting a job, or people arguing with me on something to be attributed to my weight.  Or people don't want to talk to me because I am fat and ugly.  Well at my age ugly doesn't matter, so when people still don't talk with me I have to reevaluate the reason for this.

I hate confrontation, and I hated confrontation when I was heavy more then anything.  I was always waiting for some rude SOB to say "and furthermore your a fat pig."  Cut me to the quick.  Hurt my feelings.  I didn't want to ever go there because I never wanted to put myself in that position that that would be said to me.

So when I found myself arguing with some jerk, I started to go down a different path, one that I was wrong and he was right.  I started to doubt my knowledge and ability and I felt well less.  It was eye opening that I felt this way and I wasn't attributing it to my weight.  I did not like feeling less, and I really didn't like feeling less without having something "inconsequential" so to speak to fall back on.

So I am insecure, but I don't want to think of myself as having some defect in my intellect or personality, I would rather have the defect caused because I was too fat, and if only I could lose the weight then I wouldn't have that defect anymore.  Guess what - the weight had nothing to do with it.

Without that weight to accuse for my many downfalls, I find myself having to look myself in the eye and say it is you.  I can't say that my only flaw is that I am overweight.  I  guess I am flawed but this is just to much to process.  I am just beginning to understand the weight thing, now I have to look at something else.  ACK.      

Day 631 - Day 639 interlude

I have been entertaining little T and I have not been blogging, but it is pretty much the same ole same ole.  I watch people eat, I buy all the food I want to eat and shove it down little T's throat, vicarious pleasure and all.

But I made it through dinners out, picnics, BBQ's and more dinners out.  I have watched people eat indian, Thai, Italian, and wonderful yummy steaks.  But the hardest I would have to say was the chips.  I so wanted to just grab the bag of chips and eat them all in one sitting.

Other items I haven't exercised (well we did go for two bike rides and a couple of walks) but I haven't swum since June.  I tried to swim today but it just wasn't going to happen.  But oh well.

I also found out today that because we missed the fourth of July they are not counting that week as a week so we are actually doing an extra week of product.  I know I know just another way to milk an extra $100 bucks out of us.

I don't know if I can do that extra week.  I really thought that we were going to start the 18th.  BLAH.

Day 630 - Emotions

This struggle with my weight has been going on for more then half my life.  As I get closer to the weight I want to be I remember back in high school when I weighed this amount and everyone called me fat.  Fat/big what have you.  I only got to get new store bought clothes once growing up and I remember  the clerk saying I was a big girl.  I always thought that is why my mom never bought me new clothes, because I was too big.  It is amazing how a single throw away comment can hurt a young child.

I was a big girl.  I swam.  My legs were big, my thighs were big, my hips were big.  But I wasn't fat.  I know that, I see that in the pictures, but I thought I was and that was enough.  But did poor body image make me fat?  No of course not.  But it did lend to my having a ridiculous idea of how much I should weigh and what I should be able to fit into.  My ideal goal was to weigh 120 pounds.  I thought that was what I should weigh, and what everyone thought I should weigh.  The fact that I was in size 14 at the age of 14 was embarrassing,  but not as embarrassing then what I was at two years ago.  

I am, as I have said before, tired of the weight game.  I am tired of waiting for the scale to go down, I am tired of the whole shebang.  It is exhausting to have so much of your self worth wrapped up in your weight.  And all my energy is gone.  I have no more energy.  I don't have energy to move or swim or hike or ride.  The low calorie diet has taken it all from me.  I am tired in more ways then one.  I am not doing this again.  Ever.  I am done - forever.  I am never ever going to go on an extended liquid diet no matter what.  Done.  Finis.  Over.

Day 629 - Last Goal

Finally I made it.  I am on my last goal,  I have no more mini goals, this is it.  It is official I am now in the 49% of weight for my age group.  I am indeed average now.  Unbelievable!!!  So 15 more pounds and I will have met my goal.  The weight that I would be happy to maintain, to strive to be at, to be content.  No longer do I want to weigh 125 or 135 or even 145.  I am content with the weight I chose, now I just hope that I can finish the last 15 pounds.  Three more weeks on product and transition.  I hope I make it.  I really do.

So I wasn't expecting to get weighed in today, so I wasn't wearing my weigh in clothes.  Maybe they are a bit lighter then my regular clothes I don't know, but now that I have done it it is done, so I guess I don't have to keep wearing those weigh in clothes, but...

I also didn't have time to dehydrate myself before weigh in.  I really wasn't expecting to get weighed in.  Just grab my food and go.  But I am glad that I did because I am now truly on the final stage.

Day 628 - I used to be "fluffy"

Baby T was looking at my Telluride photo and said OMG you used to be really fluffy.  - Fluffy?  I guess that is new tween talk for big.  She had used it a couple of times he has fluffy hair, he is fluffy, but I didn't quite know what she meant.

Fluffy does sound better then fat or obese or morbidly obese, fluffy, yes it is a softer gentler term for big.  I could live with some one calling me fluffy.  And so you learn how words can hurt.  When I first heard someone tell me I was morbidly obese I felt like crawling inside and never coming back out, but fluffy, fluffy I could take.  Does that mean that the younger generation is gentler and???

So Fluffy I am fluffy I will be.  Long live fluffy.

Day 627 - Seeing if I can blog on my ipad

I have this keyboard that I bought for my Ipad so I am checking it out to see if I will be able to blog during my trip to india. I haven't quite got the hang of writing without the keyboard, so this might be the best solution. Heavier then just ipad, but it seems to be working, so I don't think I will need to bring a computer - Yay~~~

I thought that this was going to be very hard and I was right. Baby T likes to eat everything I like, and so many times I just want to grab the chips or the steak right out of her hand. I have those moments where I say

I am not losing anything so why stick to it, but then I think just three more weeks and I can actually chew something. Three more weeks and I will have done the product twice. Twice without cheating. Twice. Wow

I wasn't really sure that I would be able to do it two times, but it looks like I might make it. The other day I was so hungry that I drank an extra product thinking what the hell what would it hurt to have an extra product. I had almost talked myself into it, then at the end of the day I just couldn't go through with it, so I ended up not having my soup. So tomorrow is week 15, 91 days on product, we are closing in.

Day 626- Paddle boats anyone

Dang I really am out of shape.  We went on a paddle boat and it completely and utterly exhausted me.  Baby   T wanted to do a row boat, but I put my finger down on that.

I still haven't lost any weight in fact I am up a pound and I am getting more and more frustrated.  I see the doctor next week, but that isn't going to do any good since we are soon going to be going off product.  I now have 19 pounds to lose.  Frustrating.  Very.

And not being able to do the paddle boat was even more frustrating.  Oh well on to something else.

Day 625 - Bridge to Bridge Cruise

Woke up today and did not gain any more weight - at least it stopped going up.  And I got to cross off another day.  With Baby T here I am trying to keep her fed and happy, but a morning gal she is not.  In fact she is very difficult in the morning, she doesn't become charming until well after three pm and by that time I am exhausted.

But we went on a bay cruise and it was so foggy we couldn't even see the Golden Gate Bridge until we were actually under it.  And I decided to stand outside and froze my tushy off and then I couldn't get warm for the rest of the day.  Sunday is swimming day, but I might be able to swim because I don't know what we are doing.

I do also have to say that the cruise was a little anticlimactic,  I was hoping it would have been a little different, but I am not sure what I expected.   But Baby T was getting hungry I could tell, but when I asked her if she was ready for lunch she said she wasn't hungry.  So I said okay.  She wanted a sweat shirt, a ring and a bracelet.  So we bought all of that for her, then she was like where are we going.  Taking a note out of her book I choose not to answer.  She was tired wanted to go home.  But dang if we got home she would be bored and asking what are we going to do.  So she whined and we got to where we were going and found the lines way to long, so I asked her why she was whining.  She was hungry and she wanted crab.

So we put food in her and miracle of miracles she stopped whining.  That girl has a serious low blood sugar issue.

But I was right the minute we got home it was can we go to the beach.  We just spent the whole day on the waterfront and she wanted to go to the beach at six pm.  Of course I took her to the beach, but I was still very cold and it was a bit of a misery for me.

Well Sunday is a new day.

Day 624 - Insult to injury

I have been feeling really down with my weight loss and then the other night my dog decides that she would rather sleep with Baby T then with me.  In fact all she wants to do is hang out with baby T and not me.  I am depressed and sad now on both counts.  I can't believe my girl loves someone more then me.

But it does make my heart sing to see how happy she is when she is with Baby T.  I only wish I could make her as happy.

Another day with more of a weight gain.  I am getting a little worried now.  I can understand a plateau, but why would I be gaining weight.  This is not normal.  Maybe I have some illness that makes you gain weight?  I just don't know.

Day 623 - Weight gain?

So I have had a weight gain the last couple of days.  I am following the program but I seem to be a a real plateau.  I can't get off this one.  I am afraid that I will not lose weight and I can only eat 970 calories to maintain my weight.  Now that would really suck.

I used to poo-poo people who said that they didn't lose any weight.  How can not lose weight and be on this program?  That is impossible.  I am feeling really down.  I go to restaurants and watch people eat, I sit at home and watch people eat, everywhere I go I see people eating, but I can't eat, and yet I am not losing weight.  I am very very discouraged.  I have 17.7 pounds to lose and I went up two pounds this morning.  It is like my body doesn't want me to get any lower, but I actually have 18.7 pound to lose if I don't want to be overweight anymore.  What is a girl to do.

It is calories in calories out - right?  I usually am at a calorie deficit, so what is up with this?  970 calories in 1200 calories out I should be losing 4-6 pounds  a week.  I am so sad.  

Day 622 - I have enough clothes to wear something new every day

However, none of them fit anymore.  I have already thrown away hundreds of clothes, but I am hesitant to throw the rest away.  I am not sure why.  I know I can always buy new clothes and I just bought the clothes because I had to have clothes, but I never felt any looked good so...

But I have some that still have the price tag on.  I just never got around to wearing it. And now I think well...maybe later.  I hope not but...but...but...

Day 621 - Wow really

This is the third day that I got the same comment.  When someone saw how much I lost they said yes but you know most people can't do it.  But that is not my experience.  I think most people can do it, but it just is a matter of can they keep it off.  It isn't losing the weight that is the issue, but the keeping the weight off.  Come back in five years and congratulate me, that will be the big accomplishment.

But I want to know does this two years count or do I have to lose all the weight for it to count.  30 weeks, about eight months I spent on product, with a year in between.  I don't know, but...I am going to count it.  When I hit two years (my birthday) and I haven't gained it back they say most people can then keep it off five years.  One year at a time I guess.

But this week is really really a bad week.  I spent the morning running up and down the stairs because I couldn't believe that the scale was the exact same as it was last week.  So I am afraid that this will really be the first time that I have been on the diet that I won't lose any weight during the week.  I got out the tape measure in hopes that maybe it would be inches I lost, but not that either.  I won't be weighed again for another two weeks, so let us hope that I will have a really big drop in two weeks.  Lets hope.

Day 620 - Clothes

So I had a meeting with a client today, so I was going to put on the clothes that I had gotten through my habit.  The clothes that I was so proud to be wearing a normal 18.  I figured yea they might be a little big, but they should be alright.

So I put on the top and jacket and was a bit disappointed that they weren't looser.  But it was okay, they were a bit bigger then the last time I wore them but not as much as I had thought.

Then I put on the pants.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  My expensive suit was unwearable.  The pants were so loose that they came down around my hips and there was a good foot of pant on the floor.  On top of that I could have fit both legs into one pant leg.  It was just too big.  I wore that outfit less then 3 months ago and it fit fine.

It is true that I have lost some weight since last I wore those pants, but when I started this journey my other clothes weren't that big when I had lost this amount of weight.  I know the doctor said you take off in the order you put on, so I am guessing that most of the first weight that I gain must be in my hips and legs.

Further, we are at that point where people who saw me just a little ago, see me now and think I have lost it all in the last three months.  Wow you have lost a lot of weight.  Well you saw me a couple of months ago, didn't you notice then?  No - no you weren't this light.  No but I wasn't that heavy, geez you just saw me...

There is something about perception.  You hit a point and people notice, but before that point they can tell, but unless you show a picture they don't have a clue what you have done.  Oh well.

I know everyone is waiting for the before and after pictures.  I promise I will post them in two months when I get the last picture.  They said that they are going to do before after before after.  So I will share.

Day 619 - Swimming - again

Well after not swimming for a week I was a bit out of it when I swam on Friday, but for some reason the pool I swam in on Friday seems to be a slow pool.  So I just worked on stroke and left it at that.

On Sunday I went to Bakar, and again I felt inadequate.  I am not sure if I will ever get better then where I am at now or not, but I certainly wasn't there yesterday.  I may not be the fastest swimmer in the pool, but I have always thought that I have the best back stroke in the pool, until yesterday.  And it would have to a girl.  So pretty (her stroke), and so fast.  She just flew down the lane and nobody could catch her.  I have always said when someone swims correctly there is not a pretty sport.

I have wondered if I had proper training if I would have been faster.  So as I had said long ago in this blog, maybe with proper training I can get to where I was 37 years ago.  Truth is too much time has passed.  I probably am as fast as I will ever be, and I might as well get used to the idea that I just ain't that fast no more.  

Day 618 - Yikes!!!

So at group the other night the facilitator was saying that we are in week 13 and we start to transition in week 17 - that is only four weeks.  But -  I thought the product was 16 weeks, but looking back it is only 15 weeks.  So I really only have four more weeks, but I won't lose all the weight in four weeks.  Well I won't lose it all in five weeks either, but I was more prepared for the five weeks rather then the four weeks.

That is just to soon.  I am not ready to transition.  No no no.  I haven't bought my three ounces of chicken and broccoli yet.  I don't want to transition yet.  I want to lose another 20 pounds.  I have another 20 pounds to lose.  I haven't even hit my second to last goal yet.  I can't transition yet.  It is just to soon.  How can they do this to me.

I am worried.

Day 617 - Out to dinner again?

I went out to dinner again, and again only had diet pop, but I am getting used to not ordering.  So...we must just go forward and hope for the best in the end.

As T1 says I have quit talking about the diet and now am only talking about how much time I have left.  Five weeks and I will once more get to have three ounces of chicken and vegetables.  I remember last time how I savored those three ounces of chicken and how much I enjoyed it ... for a second.  Then all other flavors came rushing in, and I gave up on the veggies, but I kept true to the meat.  We all know now that meat is very caloric, right up there with some of my favorites deserts.

Lucky me, now just one more hurdle and I will be forever what?  Watching my weight.

I don't think I have made it clear how scared I am about this next process - step.  I am terrified.  I want this to end, but at the same time I don't want to give up the crutch of the product.  I know I can't stay on it forever and the scary part is I really don't want to.  I have been saying to myself that I will try and lose another 30 pounds so I will continue to watch what I eat, and if I do that than I can keep it under control.  Maybe if I lower my goal weight and keep trying to lose the weight then I will be able to maintain?

Scary days ahead.  

Day 616 - Fear of failing

So there is five more weeks, and the group is beginning to freak out a bit about the transition.  Me too for that matter.  I found how easy it was to just gain a bunch of weight really really quickly (when I decided to redo the program I went on a binge sort of and gained like five pounds in a week.)

It is going to be close to two years, but can I keep it off.  Can I maintain?  Can I change my habits?  Can I eat correctly?  I don't know.  I do know that I don't want to go back to were I was, and now that I have lost another 36 pounds I don't want to go back up to where I was before I lost the last bit of weight.  But am I going to be able to keep control?  It got hard towards the end last time.  Will every day be a struggle?  Will I start having the creep?  Will I develop tomorrowitis?

When on just product food is all encompassing.  Everything looks good one moment and the next you can't care less.  You change from minute to minute, and you realize that that probably how it was before the diet as well.  One moment your absolutely craving something and the next not at all.  I know that I eat out of boredom.  I know that I like to eat.  I know that even though there are times that I am bored while on this diet I am committed to the program, so I know that desire to eat will pass.

But what happens when I don't have to let it pass.  What happens when I want to eat something and I don't want to wait to see if I will get over it.  Who am I going to call?  Ghost busters?

I said that I wasn't going to diet after this part, but I think I need to adjust my thinking.  I am not going to have to lose weight, but I am going to have to watch, just like I do now.  I am going to have to know that I can't binge, that I can't lose control, and that I am prone to obesity.  That it is both cultural and genetic.  I have to fight it harder then some, well probably most.  It isn't my excuse, it is my reality.  The reality, I need to keep all the weight off for two years - all of it off.

I freaked out a little when B told me that when I go off this I will probably gain five to ten pounds immediately.  What???!!!  Why would I gain five to ten pounds immediately?  No no no.  I am not losing this weight and putting myself through this hell just so I can gain back five to ten pounds.  Don't tell me I am going to gain it back please.  Don't tell me to hang on to my fat clothes.  Don't tell me I need to reorder my seat belt extender.  Let me maintain this weight, let me keep this weight off.  Let me someday not be obsessed with weight and weight loss.  Please.  I just want to enjoy food and enjoy life without having this always hanging over my head.  

Day 615 - Weigh in

I was walking to group yesterday and I had to stop at a light and so I put my hand on my hip while I waited for the light to change and I found that I had a hard lump on my side.  I started to freak out a bit thinking that it was some kind of hard tumor, and so I am standing at the street corner probably looking really weird as I am feeling along my side.  I found that it had grown into my back as well and I was ready to write out my will.  Call TH tell him I had found a huge tumor and all, but then I put my other hand on my other hip and found the exact same tumor.  Then I realized it wasn't a tumor but my pelvis.

I haven't felt my bones in a very long time.  I suppose they were in there, but I forgot that most people can feel them.  It isn't something that I expected.  I really forgot - really - that you should be able to feel your bones.  That people can also probably feel their ribs, collar bone, well most any bone in there body.  But when you are as obese as I was, I never was able to feel them.  I forgot.  What a shock.  I can feel my bones.  (Okay to be honest I can't feel my ribs, but I felt my pelvis)  And I know that means that I have lost about all the weight I can around my hips.  So maybe next weight loss will be my stomach?  One can only hope that I will be able to feel my ribs by the time this is said and done.  On ward ho...

Day 614 - Tuesday - new worries

So now I have one more hurdle to get over.  My niece.  She is coming.  And she loves junk food.  And I have always had it available for her.

Part of "our" thing is to go to the wharf and have a big crab lunch.  We also have the tradition of when she gets here that we always go to Chevy's and then hit the mall.  I love Chevy's especially the chips and dip.  Can I take her there and not be tempted?  Can I make it through the next three weeks and not "cheat" "go off plan" "practice maintenance" with her here?  I don't know.  I am planning picnics in the park (kind of a fantasy of mine to go to Stern grove listen to the concert and have a picnic) but I can't have the picnic.  Taking her to high tea.  Picnic at Lake Chabot.  Everything is about food.  I think this is going to be harder then any of my other challenges.  Holy Smokes Batman.  Wish me luck.

613 - Monday home again tra la la

So we got home in one piece, and I am happy to say that I made the trip there and back on coach.  But no food.  Nothing - they didn't even offer peanuts.  So no worries on that side.

I haven't really exercised (unless you count walking) for the last few days, and I was not up to it when I got home.  But we did do a lot of walking in Las Vegas, so I wasn't really worried about it.  I like to walk.  It clears the head and I feel more a part of the world walking rather then be holed up in some room or house.  Even if I don't interact I still feel part of the world.  Walking is nice.

But I was really worried about this trip.  I was worried how I would handle the food situation.  How I would handle everyone eating but not me.  Ultimately it was okay, but maybe if I hadn't been worrying about it it wouldn't have been okay.  Oh who know - but at least it is over.  And hopefully this is the last trip I will ever take were I can't eat the food.

Day 612 - Sunday Las Vegas

So Sunday was the big brunch day.  Food is still on my mind, and I was ready to be miserable at brunch, but again -  lousy hotel lousy food.  The food was not appetizing at all and I mean at all.  There would be no way that I would give up my diet for that food - ever.

So we were almost done with the trip and I hadn't had any desires to go off plan.  I hadn't been tempted to take a bite, a sniff, I didn't even enjoy looking at the food (and I love looking at food - I periodically will grab a cookbook and just look at the pictures I guess much like a man looks at playboy - oh right they are reading the articles - well I am reading the recipes.)

The closest I came to wanting to try something was when we were having drinks and chips.  I really really love chips and guacamole and I wouldn't have minded some chips and dip, but again not enough to  give up the twelve weeks I have already put in to lose this last unloseable weight.

I need to start preparing myself for this transition that is going to take place in five weeks, but really I don't think I am going to think about it until the week before.  We are on week 13 - 77 days of basically a 112 day fast.

So we are coming to the end of the Las Vegas weekend and I thought it would be really hard but happily I found it not so bad.  It just goes to show that food really isn't everything, and you don't need to eat to be part of the group.  Nobody really tried to pressure me into eating (except of course my father but that is another story) so I guess the trip was a success.  Viva Las Vegas.

Day 611- Saturday Las Vegas

The first night the food didn't bother me any, it looked like crap, so I had no problem staying away from it.  It was a surprise since the last time I was in Las Vegas I found the food really good, but like I said we were staying at a dive so the food matched the venue.

I am hoping that this is the last time I am going to have to listen to people talk about my weight.  Now everyone has seen me I don't need to worry about the "weight" talk again.  It is what it is, and now it is done.

However, on a sad note we went to look for papa's fathers day present and while we were there I wanted to get a shirt for me.  Thinking I could now fit in "regular clothes" I picked up a couple of extra large shirts and bought them.  Big mistake.  They were way to tight, and showed all my rolls and rolls of fat.  I really thought I would be an extra large.  Bummer.

The food still sucked and we had a brunch of pastries and juice, but the pastries looked stale, and not appetizing at all, so again there was no temptation when it came to the food.  Even dinner with everyone having steak I wasn't interested in it I just don't like filet's that much so even that did not interest me.  So far the food has not been an issue.

Day 610 - Friday off to Las Vegas

So we are off to the family reunion.  And we are flying  ---- coach.  Yikes scary that.  So we got on the plane and I sat down expecting to find the seat tight, but luckily it wasn't.  In fact I fit in the seat just fine, it was the leg room that I had none of.

I have never felt so scrunched in my life.  How do people do that?  I hate coach.  I tried it, and I hate it.  I really don't think I could have done that for more then a couple of hours.  I am seriously reevaluating whether or not I am going to fly coach ever again.  I am lucky I didn't get a blood clot or some such thing.  Blah.

But the seat belt did fit around me, and I did not need an extender, and the tray came down (yes in coach the tray is on the back of the seat in front of you.)  Blah blah blah.

I used to have nightmares that I would get to the airport and not have my extender and I wouldn't fit into the seat and they would kick me off the plane and I would be stuck in whatever airport I ended up in.  It is nice to know I don't have to fly first class, that it is a choice now, but not much of a choice.

So the weekend starts off, and my main concern of course is how am I going to handle the food situation.  I checked my suitcase so I could bring my product along and when we got to the divey hotel I went looking for the refrigerator only to find the room had none.  I had a bit of a hissy fit since I can't not abide those drinks warm/room temperature what have you.  They are undrinkable unless they are cold.  So we gave up the room for a room with a fridge.  The room we got was even divier then the original room, but at least I had a fridge.  But it wasn't the best "start".

Day 609 - Early to bed late to rise

So without the TV (our bedroom is torn apart) I have to read before bed instead of watch tv.  So I actually end up going to bed earlier, but I haven't been getting up earlier.  The pool in which I go early in the morning has age group swimming starting at 8 am, so my 7:30 swim would be cut short for the age group swimming.  If I want to swim at Brisbane I will have to fight the 6:30 crowd, and I can't even get myself up that early to fight them.

So it was off to Bakar.  There are strong days and weak days, today was more on the strong side, but I feel my left arm hurting, so I know that maybe I felt to strong?  I am getting faster at the catch up.  But I don't think that is the point of catch up.  It is very tiring.

Day 608 - Waiting waiting waiting

I realized sadly that I am waiting.  I am waiting until I am done with this phase of the diet, I am waiting to go to India, I am waiting to...basically my life is on hold for the moment.  And how many moments am I going to have?  My life is not getting longer at each waiting period, but still I just want to get through the day so I can be that much closer to tomorrow. 

Before I started to diet I was really more in the moment.  I would worry about the diet tomorrow, today I was just going to enjoy myself.  Today I had no goals but today.  So now it has turned around a little.  Today I have no goals but tomorrow.  I want tomorrow to hurry up and come, so I can enjoy today. 

I need to find a way to enjoy today, to not worry about tomorrow because it won't come, and I will be waiting at the bus stop where there is no bus stop and I will be waiting waiting waiting. 

Oh well I can almost cross off today.

Day 607 - Fun in the sun

So I went swimming yesterday in the hot hot sun, and I worried about was that I was going to get burned.  I have a tan right now, but I remember when I was a kid there was this woman who I babysat for who was always sunbathing and she had the dryest looking skin and all I could think about was I didn't want to end up like her.  But I always forget to put on sunscreen, and I am not real sure there is any thing that really is water proof.  Plus I hate getting into filmy water.  And if everyone who sunscreen then their would be this fine film over the water.  Yuck.

But other than that swimming did not go so well.  I feel like I am doing ground hogs day.  I get in the water with the best intentions, and I end up getting out with being tired but not like I did a really hard work out.  When I try to do it my mind just shuts down and I crash.  Oh well.

So because I didn't get out to bike last week, I decided that I would do the exercise bike.  I am really strong and I can go hard and long.  Hah!!!  I put it were I used to train when I was going to ride down the coast and I ended up quitting a third of the way through.  I think I even hurt my leg.  So I am not as strong as I thought I was, I have to start at the beginning.  Yuck again.

Day 606 - Cheating

Well I found out that most everybody in our new group cheated last week.  Okay not everybody, I think there were three of us who didn't let anything but product and water pass our lips.

This program is not cheap, and it surprises me that people actually keep coming when they are really unwilling to do the program.  The truth is it takes very little discipline to do it.  Really, we aren't given any choices and we are given a balanced food, so there is no craving for other foods.  Well to be more specific maybe there are wantings, but not cravings.

Excuses galore.  And some people take what they talk about in group and make that their excuse for straying from the program.  We have talked alot about being emotional eaters, and so when someone strays it is because they had an "emotional" meltdown.  Life is too stressful, my coworkers yelled at me, my family has issues, my dad doesn't love me...yadyadyad.

My favorite of course is one that was in both groups though.  I don't want to be beautiful.  I am so afraid of looking good.  The fat is my wall to keep people away.  ???

For most people who say that it just is pyschobabble.  I mean really you are afraid of losing weight because your afraid that you will be too beautiful.  Yea keep telling yourself that.  Here is another truth - I am afraid to lose the weight because I will find that I am not beautiful and I won't change who I am so I won't have everyone flocking to me.

Many people who are unhappy think that losing weight will make them happy.  And in some cases it will if you are losing for the right reasons.  I was unhappy being overweight because I couldn't do anything.  The weight actually hampered my life and I wanted to be able to do whatever I wanted without having to worry if my weight would constrain me.  But others think that it will change their personality.  You are who you are, with or without the weight.  Accept that, and maybe losing weight will be easier.

Day 605 - I didn't mean to be disingenuous

So I went swimming at Bakar today, and I like to swim in the far lane.  I don't know just like being close to the wall.  So the guy in the lane was going like a bat out of hell, but I didn't think I would get in his way, and anyway it was the only open lane.

So it started getting busier and so the life guard came and told the guy he had to get out of the slow lane and move into the fast lane.  Your too fast here.  So I was left in the slow lane feeling well slow.  

Then after a while it got busier so the life guard told us we had to circle.  I was like okay I will circle, but then the people started doing breast stroke and I was doing freestyle so obviously I passed them up.  But I passed them mid pool, because there wasn't anyone coming down the other side and it is just like passing a car you speed up and pass and get back in lane.  No big deal.  Well I guess it was a big deal.  You are not suppose to pass anyone except at the wall.  So I was suppose to what - walk to the wall hope they will stop and let me pass?  I have enough savvy to know how to pass someone.  But I was told that was a big no no.

But then to top off insult to injury, I was swimming circle and the one doing breast stroke got out, but I wasn't aware that she had left the lane, so I come barrelling down and nearly crash into the other person in the lane who tells me that we are splitting the lane because the other person got out.  You know you don't start splitting a lane until everyone is aware of the change.   Bah humbug.

Then as I was getting out I got yelled at again by the life guard (well okay got spoken to sternly) that the wall lanes are the slow lanes and I should be in the next lane over.  I explained to him that I was slow and I was in the right lane, but the person in the lane with me was doing breast stroke which is really really slow.  But he said no you are not slow - more medium to fast.  I mumbled that I was slow and asked him what lane he would like me to swim in next time.

When I left I felt like maybe he thought I was being disingenous, looking for a compliment, but really I am slow.  How can I possible think that doing 1:50 in the hundred as fast or even medium.  I did repeats at 1:15, I can't even do 1:15 at a full out sprint, so yea I am slow, but maybe not as slow as some of the other people in the pool, just for me.  And the guy I was swimming with lapped me three times in a 400.  Now who is slow?

Day 604 - Have you lost weight?

So at swimming the other day a woman came up to me and asked if I had lost weight.  When I said I had she asked how much.  When I told her she asked if the surgery was bad.  Huh?  I guess some people think you can only lose that much weight through surgery.

But I have only lost about 40/45 pounds since starting at Brisbane pool.  The loss has been gradual except for the last twenty pounds.  So what is the new threshold of noticeability now? I am guessing 30 pounds, but I don't have anyone new to produce myself to to see if that is the case.  Oh well.

T2 made a good point.  I am actually looking forward to a time when my weight is not the conversation starting point (unless of course I want it to be).  I don't mind talking to family and friends, but strangers and acquaintances not so much.  I am learning though to just say thank you and move on.  Though it is hard.  I want to justify the weight lose.  Or say things like I still have a lot to go, but now I know it is time to just say thank you and let it be.

Day 603 - I could never do this again.

For fear of repeating myself I will anyway.  If I started at the weight that I started at today, I could not do this again.  I have about 25 more pounds to lose and I have seven more weeks on the product.  I am not losing any weight this week - I am not sure why, but I did not do anything wrong, so it is just something I have to accept.  This week zero weight loss.  Maybe next week I will make up for it with 6 pounds.  But the point is I was never a big loser.  Even at the start I only averaged about 3.5 pounds a week so we know that my metabolism is not the best working thing on the block.  But if there was a famine I would survive.

I look back to the beginning and think of my desperation to take the weight off.  Different ideas coursed through my head, surgery, being left on a deserted island, checking myself into a weight loss camp.  In fact it was the latter that I was seriously considering.  If I didn't have any distractions and if I didn't have to worry about what I ate then I could lose the weight.  But leaving my family for six months to a year made me a little sad.

However, when all is said and done, that is pretty much what I did except I did it at home.  I never had to think about what I ate, I didn't really have any say in what I ate.  In a sense.  I mean it was my choice to stay on it or not, but I didn't have to choose the food, I didn't have to think can I eat just one?  It is the downfall of all diets really.  Deciding how much to eat.  If you stay strictly on a diet you have to strictly measure everything you eat. You can't guess - because 9 times out of 10 you will be wrong.  I don't know how many times last year that I weighed out tuna salad for a sandwich and thought dang that doesn't even cover the bread.  I guess that is why I only used one slice of bread.  I slice of bread and a serving of tuna salad was 400 calories - imagine that.  But before I would use two slices of bread probably three servings and cheese.  That would have put that sandwich well over a thousand calories.  And yet that is a normal serving.

There are low cal foods that I love, like Aloo gobi, naan, actually most vegetarian indian dishes that aren't made with cream are okay, and I do love Indian food.

I just can't wait til I can eat again.

Day 602 - Swimming in the baby pool

So I kept with my swim schedule, but I have to say swimming in GV doesn't quite feel like I am "working" out.
But lately nothing really does.  I feel lucky if I finish up my planned workout.  As the weeks go by instead of getting easier it is getting harder.  Gone are the days that I swim until my legs cramp up.  I can't swim that long. In fact I only really have energy for "normal" activities.  I think that is why they talk about walking so much.  I can walk.  Walking is easy.

But I am determined to keep swimming even if I have no progress.  I am working on that stroke, but...only time will tell.  I may never be destined to compete again.  I am not sure that I am okay with that.

Day 601 - Clothes talk

I got excited this weekend because I found a pair of shorts that I think my daughter in law left and I tried them on and they fit.  They were an XL, but I think it was normal size XL, so maybe - just maybe I am in regular sizes now.

So when I got home I have one box left of smaller clothes (I got rid of them all except for this one box) and I tried some of them on.  Problem is they don't seem to be able to get over my chest.  So this last 25 pounds I am assuming is going to come off my mid torso?  I hope so, but who knows.

I say that because I have always had big hips, but there measurements are about what I am usually.  Now I still have a huge stomach, but I don't think that is going to disappear until I have the surgery.  I have wondered if all that whatever it is on my stomach is skin or one big fat deposit.  I don't remember having such a big stomach before, but it looks like fat to me, so hopefully most of it is and it will come off?  I don't know - who knows until I see the doctor, then we will find out. 

But if I have as much loose skin as that guy who lost a hundred pounds and had ten pounds of loose skin, maybe I am closer to my goal then I thought.  Well it was worth a try.

Day 600 - Wow almost two years

So I am sitting here trying to think of things to keep my mind off food.  Is it time for my bar yet.  I am not going to eat one for at least another hour, but I am so looking forward to it.  What can I do to keep myself occupied for the next hour?

I went for a bike ride on Thursday and I made it up a hill.  It wasn't a steep hill but as I was peddling up it I was cursing T2.  Why you ask, well because I talked her into a bike ride in Bhutan, and now I have to actually be able to ride the damn bike.  Why does she have to be so adventurous?    Why couldn't she say, oh gee T3 that looks like it is just too much work, lets go on a cruise instead.  Bah humbug.

But there are other things I have noticed recently.  A negative change  - I have been being nasty for no reason.  I am not even feeling nasty, but the words just come flying out and I think what???  That was just nasty.  I have been nasty recently to TH and I couldn't believe it. Why would I do that when he has been nothing but supportive and caring?

So I am thinking that it is chemical.  I think I have low blood sugar and that makes me cranky.  But...it is uncalled for and I know that I can handle it better then that.  I am going to take care and not let my irritation fall on other people.   I am sorry TH forgive me?  Maybe it is best I just don't talk until I can eat again.

Day 599 - I am not that unique

A poster child I am not.  I have said before I like reading other peoples blogs and compare them to my weight loss, see the similarities and differences.  So reading others blogs their are some differences in age.  Most of the people who have large weight losses are younger/20/30's I guess it is more about looks for them then anything else at that age.  Looking for a mate, tired of being an outcast, lonely and sad.

You have to have something to motivate you, but you also need something to keep you interested in keeping the weight off.  To lose weight to look good isn't going to sustain the weight loss through middle and old age.  It might not even sustain it through the next year.  I think if I had some goal some idea what I wanted to do physically before I gained the weight  - maybe I would have had less of a weight gain.  Who knows.  I am just thankful that I am still "young enough" to be able to move around the country.  That I can see and do things that I didn't think that I would be able to do.  I am excited about traveling now.  As I get "fitter" I worry less about certain aspects of travel, and knowing that the heft of my body won't keep me from enjoyment of the trip.

For instance when we go to India, I am okay with the idea of riding a camel or elephant, because I don't think they will say memsahib to big can't ride.  I was watching the movie set in India, and I saw two people get into a bicycle rickshaw, and thought I am not as big as the guy in the movie, I could get in one of those.  Maybe they could actually peddle me around.   Or not.  But it is there, and in a couple of weeks I will be on an airplane flying coach.  Not sure if I will fit in a coach seat, but we will find out.

Day 598 - Last time I was this weight

I remember this weight well, because I had to buy a dress for my little sisters wedding, and I just cried because I couldn't fit into anything smaller then an 18.  I couldn't believe that I had gotten so large and so sad that I had to buy a dress a size 18.  I was shamed.   And I didn't want to tell anyone that I was in a size 18.

Now?  Now I am basically telling the world what size I am.  But I have come to accept I will never - and I mean never be in single digits.  I never was when I got to my lowest weight, the lowest dress size I could fit in was a size 10.  So some people can be 0 and 1's I will always be a 14.  Probably.  But who knows when they take out a rib and shave down my pelvis maybe I will be a size 2.

But a lot of pride? is wrapped up in your dress size number.  I remember one lady bragging that she was in a size twelve.  I remember thinking to myself did the sizes get bigger?  She looked like a size 16/18 to me so I was surprised she was in a 12.

But I guess with fantasy sizing it could be possible. Gee I think I will make these pants a size 18 and label them a 10.  Ha ha jokes on you.  I know jaded - so jaded.  But if I get into single digits I will yall know.

Day 597 - Swimming with LZ

So far I have kept to my promise to myself to swim four times a week.  I start my swim week on Thursday and it ends on Wednesday with the lesson.  I chose to swim Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but swimming Tuesday to Wednesday I feel the tiredness in my muscles, and find that I don't quite have the stamina to go fast (well relatively speaking).

I got to use paddles today, and they were like heaven.  They are so fun and I feel like I am just flying through the water, and on top of that my stroke count with the paddles is like 15/16.  But...without the paddles it goes back up to 25/26.  Even when I think I am going really slow she tells me it is still too high.  But on a positive note she is saying it is getting better.

Today I tried to keep up with the fellow who I thought was going much faster, but I found out he was probably doing 1:45-1:50's.  But I couldn't keep up today.  No matter.  The mind was willing the flesh not so much.

But on a positive note - yesterday I was able to keep pace with him for about 12 laps doing back stroke.  Then  I petered out, and he was gone and I drank his wake.

I worry that I won't be any stronger or have any more energy even after I am able to eat more calories.  Maybe this is just where I am now, and where I will stay.  Okay I do think I may have more stamina - because I did have more when I was eating before (could go further and longer) so maybe not faster but longer.  Well we will know in ten weeks.

Day 596 - I may be done but I am not out

So today is the start of the ninth week on product, exactly half way of the 16 weeks of product only.  So I made it through my little tantrum and though I am not on the other side completely, I am close to accepting I can do at least one more week.  Well okay one more day.

I know why AA says take it one day at a time, because if you look to far ahead you find that it really isn't worth it.  That is all we can do on a diet - one day at a time.

However on a diet the difference is that you don't have immediate results.  If you quit drinking for the day you have accomplished that feat with dieting if you diet for a day you may or may not have results.  So the heavier you are the harder it is to begin, but easier to stay with it once you have begun.

But it is the initial start up for those who are really obese.  The look down the road - my god it will take me years to take this all off.  I am going to have to totally change everything about my basic needs to make this happen.  And for some - like me - that was just too daunting.  On my own I couldn't keep at a diet long enough to make any visible progress.  I thought about gastric bypass, but then I found out I had to lose like fifty pounds and I was like if I lose fifty pounds then why wouldn't I just keep going.  It would be the jump start I needed.  If I lost fifty pounds I could lose it all.  And with that thought, I jumped into this program.

When I finished up the first time I had lost about sixty pounds, but I was no where near my goal.  For a lot of the people in the group when they finished the product part they finished dieting whether or not they were done losing weight.  Me I got that jump start I said I needed to carry forward.  And I kept losing weight - all the way to December.  Then it stopped.

But I wasn't done.  I knew I had this goal in mind, and I wanted to finish.  But it was getting too hard.  I wanted to live in the real world with real food, and so I maintained, and I got frustrated.  So I just wanted to be done.  I am done.  In my head I know this is it.  Eight more weeks.  Eight more weeks and I am never going to have to lose more then a couple of pounds at any given point.  I am done with this whole dieting mentality.  I will never say I am on a diet again.  I will ban that word from my vocabulary, it is all about making different choices, and I started to see those choices in January and February and March.  I didn't always make the right choices, but I knew when I had chosen poorly, and I learned to compensate.  I learned to quit eating even if I didn't want to quit, and if I did quit when I knew I should then everything turned out okay.  

Because my body won't tell me to quit, I have  to tell myself to quit, and that works for me.

Day 595 - Hunger strikes

I am done.  I want to eat.  I am so very tired of tea and product.  When TH makes a hamburger or potatoes I just want to grab it from his hands and shove it down my throat.  I don't think I can do another eight weeks.  Really.  I mean it would be different if I was dropping tons of pounds, but I am not, and I just want to eat.  I don't care if I ever make my goal I want to eat.

I woke up this morning and got on the scale and weighed exactly what I weighed last week at this time.  Not even an ounce down.  It isn't a plateau, it just that I have hit that point that I can eat 960 calories and maintain my weight.  Am I efficient or what.  So if my maintenance level is 960 calories then I am going to be gaining a lot of weight when I get off the product because I am not going to eat just 960 calories.  No way no how.

I have used the most conservative calculations to figure what my weight loss "should be" but according to my calculations (with modest exercise) I should be three pounds down.  This is water weight - at least I am not drinking any more or less then I usually do, so...

I am done.

Day 594 - Say what???

I love these people in group who say I haven't gained any weight or I only gained a couple of pounds.  Come on folks who are you really kidding?  Do you really think I believe that you weigh less then I do?  I mean I have been there, I know.  I know how much I weigh, or like Almond Roca who says she lost 45/50 pounds and I look at her and think really?  I really don't see it.

THere were a couple of large participants in the new group, and I was amazed the other day when I saw one of them.  She was noticeably - and I mean noticeably smaller.  It got me thinking that maybe I thought she was larger then she was when I first looked at her.  I did what I hated people doing with me, I just saw a large woman.   So maybe she wasn't so large.

But my walk with J made me want to go back and look at everyone again.  I know that I said that I didn't think there were many large people in this group, but maybe I was comparing to myself.  What I considered large, and what is actually large maybe two different things.  I am beginning to see myself smaller, but still when I go to the movie theater I hesitate before I sit down wondering how I am going to fit in the seat.  Or when we go out to dinner, is there enough room for my big body, before I realize I am not that big anymore.  But I am still eyeing the space and I still wonder will I fit.

I don't take seat belt extenders, but still I have a little bit of butterflies thinking what if the seat belt won't fit.  Not fitting is the worst.

Then there are people who would be happy losing 10 pounds in three months.  That is way to slow for me.  I know I know I gained 10 pounds a year 10 pounds in three months is good, but...

But they are being realistic.  Should I be more realistic?  No I don't think so, I think I should live in the light.

Day 593 - Fears

I am afraid of many things, I have phobias up the yingyang and I am a bit neurotic, which does not explain how I became morbidly obese.

I figured that I gained about ten pounds a year.  Some years I might have gained a little more some years a little less, but the bottom line was I was increasing my food intake every year enough calories to gain ten pounds.

But when you look at it that way why didn't I stop at 40 or 50 pounds why did I let it keep going.  How did it become so unmanageable.  Why did I wait so long to feel good?

Then when I hit a point that I thought oops this weight just might kill me I didn't want to lose 10 pounds every year I wanted to lose it all - now.  And I was afraid.  I was afraid I wouldn't see my puppy grow up, that I would leave her motherless, and that scared me.

I wanted to do more then sit at my desk and play video games (though I like sitting at my desk playing video games) and I wanted to to be hampered by my weight.  I wanted to be able to go to NYC and walk and explore and not worry about my weight when I did things.  I used to have nightmares about flying, that my plane got cancelled and I had to fly coach and I couldn't fit in the seat.  I didn't want to worry about that anymore.

So if I die younger then I think I should it isn't because I didn't do anything about it, it just is what it is.  But I hope to have a longer and healthier life.

Day 592-Sunday Blues

So I did go swimming today and it was hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I like paddles though.  I think I need to stay away from them, because they make me feel like I am going sooo fast.

I went to the movie the other day, and I was just dying for some popcorn.  I really like having a small popcorn with my movie.  I start out with a full bag, and I eat one kernel at a time and it seems to be a never ending bag, and I am in like heaven until I get to the final last dregs of the bag.  But It was a huge treat and I love every minute of it.

We are trying to throw things away rather then keep them, but it is hard to.  If I throw all my fat clothes away (which I have lots and lots of) what does that mean?  I remember people talking about their non support systems who tell them not to throw those clothes away.  But the truth - I know where to get more if I need to, but I hope I will not need to.  So away with those fat clothes - away I say - Out damn spot - out.

But at the movie I realized that I have room in the seat.  Really I have room, and I don't care if someone sits next to me because I am not taking up their room.

When I sit in a chair now I always see if I have room on either side, see if my body is squished between the armrests.  I think I have room, but then I look and think I don't have as much room as I thought I had.

Like I said Sunday Blues.

Day 591 - A walk in the park

So now that work is finely starting to slow down I should have enough time to exercise more, like a nice walk in the park, but it is that time of year were we will be very lucky if we see the sun  Today (Sunday) I was hoping on going for a bike ride and a swim, but it is overcast (or foggy) and I am not really feeling it.

But I have to do one or the other (if not both) but will today be the day that I end up doing neither?  Stay tuned.

But on another note we are finally going to have those rancid rugs pulled up and I am finally going to be able to sleep on a bed where the bed springs aren't poking me.  For the past couple of years the box mattress ripped and no matter how much I begged TH for a new bed he just wouldn't budge.  So I put pillows (lots of pillows) under the mattress so I wouldn't get poked, or worse tetanus, one thing I can say about TH if it isn't bothering him it isn't a priority.

As the last time we needed a new bed our first shepherd had eaten away the mattress and I was again sleeping on springs, and I couldn't get him to buy a new mattress, so I finally switched the mattress around and what do you know the first day he had to sleep on those springs we went and bought a new bed.

Oh well nobody is perfect.

Day 590 - Last mini goal before final goal

So this is my last mini goal.  Fifteen pounds.  This is in the past what I considered my "danger point" or the point of no return.  If I went over this weight it was all over and I was lost to being overweight and damn the torpedoes and all of that stuff.

I had warned everyone before I hit the point that that was the weight I couldn't cross.  But life intervened and I crossed it and never looked back.

So hopefully this time crossing it the other way I will have twenty years of maintenance - yea?

The other interesting point that I found out about this weight point is that 51% of women my age weigh more then that point.  So not only will I be hitting my goal but I will be in the 49%.

Two months ago that goal seemed next to impossible.  I was so sick and tired of dieting and  as the weight creeped off I thought it was all for naught.  I was never going to hit that goal, I was never going to hit my goal.  I know I probably won't hit my goal by the end of product, but with the transition I think I can make the final bit.

According to my weight chart I should hit my goal by August 15, 2012.  That is three weeks into the transition. I believe I might make it.

Day 589 - Weigh in welcome to overweighthood

I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post.  I finally did it.  I am officially fat!!!!I have finally crossed that BMI mark that says that I am no longer obese.  Now if I started the program I wouldn't  qualify because I have less then forty pounds I want to lose and I am under the BMI!!! Whoo Hoo!!!  No more obesity for me!!!!  I am very very happy.

I also hit my mini goal.  That elusive one that I have been chasing for the last 20 years.  I haven't weighed this since I originally gained the weight, so even when I lost that weight through Jenny Craig I stopped losing before I got to this point.

I know I know TH is going to say go T, but I am going.  I see the doctor in two weeks, I know she is going to be thrilled.

Day 588 - Vet - Dentist - Vet

Our baby girl went in to be spayed, and I was lying in bed with my girls I thought three barren women.

I would like to have one set of puppies before I die (bucket list) but TH is afraid I wouldn't be able to get rid of them, so we would end up with a pack of ten dogs. I don't think that is the case, but if it were then I would buy a farm and move to it. Or maybe I would move to GV and buy the land next to me and have a dog farm.

I also went to the Dentist. He took the horns off my teeth and I got a cleaning. I stopped going because he said I had a little cavity that he would have to drill and fill, and that just freaks me out. I hate Novocain and the after effects so I was hoping if I ignored it would go away. But the hygienist really wanted it filled. But then they did some kind of laser snap at it and it didn't show decay, and the the x-rays didn't show decay, so they are just going to watch it. Yay!!!!

I am off to swimming in about twenty minutes, and I haven't done my ablutions yet, so...off I go.

Day 587 - Breakfast

Before the redo, I loved my breakfasts.  I actually looked forward to my latte and whatever TFD brought, which was always good.  It made my day - totally.

Now I get a crappy drink and a cup of tea.  I don't much care for tea, and probably won't drink it after the diet.  But it is something different, so I drink it.

Oh well.  This is the seventh week of the redo.  The unfortunate part is that I am not losing as much as I had the first time around, so my expectations have been high, but the results have been low.  I mean really I should be losing at least three pounds a week, and I am not.  In a normal diet you can expect to lose 2 pounds a week, so I am eating shit, and eating less then 1200 calories to lose the same amount of weight.  Something just doesn't compute.

But the truth is I lost more weight on TFD then I did on the product (before I went on my six month plateau.)
So I wonder if my body just hasn't gone into some kind of starvation mode that I didn't go into last time.  Granted I had more product last time, but still...

Yes I am feeling disheartened.  This is very hard and it is suppose to be "rapid" but I haven't lost any weight this week, and it is half over.  Blah!!!

Day 586 - Bike Ride

Well I wasn't really sure how to get on the bike, and I don't seem to be quite as flexible as I was 15 years ago, but I tried to swing my leg over the seat, but it just didn't quite make it.  Good thing nobody was watching.  I bought some bike pants from Terry and I got all this good padding, so I was not in any discomfort on that end.

But dang we went (well I went TH might have gone further) about 6 miles, and biking out it was fine, but coming back it was either uphill or into the wind or maybe both,  my legs actually got a little tired.  I am thinking maybe the recumbent would be good, just for the spinning.

I am going to do Sawyer Camp on Tuesday.  Just to see how it goes.  I will be all by myself, but you know I always will have a cell phone handy, and maybe next week I can talk TH into do the Iron Horse Trail.  One can only hope.

Day 585 - No great swim today

So I did swim in the morning, but I didn't come close to the 7 minutes.  It must have been a fluke.  Who knows.  But I did get cramps and I did stop before I was tired because of the cramps.  Damn cramps.

I came home and weighed myself because - well I didn't lose that much last week, and I was feeling a bit depressed.  But the scale didn't change from Wednesday to Friday, so I am thinking maybe I won't lose as quickly this time around?  Really I should because I am - well okay I am not working at as much, because I was training for that fifty mile walk, but I am swimming, and that is harder then walking right?

But maybe I need to exercise more then just four days a week, maybe I should do something everyday even if I am not swimming.  Hmmm... Nah.

So tomorrow we are going to try the bikes out.  I am just a little nervous.  It has been a really really long time since I have been on a bike.  Not counting that excursion through City College parking lot, but I don't think we were on the bike for more then ten minutes, but I think TH might disagree.

Day 584 - LZ

I love LZ.  She is encouraging and informative, and I still have a huge girl crush on her.  But...

She says my stroke rate is still too high.  We have been working on this for almost nine months, and I still haven't brought it down yet. We seem to have the roll, the entry, just not the catch.  So she tells me I have a beautiful backstroke, if I can just do what I am doing on my back to my front I would have a perfect free, but I tell you it doesn't translate.

But she isn't getting upset she now has me sculling, but I don't know what sculling is so I am not really doing it right.  Then when I need a breath I am suppose to take a full stroke, except I am in the breast stroke position so I just lift my head, and that is not right.  Window wipers, so I tried, but she said I did it with my hands not my forearms.  Maybe I am just a Janet Evans - ?

Day 583 - Holy Toledo Batman

So I swam at Bakar yesterday, keeping my promise to LZ and myself that I would swim four days a week.  So it was just to foggy and cold on Tuesday to make it to the other pool, so I decided to wait until ten and try Bakar just to see how crowded it was.  It actually wasn't bad.  I had my own lane for about 20 minutes, but the lanes are wider so when I shared I didn't feel as cramped as I do when I share in Brisbane.  But the amazing thing was I did the 400 warm up in 7 minutes.  For me that is amazing.  It means I was averaging about 1:46 per hundred, which is really fast for me.  Then I did five 100's and I did them at about 1:40, which is really good for me again.  So even though I haven't been working hard, it is still coming along, slowly, but I am getting faster.

But my endurance just isn't there.  I hardly finished the workout I had planned and I was totally bushed.  I got home went to work to keep my mind off of food, but mail came and we got Cook's magazine.  I must have spent an hour going over the recipes and looking at the pictures.  But I have to admit I couldn't have been that hungry because the scalloped salad did not look appealing to me.  Everything else did, just don't like scallops, and no matter how deprived of food I am I would rather drink the shakes then eat a scallop.

I know I am going to have to do more then swim.  I just am getting a bit lazy.   Maybe tomorrow I will try a bike ride if the sun is out????

Day 581 - No bike ride

I was going to go for a bike ride yesterday, but when I got on the bike I almost fell off.  I have forgotten how to ride a bike, and I couldn't even make it up over the lip of my drive way, so I am a little worried.  It is a cold and foggy day today, so I am not in a real hurry to go and ride that bike.  I am thinking of getting on the recumbent, at least I will be using my legs.  

I was thinking of going to mom's old house and riding there since that is were I started before.  It was flat and fairly easy, and even T2 taking me out for my first spin (I think it was about 3 miles before I said I had to go home) but it was a start.  Now I have no one who will ride with me, and I am no longer comfortable on a bike, so...

Maybe this weekend I can talk TH into going to the Sacramento river, he can sit and drink Pina Colada while I cycle on the nice flat surface?  Nah...isn't going to happen.

Day 582 - Day 39 of the redo

So day 39 does not bring much in the way of ahhah moments.  It was a long drive home, and while I did swim at GV, I couldn't get the right "speed" and I thought it should be faster, but...it is hard to swim against a current.  When swimming laps, you can count your laps, have sort of a sense of accomplishment, but swimming in place is just a bit boring.  And it is hard to do drills.  It is even hard to figure whether or not you are swimming correctly.  Actually it is all just a big pain in the butt.

But I couldn't get up and go swimming today, I was just too tired.  One of these days I am going to have the energy I had before.  When is the only question.

Day 580 - I don't have my calendar how many days left?

So I spend half my days looking at the calendar hoping the time will go by faster.  When will I be done?  How many more months is it until I can eat again.  Why is it so hard this time.

But on the plus side, I have thirty-five pounds to go.  That seems so much more manageable then even fifty-five.

There are many things that I can now do.  If I forget my PJ's, I  can go to walmart or kmart and buy some that will fit.  I can fit in a chair, I can order any tickets to any show and fit in the seats, I don't need to worry about airplanes.  I can take helicopter rides, I don't have to worry that they say I can't go because I am too heavy.  I can go on roller coasters, and other amusement rides, and I probably could ride a horse if I wanted to and wouldn't have to worry about breaking its back.

I look in the mirror and I see what I expect to see now.  I don't turn my eyes away, or want to scream at the mirror telling me it is lying.  I don't have to worry about pictures, because the truth is the truth, and I can accept that I am overweight now, but not as overweight as I used to be.

I can walk anywhere.  I don't have to worry about where I park because I can walk.  Yes - amazing!  I don't worry about hills, or heat, I can walk with ease.  I don't worry about having a heart attack walking up a hill, or worry about my shoe lace coming untied, I can bend down and tie it.  I don't have to worry about falling down, because I can pick myself back up.

I don't worry that I look fat in a swim suit.  I don't care if I look fat in a swim suit.  I am swimming.  Two years ago, I wouldn't go out without a long sleeved shirt and long pants, no matter how hot it was.  Now I can go out it short sleeves, and if they don't like my flabby arms they can stick it.

I don't worry that some young punk is going to come up to me and call me a fat slob.  I don't worry that the waiters or waitress look at me and wonder if I will fit in a booth.  I don't worry about people who love me feel they have to be careful what they say about my weight.

I don't worry that I will lose a job because I am too fat.  I don't worry that people think I am stupid because I am so fat.  I don't worry that I will die in my sleep because I am too fat.

So why would I want to gain it all back?  I worry about that.  I worry that I will get complacent and all I think about right now is food.  So what will stop me?  Well I like being so worry free.  I think that is a good enough reason.  But still I want Indian food.  In fact that is the first thing I am going to have when I am done with this phase of it.  Yes siree Indian food it is.

Day 579 - Yikes

This has to be one of the worse days I have had since starting.  I just want to throw in the towel, and say enough.  I don't care anymore.  It was a really crappy day.

I got up and went swimming.  I decided that I would swim four times a week, minimum no matter what, but when I got in I was finding it difficult swimming.  Hard, tiring, fatiguing.  You name it.  But I did the work out I was planning and I got no cramps.  The Zero Water probably helped.

But that was it for the day.  We came up to GV, and I slept the whole way up, got up here and slept, then went to bed at 7:30 and slept until 8:30 the next morning.  And in between the sleep all I wanted to do was eat.  TH got dip and I wanted to take my finger and just dip it into the dip and eat it like that, then he had baked potatoes and all I wanted to do was grab it and eat it raw.  Everything - anything I just wanted to eat.  I didn't care if I didn't normally like it I wanted to eat it.  Eat anything but those stupid shakes.

Dr. C told me that this intense hunger is probably from low blood sugar, and I should eat another product, which I did, and it did not help.    If I was a drug addict I would have been on the phone to my sponsor last night.  It was that bad.

If every time I do a normal swimming workout this happens, I won't make it through the next ten weeks.  But I don't want to give up swimming.   But I really can't go through what I went through yesterday.  And even eating an extra product did not help, so...I just don't know what to do.

Other exercise doesn't do this to me, so maybe I should give up swimming until this is over.  Oh who knows.  

Day 578 - Group was boring!!!

I have to say that I find this group a bit more boring then the last group.  One person has lost 50 pounds in five weeks, I don't know if anyone in our group lost fifty pounds the first five weeks, maybe B, but I don't remember.  It seems like an awful lot of weight to lose in five weeks, but some people can just lose weight like that you know.  Unfortunately I am not one of them.

But I was clock watching the whole time.  I wish it was a more interactive group, but this is more instructional? She spent a lot of time talking, or at least it felt that way.  I am missing my old facilitator, no matter what her flaws she is better then this one.  Oh well.

So I walk to Kaiser, kind of keeping up the tradition of the walk without my pal, not as fun, but still getting in the exercise.  Did I say I finally found shoes that seem to fit.

I don't remember it being this hard last time, I think I need to go and recheck earlier posts, I am finding this time around very very hard.

Day 577 - Weigh in - swimming

So I woke up this morning and weighed my self and found that I hadn't lost anything.  All that pain and agony and I came back the same that I left.

But I did get up in time to get to the pool for my weekly lesson.  BUT... I forgot my water and my breakfast so I really had no energy at all.  Plus I hadn't swum for a week and how many times can you do that and come out ahead?

I was so worried about the none weight loss that I decided that I would walk again to class.  This time I tried a pair of boots and I am happy to report there were no blisters this time.  They also were a wide - which I am thinking is the problem with all my other shoes.  I always thought a medium was the same as a wide.  So I have one other pair that is a wide, I will try that one tomorrow.

Day 576 - Tuesday home

We got up early and I got home at a decent hour, able to put in a few hours of work.  But I was tired and ready for the bed when the time came around.  I did worry that I wouldn't be able to wake up for swimming tomorrow, but...

Holidays are so fun, but it is always nice to be home again.

Day 575 - Last day in Reno

So yesterday was Big D's 86th birthday, what a day it was.  Craps, Slots and big wins and losses.  In the end I ended up with a net loss, but it was fun.

No exercise, no swimming, no nothing, but I stay true to the course and I may have made it through this third obstacle.   One can only hope.

Day 574 - Sunday Reno -

Well we should have celebrated - yes.  This was my official 82 weeks.  (Remember I started early on Sunday) so I would have been done with the program, and trying to decide how I was going to take off the last 50 pounds.

But instead I am sitting in Reno wondering why in the world I started this whole thing again.  I mean really I must have some masochistic tendencies.  And yes I miss food.

I miss all the food, from tacos to steak to fish to potatoes to you name it.  I know that a lot of people when they get done with the program becomes vegetarians or they don't like this food or that anymore.  That didn't happen to me.  I did cut back on red meat, only because it was so very caloric.  But if I had my druthers I would probably being eating steak every day.

But because TH asked I will keep this blog going through this last phase, then I will go dark - for real.  So onward towards that illusive goal.