Day 498 - Yikes 33.9

Well I did gain weight this week, and going to GV I expect I will gain even more.  We will just have to see where it all comes out in the end.

I have 60 days left.  I can't believe that it has been almost 82 weeks.  Well the last couple months have been a bit of a bust, but oh well.

I gave myself permission to float on the weight that I am at, now I have to decide if that is what I really want to do or do I want to finish up this challenge?  I don't know yet, but whatever I decide it will be the right decision.

Day 497 - Legally what?

So I went to WC Legally Blond the other day and while I found it charming and fun, I knew I wasn't in the big City.  They had sound trouble all through the thing, and sometimes some of the singers mikes weren't on whereas other times they were blasting.  I was told when I recounted the story that I was a snob.

True, I have gotten used to the best, and when you have had the best it is always hard to go back to common folk stuff.  However, I do like eating common food.  Hamburgers, french fries, pizza, nachos, potato skins.  My palate isn't that sophisticated that it can't cram down a burger or two, but on the more exotic food I am definitely snobbish.

Where is this going?  TH said I am not very daring? experimental? adventurous? in my food.  And that is wrong.  I don't like many foods that is true, but I will always try something.  Very few foods have I completely bulked at eating (chicken feet being one) but I will always eat what is put in front of me whether or not I like the food.  Especially if I am a guest at someones house.  In fact I will eat it all and say it was yummy even if I am gagging the whole way.  I am a very good guest.  But more then that I am a quiet adventurer, I am afraid to do things, but I will do them anyway.  That is what surprises people the most, but if people knew our family they wouldn't be that surprised, we are all like that to one extent or another.  I think it came from our dad's love of adventure, and our mom's acceptance to go along with his adventures even though she may not have wanted to.  And usually in the end, it was our mom who had the better time on the adventure then our dad, but he kept looking for that elusive grand adventure that would top all others.  We only have one in the family (other then my dad) who is like that and it isn't me.

Day 496 - Our Trip

Well after years of saying we were going to go to India, we finally are planning it.  There were so many worries I had about the trip 90% to do with my weight the remainder was the toilet situation.

Now it is mainly the toilet situation.  I have a very delicate stomach (gut, bowel whatever) and I worry about Delhi belly and just the general shape of the bathrooms.  Now it isn't like here were I can walk into Nordstroms and find a clean bathroom.  And it isn't like I was when I was a kid and I could hold it.  And I have thought about drinking just enough to get me through, but not so I will have to eliminate, but then I remember my mom doing that and getting so dehydrated that she almost died, so that isn't in the cards either.  So what is a girl to do?

Well maybe I will blog our trip and you can see what I did.  Or not.

Day 495 - Hmm

Well I don't usually talk about this but I just have to interrupt this program to discuss a book I am reading, or trying to read.  I started reading this book in Ohio, and I read like half of it in a very short period of time, but the feel of the book was all wrong.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just wasn't enjoying it as much as I thought I should.  And it was the feel of it.  It was disjointed and the flow was all wrong, and something else, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I put it down and tried to pick it up a few days later, and again I didn't know what was going on and so I went back to the beginning and reread the first half again.  Again I really wanted to enjoy the book, but it was just off.

But again I read about half  of it and I really didn't remember the story that well.  And yes once again I set the book aside and didn't pick it up for a few weeks.

This last time I picked it up, I again didn't remember the story, and I have to say I was a little concerned that this might be the start of early Dementia, but I went back to the beginning and reread it.  This time I really read it, and realized that it is probably the worst written book I have ever read in my life.  They do these experiments about people filling in missing pieces in words, puzzles, you know your mind sees how it should be, not what it is.  And when I started reading it without fixing it in my head I realized that no one edited the book.

For instance here is the first sentence on the page:

Van and Riley arrived back at Station One themselves early that morning.

Now how did that get published?  Hmm maybe it was self published.  Stay tuned.

Day 494 - 1:33

Okay, so maybe it isn't the fastest time in the world, but I started swimming in October, so this 5 months and I have dropped it by a whole minute1!!

LZ was thinking that I would be at the 1:30 mark in six months, and she is right.  I have been working out three (including her session) times a week lately, I really should up it to four and do a longer workout on Wednesdays, but getting up so early is just not my thing.  But I digressed.  I think that with the 3/4 days of workout I can get the time to 1:15-1:20, but if I want to get it below that I am going to have to work harder and probably up the workouts to 4/5 days a week.  I think also another 20 pounds would make a huge difference.

But thinking of competing makes me actually want to quit swimming all together.  I have this physical response when I think about it, I just can't really explain.

It is the meets, they are long and stressful.  And  it is the age thing.  When I think about it I think I am 53 by the time I actually got good enough to compete I would be 54 - pushing 55, and I would have what 10 years maybe?  If I am lucky?

Sometimes I think I waited too long.

Day 493 - Frustration?

I went off product only and immediately gained two pounds.  I know that they are talking about doing a shorter version of the product and I would do it if they did it, but I guess not enough people are coming to do that.  It is a shame really, because for people like me I have been doing for almost a year and a half, and I just want to finish it.  But to finish it I have to be really strict and I think that isn't exactly where my head is at at this time.  I got worried about the bruising and the light headiness, headaches, and other things that made me worry about doing all product by myself.  So maybe I will do as TH says and try one day on one day off?  I wonder if that would help

It is just that I want to finish.  But in some ways my body wants me to eat more.  It is a battle.  It isn't even specified items - just eat.  I am not really craving anything specific I just want to eat.

I have GV next week and then guests the week after, but after that I am quitting food (so to speak) until May 5. Really I am, in fact maybe in GV I will do product all for but one meal.  That might work.

And since I have been working out of the house, I have forgotten to take food.  So by the time I get home it has been way to long since I last ate.  I have to be careful of that too.

Day 492 - 32.9 pounds to go

Ten weeks to lose 32.9 pounds - well we can only keep trying.

Day 491 - Eating isn't my demon

So more rants.  I have always felt that we as a species like to attribute blame where it will least hurt us.  And we as a society help throw that blame around.  But last night the facilitator wanted to know what was to blame for my immense weight gain.  Did I have an abusive childhood?  Was I emotionally neglected.  Did I have problems with dealing with life.  Was I trying to hide from the world?  What would cause me to lose it and give in.  What trigger must I be aware of in order not to fall back into that black hole of being the biggest girl on the playground?

Truth?  Simple.  I like food.  If a little is good a lot is better.  The taste ends, and I enjoy it so much that I don't want it to end.  I like it.  That is why - at least for me - stapling my stomach or having some type of gastric surgery just wouldn't work for me.  It isn't ever about being hungry, I am not overweight because I get hungry.  I get overweight because I like the taste of ice cream.  I like the texture on my tongue, I like the sweet flavor, I like the cold iciness of it.  If I could eat ice cream all day long without getting fat I would.  In fact if I had five months to live I would make sure that Ice Cream was with me for those last five months -everyday - I would eat it.

But I felt that way about smoking too.  I loved everything about cigarettes.  I loved the way it would relax me.  I loved the smell, I loved the way it felt going into my lungs.  And they were such relaxing moments in time, a moment out of time almost.  But I quit.  I quit cold turkey.  And now 20 years later if I had five months to live would I start smoking again?  Probably not,  the memory is too far away.   But it is a very similar feeling I had for cigarettes that I have for food.  You just can't go cold turkey with food.

So for those people who can eat a single piece of chocolate - I applaud you, but you are not like me.  I might be able to eat one piece of chocolate once, but I could never continuing eating a piece of chocolate a day after a few days it would be two - then four then...  Call me weak,  but at least I now acknowledge that weakness and I can combat it.  And I know it isn't about anybody but me.  Eating just doesn't happen to be my demon. 

Day 490 - Group Beats

So I went to group for the first time in a couple of months, and it has gotten even smaller two whole people - wow.  When I said at the start of this blog I thought I would be the only one left sitting in the room, I am not to far off on it.

But going to group gives me new rants, so I am thinking to keep up with the blog the group just has to be a part of it so I can rant...

So we were talking about my exercise and I said that I was swimming more now then doing some of the other exercises, and I was informed with great authority that I should mix up the exercise because my body gets used to one exercise and will stop losing weight with it.

Now I do know many people believe in cross training, but "you need to cross train because your body gets used to an exercise and won't lose weight because you have adapted to the higher level of exercise."  I always thought that was called getting in shape.  Yes as you get stronger it gets easier, so what you were doing before won't burn as many calories, but it will still burn the calories that you output.  And if you keep the intensity up with the workouts then you will I presume get the same caloric burn.  I am no medical doctor but even so call me crazy but I have never heard of your body getting used to an exercise and not lose weight because of it.

I just don't know.  Save me from those who do.

Day 489 - Just another day at the pool

As I said before I have this horrible competitive nature that makes me not want to compete because I only want to win, and I am not a good loser.  So I have been going to Brisbane for about 4.5 months, and I like to gauge my progress on the others swimmers who come everyday.  Now there are those that come, and swim for about half an hour and get out, and I am not sure that what they are doing is really swimming.  I mean there is one woman who comes out in her tidy bathrobe and her hair all done up nicely gets in the pool and never ever puts her face in the water.  She swims away with her head and hair held high.  I mean that really takes a lot of work - really, but swimming? well lets just say I can out swim her.

But there is some that I don't even try to compete with yet because of two reasons - they are faster then me and they are much faster then me.  I just hope that I don't get lapped too many times.  But there is one person who I am trying really hard to catch, and I figure that he is about 3 to 4 seconds faster then me per lap, and I have been trying to catch him, but it just isn't working.  But for the most part I know everyone by sight at the pool, though I no noone.  So today was a new face and she was swimming about the same pace as the guy, and that really really bugged me, so today when my legged cramped I just got out of the pool instead of trying to work through it.  I just couldn't take it anymore.

Anyway there is more to this story, but I am getting bored so maybe I will finish it later.

Day 488 - I am not sure who rules this roost

I have always thought that T was the boss of us all.  and she proves it on a daily basis, she sleeps where she wants eats what she wants and pretty much does what she wants.  Occasionally we will yell at her to shut up when she is being particularly loud but for the most of the time she is left alone to do as she pleases.

Now that doesn't seem to help with our walks.  I know that I have taught her sit, stay heel, but out in the open the only thing I can hope for is she doesn't pull me on my butt.

But the little one seems to be getting her way more and more recently.  I give them a bone, T will guard it, growl even nip at her, but by the end of the evening it seems that the little one has the bone/ or whatever it was that T was guarding.

So I watched the baby and she is rather adept at it.  She lays on her back nippeds at T's legs and ears, sometimes she rolls her whole body on T, snuggles, kisses and the whole time T is growling and nipping.  Then comes a time that T will get up and walk away  - for maybe just being tired of it all hoping for some peace and quiet in the process loses the treat - so who really is ruling this roost now? 

Day 487 - In the land of OZ

So it was the first time since  - well since turkey day - that we have been up to GV.  I was hoping to get a swim in and just get a little work done.  I got a little work done, but I did not get a swim in.  The pool wouldn't heat, so it was another four days that I didn't swim.

I keep saying that I am going to up the days I am swimming, but it just doesn't happen.  First as I have said over and over again, the pool is cold and it is early in the morning.  I a.  do not like the cold, b. am not a morning person.  Plus I don't seem to be improving by leaps and bounds.  LZ says it is because I am old.  I think it is because I am weak. weak weak.

Oh well.  

Day 486 - I want to eat

So I have been perfect for the last couple of days, but I have to force myself not to eat.  It is hard especially after swimming.  I am getting tired in the pool much quicker then I was when I was eating more.  And after the Tuesday workout, my head was feeling like it was going to explode.  Pain, pain in the head, the legs, the arms.  I want to make the fourth to last goal by the end of February, so I have to just get through the pain - somehow.

Day 485 39.0 pounds to go

As you can see I gained a .5 pound last week.  I was all set to give up, and to get on the scale and find that I didn't gain the weight is like the happiest day in my life.  Well okay I gained a .5 pound and I haven't gotten to my lowest mark since I started this program, but I didn't completely lose it.  My body is forgiving me my transgressions and allowing me to go forward.  I am renewed.  I am going to try to be perfect for the next month.  I don't think I am going to take off the 40 pounds, but at least I can go forward.  Ya.

Day 484 - The day after

The day after the Saturday disaster, I compounded it on Superbowl Sunday by eating chips and dip.  But to give myself credit I didn't eat anything else.  Just the idea of trying to lose weight is freaking me out.  And I know that I have to weigh in.  I don't want to weigh in.  I am afraid to weigh in.  I worked so hard to lose this weigh, to be the perfect weight lose patient and now what???  I am a big failure.  Just call me KFC.  YIKES!!!

Day 483 - Parties, cupcakes and cookies

So I completely gave in.  We went to a birthday party and I had a hotdog and I had two cookies, two cupcakes, and one and a half something along with very caloric apple juice and of course one of my favorite foods, mac and cheese.

Then I went to a fundraising dinner, and I had a normal dinner (salad, 3 oz of chicken three oz of beef,) but then I did eat desert that consisted off a cookie.  Then I came home and had a petit four.  Can someone say almond roca?  I did not even want to input it into the computer.  I was sure if I got on the scale I would be 20 pounds up.  So I didn't weigh myself and I didn't write it down (well until now)

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten rid of the fat clothes.

Day 482 - Let the maintenance begin

So I get really hungry after I finish swimming.  I have listened to people say eat protein, drink water, eat carbs, but the bottom line is the hunger is overwhelming and I give in to it.

But lately the hunger is turning to cramping as well.  I came back from Ohio where I hadn't swum for 2 weeks and planned on getting in the water the minute I got back, but I got sick so I didn't get into the water until Monday before my lesson.  Then I started to worry that is three weeks and I will have to start all over.  Doing 2:30 in the hundred free and all.  But I didn't I did 1:41.  Fastest yet.  And I am all fired up ready to swim hard.

But I couldn't wake up early enough on Thursday to get to the pool, and when I forced myself to the pool on Friday, I was stiff, sore and tired.  But I had a good swim and then I took a walk - because I knew this weekend was going to be filled with food, and if I am not going to lose I am going to maintain - somehow.

But I found I had this I don't give a crap attitude later in the day, and I am wondering am I going to fall into that pit and end up where?  Back were I began?  That just won't work for me.

Day 481 - Lets talk about day 479 some more

I have been ignoring the elephant in the room.  I am finding that my eating habits (the bad ones) are slowly creeping back.  It all started back in August with a Pita chip.  Having the prescribe portion just wasn't enough, I wanted more, so I cut back on some foods so I could eat more Pita chips.

Then came crackers - the low cal kind that J turned me on to.  They were really delicious, but one bag wasn't enough, so I started having two and I would give up some food for those two bags.  Then I added cheese, and I cut back on my regular food.

Then it was eating out a couple times a week, I tried to compensate, but you know the food is very caloric no matter how much you leave on your plate, but I compensated by eating less of my regular food.

It ended up that I was eating so many bad things and compensating that I wasn't even eating the good food that would continue to help me lose the weight.  I was tired of bland food and I wanted spicy and yummy.  Food has become my focal point once more.  So even though I have been able to maintain for the last couple of months, if I had stayed true to the plan I probably would be within spitting distance of my goal.  As it is I am wondering how am I going to take this back?  How am I going to to this around?  

Day 480 - A few more rants

So there are people who I haven't seen for a while, not since I have lost this weight anyway, and they go "oh your so skinny."

Well first off - I am still obese, not overweight, not just right and definitely not skinny.  In fact I am not striving to be skinny.  I don't want to be described as skinny.  In fact I would appreciate it a lot if my looks weren't included in my description (okay unless of course I commit a murder then you are free to describe me as a tall leggy blond skinny girl.)

So what?  They see I have lost weight and the only words in their vocabulary is fat and skinny?  I don't know what I would like to hear from people when they see me, I will have to ponder that...then I will get back to you.

Day 479 - Checked out

I have pretty much checked out, checked out of the program, this blog and weight loss.  It has been one year and 4 months, and I just don't know what to talk about anymore.  The truth is I am really tired of this here diet.  I am tired of trying to lose weight, I am tired of bouncing around for the last 3 months.  I have lost motivation and desire to continue.  It seems that I fight with myself everyday to just maintain, while I have so much more to lose.

It is at that point that I almost think I could eat 37 almond roca if I liked almond roca.  I want to eat what I want to eat and damn the consequences.  Everyday I get up and I have to measure out this and that, and I have to write it all down, and then I see that I ate more then I should and I feel like I haven't eaten anything.  Then I get on the scale week after week only to maintain the weight loss, while I really need to continue to lose weight.

I am just tired of it all.