Day 81- New Years Eve

Today we are planning on going to the museum, but I don't know if we will get there.  Best laid plans of mice and men you know.

We were going to GV, but I saw that it might snow on Saturday and I know TH would insist on leaving even if we were in the middle of a blizzard - gotta get hunting.  So for the safety of the kids I insisted that we stay home.

I walked with J yesterday, and I have to say I really enjoyed her.  She is very funny and she loved gossiping as well so we got along really well.  We dissed all the cheaters and laughed at their rudeness and basically had a nice walk.

However the winds were blowing on the way home so it was a little harder back then out.
By the by she agrees that "lapsing" should not be "okay".

Well hopefully I will get my tea soon and we can get on the road.

day 80 - No walk

Yesterday I got in the car for a walk and we got down to the beach, got all ready and ended up back in the car in less then 2 minutes.  The wind was blowing so hard that I was eating sand before I even got on the sand, and for those of you who don't walk on the beach a lot that is not the norm.  Even on normal windy days I never eat sand.

I got home and looked up the wind speed and it said 10-20 mph - I knew that couldn't be right so I found real time, and they were say 26 mph with gusts up to 50 miles.  I think it was more in the 30 or 40 than the 20's as it was buffeting my body all around.

But the wind surfers were out in force and it was amazing to watch them catch a breeze and take off - flying up over the ocean wave.  Amazing.  I have always said if they had this sport when I was younger this is what I would have done.  And the arm strength that must take.  Ahh to be 20 years younger...

So we came home without a walk and Darling T just couldn't shut up all afternoon.  I think she was punishing me for taking her out and then not letting her stay.  You don't always get what you want.

So today I am walking with one of my group people that should be verry interesting...

Day 79 - Different Faciliator

Last night we had a different group leader.  She has been doing this for five years and was telling us that Oakland  has 30 groups going right now (SF has 3.)  So she asked if we had questions about the long-term on the group and someone asked how many people keep the weight off.  She wouldn't answer.  Another said that she heard it was 25% did that sound right - and she wouldn't answer.

What she did say is that if you take the weight off and keep it off for a year studies show you will keep it off for five years.  So that is why they have the 82 weeks.

Then we talked about Christmas and cheating.  She said that she didn't like calling it cheating but lapses off plan. Then she said that lapsing is perfectly acceptable and it teaches you how to deal with difficult situations.  So whereas the other facilitator would have said you really need to stay on the plan because this is the time that you lose weight and going off plan will slow this active weight loss up, she said thats okay as long as you got back on the plan.  Basically what I got from her was "lapsing was good" because it taught you stress points.

Hmm.  So we have one person on the plan who got really sick and she didn't want to take any medicine because she didn't know what it would do to her active weight loss.  She called the doctor asking her what she could take for her cold and if it would be off plan.  Then you have someone who periodically cheats and said that she ate all day Christmas - whatever she wanted - but she didn't enjoy the food and was back on plan, and then another who said that she ate 30 Almond Roca because her brother upset her.  Everybody else stayed true to plan.

We talked about staying on the plan after the 16 weeks and she said that if you felt you needed to stay on the shakes that it would probably be a good idea to stay on the shakes.  She stated that a number of her groups had people who continued on the meal replacement even after the 16 weeks -  as long as their health was good.

So those are the facts I am not sure I agree with her about the "lapsing" but she had some good information.

Day 78 - Blood and boot day

Well I was planning (what do they say about plans and mice and men?) to walk around Lake Merced twice, but as I feared when I got to the car I just jumped in - couldn't help myself.  So I think if I am going to do the twice around I will have to stop 1/2 a mile away and then go back.  I was worried about T getting tired, I have really been pushing her lately, and I don't know if she is up to these walks.  But she doesn't limp or whimper so I think she is okay - I hope.  I was worried that there wasn't going to be any water along the way, but there is a fountain  about half way around and I couldn't really get her to drink so I guess she was okay.

T is so good walking with.  The first T liked to chase anything that moved faster then she did so it was a constant struggle walking with her in public.  I had to find out of the way places and it was impossible to walk with her on leash.  She made it so diffucult that I could walk with her early in the morning before anyone was up or she walked off leash somewhere.  T on the other hand doesn't give a rats about runners, bicyclist, joggers, walkers or motorcyclists.  She doesn't really care about other dogs either if she can stop and sniff their butts.  So I can walk with her on leash, and when I need her to get out of someones way she will stay close (equivalent to a heel) to me.  

On the negative side she is not interested in anything but her toys so I am not sure how much fun the walk is for her, but I enjoy the company so who cares.

Today I give my blood, I hope they get it right this time  Then we are going to REI.  My feet are absolutely killing me.

Day 77 - Monday Morning

Well the hardest day of the year has passed and I made it.  I love Christmas - I love the food and I love the whole feeling of the season and it is so sad when it goes.  Before I came to San Francisco I never really had Christmas, I usually worked on that day so I didn't really know what it was like, but TH has opened my eyes to the whole thing.  Thank you TH.

We went for a walk yesterday, and my poor feet got really sore.  TH keeps telling me he will take me to REI to get a new pair of shoes, but I keep thinking that all those shoes I bought will finally be perfect.  I am trying to save up my favorite pair to do the walk in.  So maybe if I just put a couple of more miles on the shoe it will feel better.

TH told me soak my feet in salt water.  Hmm - I suppose, but I really don't know how that will make the balls of my feet feel any better when I go for a walk.

I heated up a piece of chicken for T for breakfast this morning and it was fun to watch her dance.  Quivering like I was giving her something super duper special.  Love my mooch.

I didn't realize until just a minute ago I hadn't exercised for a few days.  Maybe that was the problem.  Well we will go somewhere today and see how it is...

Day 76-Fun in the City

TH's Fabulous table

Big D - but only one she says

Okay when nobody is looking I am going in.

The love me they really love me

Taking out the loot before we change our minds.

Just Happy

She is keeping an eye on the food too

Lets not forget the white one

Day 75 - Christmas

Merry Christmas!!!

Day 74 - Christmas eve without T2 & BIL1

It is hard to believe that we won't have our whole family this year and we aren't going for our Christmas Eve Brunch.  It just means that next year will have to be a bigger and better celebration.    Come home ET!!

Well we miss all who are not here and wish you a happy/merry christmas.

xxoo

Day 73 - Habits

We are trying to get the house set up for Christmas and I still need to clean two rooms.  But I decided that today no matter what I was going to try and do 10 miles.  Of course if T gets tired we will probably do less.  I just can't imagine doing a walk without her.  I know that TH (no not TSH that is what they test for my when they are testing my thyroid) goes with me, but the last three weekends we have both backed out.

It is part of the problem with trying to change bad habits in this house.  We let each other do things we know we shouldn't, but with another person saying lets be lazy it isn't all on you then.  It is giving permission to keep the status quo.  It is something both TH and I have to work at.  As much as I would like to say it was all his fault, I know we share the blame.  What we probably need to do is make a plan for a while and stick to it.  And I love planning.

And yes I believe now that being overweight is a bad habit.  No matter how you slice it overweight people eat too much.  You hear all the time how thinner people hardly eat, well as we all know now they do eat, it just isn't how much overweight people eat, but if you added up their calories you would find that they are eating within the recommend range.  At group the facilitator told us we probably were all consuming between 4000 to 6000 calories a day.  Who knows, but we do know that we were consuming more then1200 calories...

I know now that I can't count calories as I go.  I have to know what calories I have before I even begin the day. Basically I need to know exactly what I am going to have for the day and not deviate from that.

The facilitator told us to write down all these things that are going through our head during this process, and as we go forward in the program to go back and read these things when things might get confusing for us.  I think it is a good idea, but probably not very interesting for those reading this little blog.  - Sorry about that.

Day 72 - Getting close to first goal

When I started this program I had little goals I wanted to meet - and one of them was to get to a certain weight before January 1.  I calculated and recalculated and thought yes this is something I can do.  I am so close and yet so far.  I need to lose 6.3 pounds by December 31, and I think that I am probably going to be 2 pounds shy.  But I think I can make it by January 4.

We had another cheat this week, so that makes three (this week).  For me it is just hard to understand why anyone would cheat.  They have made it so easy not to cheat that I wonder sometimes if the ones that cheat are the ones that don't keep the weight off.  They should do a study and see if there is a correlation between those that regain weight and those that cheated on the program.

Every group that I have ever been at says accept that you will have a bad day but accept it and move forward.  Weight Watchers actually builds in a certain amount of "cheating" as they give you extra points to use one day or everyday - however you want to use those extra 2000 thousand calories.  But it is like smoking cigarettes - can a smoker really cheat and have one cigarette?  I couldn't.  When you are breaking a habit it is all or nothing.  That is why losing weight is so hard for people.  This is a habit you can't just quit.  You have to eat and you have to eat enough to keep you going and active.

So Optifasts offers just that - enough nutrients to keep you active and enough food to keep you going.  Most of the people are eating 960 calories I am eating 1120 calories, and that for my needs is good enough.  I am not weak, not tired, not grumpy and for the most part not wanting to eat.  I could not allow myself to cheat at this point in time.  It would absolutely devastate me.

Cheating isn't an option and I understand that the program is trying to keep those that fall off the program on the program by saying thats okay you cheated yesterday just get back on today - but it isn't okay for me.

This part of the diet is the no brainer, it is what comes next that will be the trial - because what comes next is you are sometimes in the dark about whether your cheating or not.  Is having a piece of pizza, but staying in your calorie range cheating?  How about two - three - four?  I can save calories from yesterday so I can have cake today?  Does it really work that way?  Again I don't think you can have that piece of cake when you are trying to lose weight, no matter how many calories you saved up for it.  Maybe when you are maintaining, but not during active weight lose.

Oh this could go on and on - Just some random thoughts

Day 71 - Thinking of Changing this blogs name

We started our walk a little later then normal, and this is what we saw when we started.

And this is what we saw 30 minutes from the car (it got darker as we went) picture taken with camera phone it was more dramatic then this picture is showing.

It was low tide so we were able to go our 6 miles, I was going to go 8, but it got way too dark and I got spooked.

I tripped on the only rock on the whole beach and went down, but not to bad it was like falling on a bed, so I wasn't hurt - problem was I couldn't get my big frame back up.  I am so afraid to put that much weight on my poor knees without help, but I bit the bullet and did stand up finally.  I fell right by a family playing with their dog, and it was a real Witch to keep T in line while I kept attempting to stand up.  If someone had a camera they could have sent it into  America's Funniest Videos.  I have the leash wrapped around my hand trying to stand and then T goes lunging towards the dog and I fall flat in the sand again.  The family just watched in amusement, nobody came to help.

As I was walking I saw a huge crowd gathered.  At first I thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me, as it was like close to freezing and the wind was blowing and it was getting dark.  So I thought maybe those are pylons that I had never noticed before, but as I got closer I saw no that they were people.  At first I thought they were a cleanup crew, but the beach was pretty clean and it was a pretty odd time to be out.  Then I thought maybe it was a field trip for little kids, but they seemed a bit too tall to be little kids.  I finally concluded it was a HS party being held on the beach - maybe Christmas- maybe a keg - who knew.  As I got closer I passed one of the people on the outskirts and he appeared to be drinking beer, but he seemed older then HS, but what do I know about how old people are?  Once you hit my age peoples ages are placed in three categories - older - younger - my age.  Anyway about half a mile away I was smelling what smelled like strong perfume, so I decided yes it was a bunch of HSers doing the mating dance.  But as I pulled up I noticed that there were little kids dogs and people of all ages, but lots of them.  They were all huddled around something and I figured they were trying to start a fire.

All very interesting, but I needed to get to our turn around place before it got dark and I didn't want to be out to late after dark - so we trudged past just hoping on our way back they weren't going to be all rowdy and obnoxious.

As I headed back I saw that they had the fire going and it was smoking like crazy.  I was surprised that they could stand it, my eyes were watering and I wasn't even close to it.  As we neared them I saw two of them go racing towards the water and I thought to myself they look naked.  Nah - it was just too cold but I kept looking and yes they were naked.  As I got closer an older lady started walking towards the beach slowly and  unclad except for her many tattoos.  She was followed by two menacing (fully dressed) men who gave me such looks as that led me to think that maybe these were guards to protect the foolish nymphs who played in the 40 degree water.  I looked, hell I have never been to a nude beach before I don't know the protocol, but if you walk in front me I am going to look.

As we passed the group I notice that they had candles out and decided that they must be Wicca's, but they got the date wrong - tomorrow (today) is the solstice.  As we went on by I heard a bunch of screaming and I turned around and saw a pale streak running into the ocean.  It looked like the entire group had shed there outerwear and was joining the other fools in the freezing water.  I wish I had taken a picture of it, but I think the bodyguards would have beaten me up.

Day 70 - 10 Weeks!!!

This is probably getting old, but I have finished up 10 weeks of the Optifast product and I have five more full weeks on it.

I did have a setback Saturday.  I let my head go places it really shouldn't have gone.  I was thinking boy it should would be nice to eat...anything.  I was deep in thoughts about how I didn't care that I was overweight and that I really wanted to eat something.  I fallen off many diets with those thoughts, but right now sitting here writing this blog I am not sure what that feeling was or what exactly those thoughts were.  And it wasn't until Sunday did I realize that those weren't good thoughts.

Sigh, I thought I was better but it looks like I have been living in lala land.  I figured that it was the stress from being pulled over, and that I do have" triggers" other then I like the taste of food.  And now I will be going into my stressful season having to eat food - blech.   If I hadn't been on Optifast I would have eaten.  So when I can make decisions about food other then Optifast will I choose wrong - again?

One of the thoughts that was going through my head was I would never ever lose all the weight so why try.  Though I have gotten a good start I have so much to lose, and it won't be done in a year.  I guess I must just forge forward worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Day 69 - Gee officer Krupke - Krup you

Yesterday I went off to bond with my "group" on a walk around Crissy Field.  I might have been to Crissy Fields once in my life time and I didn't drive.  When I printed directions it had me doing all these weird loop de loops and so I tried a more direct route.  I printed my map out that I didn't have to do any loop de loops and I headed off to Crissy Field with my trusty dog.

It took longer then was printed on the map, I left a bit later then the directions said so it appeared according to there time I would only be five minutes late.  Everything was going fine and my directions said two more minutes and I would be at my destination - then disaster hit.  I got to my exit and got off and found myself in the middle of a construction zone.  This road - that road - all roads seemed closed, so I headed towards the water as best I could.  I meandered through the Marina for a good five ten minutes before I even found the water, then I found myself surprising on the street that I was suppose to be on, but no Sports Basement in sight.  So I drove a little further only to find I was no longer on Mason... Poo.  I am now 23 minutes late and I am sure that they will have started without me, but I thought since I was there I could at least walk the Pooch.

About five minutes later I find the Sports Basement.  They picked it because they have lots of parking, but a week before Christmas?   There was a security guard and he looked at me suspiciously as I drove through the parking lot three times.  Even if I wanted to park there there were not parking spots - so far I was not doing to well.

I went further out looking for parking and turned around and drove through Sports basement parking lot one more time.  On my way out of the Sports Basement parking lot a park police followed me.  I wasn't to worried I was just going home. I had set the Garmin to take me home I was done with the whole Crissy field thing.

So Ms Garmin told me to turn left and I turned left.  The next thing I know I have the Park police lights blazing pulling me over.  I did not have a clue what I had done, and since I knew they were behind me I was totally surprised.  I mean what fool is going to break the law with cops behind them?

I waited in the car for a full ten minutes before they even got out.  Then the AH came up to me and asked if my foot was on the brake.  Yes I said, but the parking brake is on and I have it in park.  He said take your foot of the brake take your foot off the brake.  Twice?  I mean really how many Jack Reacher books have you read?  What do you think I am some kind of drug runner.

So he said you made an illegal left turn.  I said politely I didn't see any sign that said no left turn and he said you would have to be blind not to have seen that sign.  I decided not to tell him that Ms Garmin told me to turn left he probably would have given me a ticket for following her and not paying attention to the road.

He asked for my licenses and registration and proof of insurance.  I gave him everything, but proof of insurance was expired on the December 7.  It was all I had.   He threw the insurance back at me telling me it was expired (well not threw but it felt like it) and I handed it back to him saying it was all I had.  He took it and went back to his car.  Then we sat for another 15 minutes...

When he came back both the cops got out of the car and one went over to T's side of the window and the AH came and gave me a ticket.  He said he was giving me a break by not citing me for not having proof of insurance, and here was my $125 no left turn ticket.  Have a nice day.  The the other cop smiled at T and got back in the car and I drove away. AH

So I have decided I am never ever ever going to Crissy Field again - so there!!!

Day 68 - Rain again?

As I have said before T1 wimped out on me on the walk yesterday, but to be honest I didn't go either.  It was raining - hard.  To put it in perspective it was like taking a shower with all your clothes on.  So no I didn't go.  It is suppose to rain today, and yes it is drizzling, but I am tough I can handle that.

We are suppose to have a group walk at Crissy Field, I don't know how many people will show up, but I promised and as T2 has said I break my promises too much, so my new years resolution is to keep all promises I make next year.  Chances are I am not going to be making very many promises!!

So T saw me put my shoes and coat on (I put my coat on because it is *@@*!! freezing in this house.  TH likes to keep it cold, and it didn't bother me so much before, but now it is like I feel like my nose is going to fall off.  So I always wear two shirts and now I have to wear a coat as well.  What are we in a depression?  Oh yea back to the coat so T saw me put on the coat and she started to do her little dance until I came over and started to type.  She is now looking at the window growling.  Nothing is out there - everyone and everything is hidden in this weather.

I am testing a theory that if I look at the back of her head long enough she will turn around.  Lets see...Well it took about a minute and I had to telepathically send we were going for a walk, but those ears were a twitching.

So I felt like a real pro as I wrapped my toes in mole skin.  It is just the one foot.  The other shoe is perfect and I had no pain or blisters - nothing.  So we will see how this works.

Well we are off to walk in unknown territory.  Here is hoping that it won't be to crowded with dogs or I will have one sore arm.

Day - 67 - Fused toes

Yesterday was all about excercise.  T& and I did a walk on the beach (which was very crowded) and I did wear my new shoes and my feet are very blistered and sore (well one foot.)

When I got home from the walk I was afraid that my toes had fused together.  It has happened once before.  So I carefully pulled off my socks and pulled my tootsy apart.  Thankfully they hadn't fused yet.  One toe did have a burst blister, but the others were okay.  I am in the making of calluses on my toe next to the baby toe.  I think that is a strange place to have calluses.  Oh well who wants to hear about my feet problems? Raise your hand.

Today is going to be all about cleaning.  T1 backed out of our beach walk because of a little rain.  Sheesh wimp.
T & I will still do our walk rain or no rain.  Actually the rain can be quite fun.

And then we are going to NARNIA!!!!  My favorite of all series.  CS Lewis is my hero.  I seriously think if you have never read the Narnian series do so and if you have read it read it again.

I have been planning that trip for ohh so long (to Narnia).  Just don't know how to get to the world between the worlds.

Day 66 - Quiet Day

Yesterday was a quiet and boring day.  M came by to help straighten my office, but it looks just as wild as it did before.  The only interesting thing was watching a movie with TH.  I actually liked it better then any of the other movies that we watched.

I am going to try and experiment - I am going to have one extra product this week to see if that will jump me off the plateau.  It can't hurt to try.

I Seem to recall when I was at this weight before I had a heck of a time trying to lose weight as well.  It might be one of my set points so I just need to be patient and ride it through.

It was suppose to rain today but it is beautiful instead.

Walky walky.

Day 65 - Walk in the Rain?

Yesterday was weigh-in and again I was disappointed - oh well.  But T& I got a lovely walk.

I decided to do the beach yesterday, it was overcast  and I was guessing not a whole lot of people would be there.  But before we left I took a bunch of Glucosamine and two Tylenol.  Always prepared.  So off we go.  It was nice, cool, but not cold a perfect day for a walk.  The first we encountered was a couple taking pictures of each other.  She would pose, then he would pose as I came closer, they both turned to look at me.  I saw a fleeting look of hope then they looked down to see why my arm was extended straight out.  Yup/nope they weren't going to ask me to take their picture - I could see the disappointment in their eyes as a trundled by.

Next came a couple romping barefoot in the ocean.  They were laughing and splashing, and even T thought they were a bit off.  There was a name spelled in the sand - STELLA  - and I wondered if she was named after one of Vachss character?  We left them playing in the surf - hopefully they wouldn't be too uncomfortable on the way home stupid fools.

Then came the horses pounding up the beach towards us.  T doesn't quite know what to make of horses, but she thinks if they run she should run.  All I see in horses is T getting kicked in the head.  So I drag her kicking and screaming away from those running horses and she calms down, 5 minutes later they come up behind us.  This time it is up to them to stay away - and they do.  They passed us four more times.  Geez isn't there another beach they can ride at?

Then we come across five people - another group of picture takers - but this time they have a young child in their arms.  They too are romping and smiling and laughing, but as soon as they see us they gather up their things and walk to their car.  We must look menacing.  Stupid tourist.

We encounter two runners and three people walking their dogs.  All in all not many people on this glorious beach, no surfers no fisherman, no clammers or beach combers.  I suppose the pouring rain might have had something to do with that - you think?

Day 64 - Tuesday

It is Tuesday again.  Funny how it comes around every seven days.  I have again been weighing myself everyday and nothing seems to be happening.  How long does one stay on a plateau?  Oh well enough.

I went and saw a movie with big D and B yesterday.  Movie was interesting. Actress though had way to much botox.  Isn't acting suppose to be about expressions?  What happens when they are incapable of expressions?   They become bad actors - right - so wouldn't you think they would stop with the botox?

Me - no matter what - I will never do botox.  Maybe a face lift, but never botox (and the face lift will have to allow me to smile) I just can't imagine putting poison in my body on purpose.

T and I did go for our walk yesterday, but I again cut it short because I got nervous about 5 thugs just hanging out were we wanted to go.  I keep saying I am not going back there, but I do enjoy the park and T enjoys it and it usually is pretty empty.  Where to go today?  I am up for any suggestions.

Maybe I will leave my beloved home and go to the zoo.  Maybe the zoo will come to me.  One can only hope.

Day 63 - My beloved T

My bunny hopping loving sweet girl has really got the short end of things.  I feel guilty every time she comes into my office and sits in her chair looking longing out.   The window is covered in nose prints making a mosaic of her longing.  I call her name and she whips her head around always with a glint of hope that now is the time that she gets to be out in that glorious outdoors.  She whimpers softly at times thinking that it will touch my heart, but all I do is tell her to stop whining.

The cruelty to be subject completely to human whims and desires seems unfair, but call her with a lilt and a laugh and she lets you know that she thinks life is grand.  And tell her you are taking her for a walk - watch out - you won't find that kind of excitement in any human child.

She knows I am writing about her, she is watching with a smile, knowing our game, a call, a butt rub and it is back to the window.  Sometimes she tries to anticipate the call, but I am smarter then she is and I wait until she is back in her chair.  Now she is sitting in-between, knowing I can't stand not seeing her.  Wait for it- I call her once more and once more she comes bounding over, but this time it she is there faster then I can blink an eye - it just up and step.  We do our hugs and rubs and now she goes just a bit closer to her chair knowing the game is close to the end.

It isn't like she wants to run away, she wants me to be with her when she goes out. For her it doesn't matter where we go, as long as we go together.  She lets me know it is just more fun with the two of us and for that I am grateful.    Other dogs like to be in the outdoor and they don't care if the human is along.  They go racing out the door the minute it is open and they are off to who knows where, and yes so does T.  But she doesn't go racing down the street or next door but to the car where she runs around it waiting for me to come out and open it so *we* can go.

So off *we* go...

Day 62 - Cleaning

Well that isn't quite right title, more like straightening up.  So I decided that I was going to rest my poor aching body so I decided between my games I would straighten up the living room and dining room.  So in the process of that I ended up spending over $4K because I decided we needed a oversize bookcase and I need more file cabinets.

So we are junk collectors - straightening the living room I found Christmas presents from my loving hubby over 4 years old still pristine and in the wrapper.  Oh yea I wanted to try that out - oh did you see this - oh wow I forgot how beautiful that was.  You know we have way too much stuff...

So I took all the stuff that was in the living room/ dining room and distributed to the various room.  Unfortunately for me most of the stuff was mine, so now I am once more in a completely unworkable office - so my next move is to clean this monster up.

My office has enough junk in it so this just made it that much worse.  You read about people being dead for days before someone finds them and they have this little room with stacks and stacks of junk - that is my office.  However, there is one clear path and that is for T because she needs to get to her chair and the window.

So I try and make my way to the computer tripping all the way just so I can write this not so exciting blog.  Maybe something exciting tomorrow.

Day 61 - 55 day left of all liquid

I am really hoping to lose another 25 pounds in the next 55 days.  But I think that I am on a plateau so that may not be as easy as I think.  By using my calculations of calories in and calories out I should be 10 less then what I am, so either my body has gone in that dreaded "starvation" mode or is on a plateau.  

Now it would be nice if it was a plateau so I would be here for a few weeks and then drop like 10 pounds in one week.  Catch up if you would.  

I know this is suppose to be about the diet, but unlike anorexia I am not totally obsessed with food.  Because I can't eat, I have this whole attitude right now that food is fuel.  When I get feeling a little hungry I grab a shake, their are no cravings and I don't feel like I am missing out.  Some interesting changes are that I am finding that when I get bored I am no longer heading towards the fridge, but putting on my walking shoes and heading for the door.  If I have any obsession it is about the dang walking.  I fret about it, think about, talk to myself about it...if you could have heard my conversation in the car last night...  

There are some smells that do trigger a response, but most foods smells I just find nasty.  We went to the Dickens Faire last weekend and the stick of food was just that - nasty.  When I come home and smell TH cooking something I just want to get away from that smell.  But at the theater yesterday the smell of popcorn was wonderful.  I decided that I am going to get one of the popcorn carts and have fresh popcorn rather then that nasty microwave stuff.

So I can finish up these last 55 days (maybe 62 for me) and then I will start to worry about food.  I have a plan in place - but you know what they say about plans.

 

Day 60-Oh Dear

I once again had death dreams.  It was truly horrible.  The person who was sick was 10 years old I think it was Dakota Fanning, but in my dream she was related to me.  We had someone coming over and didn't want them to know so we put her in the bed room and I got so worried I wanted to go in and see her, but T1 wouldn't let me, she told me to let her sleep.

I took the dog out and when I cam back she was lying on the kitchen table so she could be close to us and she was so sick.  I went over to her trying not to cry and  she looked at me and asked me to stay with her until she fell asleep.  I knew when she fell asleep she would die, and I just wanted to stop it.

I don't know if it is the diet, but I have found that I am disoriented when waking.  Many times I don't know where I am - or when I am.  At first waking I am confused and wonder if this is how dementia people see the world.  Very disconcerting.  Since this has been happening more and more frequently I figured it was either the diet or the the over the counter sleep aids.  So last night I decided not to take them and I ended up with this dream.  - at least on the sleep aids I don't have dreams.  Maybe that is why I am disoriented.  But this dream lingers with me and even now I feel out of sorts.

Day 59 - Pain in the butt

I have this pain in the butt that will wake me up, so I try and find different ways to position it at night so I won't have the pain. I can't figure out what it is so I go online for a diagnosis but the closes is PGP and I know it isn't that.  So I am self diagnosing it as a pain in the butt.

Yesterday M was here and we talked about swimming.  I got so excited she brought this video tape of starts and turns and I just had to have the whole series.  So I bought them.  No impulse control at all.  Like I am ever going to be a competitive swimmer again.  Oh well.

I thought that I might go walking today, but then I thought rest that pain in the buttocks and see how you are tomorrow.

Day 58 - A Deeper Magic

Anyone who is a fan of CS Lewis knows what that deeper magic is.  A magic before the world was made, so deep that even the most powerful are not aware of it.  Only the one that was there knows this magic and even he does not control it.

I came across a deeper magic of my own.  Before the time of TH, before I came to this beautiful City, before this blog.  Another sense of self and being.  As I travel forward, I realize that I do not like all my changes, hence this blog.  But the inevitable of change is acceptable, everyone changes, can't help it because we live within time and time is change.

Change is neutral, you make it whatever it is you want it to be, and in my case one of the changes made me overweight.  I do not like being overweight, but that does not mean it did/does not do me some good.  It is a struggle to be overweight, more then most people know.  Every thought in public is about your weight, knowing that everyone is judging, and if they see you they are not interested in knowing you.  That is a big one - if they see you.  An overweight person is handicapped as surely as a man with one leg, and people look at you the same as any handicapped person.  They either see only the handicap or they don't see you at all.  Either way you are less.

So were is the good?  I realized I am narcissistic.  I mean BIL1 couldn't have nailed it better.  I accept it.  Also compassion - it is something that does not come easily to me, but by being overweight I have learned to be a little more compassionate.   I understand peoples struggles a little more, and try and not just look at there handicap and maybe just maybe because of that I become less narcissistic.  Just don't expect me to hug you.

Day 57

No title today because I don't know what I am going to say.  We were able to do the walk that T2 and I didn't finish.  It was a beautiful day and the tide was low so we literally were walking out in the ocean.  I love low tide. There are mirages while walking during low tide mainly because the sand is so wet you don't realize that it is so far out there.  We had clammers, fisherman and even a horse drawn buggy went by a few times.  T ignored the buggy the first time, but after the second time she decided that big dog needed to know its place on the beach, running around like that.

Usually once we get about half a mile from the parking lot we see just a couple of people, but this time the beach was pretty crowded.  Nice day, cool but not cold, very little wind - nice.  As we were walking back we watched someone learning to handle a para sail.  It actually looked like hard work and she had some trouble keeping her feet on the ground.  I never really thought about it.  I just thought you went out on your board and let the sail pull you, but watching her do it on land I understood it isn't as easy as it looks on water.

I do understand why they have so many shark attacks though.  The other day when we went for a walk we saw the ocean just filled with these little black forms.  I swear they looked like sea otters dotted all across the horizon.  Hundreds of them.  I will take a picture next time and you all can be the judge.

But there were not that many surfers out yesterday.  No waves and the they would have to walk half way to Hawaii to find where the water was.  Hey there is an idea - anyone up for a walk to Hawaii?

Day 56- Half way mark

So we are at the half way mark 8 weeks of Optifast - 8 weeks to go.  It has never been "hard", but I dream of the time that they can eat again.  Since I am still wanting to eat again I don't think that I am ready to go off the shakes.  I want to be at a place in my head were food is not the reward, like it is right now.  If I could take the present attitude of food into my every day life I wouldn't have a problem.

We went to Dickens Faire yesterday, and while it was fun to look at all the dress up, I wasn't in the correct frame of mind.  I thought it was going to be shops and food, but it was entertainment (that was always full) lots of food but the shops were mostly clothes shops (era clothes).  I spent most of the time trying not to make eye contact with the actors because I didn't want them to approach me.  But they would have little skits in the aisle and it could have been really fun...

The storm came, and it was loud and violent, but today it is calm and beautiful - time to get back on the exercise train.

Later gator

Day 55 - T2 Gone Home

We got up early today to take T2 to the airport.  It was sad to see her go, time just slips away when your having fun.

As we were rushing out to take her to the airport TH came out through the garage and I was suppose to shut it but I spaced completely out!!!  Oh well.  So on the drive back to the house TH asks do you think they will pull me over if I do 69 as the needle edged up to 80.  No, I don't think they will pull you over at 69 - but maybe at 80 ya think?

I was informed on the drive home from my loving husband that if the dog got out and hurt he would never forgive me.  I guess that lets me know where I stand.

Hopefully we have a big day today before the rain hits.  Those storm clouds coming in - and T2 trying to get out YIKES!!! Hope she gets out before they storm comes in.

Off to have fun...

Day 54 - Saturday

Well I decided to do a walk in the park, but had to come home because of - well I had to go to the bathroom.  But on the way to the park I got held up and had to wait through 4 lights.  I wasn't sure what the police were doing.  They had stopped only our lane of traffic and let everyone else go.  We waited and I started thinking what the heck they must just not like me.  I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to do the walk because I had to pick up T2 and I was just freaked I wouldn't be home in time.

So we are waiting and waiting and this car start slaying on the horn.  Just doesn't give up.  So not only do we have to wait through this light, but this moron who can't figure out that we are not sitting there because we want to, seems to be enjoying playing his horn.  Then idiot decides that  to cut around traffic so goes up on the curb only to find a cop walking towards him.  Ahh justice.

Anyway there finally came three stretch limos and a bunch of other cars.  And they turned down the direction I was going.  I was a bit confused, there was probably 20 motorcycle cops and they stopped traffic like forever, and when the limos turned towards the beach - I was very confused.  What a funeral procession to the beach?  The I thought Oh it must be Obama and he wanted to show his kids the beach.  Very exciting.  So I followed to see where the went.  The cars pulled over in front of the doggy diner and I was more awed that Obama wanted to go to the doggy diner, then I saw that they actually were going to some Irish church.

Who knew?

Day 53 - Spidell

Today I am up early then I have been in months - years even because we are going to Spidell.  I have two minutes to write this so it will be short and sweet.

T2 arrived healthy at 7lbs 2 oz and has ten fingers and ten toes and a full head of hair already combed and coiffed.

She walked partly with me and we had a great time at the Ocean, but I did notice that she wasn't quite as enthralled with it as I am.  Oh well no one is perfect.

I have to print out work, because I get a little bored at Spidell.

More tomorrow

Day 52 - Weight loss

As one can see it has been 52 days and as have lamented all through these posts it just isn't showing.  Yesterday I had M here and were chatting and I had told her how everyone goes around during group clapping them on their backs saying how much weight they have lost and she looks at me and says - have you lost any weight?

Excuse me?  that was not the correct response.  You would think someone would pick up on those hints.  But nooo - she just has to be to honest.

Honesty can only go so far.  Sometimes little white lies are really okay, but not now of course the ball is out of the bag.  Now if anyone tells me they see my weight loss I will know they are lying.

So I talked with B about it and she said I should wear tighter fitting clothes.  Hey I didn't wear tight fitting clothes when I was younger.  It is true I have taken to wearing stretchy pants and I haven't needed new pants like everyone else in group (everyone else is giving away there fat clothes already) so I don't know if I lost in inches - I refuse to measure until I am down another 20 pounds.

I was weighing and measuring everyday for a while, but that was depressing me so I promised I wasn't going to measure until I lost a certain amount of weight which as stated above is 20 more pounds, so for all I know they are right and I am not showing.

I have weight loss goals set by my excel spreadsheet telling me how much I should be losing calories in calories out.  It was off quite a bit, so I took all the exercise off and now it matches, but... the exercise should count - right?

Well I am off to do some exercycling before T2 arrives so I don't bother her when she is here.

Day 51 - Group

Group was interesting.  KFC was back and she got an earful from the facilitator.  She told us that she went off, but she didn't want to go into details.  Love child was in rare form, talking a mile a minute trying to get her whole therapy session in the one minute allotted, she went over but she is interesting nonetheless.  It is always more interesting to hear more personal stuff then not.  Everyone else was fine.  Doing well.  Enjoying the program.  Loving the weight coming off.

Me, no one compliments me at all.  It is a love fest for everyone else but me.  I guess they just can't tell.  Oh well. But what is worse is that when it is my time to talk and I say I stayed on the program at the beginning, she always asks me at the end if I stayed on the program.  What do I look like the type of person who would cheat?

I am not showing any weight loss, and I don't know when I will, but some people I definitely see the weight loss. For one I saw her and thought she was pretty, (and she still is) but the weight loss has just aged her 10 years.  She seems to have lost most of the weight in her face and you see the wrinkles that you didn't see before.  I probably will need a face lift after this is over.

I can't wait to see T2 I don't like going so long without seeing my playmate.  She is coming in just at the right time.  Low tide is at 4pm (-.9) so the beach will be a wonderful walk, hope she remembers her jacket.

Day 50 - Rush Rush Rush

It is a rush today since I have to have blood drawn and walk and go to the vet and work and go to group.  Busy busy day.  I think that I could very easily become a woman of leisure - what say you TH?

I am ordering two boxes of my bars this week.  I have enough of the crappy stuff to last me a life time.  So they better not mess my order up.

We can't wait until little N and T1 goes to the beach with us.  I don't think little N has ever been to the beach.  She might be a bit overwhelmed with the vastness of the water.  T kept lapping at it and I kept yelling at her that it wasn't drinking water.  Why don't dogs know that they shouldn't drink salt water?

I was going to say some snarky things about TH, but after his wonderful response to my wanting the elliptical fixed - I just have to say he is the bestest hubby ever!!

Day 49-End of Seven Weeks

This is the end of seven weeks, and I made it through TG.  TH was very good, though I did wake up on TG with Turkey and dressing smelling delicious.    So I have stayed on exercising though probably not as religiously as I should.  I find that it takes all day to exercise, and I just don't know how other people work and exercise.

I get up and have my tea, write my blog drink my first shake and my first 32 oz of water.  Then I take a shower and spend the next hour running to the toilet and back (this diet wouldn't work in the old days because I can not imagine running outside in 20 degree weather ever hour on the hour.)  Then I pull up whatever work I have been trying to do, get situated and then it is time for a walk.  We get back at three then I am too tired to do any more work, sometimes at 5 I will go down and exercise again then it is 8 (I exercise an hour and play for 2.)  Then it is time to watch TV - then it is 12 and time for bed...  So when do I have time for work????

It just isn't possible to work.

Day 48- Home again

We just got home and the I am waiting patiently for my tea.  I didn't have my tea this am because I thought that I would need a rest break if I did.  Now I may be able to use public restrooms, but if I can plan not to that is better.  I did make it home and my soup I rushed ordered had come.  My wonderful lovely yummy chicken soup is here!!!

I really wanted to see snow yesterday, but the all it did was get cold.  They did close 80, but that was higher up, so once again I missed the snow storm.  I am now looking out over the ocean with the sun shining brightly and it must be at least 60 degrees and I am sweating - ugh.

We did manage to get to the Christmas Faire in GV.  It was really nice.  Because it was raining it wasn't jammed packed, and we were able to leisurely walk through the place.  We got some really nice Christmas gifts and I did fall in love with a totally worthless piece of glass art, but I couldn't bring myself to let TH buy it.  It was gorgeous though.  It was a three headed dragon guarding its nest and it made my heart sing.  But where in this cluttered house could we have put it?

TH bought the best hat I have ever seen on him.  I wish I had a picture to show, but then you all would know who TH is.  So let's keep who who a secret shall we.

Day 47 - The Struggle

Not everyday is a struggle, and I have said before this diet leaves you fairly satisfied, generally.  Yesterday I could easily have fallen back into old patterns, and I don't know what made yesterday different from any other day. 

My whole attitude was I just didn't care.  Part of it was there is absolutely nothing I look forward to eating right now.  They gave me the wrong bars and I only like one kind of bars and the gave me no soup and though I have tomato soup left I absolutely hate the taste.  I have to gag it down like the shakes.  So whereas before I had my chocolate bar and chicken soup to look forward to I have nothing to look forward to, I just have to get the food down because I have to eat the calories.  I want to enjoy something I think everyone does, and I am not a starving person so everything does not look good to me.

Messing up on my order couldn't have come at a worse time.  After not losing weight last week and not having anything to eat that I like this week, I am struggling both mentally and physically.  Not exercising Thursday and Friday also could have something to do with it, but it also is the whole I don't care attitude.

Also you lose some of your individuality.  When you diet alone your struggle is unique and it is something nobody else will understand.  When you are a group losing weight the struggles you having you see others are having and trust me it isn't reassuring.  You want to be unique, you want to be different, your struggles are harder, but you find it is just human nature in one degree or another.  There is nothing special about you.  And overcoming this weight affliction is being done by 20 other people (well okay maybe 19) so instead of bonding and feeling like a sister/brotherhood I just feel competitive.  I want my ordeal to be bigger and badder then anyone elses.  I don't want people to tell me they know exactly what I am going through.  Even though they may. 

It is good that I was on this product because if I wasn't yesterday I would have officially blown the diet.  I didn't have to make the wrong choice and justify it with it is only one day, or it is only 40 points - I just use my extra points. 

Yes if I wasn't on this program yesterday would have been the last day of dieting after 46 grueling days.

Don't worry today I am better, we are going to a Christmas Faire and then maybe home or...

Day 46 - Off to GV

We aren't going to make it to GV again this year, so I thought we should go when there is snow.  I hope TH makes a fire - yum.

I had my first political dream.  I dreamt that we only had two choices for the mayor of SF and one was an idiot and the other was an idiot.  So I was at the vet and asked which one he thought would be best and he said he wanted the female idiot because she wanted all pounds to be no kill pounds.  However since we had lost all our rights and we were really a sham of a democracy and only those two were allowed to run he said it didn't matter.

I asked him to take a look at T because she bunny hops, and I was really worried what he would say about that, but first he wanted to get a urine sample from D, but they were playing and I took a nap on the dog bed...

So after 7 weeks I want everyone to know the food is still horrible.   I am looking into having food delivered, and there are a number of diet deliveries, but I only found one that deliverers only dinner.  So we will see come February and March.  I fear when we go off this portion, but maybe the continued weigh in is the secret.

We saw D yesterday when we saw wonderful Harry Potter - (great movie).  He didn't notice my weight loss, I guess it still isn't showing.  Maybe the next twenty?  Bummer.

I need to get to GV early because we need to exercise.  So I am off to pack.

Day 45 Thanksgiving

Today is a day of food and family get together.  We are going to Harry Potter, and I don't get food.  This week they messed up my order and I didn't get any soup :( and they gave me the wrong bars :(( and I now hate - hate tomato soup.  I can't almost gag it down.

I find that since I only have 4 drinks (and they are very small boxes) in the fridge that I should always be able to get to them, but everytime I go to the fridge to get my drinks they have been pushed to the back so the other food is more accessible.  It isn't like I ask for a lot of room in the fridge.

The housekeeper has made a fort of my boxes of mix.  It is rather cute.  Though I wonder how much time she has on her hands to do that.  She also likes to arrange TH's tanks and T's toys.

I am now drinking all 64 oz of water before 10 am.  The everything else is just water I want .

Happy Thanksgiving

Day 44 - Tuesday

Yesterday I went to WC to see big D and traffic was fine going in, and wasn't bad coming back either.  However, there was one moment while going through the tunnel that gave me pause.  A car was pulled half in half out of a lane with the emergency lights blinking and someone standing in front of it.  I see this taxi swerve in the person standing by the car got in and the taxi swerved back out and headed on towards the tunnel.  When I inched my way up to the car I kept looking for the taxi because I knew that there must be a bomb -  why else would someone leave a car.  Obviously it wasn't a suicide bomber or they wouldn't have gotten in the cab, so the bomb wouldn't go off while the cab was still in the vicinity.    So two things since I didn't hear about any bombings, it didn't go off or the person had to catch a plane and the car was a rental.  I thinking it was the latter.

I had weigh-in today so I had to rush home and exercise.  I was cheating trying to lose some weight before weigh-in - maybe dehydrate my body, not eat for the day, just anything to drop even one pound.  But when I got there no such luck.  On the plus my blood pressure was normal - maybe they can take me off the other medicine?

One member was complaining that she wasn't losing any weight and was worried that we were almost half over and she hasn't lost anything for three weeks without cheating.  Found out she wasn't always eating all the product and so it is a fine line you walk.  You must eat all the product, but not too much.

People are already talking about the transition to real food, so I am not the only one worried about it.  We are all  like an avid nonsmokers who curse and complain about other peoples smoke once we have stopped.  We are constantly watching to see how much food is put on anyone's plate, how much they are eating and how bad that food is.

Watch out foodies the watchdogs are coming.

Day 43 - Weigh in

Today is weigh in and I don't think I did very well today even though I did stick with the program..  I don't know why I am not losing.  Maybe it is a plateau week.  I hope so.  Very depressing.

I spend my whole day waiting for the chicken soup, mainly because it takes a while to eat/slurp.  Everything else is gulped down in a rush.  But the soup is savored and remembered until the next day.

I won't have time for a walk today, and maybe not tomorrow, but hopefully I can be back on Track by Friday.  Argh!!!  Probably that is why I didn't lose weight I didn't exercise enough.  Enough complaining.  Hopefully more tomorrow.

Day 42 - The "Walk"

Yesterday I wanted to go somewhere new, so we went down to Millbrea and walked along the Bay shore all the way up to Coyote Point.  The scenery was majestic, and I started to worry about how could NC possible beat this scenery?  The bay was at high tide and the waves were breaking against the walkway, and it was just so picture perfect that I had thought for a minute that this was a little slice of Heaven.

But not for long.  The wind was whipping at my back and the walk out was fairly uneventful.  About three quarters of the way out my knee started to act up, and I was thinking "is this it - is this going to be another injury or will the pain go away.  I live everyday in fear of my knee being like it was a couple of years ago and me not being able to walk.  But the pain let up.  So we made it to Coyote Point and I felt like my bladder was going to burst.  I had to go about half an hour into the walk.  I went right before we left, but when you have to go every hour on the hour a 3 hour walk you know you will have to go at least once.  I kept saying if we make it to Coyote Point it is a public park they will have bathrooms.  Me going in a public bathroom happens once in a blue moon, but it was a blue moon, and as TH says when you have to go you have to go.  They actually had two public bathrooms. and they were open!!!  So my bladder was released and I was ready for the upward battle home.

The wind buffeted me around and I watched as the skinny runner ran by us.  She must have been all of a 100 pounds and it was like the wind wasn't affecting her at all.  I was feeling a little envious, but I kept my mouth shut and tried not to make to many derogative comments about skinny runners...

When we got to our favorite restaurant TH asked if I wanted to stay there and he would get the car.  Imagine that,  I am the one training and he is the one willing to get the car and bring it back.  It should have been the other way around.  But I kept putting one foot in front of the other fighting the wind and winning one step at a time.  By the time we got to the car I was once more crawling.  I hurt from the soles of my feet to the tip of my nose.

I hurt so bad I didn't think I could drive to WC so I begged the man next to me who had politely stayed with me but had so wanted to forge on ahead faster then I wanted to go.  He agreed, but I had to do a lot of whining and begging and then I pulled out the big guns - I was so tired I might fall asleep and have a car wreck.  HE loves his cars so he reluctantly agreed.

Day 41 - TRAFFIC

T2 and BIL1 both moved out of the Bay Area because of the traffic.  Yesterday I was ready to join them.  It rained hard which explains most of the problems we had, but getting to WC it took an hour and 15 minutes which is about half an hour longer then normal on the way home we listen to 2 discs of a BOT - to put it in perspective when we go to GV (140 miles) we sometimes listened to 2 discs if the traffic is really bad.

Drivers were really crazy, there was one driver who decided to drive in the middle of the line (like a motorcycle - splitting the lane) and surprising no one honked or seemed to have noticed.  I felt that I was in a Twilight Zone movie were I was the only one who was seeing the monster on the wing.   At the bridge when all the lanes merge the car next to us and wasn't giving us the lane so for a short time we drove two across in one lane.  TH was of course the more aggressive and the other finally fell behind.

When I was driving I was in the turn lane and I turned and the car next to me honked.  I kept telling Ted that I hadn't done anything and they weren't honking at me, but he said they were.  I couldn't imagine such a thing until he said that they were turning from the wrong lane and I cut them off.   Oh yea that is right it was my fault they were stupid.

So I will drive out to Rossmoor again today.  Alone.  If I don't come home look for me in the TZ.

Day 40 - Finish of 6 weeks!

Well so far this has been fairly easy going, but yesterday I came to my first heavy duty crave.  All I could think about was a T-bone steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms.

It was the first time I have actually understood triggers.  I really didn't think that I had triggers, but I definitely do.  I found it interesting that I wanted a T-bone, because I wanted to munch on the bone.  Like T when she is stressed or excited will grab my shoe or a ball and run around the house.  Just having it in her mouth calms her down.  I used to laugh, play yell at her to see her grab up a shoe and walk around with it.  Poor baby, I do have a mean streak.

It didn't help that I forgot my food, so I didn't eat anything until 5pm.  Yesterday is a failed day.  You are suppose to eat every 3-4 hours and I went 10 before eating again.  I haven't exercised for the last couple of days and I am afraid that my program is broken.

But I have made it for the first six weeks and according to D that is how long it takes to break a habit.  That is time people go off diets.  That is the time peopel give up.  So I plow forward into week 7 hoping to get back into my groove.

XOXO

Day 39 - Food Food Food

Today was one of those days that just disappeared.  I did absolutely nothing and felt quite useless.  And though I didn't go off the program, I certainly didn't care.

We had a house guest today and it was quite difficult keeping all the "kids" playing nicely.  The white one seemed to have gotten a little of her umph back.  It is so nice when one can dominate another even if they are only a quarter of the size.  In the dog world size doesn't matter - all that matters is who intimidates the best and the white one has that down to a "T".  She does it with brute force - a nip on the butt, a pull on the ear, a nose in the gut.  She proudly will take down a wounded baby and crow about it.  Or howl about it ...

She stands proudly over the wounded baby and like a bully stands over a fallen kid and smiles brightly at all those that pass by.  Meanwhile the baby doesn't know she has just be dominated thinks it is all fun and games, but is now at the mercy and whim of the an Omega who has long been fighting to renew her position in the pack.  Humans must intervene for baby does not yet know that she is to submit and by not submitting she will be punished and today she can not be punished - because she has 12 stitches in her stomach and punishment may well rip out those stitches.  

This does not bode well for sleeping arrangements, for Omega will overstep her bounds with the Alpha and will eventually be cast out of the pack.   It is a given - Omega never gives up she will fight for Alpha position, so  tonight she will fight and again Alpha will hurt her again - Alpha is 108 pounds with all her teeth, Omega is only 38 pounds with 2 teeth.

And the new Omega leaves this pack to join her own pack were she is Alpha, and does not yet realize it -  But in time she will and when that happens our Omega will not be able to dominate but will be dominated and then our Omega will hang her head is shame and sorrow.  It will be a sad day when that happens. 

Day 38 - To the show

Yesterday we went to West Side Story, and I found myself singing along to all those classic hits.  When I was growing up I used to put on the record and dance .  Not the Jerome Robbins version but my version with leaping  and pounding and stomping.  Many a times dad would come downstairs and tell me to stop I was shaking the whole house.  I loved dancing back in the day.

The show was wonderful (even though the lead did have some trouble hitting a few of those notes), but we were towards the back of the theater and at the start of the show - when all was quiet - we heard I can't hear you speak up.  Someone was on their cell phone -and no attendants in sight.  It wasn't I have to go now the shows starting, or I will talk to you later, it was an irritable I can't hear you.  If I had the guts I wanted to say but everyone can hear you.  I can only imagine it was so rich old biddy.

In fact the whole audience was made up of rich old people.  If you were to choose to rob a theater this was the show to do it at.  Our seat mate must have been wearing $100K of jewelry, must have added at least 10 pounds to her slight frame and her perfect coiffed hair.  She sat next to TH during the first half, and moved over a seat for the second half - got tired of TH's arm in her chest I am sure (TH has very wide shoulders and he takes up more then the back of his seat).

I got my aisle seat so all was good for me.

Day 37 - Quick notes

We are going to see West Side Story today, it is suppose to be partly in Spanish, but I don't believe it.  We will see.

Group went well.  The KFC Chick didn't show up, so everyone was  pretty happy.

One person went off program, and said that she couldn't do anything about it, but she is thrilled because her BMI is under 30 now so she is no longer obese.  I think that when people get close to goal weight something clicks in the brain that they don't have to be as strict with the program.  It is like they are just a bit better then those of us who have a long way to go.

BMI under 30 did get scolded by the facilitator, not so much that she went off program, but she refused to document what it was she ate.  She told us that she just couldn't keep track of all she ate it was just too traumatic.  (She was at a funeral of her 98 year old grandmom.)

Putting the period inside the parentheses feels weird.

Love girl got lots of kudos.  She wore makeup and everyone said she looked really good.  Do you think if I wear makeup people will say the same about me?  Am I sounding green?

Well off for a walk.

Day 36 - Water logged and other random thoughts

It is suppose to be another sunny day well in the 70's and maybe reaching 80.  This San Francisco family has long adapted to the fog, we like the fog, we want the fog.  We like the fog because -

1/  It keeps us cool when we walk
2/  People don't feel they need to go out in the fog so usually we have parks and other outdoor venues to ourselves
3/ We don't see our neighbors
4/ Its romantic
5/ Edgar Allan Poe's poem
6/ No sunburns
7/ All that moisture in the air keeps my skin hydrated and plump
8/  I only have to drink 7 glasses of water instead of 8 (see 7)

Yesterday T&I went 4.4 miles, but I think that the pedometer is off.  T was definitely tired when we got home, went and crashed, I couldn't even get her to come up for dinner, so I took it down to her.  She was going to lay down and eat it, but I was damned if I was going to let her be that lazy, so I kept pulling the food away from her until she stood up...Am I evil or what.

Because I drink an ungodly amount of water I have to get up at least 3 and sometimes four times at night.  Now the question is do I turn on or keep the bathroom light off?  If I turn it on when I head back to bed I generally trip over something - specifically a white dog who is lying in the middle of the floor.  If I keep it off I fall asleep on the toilet.  Hmm dilemmas.

T1 is bringing the little one here today because tomorrow she is having a big operation.  It is always scary when your dog has this big scary operation.  The poor puppy will have her first bad thing happen to her since she was yanked away from her littermates.  But all will be well in the end.

Hey T2 - you have a new name - "Gossip Girl".

xoxo

Day 35 - First Social

Well I knew the day would come that I would have to go somewhere where there was food.  There were two good things about it - there was nothing there I wanted to eat and it was a buffet so no one noticed I wasn't eating.

It is hard for me to do normal chitchat when I am feeling up and perky, but when I am not which I haven't been perky or happy on this here diet I just couldn't bring myself to chitchat.  Most of the time I got my blank look out when people would talk with me, and I would pull a dad.  It actually was too hard to listen with all the background noise and I just didn't want to.  But TH was in full stride and as verbal and outgoing as ever.

I am finding out that I don't want to deal with any social situations even if it doesn't involve food.  It is so hard for me to sit and try to make conversation when most of the time my mind is blank.  I am finding that is hard to concentrate as well.  I am not interested in any books (except those I have on BOT) I think the idea of reading just tires me out.  So though I am not physically tired on this here diet I am mentally tired.  And always at the back of my mind is what is going to happen in January.

Enough of this..

Day 34 - The 8 miles that didn't happen

Well we didn't make the eight miles and that is a good thing.  We started out on our big walk and as we were walking people kept passing us by, walkers, runners, little old ladies and little old men.  This one woman blew by us running with her baby in a stroller, she wasn't jogging, but running.  She passed a walker who had blown by us a few minutes earlier, and I sat and wondered how they were going to keep up that pace.   It wasn't long until the runner was walking and the walker was passing her by, then the runner turned around and not to long after that so did the walker.  We did pass one couple.  They had a brand new German Shepherd and the puppy was taking in all the new sights and sounds it was very beautiful to see.    Did you know that I absolutely love puppies.

So we made it into the park all the way to the buffalo patch.  I wanted to go on, but TH knew better and made us turn around.  A good thing too - I almost didn't make the last mile.  As I was dragging back to the car I kept thinking oh dear I am going to have to tell T2 I can't walk 50 miles.  We got home and everything ached.  TH said he would have walked a bit faster, but he was being a good husband and keeping pace with me.  My spirits were really low, I have been walking T almost everyday for a month - we have worked our walks to be 60-90 minutes TH hasn't been walking and he had no problem with the walk.  

I wondered if the diet might have something to do with being so achy and tired.  According to the pedometer I used up the total amount of calories that I am allowed for the day.  Which means my body was either fueled by lean muscle or fat.  I hope fat - after yesterday I am not sure how much muscle mass I have left.

So I was worried about pain- that is the only good thing, today I feel fine.  Yesterday I didn't think I would be able to walk again for a week - today I think I can do it again.  But most importantly I had no knee pain during that entire walk!!!

Today is TH's sons baby shower, so no walk, just a very long drive.

Day 33 - T&TH's Excellent Adventure

Today T & TH are going adventuring, that is walking 8 miles.  We will see who gives up first.  I am thinking it will be me.  HE is a stubborn man, and I haven't walked more then 1.5 hours which leads me to believe that I cannot walk 8 miles yet.  We have decided to leave the dogs behind - which means we are going to have to take them for a walk when we get back.  We need a hot tub here in the city.

Yesterday T and I walked over hill and dell and everyone commented on T.  I don't know what it was usually nobody comments or even looks at her, but yesterday I kept getting the same question - is she full blooded GSD?  You know that they are not really dog people if they can't tell.  Finally one person asked if "he" was a German Shepherd, and I responded you got it half right and walked away.   Too subtle?  Maybe he was left pondering if she was German or a Shepherd - Oh well.

Wish me luck...

Day 32 - Casinos

Yesterday big D and I went to a casino to lose some money.  I enjoy playing the slots, but just once I would like to win big.  I haven't ever won anything more than $200 and that was back when I was poor and the $200 meant something.  But every time I go to the casino now I hope to win big - you know like $500K- I figure I have poured enough money into them that it is my time.  Everybody has a winning streak - where is mine?  With the $500K I would do many things, and all for me.  Not a generous person am I.

But I didn't win big and came home with an empty wallet.  I also starved big D.  Usually when we go to the casino we stop for breakfast, eat lunch and maybe stop for dinner.  This time I made her an English Muffin for breakfast, she had no lunch and I bought her an apple pie (Hostess) and a candy bar for dinner.  When she got out of the car she nearly fainted from hunger.  What an evil daughter am I.

I now understand BIL1 hatred of the bay area traffic.  We left at 3 or thereabouts and I didn't get home until 8pm.  The traffic was stop and go the minute we hit 580 - it was horrible.  I wanted to pound my fist and yell, but I didn't.

There was a welcome sight when we pulled up to her house and I felt all tension go out as little N jumped up and greeted me.  Have I said that that little one can jump?  Then T1 greeted me and life was good.

Day 31 - Smart Dog

We are off to the casino to make big bucks, or give up big bucks depends on the spin.  I have one game that I really like, but it cost like $4 bucks a pop to play.  But of course it is a penny machine.  All the little old ladies and little old men run for these penny machines thinking eh whats a penny.  Wrong!!!  In the old days it was nickel machines and you would pluck in your nickel and you would win or lose with that one nickel - now it is play up to 45 nickels ($2.25).  It would be better to do quarters which is usually max 3 (.75) or 5 (1.25), and the pay out is better with quarters.  My friend K likes the $1 but I just can't go there I will stick with my penny machine that charges me 400 pennies to play ($4.00).  Yea makes perfect sense to me.

So I am in the bathroom and I have this granite floor that is really slippery when wet (I know I know why have a slippery floor in a bathroom- ask the contractor)   Anyway T followed me in for her good morning rub down, which is our routine in the morning.  However, this morning there was water on the floor as I had filled her water bowl and had spilled the water coming out.  When she came in she slipped a bit and then gingerly made her way over to me.  It was hilarious watching how careful she was to make her way over the treacherous floor.  After arriving she stood on the bathmat and got a good rub down, then it was time to leave.  I walked out the door and turned around and there she was staring first at the floor then at me.  I told to her come and she just kept staring at the floor and then at me.  I told her she had to be a brave girl and come and she continued to stand there.  I just waited to see how long it would be before she got up the courage to follow me then she did the most amazing thing.  I had my towel and clothes on the bathtub edge getting ready to shower and she first knocked the towel on the floor and pushed it up over the bare floor, then she took my shirt in her mouth and walking on the towel dropped my shirt on the bare floor the grabbed my pants and did the same thing and she came prancing out of the bathroom gave me a quick sniff and a sly smile and walked off.    

Now that is one smart dog.

Day 30 - Group

Last night group was a bit of a free for all.  We had one person who got back from a wedding held in PV and talked about how she had the wait staff in the hotel, restaurants, and at the wedding doing her bidding.  I got the impression that if/when she loses all the weight she is going to be a bit of a princess.  So far she has admonished the clerk at the desk at least 3 of the the 6 weeks we have been coming in.  The first time was about the money, not that she didn't want to pay, she just didn't think it was the correct time to pay.  She went on and on in a fairly loud abrasive voice.  The second time was when she was going on a trip and wanted to order food for two weeks because she was going to be missing one week, and the third time was because she didn't know she was suppose to sign in and then be called up to pay.  Now it was the third time that was the most interesting to me.  We had been signing in since the first week as she must have done for the first two weeks, but for some reason she thought she should just stand in line.  I wasn't sure what she was thinking when the clerk called people up and they went ahead of her.  I guess the lack of food turned off her brain.  But she finally figured it out and kept talking to the clerk as she was checking people in how the clerk should have made it clear to her and how she had been standing there waiting blah blah blah.  Then when she went up to pay she made more comments about it and finally after group she made more comments about.  The next week she came in and signed in and made one more comment about it.  Talk about not letting something go...

We have one person in group that is getting therapy and she always is saying things like I am loving myself just the way I am no matter what weight I am.  I accept who I am no matter what weight I am.  But though the words come out of her mouth they don't follow her body language.  I don't know what it is, but I just get the feeling that she is not a happy person.   There is some vibe coming off her that I just don't like and out of everyone there she is the only one I haven't gone and talked to.

The most obnoxious person in the group though is this one lady.  She works at Kaiser so maybe that is why she is in the program.  I actually talked to her last night and did like her, but I am thinking she is a ringer.  She is the one who only has 20 pounds to lose and she is the one who isn't really doing the program.  So she did a check-in and said she forgot to eat at all one day so the next day she had KFC to make up for the food she didn't eat the prior day.  She talked about how hard it was to follow the program and we must have spent half the group time on her.  Finally, one person piped up and said are you sure you even want to be in the program, you aren't even trying...

It was actually an interesting night all in all, and I finally got my sleeping pills!!!!

 

Day 29 - Ocean Beach

Well when I finished trying to work I gathered T up and decided it was off for our walk and dang nab it I was going to do four miles if it killed me.  So I thought we would do Golden Gate Park because it is all up hill out and all down hill back so I grabbed my I-Touch and headed for the door only to find that my I-Touch was dead.  Battery all used up, no BOT while I walked - no Golden Gate Park.  So it was off to the beach.  The surf is so loud even with my noise cancelling earphones (which I have to say are truly spectacular) I can't hear my I-Touch so it is the one place I walk without it.

As I have said before walking on the beach is like walking in heaven or what I would expect heaven to look like.    It is the most wonderful experience one can possible have.  It beats mountains, plains, deserts and forests hands down.  Go to the beach if you really want to commune with nature and be a part of it.

So I wasn't really in the mood to walk to tell the truth, and I really didn't think without my BOT I was going to do four miles, but once we were walking along we both got a bit of a bounce in our step and we just kept going and going and going until we ran out of beach which low and behold was 2 miles.  The first mile was very easy - felt on top of the world, by the time we hit the 2 mile mark I was tired, but thought I could go another half mile and maybe even mile and make it back, but I was pleased with what we had done so we turned around and bam  we were walking into gale winds (maybe a little exaggeration but not much.)

By the time I got to the car I was almost crawling, and I didn't feel like the Ocean was my friend anymore.  Next time maybe I should start the other way.  

Day 28 - Four weeks already?

Can't believe it has been four weeks, time has a way of getting away from you no matter how hard you try to slow it down.  T Baby once told me she can diet because the day will pass anyway so why not let this day be a diet day.  I don't know it sounded better the way she said it.

Die - it.  What a dreadful word.  And I just can't get out of my funk.  Know why overweight people are happy?  Because they are always on a sugar high.  Miss my happy sugar highs.

Still haven't started working.  It is very hard to concentrate on work.  That is why I tried to get everything done before I started, but I still need to complete one more project and it is really hard for me to even think about it.  My brain is in total non work mood.  This diet is not just physical but mental, and I don't know how others manage to go to work everyday.  But those that do say it is harder on the weekends then during the week, so who knows, maybe I am the fool.

I haven't had food dreams, but I had another anxiety dream this time about the walk, but it wasn't a walk but a bike ride, and it wasn't flat it was all hills and I tried riding and I couldn't even get up a little hill, and the sponsor told me that they wouldn't let me ride because I was too out of shape, and I told them that the bike didn't have gears if I had my bike I might be able to climb the hill...

Ah well...

Day 27 - Dreams, water and other stuff

I dreamed of death last night.  Not that I was dead, but I was dying.  I was with someone and they had hooked up the chemo to my hand.  I thought about it and thought I was just too tired to do anymore chemo so I took the chemo out.  Then I started thinking I am only 48 years old it isn't fair to mom and dad for me to die, so I tried to put the chemo back in and I couldn't.  I started thinking about death and its finality and thought I can struggle a little more...

Now I don't know how I came up with my age, but I do know that I didn't have chemo when I was 48.  I think the dream had something to do with the diet, but I just don't know.  I will ponder it and get back to you on that.

Water ... ugh ... I decided I was dehydrated yesterday so I started to drink more water.  Trying to get back to drink flush drink flush.  So I kept drinking all day and all night and finally I feel hydrated again, however, I am totally sick to my stomach.  I have drunk so much water my stomach aches.  I try and wake up and drink cold water in the morning before anything (they say that will jump start your metabolism that it is harder to process cold water then warm water - and I am trying to do exactly what they tell me to do.)  This morning I got up and downed 16 oz of water then finished what was in my bottle (maybe 4 ozs) and I was sure that I was having some kind of attack.   It almost felt like what it feels like when I overeat, but this time no delicious food was involved.  So we know that 20 oz of water over fills my stomach, I am not sure if that is a lot or not.   But I do know I just put 1.33 pounds in my stomach.  I have to think about this for a while and I will get back to you.

Finally my leg was killing me yesterday.  TH thought hamstring, T2 thought hamstring or sciatica (sp), I just don't know, but I do know this stupid diet won't let you take pain relievers, so I was in pain for most of the day and that put me in a bad mood.  Maybe that is were the dream came from.  Anyway I woke and the pain is gone. 

So it is raining today.  I haven't worked in a week, maybe today I will work.

Day 26 - Optifast Part II

So the shakes taste terrible (it is mostly the aftertaste) and they can come through your pores (like garlic), but I haven't been hungry on this - yet.  The last time I dieted with a program I was always hungry and light headed, neither which has been a problem on this diet.  Nor have I had much in the way of cravings of other food. 

But that doesn't mean I don't miss food.  I do.  Alot.  When TH makes eggs I miss eggs, when TH makes toast I miss toast, I am sure you get the picture.  But just on my own with no food cues around I don't miss anything.  I don't know if this is unusually, but to me it tells me that I eat alot with my eyes.  I don't spend my whole day thinking about food and I don't think often (I think about it sometimes) about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet. 

On those days that I think about what I am going to eat when I get off the diet is usually triggered by a picture.  But it has a lot to do with when I last ate also.  If I haven't had a shake for a while and I see food I am triggered, but if I have had a shake then  not so much.  They say that there is no appetite suppressant in the shake, but I am not so sure.  However, in group I hear about 3/4 of the group are hungry all the time - so I guess that is what makes a horse race.

One of the things people complain about in group is the amount of food ads there are.  I already knew this from 30 years ago when I did my first major diet.  I sat in the group stunned that these people didn't know that.  Was I the only one who had dieted before?  It kind of bothered me.  Was everyone else virgin dieters?

The only thing negative so far is I am bit depressed.  I vaccilate between thinking I have to do this for the next 82 weeks or I am going to fail.  Sometimes I just want to burst out crying not because I am hungry or tired, but because I have this huge hill in front of me and I don't know if I can make it to the top.   I know I only have 12 more weeks on the shakes and that freaks me out.   In some ways I wish that I could just lose all the weight on the shakes and then try real food, but that isn't how the program works.  I can, though, stay on 3 shakes a day and the rest regular food - but what is regular food.    Well I have 3 more months to figure that out.

And that is it so far...

Day 25 - Optifast

Per T2's request - My first 4 weeks.

I had serious concerns starting out on this diet whether or not I could handle just drinking the Optifast shakes and not knowing what the shakes tasted like.   Furthermore, I was/am traumatized over what I am going to do after the 17 weeks and I have to fend for myself.    In many ways it was like adding a baby to the family, not knowing if I can handle it, but knowing I couldn't just give up.

TH emptied all cupboards and refrigerators of all food for that first week only to find out that the actual shakes didn't start until the following week.  Instead of loading up the house with food again I just bought the product on line and started  three days early.

The week before I started I had a farewell party for all my favorite foods, Indian a couple of times, pizza, steak and cake with lots and lots of icing (oh and donuts, hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, sushi and cookies).  I literally ate myself sick that by the time I started I was happy not to be eating, which made the first day very very  easy.   Sort of...

The shakes are nasty tasting, and I didn't know that they needed to be blended so the first shake I had was chocolate and I had these big wet brown clumps that made me gag when I tried to swallow them.  I tried in the beginning to make the shakes a meal, sit down and enjoy, but there is no enjoying these puppies, I drink them to sustain myself nothing else.  I tried putting ice and making frozen shakes, but it just took longer to drink it down, and the shakes leave a really bad after taste.  I went to kiss T and she keeled over in a dead faint.  I personally think that she was exaggerating a bit, but if it smelled as bad as it tasted maybe not so much huh.

When I went in the first day that we were to start the product I had lost two pounds, (I am thinking maybe more since I did kind of pig out for 4 of those 7 days), so I was off and running a bit ahead of the pack.  Yea ME!!

Throughout the first week I had no problem with the product except that they taste terrible, and I did discover the soups are delicious (no aftertaste)!!!  I make the soup the last item of the night and it is like my desert for the day.  I look forward to the soup.

So that first week I diligently drank my shakes taking a little sip and then some water  - oh yea 64 oz of water a day.  From someone who doesn't drink water that was a tall order and it was wrecking havoc with my system.  Drink flush drink flush drink flush - all day and all night.

So the second week I just couldn't stand it anymore - I poured the shake into the glass and drank it down in a single gulp.  Ten seconds at the most and it was done.  I do that with the water now too.  I get up in the morning pour two glasses (20 oz) of water and down it.  Then I get my tea!!!

There is much more to tell, but you will have to wait until tomorrow.  As my ex-boss T says Happy Friday!!!