Day 81- New Years Eve

Today we are planning on going to the museum, but I don't know if we will get there.  Best laid plans of mice and men you know.

We were going to GV, but I saw that it might snow on Saturday and I know TH would insist on leaving even if we were in the middle of a blizzard - gotta get hunting.  So for the safety of the kids I insisted that we stay home.

I walked with J yesterday, and I have to say I really enjoyed her.  She is very funny and she loved gossiping as well so we got along really well.  We dissed all the cheaters and laughed at their rudeness and basically had a nice walk.

However the winds were blowing on the way home so it was a little harder back then out.
By the by she agrees that "lapsing" should not be "okay".

Well hopefully I will get my tea soon and we can get on the road.

day 80 - No walk

Yesterday I got in the car for a walk and we got down to the beach, got all ready and ended up back in the car in less then 2 minutes.  The wind was blowing so hard that I was eating sand before I even got on the sand, and for those of you who don't walk on the beach a lot that is not the norm.  Even on normal windy days I never eat sand.

I got home and looked up the wind speed and it said 10-20 mph - I knew that couldn't be right so I found real time, and they were say 26 mph with gusts up to 50 miles.  I think it was more in the 30 or 40 than the 20's as it was buffeting my body all around.

But the wind surfers were out in force and it was amazing to watch them catch a breeze and take off - flying up over the ocean wave.  Amazing.  I have always said if they had this sport when I was younger this is what I would have done.  And the arm strength that must take.  Ahh to be 20 years younger...

So we came home without a walk and Darling T just couldn't shut up all afternoon.  I think she was punishing me for taking her out and then not letting her stay.  You don't always get what you want.

So today I am walking with one of my group people that should be verry interesting...

Day 79 - Different Faciliator

Last night we had a different group leader.  She has been doing this for five years and was telling us that Oakland  has 30 groups going right now (SF has 3.)  So she asked if we had questions about the long-term on the group and someone asked how many people keep the weight off.  She wouldn't answer.  Another said that she heard it was 25% did that sound right - and she wouldn't answer.

What she did say is that if you take the weight off and keep it off for a year studies show you will keep it off for five years.  So that is why they have the 82 weeks.

Then we talked about Christmas and cheating.  She said that she didn't like calling it cheating but lapses off plan. Then she said that lapsing is perfectly acceptable and it teaches you how to deal with difficult situations.  So whereas the other facilitator would have said you really need to stay on the plan because this is the time that you lose weight and going off plan will slow this active weight loss up, she said thats okay as long as you got back on the plan.  Basically what I got from her was "lapsing was good" because it taught you stress points.

Hmm.  So we have one person on the plan who got really sick and she didn't want to take any medicine because she didn't know what it would do to her active weight loss.  She called the doctor asking her what she could take for her cold and if it would be off plan.  Then you have someone who periodically cheats and said that she ate all day Christmas - whatever she wanted - but she didn't enjoy the food and was back on plan, and then another who said that she ate 30 Almond Roca because her brother upset her.  Everybody else stayed true to plan.

We talked about staying on the plan after the 16 weeks and she said that if you felt you needed to stay on the shakes that it would probably be a good idea to stay on the shakes.  She stated that a number of her groups had people who continued on the meal replacement even after the 16 weeks -  as long as their health was good.

So those are the facts I am not sure I agree with her about the "lapsing" but she had some good information.

Day 78 - Blood and boot day

Well I was planning (what do they say about plans and mice and men?) to walk around Lake Merced twice, but as I feared when I got to the car I just jumped in - couldn't help myself.  So I think if I am going to do the twice around I will have to stop 1/2 a mile away and then go back.  I was worried about T getting tired, I have really been pushing her lately, and I don't know if she is up to these walks.  But she doesn't limp or whimper so I think she is okay - I hope.  I was worried that there wasn't going to be any water along the way, but there is a fountain  about half way around and I couldn't really get her to drink so I guess she was okay.

T is so good walking with.  The first T liked to chase anything that moved faster then she did so it was a constant struggle walking with her in public.  I had to find out of the way places and it was impossible to walk with her on leash.  She made it so diffucult that I could walk with her early in the morning before anyone was up or she walked off leash somewhere.  T on the other hand doesn't give a rats about runners, bicyclist, joggers, walkers or motorcyclists.  She doesn't really care about other dogs either if she can stop and sniff their butts.  So I can walk with her on leash, and when I need her to get out of someones way she will stay close (equivalent to a heel) to me.  

On the negative side she is not interested in anything but her toys so I am not sure how much fun the walk is for her, but I enjoy the company so who cares.

Today I give my blood, I hope they get it right this time  Then we are going to REI.  My feet are absolutely killing me.

Day 77 - Monday Morning

Well the hardest day of the year has passed and I made it.  I love Christmas - I love the food and I love the whole feeling of the season and it is so sad when it goes.  Before I came to San Francisco I never really had Christmas, I usually worked on that day so I didn't really know what it was like, but TH has opened my eyes to the whole thing.  Thank you TH.

We went for a walk yesterday, and my poor feet got really sore.  TH keeps telling me he will take me to REI to get a new pair of shoes, but I keep thinking that all those shoes I bought will finally be perfect.  I am trying to save up my favorite pair to do the walk in.  So maybe if I just put a couple of more miles on the shoe it will feel better.

TH told me soak my feet in salt water.  Hmm - I suppose, but I really don't know how that will make the balls of my feet feel any better when I go for a walk.

I heated up a piece of chicken for T for breakfast this morning and it was fun to watch her dance.  Quivering like I was giving her something super duper special.  Love my mooch.

I didn't realize until just a minute ago I hadn't exercised for a few days.  Maybe that was the problem.  Well we will go somewhere today and see how it is...

Day 76-Fun in the City

TH's Fabulous table

Big D - but only one she says

Okay when nobody is looking I am going in.

The love me they really love me

Taking out the loot before we change our minds.

Just Happy

She is keeping an eye on the food too

Lets not forget the white one

Day 75 - Christmas

Merry Christmas!!!

Day 74 - Christmas eve without T2 & BIL1

It is hard to believe that we won't have our whole family this year and we aren't going for our Christmas Eve Brunch.  It just means that next year will have to be a bigger and better celebration.    Come home ET!!

Well we miss all who are not here and wish you a happy/merry christmas.

xxoo

Day 73 - Habits

We are trying to get the house set up for Christmas and I still need to clean two rooms.  But I decided that today no matter what I was going to try and do 10 miles.  Of course if T gets tired we will probably do less.  I just can't imagine doing a walk without her.  I know that TH (no not TSH that is what they test for my when they are testing my thyroid) goes with me, but the last three weekends we have both backed out.

It is part of the problem with trying to change bad habits in this house.  We let each other do things we know we shouldn't, but with another person saying lets be lazy it isn't all on you then.  It is giving permission to keep the status quo.  It is something both TH and I have to work at.  As much as I would like to say it was all his fault, I know we share the blame.  What we probably need to do is make a plan for a while and stick to it.  And I love planning.

And yes I believe now that being overweight is a bad habit.  No matter how you slice it overweight people eat too much.  You hear all the time how thinner people hardly eat, well as we all know now they do eat, it just isn't how much overweight people eat, but if you added up their calories you would find that they are eating within the recommend range.  At group the facilitator told us we probably were all consuming between 4000 to 6000 calories a day.  Who knows, but we do know that we were consuming more then1200 calories...

I know now that I can't count calories as I go.  I have to know what calories I have before I even begin the day. Basically I need to know exactly what I am going to have for the day and not deviate from that.

The facilitator told us to write down all these things that are going through our head during this process, and as we go forward in the program to go back and read these things when things might get confusing for us.  I think it is a good idea, but probably not very interesting for those reading this little blog.  - Sorry about that.

Day 72 - Getting close to first goal

When I started this program I had little goals I wanted to meet - and one of them was to get to a certain weight before January 1.  I calculated and recalculated and thought yes this is something I can do.  I am so close and yet so far.  I need to lose 6.3 pounds by December 31, and I think that I am probably going to be 2 pounds shy.  But I think I can make it by January 4.

We had another cheat this week, so that makes three (this week).  For me it is just hard to understand why anyone would cheat.  They have made it so easy not to cheat that I wonder sometimes if the ones that cheat are the ones that don't keep the weight off.  They should do a study and see if there is a correlation between those that regain weight and those that cheated on the program.

Every group that I have ever been at says accept that you will have a bad day but accept it and move forward.  Weight Watchers actually builds in a certain amount of "cheating" as they give you extra points to use one day or everyday - however you want to use those extra 2000 thousand calories.  But it is like smoking cigarettes - can a smoker really cheat and have one cigarette?  I couldn't.  When you are breaking a habit it is all or nothing.  That is why losing weight is so hard for people.  This is a habit you can't just quit.  You have to eat and you have to eat enough to keep you going and active.

So Optifasts offers just that - enough nutrients to keep you active and enough food to keep you going.  Most of the people are eating 960 calories I am eating 1120 calories, and that for my needs is good enough.  I am not weak, not tired, not grumpy and for the most part not wanting to eat.  I could not allow myself to cheat at this point in time.  It would absolutely devastate me.

Cheating isn't an option and I understand that the program is trying to keep those that fall off the program on the program by saying thats okay you cheated yesterday just get back on today - but it isn't okay for me.

This part of the diet is the no brainer, it is what comes next that will be the trial - because what comes next is you are sometimes in the dark about whether your cheating or not.  Is having a piece of pizza, but staying in your calorie range cheating?  How about two - three - four?  I can save calories from yesterday so I can have cake today?  Does it really work that way?  Again I don't think you can have that piece of cake when you are trying to lose weight, no matter how many calories you saved up for it.  Maybe when you are maintaining, but not during active weight lose.

Oh this could go on and on - Just some random thoughts

Day 71 - Thinking of Changing this blogs name

We started our walk a little later then normal, and this is what we saw when we started.

And this is what we saw 30 minutes from the car (it got darker as we went) picture taken with camera phone it was more dramatic then this picture is showing.

It was low tide so we were able to go our 6 miles, I was going to go 8, but it got way too dark and I got spooked.

I tripped on the only rock on the whole beach and went down, but not to bad it was like falling on a bed, so I wasn't hurt - problem was I couldn't get my big frame back up.  I am so afraid to put that much weight on my poor knees without help, but I bit the bullet and did stand up finally.  I fell right by a family playing with their dog, and it was a real Witch to keep T in line while I kept attempting to stand up.  If someone had a camera they could have sent it into  America's Funniest Videos.  I have the leash wrapped around my hand trying to stand and then T goes lunging towards the dog and I fall flat in the sand again.  The family just watched in amusement, nobody came to help.

As I was walking I saw a huge crowd gathered.  At first I thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me, as it was like close to freezing and the wind was blowing and it was getting dark.  So I thought maybe those are pylons that I had never noticed before, but as I got closer I saw no that they were people.  At first I thought they were a cleanup crew, but the beach was pretty clean and it was a pretty odd time to be out.  Then I thought maybe it was a field trip for little kids, but they seemed a bit too tall to be little kids.  I finally concluded it was a HS party being held on the beach - maybe Christmas- maybe a keg - who knew.  As I got closer I passed one of the people on the outskirts and he appeared to be drinking beer, but he seemed older then HS, but what do I know about how old people are?  Once you hit my age peoples ages are placed in three categories - older - younger - my age.  Anyway about half a mile away I was smelling what smelled like strong perfume, so I decided yes it was a bunch of HSers doing the mating dance.  But as I pulled up I noticed that there were little kids dogs and people of all ages, but lots of them.  They were all huddled around something and I figured they were trying to start a fire.

All very interesting, but I needed to get to our turn around place before it got dark and I didn't want to be out to late after dark - so we trudged past just hoping on our way back they weren't going to be all rowdy and obnoxious.

As I headed back I saw that they had the fire going and it was smoking like crazy.  I was surprised that they could stand it, my eyes were watering and I wasn't even close to it.  As we neared them I saw two of them go racing towards the water and I thought to myself they look naked.  Nah - it was just too cold but I kept looking and yes they were naked.  As I got closer an older lady started walking towards the beach slowly and  unclad except for her many tattoos.  She was followed by two menacing (fully dressed) men who gave me such looks as that led me to think that maybe these were guards to protect the foolish nymphs who played in the 40 degree water.  I looked, hell I have never been to a nude beach before I don't know the protocol, but if you walk in front me I am going to look.

As we passed the group I notice that they had candles out and decided that they must be Wicca's, but they got the date wrong - tomorrow (today) is the solstice.  As we went on by I heard a bunch of screaming and I turned around and saw a pale streak running into the ocean.  It looked like the entire group had shed there outerwear and was joining the other fools in the freezing water.  I wish I had taken a picture of it, but I think the bodyguards would have beaten me up.

Day 70 - 10 Weeks!!!

This is probably getting old, but I have finished up 10 weeks of the Optifast product and I have five more full weeks on it.

I did have a setback Saturday.  I let my head go places it really shouldn't have gone.  I was thinking boy it should would be nice to eat...anything.  I was deep in thoughts about how I didn't care that I was overweight and that I really wanted to eat something.  I fallen off many diets with those thoughts, but right now sitting here writing this blog I am not sure what that feeling was or what exactly those thoughts were.  And it wasn't until Sunday did I realize that those weren't good thoughts.

Sigh, I thought I was better but it looks like I have been living in lala land.  I figured that it was the stress from being pulled over, and that I do have" triggers" other then I like the taste of food.  And now I will be going into my stressful season having to eat food - blech.   If I hadn't been on Optifast I would have eaten.  So when I can make decisions about food other then Optifast will I choose wrong - again?

One of the thoughts that was going through my head was I would never ever lose all the weight so why try.  Though I have gotten a good start I have so much to lose, and it won't be done in a year.  I guess I must just forge forward worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Day 69 - Gee officer Krupke - Krup you

Yesterday I went off to bond with my "group" on a walk around Crissy Field.  I might have been to Crissy Fields once in my life time and I didn't drive.  When I printed directions it had me doing all these weird loop de loops and so I tried a more direct route.  I printed my map out that I didn't have to do any loop de loops and I headed off to Crissy Field with my trusty dog.

It took longer then was printed on the map, I left a bit later then the directions said so it appeared according to there time I would only be five minutes late.  Everything was going fine and my directions said two more minutes and I would be at my destination - then disaster hit.  I got to my exit and got off and found myself in the middle of a construction zone.  This road - that road - all roads seemed closed, so I headed towards the water as best I could.  I meandered through the Marina for a good five ten minutes before I even found the water, then I found myself surprising on the street that I was suppose to be on, but no Sports Basement in sight.  So I drove a little further only to find I was no longer on Mason... Poo.  I am now 23 minutes late and I am sure that they will have started without me, but I thought since I was there I could at least walk the Pooch.

About five minutes later I find the Sports Basement.  They picked it because they have lots of parking, but a week before Christmas?   There was a security guard and he looked at me suspiciously as I drove through the parking lot three times.  Even if I wanted to park there there were not parking spots - so far I was not doing to well.

I went further out looking for parking and turned around and drove through Sports basement parking lot one more time.  On my way out of the Sports Basement parking lot a park police followed me.  I wasn't to worried I was just going home. I had set the Garmin to take me home I was done with the whole Crissy field thing.

So Ms Garmin told me to turn left and I turned left.  The next thing I know I have the Park police lights blazing pulling me over.  I did not have a clue what I had done, and since I knew they were behind me I was totally surprised.  I mean what fool is going to break the law with cops behind them?

I waited in the car for a full ten minutes before they even got out.  Then the AH came up to me and asked if my foot was on the brake.  Yes I said, but the parking brake is on and I have it in park.  He said take your foot of the brake take your foot off the brake.  Twice?  I mean really how many Jack Reacher books have you read?  What do you think I am some kind of drug runner.

So he said you made an illegal left turn.  I said politely I didn't see any sign that said no left turn and he said you would have to be blind not to have seen that sign.  I decided not to tell him that Ms Garmin told me to turn left he probably would have given me a ticket for following her and not paying attention to the road.

He asked for my licenses and registration and proof of insurance.  I gave him everything, but proof of insurance was expired on the December 7.  It was all I had.   He threw the insurance back at me telling me it was expired (well not threw but it felt like it) and I handed it back to him saying it was all I had.  He took it and went back to his car.  Then we sat for another 15 minutes...

When he came back both the cops got out of the car and one went over to T's side of the window and the AH came and gave me a ticket.  He said he was giving me a break by not citing me for not having proof of insurance, and here was my $125 no left turn ticket.  Have a nice day.  The the other cop smiled at T and got back in the car and I drove away. AH

So I have decided I am never ever ever going to Crissy Field again - so there!!!

Day 68 - Rain again?

As I have said before T1 wimped out on me on the walk yesterday, but to be honest I didn't go either.  It was raining - hard.  To put it in perspective it was like taking a shower with all your clothes on.  So no I didn't go.  It is suppose to rain today, and yes it is drizzling, but I am tough I can handle that.

We are suppose to have a group walk at Crissy Field, I don't know how many people will show up, but I promised and as T2 has said I break my promises too much, so my new years resolution is to keep all promises I make next year.  Chances are I am not going to be making very many promises!!

So T saw me put my shoes and coat on (I put my coat on because it is *@@*!! freezing in this house.  TH likes to keep it cold, and it didn't bother me so much before, but now it is like I feel like my nose is going to fall off.  So I always wear two shirts and now I have to wear a coat as well.  What are we in a depression?  Oh yea back to the coat so T saw me put on the coat and she started to do her little dance until I came over and started to type.  She is now looking at the window growling.  Nothing is out there - everyone and everything is hidden in this weather.

I am testing a theory that if I look at the back of her head long enough she will turn around.  Lets see...Well it took about a minute and I had to telepathically send we were going for a walk, but those ears were a twitching.

So I felt like a real pro as I wrapped my toes in mole skin.  It is just the one foot.  The other shoe is perfect and I had no pain or blisters - nothing.  So we will see how this works.

Well we are off to walk in unknown territory.  Here is hoping that it won't be to crowded with dogs or I will have one sore arm.

Day - 67 - Fused toes

Yesterday was all about excercise.  T& and I did a walk on the beach (which was very crowded) and I did wear my new shoes and my feet are very blistered and sore (well one foot.)

When I got home from the walk I was afraid that my toes had fused together.  It has happened once before.  So I carefully pulled off my socks and pulled my tootsy apart.  Thankfully they hadn't fused yet.  One toe did have a burst blister, but the others were okay.  I am in the making of calluses on my toe next to the baby toe.  I think that is a strange place to have calluses.  Oh well who wants to hear about my feet problems? Raise your hand.

Today is going to be all about cleaning.  T1 backed out of our beach walk because of a little rain.  Sheesh wimp.
T & I will still do our walk rain or no rain.  Actually the rain can be quite fun.

And then we are going to NARNIA!!!!  My favorite of all series.  CS Lewis is my hero.  I seriously think if you have never read the Narnian series do so and if you have read it read it again.

I have been planning that trip for ohh so long (to Narnia).  Just don't know how to get to the world between the worlds.

Day 66 - Quiet Day

Yesterday was a quiet and boring day.  M came by to help straighten my office, but it looks just as wild as it did before.  The only interesting thing was watching a movie with TH.  I actually liked it better then any of the other movies that we watched.

I am going to try and experiment - I am going to have one extra product this week to see if that will jump me off the plateau.  It can't hurt to try.

I Seem to recall when I was at this weight before I had a heck of a time trying to lose weight as well.  It might be one of my set points so I just need to be patient and ride it through.

It was suppose to rain today but it is beautiful instead.

Walky walky.

Day 65 - Walk in the Rain?

Yesterday was weigh-in and again I was disappointed - oh well.  But T& I got a lovely walk.

I decided to do the beach yesterday, it was overcast  and I was guessing not a whole lot of people would be there.  But before we left I took a bunch of Glucosamine and two Tylenol.  Always prepared.  So off we go.  It was nice, cool, but not cold a perfect day for a walk.  The first we encountered was a couple taking pictures of each other.  She would pose, then he would pose as I came closer, they both turned to look at me.  I saw a fleeting look of hope then they looked down to see why my arm was extended straight out.  Yup/nope they weren't going to ask me to take their picture - I could see the disappointment in their eyes as a trundled by.

Next came a couple romping barefoot in the ocean.  They were laughing and splashing, and even T thought they were a bit off.  There was a name spelled in the sand - STELLA  - and I wondered if she was named after one of Vachss character?  We left them playing in the surf - hopefully they wouldn't be too uncomfortable on the way home stupid fools.

Then came the horses pounding up the beach towards us.  T doesn't quite know what to make of horses, but she thinks if they run she should run.  All I see in horses is T getting kicked in the head.  So I drag her kicking and screaming away from those running horses and she calms down, 5 minutes later they come up behind us.  This time it is up to them to stay away - and they do.  They passed us four more times.  Geez isn't there another beach they can ride at?

Then we come across five people - another group of picture takers - but this time they have a young child in their arms.  They too are romping and smiling and laughing, but as soon as they see us they gather up their things and walk to their car.  We must look menacing.  Stupid tourist.

We encounter two runners and three people walking their dogs.  All in all not many people on this glorious beach, no surfers no fisherman, no clammers or beach combers.  I suppose the pouring rain might have had something to do with that - you think?

Day 64 - Tuesday

It is Tuesday again.  Funny how it comes around every seven days.  I have again been weighing myself everyday and nothing seems to be happening.  How long does one stay on a plateau?  Oh well enough.

I went and saw a movie with big D and B yesterday.  Movie was interesting. Actress though had way to much botox.  Isn't acting suppose to be about expressions?  What happens when they are incapable of expressions?   They become bad actors - right - so wouldn't you think they would stop with the botox?

Me - no matter what - I will never do botox.  Maybe a face lift, but never botox (and the face lift will have to allow me to smile) I just can't imagine putting poison in my body on purpose.

T and I did go for our walk yesterday, but I again cut it short because I got nervous about 5 thugs just hanging out were we wanted to go.  I keep saying I am not going back there, but I do enjoy the park and T enjoys it and it usually is pretty empty.  Where to go today?  I am up for any suggestions.

Maybe I will leave my beloved home and go to the zoo.  Maybe the zoo will come to me.  One can only hope.

Day 63 - My beloved T

My bunny hopping loving sweet girl has really got the short end of things.  I feel guilty every time she comes into my office and sits in her chair looking longing out.   The window is covered in nose prints making a mosaic of her longing.  I call her name and she whips her head around always with a glint of hope that now is the time that she gets to be out in that glorious outdoors.  She whimpers softly at times thinking that it will touch my heart, but all I do is tell her to stop whining.

The cruelty to be subject completely to human whims and desires seems unfair, but call her with a lilt and a laugh and she lets you know that she thinks life is grand.  And tell her you are taking her for a walk - watch out - you won't find that kind of excitement in any human child.

She knows I am writing about her, she is watching with a smile, knowing our game, a call, a butt rub and it is back to the window.  Sometimes she tries to anticipate the call, but I am smarter then she is and I wait until she is back in her chair.  Now she is sitting in-between, knowing I can't stand not seeing her.  Wait for it- I call her once more and once more she comes bounding over, but this time it she is there faster then I can blink an eye - it just up and step.  We do our hugs and rubs and now she goes just a bit closer to her chair knowing the game is close to the end.

It isn't like she wants to run away, she wants me to be with her when she goes out. For her it doesn't matter where we go, as long as we go together.  She lets me know it is just more fun with the two of us and for that I am grateful.    Other dogs like to be in the outdoor and they don't care if the human is along.  They go racing out the door the minute it is open and they are off to who knows where, and yes so does T.  But she doesn't go racing down the street or next door but to the car where she runs around it waiting for me to come out and open it so *we* can go.

So off *we* go...

Day 62 - Cleaning

Well that isn't quite right title, more like straightening up.  So I decided that I was going to rest my poor aching body so I decided between my games I would straighten up the living room and dining room.  So in the process of that I ended up spending over $4K because I decided we needed a oversize bookcase and I need more file cabinets.

So we are junk collectors - straightening the living room I found Christmas presents from my loving hubby over 4 years old still pristine and in the wrapper.  Oh yea I wanted to try that out - oh did you see this - oh wow I forgot how beautiful that was.  You know we have way too much stuff...

So I took all the stuff that was in the living room/ dining room and distributed to the various room.  Unfortunately for me most of the stuff was mine, so now I am once more in a completely unworkable office - so my next move is to clean this monster up.

My office has enough junk in it so this just made it that much worse.  You read about people being dead for days before someone finds them and they have this little room with stacks and stacks of junk - that is my office.  However, there is one clear path and that is for T because she needs to get to her chair and the window.

So I try and make my way to the computer tripping all the way just so I can write this not so exciting blog.  Maybe something exciting tomorrow.

Day 61 - 55 day left of all liquid

I am really hoping to lose another 25 pounds in the next 55 days.  But I think that I am on a plateau so that may not be as easy as I think.  By using my calculations of calories in and calories out I should be 10 less then what I am, so either my body has gone in that dreaded "starvation" mode or is on a plateau.  

Now it would be nice if it was a plateau so I would be here for a few weeks and then drop like 10 pounds in one week.  Catch up if you would.  

I know this is suppose to be about the diet, but unlike anorexia I am not totally obsessed with food.  Because I can't eat, I have this whole attitude right now that food is fuel.  When I get feeling a little hungry I grab a shake, their are no cravings and I don't feel like I am missing out.  Some interesting changes are that I am finding that when I get bored I am no longer heading towards the fridge, but putting on my walking shoes and heading for the door.  If I have any obsession it is about the dang walking.  I fret about it, think about, talk to myself about it...if you could have heard my conversation in the car last night...  

There are some smells that do trigger a response, but most foods smells I just find nasty.  We went to the Dickens Faire last weekend and the stick of food was just that - nasty.  When I come home and smell TH cooking something I just want to get away from that smell.  But at the theater yesterday the smell of popcorn was wonderful.  I decided that I am going to get one of the popcorn carts and have fresh popcorn rather then that nasty microwave stuff.

So I can finish up these last 55 days (maybe 62 for me) and then I will start to worry about food.  I have a plan in place - but you know what they say about plans.

 

Day 60-Oh Dear

I once again had death dreams.  It was truly horrible.  The person who was sick was 10 years old I think it was Dakota Fanning, but in my dream she was related to me.  We had someone coming over and didn't want them to know so we put her in the bed room and I got so worried I wanted to go in and see her, but T1 wouldn't let me, she told me to let her sleep.

I took the dog out and when I cam back she was lying on the kitchen table so she could be close to us and she was so sick.  I went over to her trying not to cry and  she looked at me and asked me to stay with her until she fell asleep.  I knew when she fell asleep she would die, and I just wanted to stop it.

I don't know if it is the diet, but I have found that I am disoriented when waking.  Many times I don't know where I am - or when I am.  At first waking I am confused and wonder if this is how dementia people see the world.  Very disconcerting.  Since this has been happening more and more frequently I figured it was either the diet or the the over the counter sleep aids.  So last night I decided not to take them and I ended up with this dream.  - at least on the sleep aids I don't have dreams.  Maybe that is why I am disoriented.  But this dream lingers with me and even now I feel out of sorts.

Day 59 - Pain in the butt

I have this pain in the butt that will wake me up, so I try and find different ways to position it at night so I won't have the pain. I can't figure out what it is so I go online for a diagnosis but the closes is PGP and I know it isn't that.  So I am self diagnosing it as a pain in the butt.

Yesterday M was here and we talked about swimming.  I got so excited she brought this video tape of starts and turns and I just had to have the whole series.  So I bought them.  No impulse control at all.  Like I am ever going to be a competitive swimmer again.  Oh well.

I thought that I might go walking today, but then I thought rest that pain in the buttocks and see how you are tomorrow.

Day 58 - A Deeper Magic

Anyone who is a fan of CS Lewis knows what that deeper magic is.  A magic before the world was made, so deep that even the most powerful are not aware of it.  Only the one that was there knows this magic and even he does not control it.

I came across a deeper magic of my own.  Before the time of TH, before I came to this beautiful City, before this blog.  Another sense of self and being.  As I travel forward, I realize that I do not like all my changes, hence this blog.  But the inevitable of change is acceptable, everyone changes, can't help it because we live within time and time is change.

Change is neutral, you make it whatever it is you want it to be, and in my case one of the changes made me overweight.  I do not like being overweight, but that does not mean it did/does not do me some good.  It is a struggle to be overweight, more then most people know.  Every thought in public is about your weight, knowing that everyone is judging, and if they see you they are not interested in knowing you.  That is a big one - if they see you.  An overweight person is handicapped as surely as a man with one leg, and people look at you the same as any handicapped person.  They either see only the handicap or they don't see you at all.  Either way you are less.

So were is the good?  I realized I am narcissistic.  I mean BIL1 couldn't have nailed it better.  I accept it.  Also compassion - it is something that does not come easily to me, but by being overweight I have learned to be a little more compassionate.   I understand peoples struggles a little more, and try and not just look at there handicap and maybe just maybe because of that I become less narcissistic.  Just don't expect me to hug you.

Day 57

No title today because I don't know what I am going to say.  We were able to do the walk that T2 and I didn't finish.  It was a beautiful day and the tide was low so we literally were walking out in the ocean.  I love low tide. There are mirages while walking during low tide mainly because the sand is so wet you don't realize that it is so far out there.  We had clammers, fisherman and even a horse drawn buggy went by a few times.  T ignored the buggy the first time, but after the second time she decided that big dog needed to know its place on the beach, running around like that.

Usually once we get about half a mile from the parking lot we see just a couple of people, but this time the beach was pretty crowded.  Nice day, cool but not cold, very little wind - nice.  As we were walking back we watched someone learning to handle a para sail.  It actually looked like hard work and she had some trouble keeping her feet on the ground.  I never really thought about it.  I just thought you went out on your board and let the sail pull you, but watching her do it on land I understood it isn't as easy as it looks on water.

I do understand why they have so many shark attacks though.  The other day when we went for a walk we saw the ocean just filled with these little black forms.  I swear they looked like sea otters dotted all across the horizon.  Hundreds of them.  I will take a picture next time and you all can be the judge.

But there were not that many surfers out yesterday.  No waves and the they would have to walk half way to Hawaii to find where the water was.  Hey there is an idea - anyone up for a walk to Hawaii?

Day 56- Half way mark

So we are at the half way mark 8 weeks of Optifast - 8 weeks to go.  It has never been "hard", but I dream of the time that they can eat again.  Since I am still wanting to eat again I don't think that I am ready to go off the shakes.  I want to be at a place in my head were food is not the reward, like it is right now.  If I could take the present attitude of food into my every day life I wouldn't have a problem.

We went to Dickens Faire yesterday, and while it was fun to look at all the dress up, I wasn't in the correct frame of mind.  I thought it was going to be shops and food, but it was entertainment (that was always full) lots of food but the shops were mostly clothes shops (era clothes).  I spent most of the time trying not to make eye contact with the actors because I didn't want them to approach me.  But they would have little skits in the aisle and it could have been really fun...

The storm came, and it was loud and violent, but today it is calm and beautiful - time to get back on the exercise train.

Later gator

Day 55 - T2 Gone Home

We got up early today to take T2 to the airport.  It was sad to see her go, time just slips away when your having fun.

As we were rushing out to take her to the airport TH came out through the garage and I was suppose to shut it but I spaced completely out!!!  Oh well.  So on the drive back to the house TH asks do you think they will pull me over if I do 69 as the needle edged up to 80.  No, I don't think they will pull you over at 69 - but maybe at 80 ya think?

I was informed on the drive home from my loving husband that if the dog got out and hurt he would never forgive me.  I guess that lets me know where I stand.

Hopefully we have a big day today before the rain hits.  Those storm clouds coming in - and T2 trying to get out YIKES!!! Hope she gets out before they storm comes in.

Off to have fun...

Day 54 - Saturday

Well I decided to do a walk in the park, but had to come home because of - well I had to go to the bathroom.  But on the way to the park I got held up and had to wait through 4 lights.  I wasn't sure what the police were doing.  They had stopped only our lane of traffic and let everyone else go.  We waited and I started thinking what the heck they must just not like me.  I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to do the walk because I had to pick up T2 and I was just freaked I wouldn't be home in time.

So we are waiting and waiting and this car start slaying on the horn.  Just doesn't give up.  So not only do we have to wait through this light, but this moron who can't figure out that we are not sitting there because we want to, seems to be enjoying playing his horn.  Then idiot decides that  to cut around traffic so goes up on the curb only to find a cop walking towards him.  Ahh justice.

Anyway there finally came three stretch limos and a bunch of other cars.  And they turned down the direction I was going.  I was a bit confused, there was probably 20 motorcycle cops and they stopped traffic like forever, and when the limos turned towards the beach - I was very confused.  What a funeral procession to the beach?  The I thought Oh it must be Obama and he wanted to show his kids the beach.  Very exciting.  So I followed to see where the went.  The cars pulled over in front of the doggy diner and I was more awed that Obama wanted to go to the doggy diner, then I saw that they actually were going to some Irish church.

Who knew?

Day 53 - Spidell

Today I am up early then I have been in months - years even because we are going to Spidell.  I have two minutes to write this so it will be short and sweet.

T2 arrived healthy at 7lbs 2 oz and has ten fingers and ten toes and a full head of hair already combed and coiffed.

She walked partly with me and we had a great time at the Ocean, but I did notice that she wasn't quite as enthralled with it as I am.  Oh well no one is perfect.

I have to print out work, because I get a little bored at Spidell.

More tomorrow

Day 52 - Weight loss

As one can see it has been 52 days and as have lamented all through these posts it just isn't showing.  Yesterday I had M here and were chatting and I had told her how everyone goes around during group clapping them on their backs saying how much weight they have lost and she looks at me and says - have you lost any weight?

Excuse me?  that was not the correct response.  You would think someone would pick up on those hints.  But nooo - she just has to be to honest.

Honesty can only go so far.  Sometimes little white lies are really okay, but not now of course the ball is out of the bag.  Now if anyone tells me they see my weight loss I will know they are lying.

So I talked with B about it and she said I should wear tighter fitting clothes.  Hey I didn't wear tight fitting clothes when I was younger.  It is true I have taken to wearing stretchy pants and I haven't needed new pants like everyone else in group (everyone else is giving away there fat clothes already) so I don't know if I lost in inches - I refuse to measure until I am down another 20 pounds.

I was weighing and measuring everyday for a while, but that was depressing me so I promised I wasn't going to measure until I lost a certain amount of weight which as stated above is 20 more pounds, so for all I know they are right and I am not showing.

I have weight loss goals set by my excel spreadsheet telling me how much I should be losing calories in calories out.  It was off quite a bit, so I took all the exercise off and now it matches, but... the exercise should count - right?

Well I am off to do some exercycling before T2 arrives so I don't bother her when she is here.

Day 51 - Group

Group was interesting.  KFC was back and she got an earful from the facilitator.  She told us that she went off, but she didn't want to go into details.  Love child was in rare form, talking a mile a minute trying to get her whole therapy session in the one minute allotted, she went over but she is interesting nonetheless.  It is always more interesting to hear more personal stuff then not.  Everyone else was fine.  Doing well.  Enjoying the program.  Loving the weight coming off.

Me, no one compliments me at all.  It is a love fest for everyone else but me.  I guess they just can't tell.  Oh well. But what is worse is that when it is my time to talk and I say I stayed on the program at the beginning, she always asks me at the end if I stayed on the program.  What do I look like the type of person who would cheat?

I am not showing any weight loss, and I don't know when I will, but some people I definitely see the weight loss. For one I saw her and thought she was pretty, (and she still is) but the weight loss has just aged her 10 years.  She seems to have lost most of the weight in her face and you see the wrinkles that you didn't see before.  I probably will need a face lift after this is over.

I can't wait to see T2 I don't like going so long without seeing my playmate.  She is coming in just at the right time.  Low tide is at 4pm (-.9) so the beach will be a wonderful walk, hope she remembers her jacket.