Friday, December 30, 2011
Day 446 - Thursday - Blasted.
Day 445 - Wednesday - Swimming and food
So it was an easy/hard day at swimming. LZ worked me hard, or I worked hard for LZ I am not really sure which it is. I dread these days a little, only because it is so hard. I push myself because I want to impress LZ, but then I crash and burn.
It was also suppose to be the first day of the 40 pounds, and though I did sort of okay, I wasn't perfect, so I told TH that he had to get rid of all the food, at least for a few months. No crackers, no popcorn, no yummy chicken. Everything must go. I must have no temptation in this house. My house of cards has fallen. After over a year with his food in the house, I finally couldn't handle it anymore.
To TH's credit he did get rid of most everything. Mostly. I did find some yummy almonds that I munched on, but hey I needed the protein.
Maybe tomorrow I can stay strictly on the diet - yes?
It was also suppose to be the first day of the 40 pounds, and though I did sort of okay, I wasn't perfect, so I told TH that he had to get rid of all the food, at least for a few months. No crackers, no popcorn, no yummy chicken. Everything must go. I must have no temptation in this house. My house of cards has fallen. After over a year with his food in the house, I finally couldn't handle it anymore.
To TH's credit he did get rid of most everything. Mostly. I did find some yummy almonds that I munched on, but hey I needed the protein.
Maybe tomorrow I can stay strictly on the diet - yes?
Day 441 - Tuesday - Yikes a four pound gain
So instead of working towards my 40 pound loss I actually had a four pound gain. Does that mean that my goal is 44 pounds or is it still 40? I guess it is 40, because today is the starting day for the 40 pounds. I wasn't sure I would get the 40 pounds - now 44 - no definitely 40.
I did everything right today except eat. I exercised twice, weighed myself, and drank lots of liquids, but still I ate too much. Why is it so hard? Why has the heavens conspired against me? So again I woke up in a panic attack, I was right were I had started. I didn't fit in chairs anymore, I couldn't go to India, I was being laughed at by the rest of the world and nobody liked me anymore. I had failed.
Can Wednesday be any better?
I did everything right today except eat. I exercised twice, weighed myself, and drank lots of liquids, but still I ate too much. Why is it so hard? Why has the heavens conspired against me? So again I woke up in a panic attack, I was right were I had started. I didn't fit in chairs anymore, I couldn't go to India, I was being laughed at by the rest of the world and nobody liked me anymore. I had failed.
Can Wednesday be any better?
Day 440 - Monday - Oops
So I have been talking about this and that, circling around the real problem and that is I have been - well I haven't been doing 1200 calories that is for sure.
Probably at this time the blog is the most important thing, but you find when you - um - fall off you don't want to weigh yourself and you don't want to write about how you are failing.
Failing that everything else has been good. Wonderful Christmas (as TH said) with wonderful family and friends. My cupeth run over. I hadn't been exercising since Friday, and I didn't swim so I knew I had to do something or it would be another failed day. So a walk it was - up to the cross and back. By the time I get in it was dark, and scary outside, yet it was only 5:30. Someone needs to fix winter.
But even though I had hoped to be "good" I found that I again slipped - Ah well another day another try.
Probably at this time the blog is the most important thing, but you find when you - um - fall off you don't want to weigh yourself and you don't want to write about how you are failing.
Failing that everything else has been good. Wonderful Christmas (as TH said) with wonderful family and friends. My cupeth run over. I hadn't been exercising since Friday, and I didn't swim so I knew I had to do something or it would be another failed day. So a walk it was - up to the cross and back. By the time I get in it was dark, and scary outside, yet it was only 5:30. Someone needs to fix winter.
But even though I had hoped to be "good" I found that I again slipped - Ah well another day another try.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Day 438 - Saturday - Christmas eve
Christmas eve was wonderful. We had our normal lunch at Neiman Marcus and then played games in the evening - what could be better? I love Christmas!!!!
Day 437 - Friday - Food and happiness
Who says food can't buy happiness or some such thing. I know that I said only two days (tomorrow and Sunday) but it seems that those two days have grown into uh - maybe five? So I know that I am not being the perfect eating machine, but I am trying to keep it down, but it is much harder then I thought it would be.
There is something psychological that happens when you say you are going to give yourself a free day or two. I think this is not something that I was ready for. So I have taken some giant steps back. But going to bed I had a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking that I was right back were I started from, yet that did not stop me from gorging the next day. This is pitiful. I am pitiful.
There is something psychological that happens when you say you are going to give yourself a free day or two. I think this is not something that I was ready for. So I have taken some giant steps back. But going to bed I had a panic attack in the middle of the night thinking that I was right back were I started from, yet that did not stop me from gorging the next day. This is pitiful. I am pitiful.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Day 436 - I will gladly pay you Tuesday
EC Segar definitely knew fat people when he created Wimpy. Instant gratification that is what it is all about. Now I want to be a fast swimmer, but I don't want to hurt. Is there a way that I can be fast and not hurt? Can anything good come without a price? Life would be pretty boring if everything was easy.
So I have asked myself would it have been easier to say wake up one morning and have all the weight gone. I thought so a year ago. What would I have paid for that? But having done it this way I am glad I had to work at it. I am glad I didn't wake up one morning and find that I was the perfect weight. Why? A sense of accomplishment? No. It just feels right this way. Like it was suppose to be this way.
However; I am one who is big about wanting something and wanting it now. I, unlike TH, do not like to savior the moment. I rip off the wrapping paper, he slowly peals off the tape enjoying the anticipation. I scream at him impatiently open it for god's sake, he responds I am I am -I just am enjoying it. I get a bowl of ice cream I scarf it down, he gets a bowl of ice cream he eats it so slowly that it melts. He promises me something I expect it immediately, he thinks if he promises me something as long as I get it before he dies that is good enough. It puts us at odds sometimes.
But I have been thinking that may have something to do with my obesity. It never has been lack of impulse control, but it definitely is all about the moment. I will always pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
So I have asked myself would it have been easier to say wake up one morning and have all the weight gone. I thought so a year ago. What would I have paid for that? But having done it this way I am glad I had to work at it. I am glad I didn't wake up one morning and find that I was the perfect weight. Why? A sense of accomplishment? No. It just feels right this way. Like it was suppose to be this way.
However; I am one who is big about wanting something and wanting it now. I, unlike TH, do not like to savior the moment. I rip off the wrapping paper, he slowly peals off the tape enjoying the anticipation. I scream at him impatiently open it for god's sake, he responds I am I am -I just am enjoying it. I get a bowl of ice cream I scarf it down, he gets a bowl of ice cream he eats it so slowly that it melts. He promises me something I expect it immediately, he thinks if he promises me something as long as I get it before he dies that is good enough. It puts us at odds sometimes.
But I have been thinking that may have something to do with my obesity. It never has been lack of impulse control, but it definitely is all about the moment. I will always pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Day 435 - Wednesday - Danger Will Robinson Danger
Group was - well it was. I sat listening to this woman say she was just tired of the whole diet thing and she wasn't going to do it , then she told us how she maintained even though she was tired of it and ready to throw in the towel. When she talked about going off and not caring, I kind of understood. But not her attitude if that makes any sense. I think at one time or another we all feel what is it all for. But if we just make it through that period we are fine again. But some people just have negative attitude. You are not going to have a long term result if you say it out loud. Feeling like quitting is something entirely different then quitting.
LZ had me do six 100's and I was suppose to do them all the same - but I went out to hard and spent the rest of the workout wishing I could take it all back. Now I really just wanted to quit after the second 100, but then I worried if I told her I can't do it would she fire me? I just can't take that chance, so I tried my best and yes I ended a little anaerobic, but I wasn't going to let her know, and when she left I limped out of the pool (only after I knew she was gone.)
So I dream often of quitting, but I seldom follow through.
LZ had me do six 100's and I was suppose to do them all the same - but I went out to hard and spent the rest of the workout wishing I could take it all back. Now I really just wanted to quit after the second 100, but then I worried if I told her I can't do it would she fire me? I just can't take that chance, so I tried my best and yes I ended a little anaerobic, but I wasn't going to let her know, and when she left I limped out of the pool (only after I knew she was gone.)
So I dream often of quitting, but I seldom follow through.
Day 434 - Tuesday - A new day
So days become a blur as you get closer and closer to a particular event. In this case Christmas. I really look forward to this day all year. Last year was good, but the Coloradians weren't here so it seemed just a tad quieter then normal. And of course last year I was on the liquid portion of the diet, so no food for me.
This year - well lets just say it is more of a challenge than I had originally thought. I mean it really is only two days of indulgence the rest is just normal days - wrong. The whole holiday season is all about food. And I am not immune. I keep saying I am only going to eat TFD, but then something happens and I end up indulging in some other foods. As I sit here writing this I am reaffirming my desire to finish with the goal weight, the goal the satisfaction of completing an almost impossible task. Yes I want to hit goal by the end of the 82 weeks, will it be possible, most think probably not, but I being who I am will give it a go.
Well okay I am not going for goal goal (that would be 50 pounds, and that I don't think I can do that) but I can try for forty. And forty is 10 pounds under my "danger point" so it is a good goal to shoot for. Then I can take my time on the last ten.
So I will share for the last four months my weekly weight loss (or gain hopefully not) and you can all be my cheerleaders.
This year - well lets just say it is more of a challenge than I had originally thought. I mean it really is only two days of indulgence the rest is just normal days - wrong. The whole holiday season is all about food. And I am not immune. I keep saying I am only going to eat TFD, but then something happens and I end up indulging in some other foods. As I sit here writing this I am reaffirming my desire to finish with the goal weight, the goal the satisfaction of completing an almost impossible task. Yes I want to hit goal by the end of the 82 weeks, will it be possible, most think probably not, but I being who I am will give it a go.
Well okay I am not going for goal goal (that would be 50 pounds, and that I don't think I can do that) but I can try for forty. And forty is 10 pounds under my "danger point" so it is a good goal to shoot for. Then I can take my time on the last ten.
So I will share for the last four months my weekly weight loss (or gain hopefully not) and you can all be my cheerleaders.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Day 433 - Monday Who knows my heart better the K?
So I have been lamenting about my love of popcorn and how I can't turn it off, and what do I receive, but a bucket of popcorn. Now who knows me better then my oldest friend?
When we were young and mad we ate a lot of junk food, but mostly it was mac and cheese with extra cheese. Never could get enough cheese. Or our famous bagels with cream cheese, roast beef and BBQ sauce. Nobody made those bagels better then K and I. Our nacho frenzy's, steak with sour cream, late nights at Denny's watching the world a very different world go by.
K and I never shared food, we never said lets share a desert, or meal, everything was hers and mine. Okay okay we would share the nachos, but that is all. But even though we didn't share our food we shared our taste, we would order the exact same thing, so I guess we didn't need to try the other persons. We even wore the same clothes (well not the same size as she is 4 inches taller than I am and was 20 pounds thinner than I was at that time) but we would go and find the same pants and tops and hats (hers pink mine black) and go walking around like some kind of female gangsters. And we were - we were the Deli gangster gang.
But alas I got old and my genes kicked in and I became obese - she on the other hand has stayed the same over the last 30 years, tall, slim and beautiful.
Thanks K for the popcorn - your the best.
When we were young and mad we ate a lot of junk food, but mostly it was mac and cheese with extra cheese. Never could get enough cheese. Or our famous bagels with cream cheese, roast beef and BBQ sauce. Nobody made those bagels better then K and I. Our nacho frenzy's, steak with sour cream, late nights at Denny's watching the world a very different world go by.
K and I never shared food, we never said lets share a desert, or meal, everything was hers and mine. Okay okay we would share the nachos, but that is all. But even though we didn't share our food we shared our taste, we would order the exact same thing, so I guess we didn't need to try the other persons. We even wore the same clothes (well not the same size as she is 4 inches taller than I am and was 20 pounds thinner than I was at that time) but we would go and find the same pants and tops and hats (hers pink mine black) and go walking around like some kind of female gangsters. And we were - we were the Deli gangster gang.
But alas I got old and my genes kicked in and I became obese - she on the other hand has stayed the same over the last 30 years, tall, slim and beautiful.
Thanks K for the popcorn - your the best.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Day 432 - Sunday
So I love My Habit, I buy stuff there all the time even though I keep saying that I am going to wait until I lose all the weight before buying new clothes, but...well I know have a full closet full of clothes that fit now. I just can't help it. For many people they don't know that my most secret of vices is clothes. Even when I was poor and couldn't afford anything I would always be able to buy something new. So even back then I had a closet full of clothes.
But though I love clothes I don't take care of them, so they don't last long with me. Now especially with dogs, for instance I had a nice skirt set, but as I was twirling around the skirt just happened to end up in some dogs mouth (like magic) and the next thing I know we are playing tug of war with my skirt (and me still in it mind you.) I lost that one. RIP beautiful skirt.
So when I started to work after getting my degree I had no professional clothes so TH took me out and bought like eight Pendleton suits for me. They were gorgeous, and I loved them until I couldn't get into them anymore. They lasted a year, but I couldn't bear to part with them so I packed them up and hoped someday I would fit into them again. So at the new goal weight (12 pounds) I do fit into all the suits - So I just can't lose sight of this project - popcorn or not.
I had to remind myself yesterday that there is no tomorrow and I can't start getting back on track tomorrow after eating all that delicious popcorn. So though there is popcorn left I avert my eyes when I walk by and though the pied piper calls to me I close my ears to his tune. No No NO I will not eat popcorn, I have Pendletons to wear.
But though I love clothes I don't take care of them, so they don't last long with me. Now especially with dogs, for instance I had a nice skirt set, but as I was twirling around the skirt just happened to end up in some dogs mouth (like magic) and the next thing I know we are playing tug of war with my skirt (and me still in it mind you.) I lost that one. RIP beautiful skirt.
So when I started to work after getting my degree I had no professional clothes so TH took me out and bought like eight Pendleton suits for me. They were gorgeous, and I loved them until I couldn't get into them anymore. They lasted a year, but I couldn't bear to part with them so I packed them up and hoped someday I would fit into them again. So at the new goal weight (12 pounds) I do fit into all the suits - So I just can't lose sight of this project - popcorn or not.
I had to remind myself yesterday that there is no tomorrow and I can't start getting back on track tomorrow after eating all that delicious popcorn. So though there is popcorn left I avert my eyes when I walk by and though the pied piper calls to me I close my ears to his tune. No No NO I will not eat popcorn, I have Pendletons to wear.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Day 431 - Saturday - OOPS
So I had a good weight lose last week, and this week I have actually gone quite over the deep end. I have many many foods that I love, ice cream, cookies, cake, candy, donuts...I am sure you get the idea, but the one food that I really love and I make it a treat every time I go the movies is popcorn. I love popcorn. Plain popcorn, butter popcorn, caramel popcorn, cheese popcorn, if it is popcorn then I probably love it.
When I was on my first diet back in 1980 or around there I lost a lot of weight (remember the last goal was where I started on that diet) but the food that I had on that diet (nutrisystem) was this freeze dried stuff, and after a couple of months you aren't really sure that you could gag down one more of those meals. So at the time I just stopped eating. Probably got horribly malnourished and is the ultimate cause for this last weight gain, but that is all besides the point. The point being is that the only food I ate for like two months was popcorn. I would go to the grocery store and at that time they had these large plastic bags full of popcorn and I would buy one and proceed to eat it for the rest of the day. Eventually they stopped selling them so I stopped eating popcorn (really microwave popcorn just doesn't cut it for me.)
So as a treat TH bought popcorn from the popcorn factory. Oh me Oh my. I have been in heaven, but I haven't been - hmm I am not sure the word I am looking for - but I have not controlled my intake of this wonderful delicious food. So when I got on the scale today, lets just say I have gone backwards. Not just a little, but a lot. So what have I learned? Leave the popcorn to the theaters.
No popcorn in the house.
Lets see - no ice cream, no cookies, no candy, no cake, no donuts and now no popcorn. Whats next? Oh yea no food.
When I was on my first diet back in 1980 or around there I lost a lot of weight (remember the last goal was where I started on that diet) but the food that I had on that diet (nutrisystem) was this freeze dried stuff, and after a couple of months you aren't really sure that you could gag down one more of those meals. So at the time I just stopped eating. Probably got horribly malnourished and is the ultimate cause for this last weight gain, but that is all besides the point. The point being is that the only food I ate for like two months was popcorn. I would go to the grocery store and at that time they had these large plastic bags full of popcorn and I would buy one and proceed to eat it for the rest of the day. Eventually they stopped selling them so I stopped eating popcorn (really microwave popcorn just doesn't cut it for me.)
So as a treat TH bought popcorn from the popcorn factory. Oh me Oh my. I have been in heaven, but I haven't been - hmm I am not sure the word I am looking for - but I have not controlled my intake of this wonderful delicious food. So when I got on the scale today, lets just say I have gone backwards. Not just a little, but a lot. So what have I learned? Leave the popcorn to the theaters.
No popcorn in the house.
Lets see - no ice cream, no cookies, no candy, no cake, no donuts and now no popcorn. Whats next? Oh yea no food.
Day 430 - Friday - Swimming
So I pulled myself out of bed at the crack of dawn and sped down to the local swimming hole. I knew I had to go or I wouldn't get my swimming in for the week, but dang it was cold. As I got closer to the pool the car beeped, and I thought great my car is broken. But no - it was just the outside that was broken. 36 degrees, and I was swimming outside? YUCK!!! I really need to find an inside pool.
But on a positive note I was able to do the stroke rate at 23 per lap (though it was rather slow) but T2 said I should spend the whole week working on just that. So that is what I did. Well this work out I did. But all the research I have done does say that you need to perfect your technique and then your speed will come. Truth is I am working some muscles because I certainly was sore when I finished up.
So I ended up doing 3300 yards - two swimming miles (I know a mile is 1760, but we call a 1650 a mile - I guess we need a little break - I bet runners a mile is what 2000 yards?) So from here on out when I talk about miles it is always 1650.
The rest of the day was all about cleaning and getting ready for CHRISTMAS. I am such an old lady, but Christmas still excites me. PResents presents presents...
But on a positive note I was able to do the stroke rate at 23 per lap (though it was rather slow) but T2 said I should spend the whole week working on just that. So that is what I did. Well this work out I did. But all the research I have done does say that you need to perfect your technique and then your speed will come. Truth is I am working some muscles because I certainly was sore when I finished up.
So I ended up doing 3300 yards - two swimming miles (I know a mile is 1760, but we call a 1650 a mile - I guess we need a little break - I bet runners a mile is what 2000 yards?) So from here on out when I talk about miles it is always 1650.
The rest of the day was all about cleaning and getting ready for CHRISTMAS. I am such an old lady, but Christmas still excites me. PResents presents presents...
Day 429 - Thursday I hate dentist
Thursday ended up with me in total depression. I hate dentists. So I went to the dentist and came home and went to bed. I know I need to start getting the house ready for the holidays, but I just was much to much depressed.
Did I say I hate dentists?
Did I say I hate dentists?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Day 428 - Wednesday group
So yesterday at Kaiser there was a new cohort waiting for there medical checks, and I sat down next to this woman who was maybe as large as I was when I started. I don't know really, it is hard to tell because everyone carries their weight differently. But she was large and she was overflowing the chair like I used to, so I just put her in my weight range.
My thought last night wasn't my how large she is, but she can do it too. I wanted to tell her I was as large as she was and I lost a lot of weight, but though I would want to hear it, I don't think I would take kindly to someone telling me - I was as fat as you and look how far I have come.
I still feel daunted by what I still have left to lose, but the urgency is gone. I am of a size that the world accommodates for. I don't have to worry that I won't fit in a booth or seat, that I will be scorned or turned away because I am too large, people are more accepting of my weight now then - well ever.
At this weight when I was 23 I was scorned and looked down upon, but as you get older people are more accepting of you being a bit larger (a bit) I guess they figure at this age whatever sex appeal I had went away when you got "middle aged." So...it is okay to be "matronly" so to speak.
But you can't swim fast being matronly.
My thought last night wasn't my how large she is, but she can do it too. I wanted to tell her I was as large as she was and I lost a lot of weight, but though I would want to hear it, I don't think I would take kindly to someone telling me - I was as fat as you and look how far I have come.
I still feel daunted by what I still have left to lose, but the urgency is gone. I am of a size that the world accommodates for. I don't have to worry that I won't fit in a booth or seat, that I will be scorned or turned away because I am too large, people are more accepting of my weight now then - well ever.
At this weight when I was 23 I was scorned and looked down upon, but as you get older people are more accepting of you being a bit larger (a bit) I guess they figure at this age whatever sex appeal I had went away when you got "middle aged." So...it is okay to be "matronly" so to speak.
But you can't swim fast being matronly.
Day 427 - Tuesday - Weigh in
Today is weigh in. I don't really know what I hope for. Weight loss - yes, but what else. I saw on Good Morning America about this girl who lost 282 pounds on Weight Watchers. She did it in three years. She just has another 100 to go to goal.
I always see these stories lost 100 pounds - lost 200 pounds on my website, but are they true? Is really there that many people out there that has lost over a hundred pounds. How common is it really. I mean to lose a hundred pounds and keep it off.
It is a question that I keep asking. Since I am still trying to lose weight does this count as long term weight loss (well I have kept the first 30 pounds off for a year.) Or do they start counting long term after it all comes off. So they say if you keep it off for two years generally people will keep it off for five. I just want to know when my two years is up.
I always see these stories lost 100 pounds - lost 200 pounds on my website, but are they true? Is really there that many people out there that has lost over a hundred pounds. How common is it really. I mean to lose a hundred pounds and keep it off.
It is a question that I keep asking. Since I am still trying to lose weight does this count as long term weight loss (well I have kept the first 30 pounds off for a year.) Or do they start counting long term after it all comes off. So they say if you keep it off for two years generally people will keep it off for five. I just want to know when my two years is up.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Day 426- Swimming at Big D's
So I am beginning to not look forward to the early morning swims (to cold) so when I woke up and looked at the clock it was just this big groan no -I am not getting up.
But I have promised to swim at least 4 days a week (five would be best, but I am okay for now with four) so I was planning on taking big D shopping so I thought I would just go ahead and swim while I was out there.
So we get there and I sign in and jump in the water and the next thing I know I have 5 lifeguards standing over me. - Did I pass out? I wasn't really sure what was going on, but I was pretty sure I hadn't done anything wrong.
The life guard bent over and whispered "there is a spy next to you and you don't have your guest band on."
Such intrigue spies - being marked - what is the world coming to?
So I decided that I would go harder this time (just to see if I could) but I did back, because it is easier for me to aerobic with back stroke then with free. I know that I will eventually have to work on those dang turns, but for now, I did the 100 back in the same time that I have been doing the 100 free. Hmm...still not fast enough though.
But I have promised to swim at least 4 days a week (five would be best, but I am okay for now with four) so I was planning on taking big D shopping so I thought I would just go ahead and swim while I was out there.
So we get there and I sign in and jump in the water and the next thing I know I have 5 lifeguards standing over me. - Did I pass out? I wasn't really sure what was going on, but I was pretty sure I hadn't done anything wrong.
The life guard bent over and whispered "there is a spy next to you and you don't have your guest band on."
Such intrigue spies - being marked - what is the world coming to?
So I decided that I would go harder this time (just to see if I could) but I did back, because it is easier for me to aerobic with back stroke then with free. I know that I will eventually have to work on those dang turns, but for now, I did the 100 back in the same time that I have been doing the 100 free. Hmm...still not fast enough though.
Day 425 - Sunday Rainy day in the City
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 424 - Saturday - Swimming at Big D's
So I went to Rossmoor to swim in there wonderful indoor pool, and TH came to watch for the first time. The pool was a little on the warm side (I guess I am getting used to slightly colder pools) and the chemicals bothered my nose some, but other than that it was perfect.
So I got in and started swimming and the guy two lanes over was lapping me and I was a little disappointed, but I thought well I am planning on doing two sets of a 1000 so I can't go that fast anyway. I know - always an excuse. So I went my merry way swimming length after length until he got out. Then out of no where this little upstart started to lap me as well. I mean really - is there no where that I can go that I can't be the fastest swimmer in the pool?
Only saving grace was she got in the pool after me and out before me. But she probably did as many laps as I did - oh well.
So when we driving home TH goes you were the second fastest in the pool. I said well really I was the third fastest, and there were only three swimmers so I either came in third or last however you want to look at it.
No no TH said there were other people in the pool. Okay yes there were a bunch of eighty and ninety year olds that it took them close to five minutes to finish one lap and even then I was afraid for them, but saying that there was others in the pool - let just say there was only three in the pool that could swim.
It is funny to watch these little old ladies making their way to the end of the pool trying very hard not to let their hair get wet. And if you are swimming and you accidentally splash them they think you did it on purpose and that you are an evil person. I say what are you doing at a pool if you don't want to get your hair wet?
Anyway, I asked TH (or maybe stated I don't know) that she was much younger then I was (the girl swimmer) and he said yeah she looked to be in her early 50's. HUH??? Now how old does he think I am? I still consider myself in my early 50's and I plan to stay in my early 50's until I am 56 then I will be in my mid 50's, but that definitely wasn't the answer I was looking for.
Now my dearest mother knew the exactly right thing to say, no T she was definitely in her early 40's if not late 30's. Love you mom.
So then TH goes, I don't know much about swimming but it seemed that you only had one speed, slow. I know with running we go slow, fast, slow, fast, maybe with swimming it is just one speed?
Well Sweety, it is just one speed for me. I am not in the best of shape and the only time that I have more then one speed is with LZ and then I can barely make it through a half hour. So to do a full workout I can't do it at any other speed then slow.
Oh well (seems to be my catch phrase) I try.
So I got in and started swimming and the guy two lanes over was lapping me and I was a little disappointed, but I thought well I am planning on doing two sets of a 1000 so I can't go that fast anyway. I know - always an excuse. So I went my merry way swimming length after length until he got out. Then out of no where this little upstart started to lap me as well. I mean really - is there no where that I can go that I can't be the fastest swimmer in the pool?
Only saving grace was she got in the pool after me and out before me. But she probably did as many laps as I did - oh well.
So when we driving home TH goes you were the second fastest in the pool. I said well really I was the third fastest, and there were only three swimmers so I either came in third or last however you want to look at it.
No no TH said there were other people in the pool. Okay yes there were a bunch of eighty and ninety year olds that it took them close to five minutes to finish one lap and even then I was afraid for them, but saying that there was others in the pool - let just say there was only three in the pool that could swim.
It is funny to watch these little old ladies making their way to the end of the pool trying very hard not to let their hair get wet. And if you are swimming and you accidentally splash them they think you did it on purpose and that you are an evil person. I say what are you doing at a pool if you don't want to get your hair wet?
Anyway, I asked TH (or maybe stated I don't know) that she was much younger then I was (the girl swimmer) and he said yeah she looked to be in her early 50's. HUH??? Now how old does he think I am? I still consider myself in my early 50's and I plan to stay in my early 50's until I am 56 then I will be in my mid 50's, but that definitely wasn't the answer I was looking for.
Now my dearest mother knew the exactly right thing to say, no T she was definitely in her early 40's if not late 30's. Love you mom.
So then TH goes, I don't know much about swimming but it seemed that you only had one speed, slow. I know with running we go slow, fast, slow, fast, maybe with swimming it is just one speed?
Well Sweety, it is just one speed for me. I am not in the best of shape and the only time that I have more then one speed is with LZ and then I can barely make it through a half hour. So to do a full workout I can't do it at any other speed then slow.
Oh well (seems to be my catch phrase) I try.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Day 423 - Friday - Ooo Clothes
When T2 was here last week I tried on all of J's clothes and we had our own little fashion show. We both decided that J can pick out all my clothes or when she gets tired of her clothes she can just give them to me.
I haven't had a chance to wear any of the new clothes that I have - yet.
Interlude - T just came running up to me with a bully stick hanging out of her mouth, it looked like a cigarillo, it was very cute. All I have been hearing all day is grr bark grr whine grr bark. T is being a bully when it comes to all the treats I have bought for the little one, and the little one thinks that she deserves them all since I did give them to her. When I am looking T will back away from them, but when I have my back to them it seems that T is a bit of a bully.
End interlude.
So today I have a meeting with an auditor and I decided that I would dress better then I have in the past. so I went and put on my new bra, my new boots, my new dress and jacket (thank you J) and I am ready to go. Probably overdressed, but hey I deserve it since I haven't been able to wear a dress in years.
I haven't had a chance to wear any of the new clothes that I have - yet.
Interlude - T just came running up to me with a bully stick hanging out of her mouth, it looked like a cigarillo, it was very cute. All I have been hearing all day is grr bark grr whine grr bark. T is being a bully when it comes to all the treats I have bought for the little one, and the little one thinks that she deserves them all since I did give them to her. When I am looking T will back away from them, but when I have my back to them it seems that T is a bit of a bully.
End interlude.
So today I have a meeting with an auditor and I decided that I would dress better then I have in the past. so I went and put on my new bra, my new boots, my new dress and jacket (thank you J) and I am ready to go. Probably overdressed, but hey I deserve it since I haven't been able to wear a dress in years.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 422 - Thursday - coloring
I always have something clever to say after I write the blog, but when it comes time to write it for the life of me I just can't think of anything to say. Today I went in to have my hair colored (my color of course) and sitting in front of that mirror with nothing to do but looking at my turkey neck I began feeling really sorry for myself. Would I have this turkey neck if I hadn't gained all that weight? If I would have had the turkey neck would it be as bad as it is?
I know people think I am vain (at least that is what they tell me) but I am not vain. I don't seem to think people realize that I always have felt plain (thick or thin didn't matter) and every time I ever looked in the mirror I have never liked what I saw. So there are times when I will see a picture and think huh thats' me? But most of the time I am who I am and that is just a plain jane.
I had blogged before that losing weight for older people will not bring you beauty and youth, but even younger people you are not going to suddenly become a beauty queen (or king.) But then who is? With fake noses, teeth, cheeks, lips, who know what people really look like now a days. Everyone can look 30 for a price. The future is here. But you can't do it by losing weight. You have to buy the scaple for that.
I know people think I am vain (at least that is what they tell me) but I am not vain. I don't seem to think people realize that I always have felt plain (thick or thin didn't matter) and every time I ever looked in the mirror I have never liked what I saw. So there are times when I will see a picture and think huh thats' me? But most of the time I am who I am and that is just a plain jane.
I had blogged before that losing weight for older people will not bring you beauty and youth, but even younger people you are not going to suddenly become a beauty queen (or king.) But then who is? With fake noses, teeth, cheeks, lips, who know what people really look like now a days. Everyone can look 30 for a price. The future is here. But you can't do it by losing weight. You have to buy the scaple for that.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 421 - Finally caught up Wednesday December 7, 2011
Well after like two months I finally saw E. She is the poster child of success making goal in July and keeping it off, without any of this oops I gained five pounds. She is consitent with the weight and she looks great. Something for everyone to strive for.
Group was actually okay this week, Cohort 1 finished up the 82 weeks, with three participants (I know doesn't sound like a lot, but it is better then none.) That means we have 20 more weeks. April 10th I guess is our final day, wow.
Last year this time I had lost 34.5 pounds and we were on week 10. I wouldn't mind losing as quickly as I was before, but I know that isn't realistic. I know now I won't make goal by the 82 weeks, but at least I will be in spitting distance (I hope) so just exercise and hope for the best.
Well tomorrow I get rid of the gray, wish me luck.
Group was actually okay this week, Cohort 1 finished up the 82 weeks, with three participants (I know doesn't sound like a lot, but it is better then none.) That means we have 20 more weeks. April 10th I guess is our final day, wow.
Last year this time I had lost 34.5 pounds and we were on week 10. I wouldn't mind losing as quickly as I was before, but I know that isn't realistic. I know now I won't make goal by the 82 weeks, but at least I will be in spitting distance (I hope) so just exercise and hope for the best.
Well tomorrow I get rid of the gray, wish me luck.
Day 420 - Tuesday - Finally Goal
So I finally met my 1985 goal. So this is the weight I was when I decided that I had to lose weight and my dad made a bet with me who could lose the most weight. I won the bet, but I don't think I collected. Oh well.
So the next goal is only 12 pounds, but it seems that at the rate I have been losing weight that might just take me into April. I certainly hope not, but according to my schedule that will be the January 6, but it took me two extra months to lose up to this goal.
The significance of this number is all about clothes. At this weight in the past, I was out of the plus sizes and into the regular sizes. I have found that I am not quite fitting into the clothes the same way I had been before, but I am thinking it is the loose skin. I will let everyone know if I can actually fit into regular sizes in twelve pounds. Historically I have found that 10 pounds is generally a size, but I don't know if that still hold true...Stayed tuned.
So the next goal is only 12 pounds, but it seems that at the rate I have been losing weight that might just take me into April. I certainly hope not, but according to my schedule that will be the January 6, but it took me two extra months to lose up to this goal.
The significance of this number is all about clothes. At this weight in the past, I was out of the plus sizes and into the regular sizes. I have found that I am not quite fitting into the clothes the same way I had been before, but I am thinking it is the loose skin. I will let everyone know if I can actually fit into regular sizes in twelve pounds. Historically I have found that 10 pounds is generally a size, but I don't know if that still hold true...Stayed tuned.
Day 419 - Monday December 5, 2011
I downloaded a bunch of pictures off the camera to post some pictures of TB, but I also have some pictures of me before the diet on the camera. Oh my.
I said that I would post before and after pictures, but I think that I am too ashamed to post the before. But also I can see why people didn't see my weight loss in the beginning. It was hard to see that I had lost weight, I did a good job hiding the weight. But still you can't hide it all.
It is kind of like driving by an accident, you don't want to look, but you just can't help it.
It helped me though. I have been having some difficulty in recent motivation. I have been semi okay with the status quo, but after seeing the pictures I definitely do not want to be there again. It seems to me I lost my way for a few weeks, but I seem to have found my way back after viewing those pictures.
I believe that maybe I should just carry a picture of me around so anytime I feel like over indulging I should pull out that picture first. Might help
But for now, I am back and hoping for a few weeks of weight loss.
I said that I would post before and after pictures, but I think that I am too ashamed to post the before. But also I can see why people didn't see my weight loss in the beginning. It was hard to see that I had lost weight, I did a good job hiding the weight. But still you can't hide it all.
It is kind of like driving by an accident, you don't want to look, but you just can't help it.
It helped me though. I have been having some difficulty in recent motivation. I have been semi okay with the status quo, but after seeing the pictures I definitely do not want to be there again. It seems to me I lost my way for a few weeks, but I seem to have found my way back after viewing those pictures.
I believe that maybe I should just carry a picture of me around so anytime I feel like over indulging I should pull out that picture first. Might help
But for now, I am back and hoping for a few weeks of weight loss.
Day 418 - Sunday - All Quiet on the Western Front
Well as quiet as can be with two old foggeys and one pup and old dog. I decided to wear my new bra just to see how it felt, and well other than I can't see my feet all is well.
T is feeling a bit out of control, I can't really tell if she is tired of the pup or not, but she definitely is having fun occasionally. But there is a whole lot more growling going on in this here household then there use to be.
I let the dogs go running out ahead of me, and I follow at human pace behind, so by the time I got to the bottom of the step T had the pups whole head in her mouth. I started saying gentle gentle I could see her getting startled and biting the pups head of. Not a pleasant sight. Yes I have been watching to much Bones.
Looking forward to TB being housebroken so I don't have to spend every minute of every day watching her.
T is feeling a bit out of control, I can't really tell if she is tired of the pup or not, but she definitely is having fun occasionally. But there is a whole lot more growling going on in this here household then there use to be.
I let the dogs go running out ahead of me, and I follow at human pace behind, so by the time I got to the bottom of the step T had the pups whole head in her mouth. I started saying gentle gentle I could see her getting startled and biting the pups head of. Not a pleasant sight. Yes I have been watching to much Bones.
Looking forward to TB being housebroken so I don't have to spend every minute of every day watching her.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Day 416 - Friday - I am just so tired
I am at the end of my energy, I got up and swam - hard - came home and watched the puppy. I want her to feel happy that this is her home so I spent a lot of time playing with her and pulling my leg out of her mouth, but T seems to be accepting her more, and the little one does adore the big one so as long as T doesn't get mad at her and bite her head off (literally) I think all will be good.
But I completely collapsed at about 6 pm could hardly keep my eyes open and couldn't wait for TH to come home so I could have a break. How do people have children? I didn't even get to fully enjoy T2's last day here.
I need to be a bit younger.
But I completely collapsed at about 6 pm could hardly keep my eyes open and couldn't wait for TH to come home so I could have a break. How do people have children? I didn't even get to fully enjoy T2's last day here.
I need to be a bit younger.
Day 415 - Thursday - Yikes I am bald
So in my shame of being heavy I have been not going to a hairdresser (like it will do any good) so when my hair got really bad I would have K or T2 trim it up for me. But this diet has taken my hair which when I started was in the middle of my back to almost shoulder length hair, yes it has broken off and shed that much.
So T2 got an appointment with the King of Hairdressers, and I was to allow him to do anything he wanted with my hair, no matter how short he wanted to do it. T2 told me I would have to let him shave it if it came to that. Hmmph, I don't think I would have let him do that, but yes it is short. I have taken to wearing scarves since my poor neck now gets very very cold.
But as I saw the hair flying around my feet, I started to wonder is there anything left? I had this image of my dad famous pixie cut he gave me when I was in India, and how I had to wear a scarf on my head for close to four months. He had cut it so short nobody could have fixed it even if there was someone around to fix it.
So I went through the normal feelings of lose, but in the end I think it turned out okay.
So T2 got an appointment with the King of Hairdressers, and I was to allow him to do anything he wanted with my hair, no matter how short he wanted to do it. T2 told me I would have to let him shave it if it came to that. Hmmph, I don't think I would have let him do that, but yes it is short. I have taken to wearing scarves since my poor neck now gets very very cold.
But as I saw the hair flying around my feet, I started to wonder is there anything left? I had this image of my dad famous pixie cut he gave me when I was in India, and how I had to wear a scarf on my head for close to four months. He had cut it so short nobody could have fixed it even if there was someone around to fix it.
So I went through the normal feelings of lose, but in the end I think it turned out okay.
Day 414 - Wednesday - Busy day in the SM household
So I had I busy day planned, starting with an early morning swim with LZ. I was very excited to have T2 come and see me swim, and she was there that first day that I got in the water oh 2.5 months ago. Wow only two and a half months - really?
But I always know that T2 will always get the scoop for me. I sometimes feel I am spinning my wheels, but if LZ says I am improving I guess that is good for me.
When we got back from swimming, T2 took off and I played happily with the new pup, but I have to say she is very tiring, and then when T2 got back we went shopping.
I wasn't quite ready to go shopping, but T2 gently pushed me out the door as I was saying, but I can't leave the pup. I haven't been to a real store to shop since - well since 1993, so I was sure I was going to get the evil eye like do really think there are any clothes that will fit you here?
And it did happen, but opposite of what I expected. we got to the "plus" size department and the lady came up to us and gently tried to push us out. When I said I was shopping for me, she said well you hide it well in those clothes. So what have I been doing for the last twenty years? Trying to hide my fat of course, so of course I hide it well.
So when I was trying the clothes on the sales lady looked at me and said I am going to get you a bra fitting. Say what? I wear sports bras, I don't even know my size, so I ignored her, until she badgered me enough so I relented.
The woman (or should I say girl) who came in was probably no older then 17 and she said something along the lines of lifting my ladies. Excuse me - my ladies??? I never thought of myself in the plural maybe this is some reverse psychotic break? Do I have a head growing out of my chest? I mean really my ladies? But I did end up buying some clothes for "my ladies" enough said.
But I always know that T2 will always get the scoop for me. I sometimes feel I am spinning my wheels, but if LZ says I am improving I guess that is good for me.
When we got back from swimming, T2 took off and I played happily with the new pup, but I have to say she is very tiring, and then when T2 got back we went shopping.
I wasn't quite ready to go shopping, but T2 gently pushed me out the door as I was saying, but I can't leave the pup. I haven't been to a real store to shop since - well since 1993, so I was sure I was going to get the evil eye like do really think there are any clothes that will fit you here?
And it did happen, but opposite of what I expected. we got to the "plus" size department and the lady came up to us and gently tried to push us out. When I said I was shopping for me, she said well you hide it well in those clothes. So what have I been doing for the last twenty years? Trying to hide my fat of course, so of course I hide it well.
So when I was trying the clothes on the sales lady looked at me and said I am going to get you a bra fitting. Say what? I wear sports bras, I don't even know my size, so I ignored her, until she badgered me enough so I relented.
The woman (or should I say girl) who came in was probably no older then 17 and she said something along the lines of lifting my ladies. Excuse me - my ladies??? I never thought of myself in the plural maybe this is some reverse psychotic break? Do I have a head growing out of my chest? I mean really my ladies? But I did end up buying some clothes for "my ladies" enough said.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Day 412 - Sunday November 27 - Only one more day
So now we make our way back to the house and I say a teary goodbye to T1, Big D and Little N. But I knew I was going to see T1 and Little N the next day, but even more importantly I was going to meet the newest member of the family - Baby T, hmm Puppy T? Anyway I didn't think the day was going to get here fast enough, and the diet just wasn't that important. Tomorrow was the day!!!
Day 411 - Saturday - I am thinking of...
I am so far behind, and it probably is the best time to blog since I have a serious problem about staying within my allotted calories. Saturday I was still eating thanksgiving food, and I saw no real end to it. I did try to exercise, but when I got in the pool it was 95 degrees, a bit hot to swim in, but it was relaxing. So not only did I not exercise, I did not cut back on my food. In fact I even had steak. Lets go wild wouldn't you say.
So I found myself saying the tomorrow game. Tomorrow I will be better. Hummph. A week later I am still saying it. Yikes - when is tomorrow going to come?
So I found myself saying the tomorrow game. Tomorrow I will be better. Hummph. A week later I am still saying it. Yikes - when is tomorrow going to come?
Day 410 - Friday - Day after Thanksgiving
So the day after thanksgiving we went to the Christmas fair. I remember last year it was difficult because all the food looked good and I couldn't eat any of it. This year it wasn't so bad because I was still stuffed from yesterday. Did I do good? Well I didn't do "bad" but I definitely went over my calorie allotment.
To make up for it I did swim, which made me feel like I could eat a little extra, which I did, so I ended up eating more then I should have on Friday as well.
But the scale didn't change so I thought I had made it through the hump of this eating holiday. Or not.
To make up for it I did swim, which made me feel like I could eat a little extra, which I did, so I ended up eating more then I should have on Friday as well.
But the scale didn't change so I thought I had made it through the hump of this eating holiday. Or not.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 408 - Wednesday - Swimming - and GV
Talk about lazy, I just couldn't get myself to move. Swimming was a bust. I am not sure what I am suppose to do after I finish with my lesson, do I do a full workout or just cool down. Today I just couldn't even motivate myself to do a little workout, so as soon as it was over I hopped out and ran home so we could be off on our wild and wacky adventure to GV.
Day 407 - Tuesday 22 2011 - Group
Finally I got to walk before group, and it did help to lose weight, though it wasn't this great weight loss I had hoped for. We seem to be walking faster if not longer, and since I had walked a bit earlier, I wasn't really sure how far we went, but far enough.
Group was made of the usually suspects and as usual not very helpful. I have taken to clock watching but Wednesday is coming so all ends up good.
Group was made of the usually suspects and as usual not very helpful. I have taken to clock watching but Wednesday is coming so all ends up good.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Day 406 - Dieting
So I have been doing this program for over a year now, and I keep saying I am dieting, but really I am not dieting anymore. I have more weight to lose, but I have stopped thinking of it as a diet. I realized a few months ago it is always going to be watching what I put in my mouth, and now that I found out that I genetically predisposed toward obesity I will always be watching til my teeth won't work anymore.
The point is this is the amount I probably will always have to eat. Losing a pound or two a week will eventually slow down as I continue to lose weight, so by the time I actually hit my goal weight my guess is this is all I can eat to maintain. But even now I allow myself certain times off from the strictness of the food intake, so I don't really have that feeling of being deprived as I did many years ago. But it is the acceptance that I am eating this way for the rest of my life, and there won't be a time that I can say I am done. I am done, have been for the last year, and probably (hopefully) for years to come.
So I don't cheat, don't go off it. Don't say oh goodness I had something I shouldn't so let the gates open and all of that stuff. I eat something that isn't "good" I look at it in the scheme of my intake and diet and decide then what to do about it. Am I done eating for the day? Do I do an extra exercise? Or have I done enough that I don't have to worry about it.
There are days that I want to gorge, that I hear that old voice saying what does it hurt to go off just for today, eat whatever you want come on you know you want it. And I find myself reaching for that illusive food that will satisfy whatever I am craving for, but I have overcome those impulses for now. I don't know what will happen if I give in to that voice, but for now, today I have overcome.
The point is this is the amount I probably will always have to eat. Losing a pound or two a week will eventually slow down as I continue to lose weight, so by the time I actually hit my goal weight my guess is this is all I can eat to maintain. But even now I allow myself certain times off from the strictness of the food intake, so I don't really have that feeling of being deprived as I did many years ago. But it is the acceptance that I am eating this way for the rest of my life, and there won't be a time that I can say I am done. I am done, have been for the last year, and probably (hopefully) for years to come.
So I don't cheat, don't go off it. Don't say oh goodness I had something I shouldn't so let the gates open and all of that stuff. I eat something that isn't "good" I look at it in the scheme of my intake and diet and decide then what to do about it. Am I done eating for the day? Do I do an extra exercise? Or have I done enough that I don't have to worry about it.
There are days that I want to gorge, that I hear that old voice saying what does it hurt to go off just for today, eat whatever you want come on you know you want it. And I find myself reaching for that illusive food that will satisfy whatever I am craving for, but I have overcome those impulses for now. I don't know what will happen if I give in to that voice, but for now, today I have overcome.
Day 405 - Swimming partner
So I swam on Monday, but I just couldn't bring myself to go hard so instead I went long (ha ha sounds like a football game) so I swam for an hour and a half, and was able to do the whole thing at one speed (not good really.)
But as you probably guessed from my thousand of earlier blogs, I was not the fastest in the pool. I decided to do 5 x 400, 5x200 and 5 x 100 and try and do the 100's hard, but it didn't happen. By the time I got to the 100's my leg was cramping so badly that I actually had to stop twice to stretch it out. But I digress. So doing the 400 the guy next to me (he wouldn't win any prizes for pretty swim) lapped me once per 400 - okay I was averaging 2 minute 100's (to give you a reference point when I was younger and training I was repeating 100's @ 1:05-1:10, and I wasn't a freestyler) which means he was doing the hundreds at 1:30, but I couldn't keep up. I would be able to keep up for a lap, but then he would do a flip and leave me in the dust. And I am not ready to do flips yet, but close...they will definitely take time off.
So he got done and then two people got in the lane next to me a man and a woman. And they were swimming together. At first I didn't realize that they were, but when I stopped they were actually pacing each other (well I am guessing he was pacing her more then she was pacing him) then they would stop and kick and while they kicked she would blather away and he would say yea = oh = interesting. So by the end of the set she was panting and puffing and he was like okay now we are doing...
And I felt how lucky that they are working out together - wouldn't it be nice if I had a swimming partner too? Maybe if I advertise - Looking for someone who is faster then me who will work out with me 5 days a week and pace me. Hmm I don't think so. Well a girl can dream.
But as you probably guessed from my thousand of earlier blogs, I was not the fastest in the pool. I decided to do 5 x 400, 5x200 and 5 x 100 and try and do the 100's hard, but it didn't happen. By the time I got to the 100's my leg was cramping so badly that I actually had to stop twice to stretch it out. But I digress. So doing the 400 the guy next to me (he wouldn't win any prizes for pretty swim) lapped me once per 400 - okay I was averaging 2 minute 100's (to give you a reference point when I was younger and training I was repeating 100's @ 1:05-1:10, and I wasn't a freestyler) which means he was doing the hundreds at 1:30, but I couldn't keep up. I would be able to keep up for a lap, but then he would do a flip and leave me in the dust. And I am not ready to do flips yet, but close...they will definitely take time off.
So he got done and then two people got in the lane next to me a man and a woman. And they were swimming together. At first I didn't realize that they were, but when I stopped they were actually pacing each other (well I am guessing he was pacing her more then she was pacing him) then they would stop and kick and while they kicked she would blather away and he would say yea = oh = interesting. So by the end of the set she was panting and puffing and he was like okay now we are doing...
And I felt how lucky that they are working out together - wouldn't it be nice if I had a swimming partner too? Maybe if I advertise - Looking for someone who is faster then me who will work out with me 5 days a week and pace me. Hmm I don't think so. Well a girl can dream.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Day 404 - Count Down
So I am counting down - counting down to puppy, to T2 to Big D and T1 at GV, I am counting down to a happy and wonderful next couple of weeks. I am so excited I just can't hide it. Isn't that how the song goes. And in the midst of all this excitement I have to continue to lose weight.
So I got all excited on Wednesday because it looked like I had lost four pounds on Tuesday. Then on Thursday it looked like I lost another pound, then this morning I had gained it all back. Hmm. I think I am just going to quite weighing myself (not.)
Maybe the dinner was bad - but I don't think I did bad. I mean not five pounds bad, so I will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out how bad it was.
At least this Tuesday I will be walking so that will help - dehydrate myself before I walk and then dehydrate myself a bit more. J may be picking me up off the ground, but anything to make that scale move. Down.
So I got all excited on Wednesday because it looked like I had lost four pounds on Tuesday. Then on Thursday it looked like I lost another pound, then this morning I had gained it all back. Hmm. I think I am just going to quite weighing myself (not.)
Maybe the dinner was bad - but I don't think I did bad. I mean not five pounds bad, so I will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out how bad it was.
At least this Tuesday I will be walking so that will help - dehydrate myself before I walk and then dehydrate myself a bit more. J may be picking me up off the ground, but anything to make that scale move. Down.
Day 403 - What size am I
So I am approaching the weight that I can wear some of my clothes, and I find that they are not fitting. That is strange since I know at this weight they should fit fine. One skirt I can't even button, so I sat down, not really perplexed, but a little disheartened. It isn't because I don't weigh the same as I did when I wore those clothes before, but I have this extra layer that I didn't have before. I always hopes before this moment comes, that maybe I didn't do it to myself, maybe I will go back to the way it was, but for me it just isn't going to be. That extra layer is here to stay.
I hope that losing more weight I will get rid of a bit more of the layer, and goodness gracious my face - ya know.
I am showing signs of age, in what I always have thought I would be ageless, so I am thinking that I possibly will not age as gracefully as say my grandmothers, mother, or all who have come before. It just kind of crept up on me as I tried to beautify myself for the fundraising dinner. I looked in the mirror and thought you are not aging badly at all I think I will take a picture and send it to people, so I snapped a picture and when I looked at I thought who the hell is that old person in the mirror. The camera is a horrible invention.
I hope that losing more weight I will get rid of a bit more of the layer, and goodness gracious my face - ya know.
I am showing signs of age, in what I always have thought I would be ageless, so I am thinking that I possibly will not age as gracefully as say my grandmothers, mother, or all who have come before. It just kind of crept up on me as I tried to beautify myself for the fundraising dinner. I looked in the mirror and thought you are not aging badly at all I think I will take a picture and send it to people, so I snapped a picture and when I looked at I thought who the hell is that old person in the mirror. The camera is a horrible invention.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 402 - Cramps aches and pains
So I woke up late today, I was going to go swimming, but as my leg started to cramp I thought better of it. Then I went upstairs and decided I had to swim today, even if it was just a nice and easy one. After yesterday and LZ working me to exhaustion I wasn't ready to do a repeat. To be honest my arms hurt with no effort on my part. I am hoping that it means I am getting stronger and not that I have injury or I am just a weakling. We can hope, at least walking with J I won't have to do chin ups or anything crazy like that.
So I haven't really walked since I last walked with J, I think what - three weeks? Lazy...so I don't know how hard this is going to be. She may be leaving me in the dust, but that is okay, I get what I deserve.
Oh good as I was writing the pain ceased (at least temporarily) so I can continue writing. I went to TH's office on Tuesday to have some papers notarized, and I was informed that I was a completely different person. TH told me to take it as a compliment - Hmm okay, I am too tired to complain - but just wait, I do have some choice things to say about that.
Back to the cramping. So it was going to be all about distance today, but when I started my second set my leg cramped so I gave up and got out of the water - am I a quitter? I am very careful about leg cramps because if I get a full on cramp my leg will be sore for days, and when they hit I can't do anything but scream and I don't want to be screaming at the pool, so... really I am thinking of everyone else not just me.
Cramps suck.
So I haven't really walked since I last walked with J, I think what - three weeks? Lazy...so I don't know how hard this is going to be. She may be leaving me in the dust, but that is okay, I get what I deserve.
Oh good as I was writing the pain ceased (at least temporarily) so I can continue writing. I went to TH's office on Tuesday to have some papers notarized, and I was informed that I was a completely different person. TH told me to take it as a compliment - Hmm okay, I am too tired to complain - but just wait, I do have some choice things to say about that.
Back to the cramping. So it was going to be all about distance today, but when I started my second set my leg cramped so I gave up and got out of the water - am I a quitter? I am very careful about leg cramps because if I get a full on cramp my leg will be sore for days, and when they hit I can't do anything but scream and I don't want to be screaming at the pool, so... really I am thinking of everyone else not just me.
Cramps suck.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day 401 - Reflections
I seem to have been talking quite a bit about my weight loss, which makes me reflect on what I am doing and what I expect from it. Sometimes I find what comes out of my mouth surprises me. It is like do I really believe that? Where did that come from?
I had lunch with Z the other day and we were discussing the emotional implications of the weight loss. I told her if someone our age wants to lose weight because they want to look better they might as well forget about it, because you are not going to become a beautiful 25 year old by losing the weight. In some cases it might even make you look worse, showing your age or even aging you more then your age (if that makes sense.)
I realized that prior to my commitment to lose weight, I had at the back of my mind that even if I did lose the weight I was too old to be attractive anymore. And if I couldn't be attractive why should I lose the weight? I live in a society where looks are the be all and end all, so it is all about looks and so if you are old it is hard to get motivated to lose the weight.
But then you realize as you try to squeeze into a chair or walk up the hill it really has very little to do with looks. People will be nicer to you, they will accept you as a person, not because you are good looking, but because you are not fat. In this society that beauty thing is pretty much over by the time you hit forty. Very few older women are described as beautiful. That is a word to describe the young. But surprisingly if you are older and obese, you really are not judged as harshly then if you are young and obese. In fact there is a certain leeway older people are given for their weight that is not lent to the younger person, but do not get me wrong just because people are more lenient towards the older obese person they still are not forgiving. If you are fat that is the only description people will generally use to describe you. We will never be the woman with the blond hair and brown eyes, just that fat woman.
It is the way of this society for good or bad.
I had lunch with Z the other day and we were discussing the emotional implications of the weight loss. I told her if someone our age wants to lose weight because they want to look better they might as well forget about it, because you are not going to become a beautiful 25 year old by losing the weight. In some cases it might even make you look worse, showing your age or even aging you more then your age (if that makes sense.)
I realized that prior to my commitment to lose weight, I had at the back of my mind that even if I did lose the weight I was too old to be attractive anymore. And if I couldn't be attractive why should I lose the weight? I live in a society where looks are the be all and end all, so it is all about looks and so if you are old it is hard to get motivated to lose the weight.
But then you realize as you try to squeeze into a chair or walk up the hill it really has very little to do with looks. People will be nicer to you, they will accept you as a person, not because you are good looking, but because you are not fat. In this society that beauty thing is pretty much over by the time you hit forty. Very few older women are described as beautiful. That is a word to describe the young. But surprisingly if you are older and obese, you really are not judged as harshly then if you are young and obese. In fact there is a certain leeway older people are given for their weight that is not lent to the younger person, but do not get me wrong just because people are more lenient towards the older obese person they still are not forgiving. If you are fat that is the only description people will generally use to describe you. We will never be the woman with the blond hair and brown eyes, just that fat woman.
It is the way of this society for good or bad.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Day 400 - Sad day at the okay corral
I gained weight this week, so now I have to work doubly hard to lose it. And I was ambushed. The facilitator asked if I would talk with this woman who was having some issues about losing after the program and I agreed. So when I went up to meet with her, I found it was the whole group. But I chose to be brutally honest and I was a little surprised by their questions.
I told them how much I had lost, I told them that I didn't cheat, I didn't binge, I didn't constantly think about food all the time, but I got one question that threw me for a loop. One person asked me if I had ever binged, gone off the diet and just went wild. I told her no, and she said why - so aren't you embarrassed about being over weight? HUH? How does my staying strictly on the diet translate to me not being embarrassed about being overweight. Actually I think she used the word shame. I would have thought it would be the other way around.
Other questions that they asked were how long had I been overweight, what made me decide to lose the weight and how did I gain the weight in the first place. I mean really they are all in the same place I am, don't they know why they chose to lose the weight. I am sure everyones catalyst is different, and asking how long I had been overweight? I am not sure what the information would do for them. And they kept asking if after I went on real food did I find that my stomach had shrunk, I mean come on really? And how did I gain the weight in the first place?
I know they were looking to see if there was something in me that they could translate to themselves I am sure. See she did it and she was...I can do it too.
I see it, I understand it, I blog it.
I told them how much I had lost, I told them that I didn't cheat, I didn't binge, I didn't constantly think about food all the time, but I got one question that threw me for a loop. One person asked me if I had ever binged, gone off the diet and just went wild. I told her no, and she said why - so aren't you embarrassed about being over weight? HUH? How does my staying strictly on the diet translate to me not being embarrassed about being overweight. Actually I think she used the word shame. I would have thought it would be the other way around.
Other questions that they asked were how long had I been overweight, what made me decide to lose the weight and how did I gain the weight in the first place. I mean really they are all in the same place I am, don't they know why they chose to lose the weight. I am sure everyones catalyst is different, and asking how long I had been overweight? I am not sure what the information would do for them. And they kept asking if after I went on real food did I find that my stomach had shrunk, I mean come on really? And how did I gain the weight in the first place?
I know they were looking to see if there was something in me that they could translate to themselves I am sure. See she did it and she was...I can do it too.
I see it, I understand it, I blog it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Day 399 - November 14, 2011 - I am a new mom!!!
I just found out I am a proud mom of a baby furry white T. I wish I could have her now, but we have to wait another two weeks. OPEN OPEN OPEN.
I just worry a bit about my T. I hope she doesn't feel hurt or unloved because we have a new baby. I hope she won't eat the new baby. She is my princess and I want her to always remember that she is my princess. No furry white thing will ever take her place.
But I am excited nonetheless.
I just worry a bit about my T. I hope she doesn't feel hurt or unloved because we have a new baby. I hope she won't eat the new baby. She is my princess and I want her to always remember that she is my princess. No furry white thing will ever take her place.
But I am excited nonetheless.
Day 398 November 13, 2011 - Sunday
I am trying to catch up here. I don't really remember to well what happened two days ago let alone a week, but TH came home and I went to Rossmoor to swim.
I was not that "good" while K was visiting, and I have probably gained another two pounds, so I have to maybe starve myself to take that two pounds off so I can break even this week, but I am not optimistic. My Fresh Diet is quickly coming to an end, and I keep hoping that they will have another promo so I don't have to pay full price, but that is not looking promising either.
So I went to Rossmoor as I said before and I found that I was not the fastest in the pool. There were quite a few swimmers who were flying along doing flip turns and probably 15 seconds faster then me per lap. Blah. Just as I was finishing up this young whipper snapper got in my lane and asked if we could share. I always say yes, but inside I say no. Not if you are faster then me, not if you are slower then me, not if you are...mom never really did a good job on teaching me to share - well she did a good job teaching me to share, but not to do it graciously.
And worse still my eleven year old niece is faster then I am, in fact she is faster then I was at her age. Well okay not in the backstroke, but everything else. Oh well, thank god I am not competitive
I was not that "good" while K was visiting, and I have probably gained another two pounds, so I have to maybe starve myself to take that two pounds off so I can break even this week, but I am not optimistic. My Fresh Diet is quickly coming to an end, and I keep hoping that they will have another promo so I don't have to pay full price, but that is not looking promising either.
So I went to Rossmoor as I said before and I found that I was not the fastest in the pool. There were quite a few swimmers who were flying along doing flip turns and probably 15 seconds faster then me per lap. Blah. Just as I was finishing up this young whipper snapper got in my lane and asked if we could share. I always say yes, but inside I say no. Not if you are faster then me, not if you are slower then me, not if you are...mom never really did a good job on teaching me to share - well she did a good job teaching me to share, but not to do it graciously.
And worse still my eleven year old niece is faster then I am, in fact she is faster then I was at her age. Well okay not in the backstroke, but everything else. Oh well, thank god I am not competitive
Day 397 - November 12, Saturday
K left today, and then I came home and spent the rest of the day watching TV. T and I cuddled on the bed and before I knew it I snoring silently. TH comes home tomorrow, so I am sure that quiet peacefulness will soon end.
Day 396 - November 11, 2011 (picket fences)
We decided that we would have a quiet day this veterans day. We won't see 11-11-11 for another hundred years so it was an important day to just sit back and reflect. And that is what we did. We went and visited the cemetery and just had a quiet day at home.
I did manage to get up in the morning and swim, and though the water was cold, once I got going it was nice. It started raining but I was in the pool so it didn't bother me too much.
T was also happy that I spent the day with her. She has been feeling a bit neglected so...
I did manage to get up in the morning and swim, and though the water was cold, once I got going it was nice. It started raining but I was in the pool so it didn't bother me too much.
T was also happy that I spent the day with her. She has been feeling a bit neglected so...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 395 - November 10 - How do you lose money in nothing flat? Go to a casino
So Thursday I gathered Big D and K up and off we went to the local casino. I lost - Big D won - Nuff said.
Day 394 - November 9 - Hair
Swimming in the morning, I crashed soon after the lesson, and I couldn't get moving again, so it was a little workout, but with a big day planned.
We were meeting B at the theater, but I was sleepy having gotten up and gone swimming at such an ungodly hour, and I didn't get my tea, so I was planning on going early find a Starbucks and having a vanilla latte. Well we did get there early, but I didn't find a Starbucks (can you believe that a Starbucks on every corner, but not one around the theater?) We did find a place that made lattes and I did manage to stay awake for the whole show.
J had also informed me last night that the show was interactive. I like to sit on the end seat, but once I heard that I was not going to sit on the aisle - no way no how. It wasn't to bad, and B does like the interactive part so she got to the be in the aisle.
Then we went to dinner. Delicious wonderful dinner. Did I say delicious? Did I pig out, not really, but I definitely ate more then I should have, but you know what the heck - I have six more days to lose the weight.
We were meeting B at the theater, but I was sleepy having gotten up and gone swimming at such an ungodly hour, and I didn't get my tea, so I was planning on going early find a Starbucks and having a vanilla latte. Well we did get there early, but I didn't find a Starbucks (can you believe that a Starbucks on every corner, but not one around the theater?) We did find a place that made lattes and I did manage to stay awake for the whole show.
J had also informed me last night that the show was interactive. I like to sit on the end seat, but once I heard that I was not going to sit on the aisle - no way no how. It wasn't to bad, and B does like the interactive part so she got to the be in the aisle.
Then we went to dinner. Delicious wonderful dinner. Did I say delicious? Did I pig out, not really, but I definitely ate more then I should have, but you know what the heck - I have six more days to lose the weight.
Day 393 - November 8, dinner with good friends and good food
So it was weigh in day for me and I hadn't been really following the program since I got back (dinner out dinner out lunch out dinner out) so I was a little worried about weigh in, but I thought heck how bad can it be? Bad.
I had gained two pounds - almost three from coming back from Ohio, and all I could think of was how hard it was to lose and how easy to gain.
But nonetheless I was looking forward to dinner with J and K. And it was one of those delightful dinner. Heck it was better then walking 3 miles and then only getting to have water. Here I didn't have to walk anywhere and I got a full course meal. And Wednesday was swimming day, so I was sure I would work off any extra weight I gained from the meal.
Little did I know that the eating wouldn't stop there...
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Day 392 - I Love Popcorn
So I have been getting my food delivered the whole time that K is here, but I haven't eaten much of it. Part of it is going out to eat, well all of it is going out to eat. But yesterday it was about the popcorn. I love popcorn, I love going to the movies so I can have my small bag of unbuttered popcorn for 420 calories. So what do I give up for that 420 calories? My dinner and then some. Dinner is suppose to be 300-400 calories, but I will give it all up for popcorn.
I have seen more movies this year - only for the popcorn (okay not just for the popcorn, but that is the one thing I look most forward to.)
Today I am getting weighed in and I had popcorn yesterday - and I usually retain water when I eat popcorn, so I guess I will have to do the elliptical for what 3 hours? Oh heck with it.
I have seen more movies this year - only for the popcorn (okay not just for the popcorn, but that is the one thing I look most forward to.)
Today I am getting weighed in and I had popcorn yesterday - and I usually retain water when I eat popcorn, so I guess I will have to do the elliptical for what 3 hours? Oh heck with it.
Day 391 - Swimming Blues
So I swam at the indoor pool at Rossmoor yesterday and though not as nice as the outdoor pool it was adequate. I haven't swum for a week, so I was not expecting miracles, but dang it wasn't a great workout.
I was amazed the pool actually had a current - so swimming one way I was in misery and swimming the other way, well I hardly had to swim. But the feel of swimming with the current was wonderful. I felt fast and furious, and I could take one stroke and pause and go a whole yard. Yes that is how strong it was.
We proceeded to the Cheese Cake Factory after the swim - big mistake. Swimming makes me really want to eat, so I didn't exercise the best control, all my hard work in Ohio is slowly disappearing. Bah.
One thing I noticed having K here and Tbaby in Ohio, that people of normal size really don't eat a whole lot. The house in Ohio was filled with potato chips, ice cream, candy, cookies - everything an obese person would want and I think I saw Tbaby eat one cookie and had one bowl of ice cream, but very little else. Here we bought K all sorts of food, and she eats infrequently. I have found myself asking her are you hungry do you want something to eat. Finally I told her that I was going to rely on her to eat or not, but I found myself that night asking her again.
It is more then a hostess thing, but I don't really know exactly what it is. I am like the mother who says eat - eat.
I was amazed the pool actually had a current - so swimming one way I was in misery and swimming the other way, well I hardly had to swim. But the feel of swimming with the current was wonderful. I felt fast and furious, and I could take one stroke and pause and go a whole yard. Yes that is how strong it was.
We proceeded to the Cheese Cake Factory after the swim - big mistake. Swimming makes me really want to eat, so I didn't exercise the best control, all my hard work in Ohio is slowly disappearing. Bah.
One thing I noticed having K here and Tbaby in Ohio, that people of normal size really don't eat a whole lot. The house in Ohio was filled with potato chips, ice cream, candy, cookies - everything an obese person would want and I think I saw Tbaby eat one cookie and had one bowl of ice cream, but very little else. Here we bought K all sorts of food, and she eats infrequently. I have found myself asking her are you hungry do you want something to eat. Finally I told her that I was going to rely on her to eat or not, but I found myself that night asking her again.
It is more then a hostess thing, but I don't really know exactly what it is. I am like the mother who says eat - eat.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Day 390 - Why I don't tell people I am dieting
Dieting is hard without people watching over you to see if you stay on the straight and narrow or to have them watch you to see what you are doing. I had a rather difficult time in Ohio knowing that they were watching what I was doing. It isn't a matter of how much they care, in fact having someone say don't ask her she can't have just pisses me off.
This is my journey, and I have never liked anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I need to feel in charge, especially when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I do not - can not have people tell me - even if they are thinking they are being supportive - I can't eat something.
I felt like they thought I had no control. Just by looking at something or being offered something I do not have the will or won't power to turn it down. Don't offer it to her she is on a diet. What??? Am I some kind of vampire that the mere sight of blood will send me into a feeding frenzy? That is just nuts. And even though they thought that they were being supportive, they were actually being pretty condescending.
Furthermore, to be introduced as my SIL who is half her size is pretty embarrassing as well. They don't know me and they don't really care, but my weight has defined me for too long, I am tired of it still defining me.
This is one of the many reasons I do not like to tell people that I am dieting.
This is my journey, and I have never liked anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I need to feel in charge, especially when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I do not - can not have people tell me - even if they are thinking they are being supportive - I can't eat something.
I felt like they thought I had no control. Just by looking at something or being offered something I do not have the will or won't power to turn it down. Don't offer it to her she is on a diet. What??? Am I some kind of vampire that the mere sight of blood will send me into a feeding frenzy? That is just nuts. And even though they thought that they were being supportive, they were actually being pretty condescending.
Furthermore, to be introduced as my SIL who is half her size is pretty embarrassing as well. They don't know me and they don't really care, but my weight has defined me for too long, I am tired of it still defining me.
This is one of the many reasons I do not like to tell people that I am dieting.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Day 388 - November 3, 2011 - Recovery
It was nothing but a relaxing day, in front of the TV eating popcorn and bon bons. I promised Little T if her parents would let her I would take her to the mall that day, so I went to pick her up at the school. I got there about 2:45 (same time less stress) and I got in line. The next thing I knew she was opening up the door. Hey, I thought you had to wait until I got to the front of the line. She ignored me. I guess she does eat horse manure.
Little T was having her first school dance and we had to find something to wear. We did though I was having doubts. Without B along I can really pick clothes for pre-teens. I am always going for the older look, but Little T finally found something she liked and we started home. I was told to leave before five or I would be sitting in traffic for hours, so I was pushing Little T out the door and hoping to beat the traffic. I finally pulled my ace card - I have to go to the bathroom, lets go. It worked until we got home and Little T kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom yet. I finally went just to shut her up. Oh the things you do to make it all work.
So I was leaving at 7 am, and I thought I should try and get some sleep before I left, so I went to bed early. Little T came and slept with me and read to me until she couldn't read anymore and we both turned on our alarms and hit the sack. Life is good - ya know.
Little T was having her first school dance and we had to find something to wear. We did though I was having doubts. Without B along I can really pick clothes for pre-teens. I am always going for the older look, but Little T finally found something she liked and we started home. I was told to leave before five or I would be sitting in traffic for hours, so I was pushing Little T out the door and hoping to beat the traffic. I finally pulled my ace card - I have to go to the bathroom, lets go. It worked until we got home and Little T kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom yet. I finally went just to shut her up. Oh the things you do to make it all work.
So I was leaving at 7 am, and I thought I should try and get some sleep before I left, so I went to bed early. Little T came and slept with me and read to me until she couldn't read anymore and we both turned on our alarms and hit the sack. Life is good - ya know.
Day 387 - November 2, 2011 - Surgery
Well it was a hurry up and wait type day. I couldn't sleep that night, so I finished my book I was reading, and I didn't really want to start another book, but I still wasn't sleepy, but as I was waiting for something to do, my 23 and me results came back, so I had fun looking at those.
By 4 am I knew if I didn't try and get some sleep then I was not going to be any good that day, so I turned off all equipment and headed to bed. Seven comes awful soon if you go to bed at 4. But we needed to get the children off to school and Tbaby off to the hospital, so I didn't feel the lack of sleep. We got admitted right in, and they took Tbaby right in for the first part, but then it became a waiting game.
I do have to say that Tbaby certainly knows how to charm people. She got the charisma gene, whereas I got none. In fact, all my siblings except for me got that gene. It has always amazed me how people just want to be around my siblings, no matter what they are doing or how they are treating people. But I digress, Tbaby was witty, and funny and open and charming and she had all the nurses and doctors fawning over her. It was a thing of beauty.
But then we waited. We had to get there at 10 am, and the surgery was suppose to be at 3 pm, but by 2 pm I knew they weren't going to take her in before I had to leave to pick up the chitlins. So Tbaby asked that I leave a little early to beat traffic, so off I went.
It actually is a good thing that I left early, because I got completely and totally lost. I didn't have a clue where I was or how I was suppose to find the car that we parked two buildings from the hospital. Unlike the other hospitals I have been too, this hospital seemed to have numerous entrances, and I ended up at one I had never ever seen before. I didn't know if I was still in Ohio by the time I got out of the building, more like a space warp, and I didn't think I would have any problem finding Neil street, but when I found a map of you are here I walked in what I supposed was the correct direction only to find another map saying you are here and finding I had gone in the exact opposite direction.
I was hoping to get home to use the bathroom, but by the time I got home, it was running a little late and I had to go pick up Little T. I got to Little T on time (though I did make a little detour to the high school - dang all of Ohio streets look the same) but she decided I needed to be punished because I was there at 2:45 instead of 2:40. So I had to wait in line until I got to the front of the line (about 10 minutes) before she would get in the car. I asked why she didn't get in the car before I got to the head of the line and she said that she wasn't suppose to. I said other kids were - and she said if other kids eat horse manure am I suppose to? Hmm - okay.
So I went and picked up Little R and I went back to the hospital. I inputted the hospital into the GPS and off I went. As I was passing the freeway entrance that I thought I was suppose to take, the GPS did not tell me to turn so I kept believing it and driving blindly into the sameness of Ohio.
By the time I realized that the GPS was taking me the back roads, I didn't know if it would be faster to turn around or keep going, so I kept going. In the meantime Tbaby had finished up the surgery and it was all good news. Very good news, and there was a possibility that she could come home that night, so I knew I had to get to the hospital - I was their ride.
We won't know all of it until the results come back, but it was all good, couldn't be better, and I knew my job was done.
By 4 am I knew if I didn't try and get some sleep then I was not going to be any good that day, so I turned off all equipment and headed to bed. Seven comes awful soon if you go to bed at 4. But we needed to get the children off to school and Tbaby off to the hospital, so I didn't feel the lack of sleep. We got admitted right in, and they took Tbaby right in for the first part, but then it became a waiting game.
I do have to say that Tbaby certainly knows how to charm people. She got the charisma gene, whereas I got none. In fact, all my siblings except for me got that gene. It has always amazed me how people just want to be around my siblings, no matter what they are doing or how they are treating people. But I digress, Tbaby was witty, and funny and open and charming and she had all the nurses and doctors fawning over her. It was a thing of beauty.
But then we waited. We had to get there at 10 am, and the surgery was suppose to be at 3 pm, but by 2 pm I knew they weren't going to take her in before I had to leave to pick up the chitlins. So Tbaby asked that I leave a little early to beat traffic, so off I went.
It actually is a good thing that I left early, because I got completely and totally lost. I didn't have a clue where I was or how I was suppose to find the car that we parked two buildings from the hospital. Unlike the other hospitals I have been too, this hospital seemed to have numerous entrances, and I ended up at one I had never ever seen before. I didn't know if I was still in Ohio by the time I got out of the building, more like a space warp, and I didn't think I would have any problem finding Neil street, but when I found a map of you are here I walked in what I supposed was the correct direction only to find another map saying you are here and finding I had gone in the exact opposite direction.
I was hoping to get home to use the bathroom, but by the time I got home, it was running a little late and I had to go pick up Little T. I got to Little T on time (though I did make a little detour to the high school - dang all of Ohio streets look the same) but she decided I needed to be punished because I was there at 2:45 instead of 2:40. So I had to wait in line until I got to the front of the line (about 10 minutes) before she would get in the car. I asked why she didn't get in the car before I got to the head of the line and she said that she wasn't suppose to. I said other kids were - and she said if other kids eat horse manure am I suppose to? Hmm - okay.
So I went and picked up Little R and I went back to the hospital. I inputted the hospital into the GPS and off I went. As I was passing the freeway entrance that I thought I was suppose to take, the GPS did not tell me to turn so I kept believing it and driving blindly into the sameness of Ohio.
By the time I realized that the GPS was taking me the back roads, I didn't know if it would be faster to turn around or keep going, so I kept going. In the meantime Tbaby had finished up the surgery and it was all good news. Very good news, and there was a possibility that she could come home that night, so I knew I had to get to the hospital - I was their ride.
We won't know all of it until the results come back, but it was all good, couldn't be better, and I knew my job was done.
Day 386 - November 1, 2011
Today was preop and to say the least it was very stressful. I think that it is a family trait to lash out at those we love the most when we are most stressed, but for those around it can be a little uncomfortable. I ended up taking a couple of walks just to get away from the tension (not for exercise in other words.)
The word cancer is a dirty word, it doesn't matter what kind of cancer, if someone tells you you have cancer you feel like you have been slapped in the face. And until it is gone it is something that can potentially end your life. So to live with that for a month can add a bit of stress to your life.
But children don't seem to want to acknowledge illness in their parents (I know I never did) a child is so vulnerable that they just can't accept that their parents are vulnerable as well. So when you tell your child your sick you just might get a response like "can we go to the mall tomorrow after you get back from surgery?"
So take it personally, because they need to think everything is okay. No matter what.
The word cancer is a dirty word, it doesn't matter what kind of cancer, if someone tells you you have cancer you feel like you have been slapped in the face. And until it is gone it is something that can potentially end your life. So to live with that for a month can add a bit of stress to your life.
But children don't seem to want to acknowledge illness in their parents (I know I never did) a child is so vulnerable that they just can't accept that their parents are vulnerable as well. So when you tell your child your sick you just might get a response like "can we go to the mall tomorrow after you get back from surgery?"
So take it personally, because they need to think everything is okay. No matter what.
Day 385 - October 31, 2011
So I spent the whole (and I mean whole) day traveling. I woke up at 3 am to make a 6 am flight. However, this time I didn't panic about not finding my seat belt extenders. Since I have been on a plane a little heavier I haven't had any problems with the seats or the seat belts. And I did fit. And I did eat the meal they offered, and I was hoping I would get another meal as well, but no such luck. So I went to bed hungry - and I woke up hungry, but I did make it through that day with nothing to do but read and ride planes.
I got to Tbaby's just in time for trick or treating, and I got to see the famous house that R made, it was really a show piece. And all the kids seemed to be having a great time. Even LR wanted to cut short trick or treating so he could scare people. Hmm - I don't think he is one of us - food vs fun? I think I would pick food every time.
I got to Tbaby's just in time for trick or treating, and I got to see the famous house that R made, it was really a show piece. And all the kids seemed to be having a great time. Even LR wanted to cut short trick or treating so he could scare people. Hmm - I don't think he is one of us - food vs fun? I think I would pick food every time.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Day 384 - I can I can't I won't I will
That is the constant push pull of someone who wants or tries to diet. Most heavy people who want to lose weight have this constant battle with themselves. Instant gratification vs well not instant. We struggle daily with the prejudice and the looks of disgust, but still we go home and stuff our faces, because we can't and we won't.
But for most there comes a day when you just say I will. I will for today. But for most today isn't good enough, you need five hundred of those today's to make it happen (or three hundred or one hundred) and today is harder to beat then tomorrow. Sometimes I think it goes further down to right now. Right now I won't eat that donuts, but when I did that when I was heavier, I would eventually end up eating it even if it wasn't right now.
So how many today's can a heavy person handle before it turns into tomorrow? Is there a point that you just don't like eating the way you do and you want to have that rich and creamy food again? I think that the answer is yes.
However, when we were on Optifast I didn't have that much in the way of food cravings. It was sufficient what I had and I never had to worry about anything else. As I have gotten further and further away from Optifast, and started having to think more and more of what I can and can't eat I find I drift more and more back to the old ways.
So I am going to Ohio for a few days. I decided to do the program again (just three days) and get back to what that feeling of being in control, to know exactly what I could eat and not worry about the calories. To know that I can survive on less and be satisfied. And maybe - just maybe I can get my head back completely in the game and break that plateau.
But for most there comes a day when you just say I will. I will for today. But for most today isn't good enough, you need five hundred of those today's to make it happen (or three hundred or one hundred) and today is harder to beat then tomorrow. Sometimes I think it goes further down to right now. Right now I won't eat that donuts, but when I did that when I was heavier, I would eventually end up eating it even if it wasn't right now.
So how many today's can a heavy person handle before it turns into tomorrow? Is there a point that you just don't like eating the way you do and you want to have that rich and creamy food again? I think that the answer is yes.
However, when we were on Optifast I didn't have that much in the way of food cravings. It was sufficient what I had and I never had to worry about anything else. As I have gotten further and further away from Optifast, and started having to think more and more of what I can and can't eat I find I drift more and more back to the old ways.
So I am going to Ohio for a few days. I decided to do the program again (just three days) and get back to what that feeling of being in control, to know exactly what I could eat and not worry about the calories. To know that I can survive on less and be satisfied. And maybe - just maybe I can get my head back completely in the game and break that plateau.
Day 383 - Another plateau
It seems that I just can't out of this weight range. And I am still going to bed lighter then when I am waking up. All very disheartening and frustrating. I know people always say look at what you have accomplished, but the truth is you only as good as your last victory. And I haven't won the war, the battle is still raging, so to lose a bunch of skirmishes just doesn't sit that well.
Okay enough of the war talk, but it is a war of sorts, and sometimes I just don't think I am winning it. Yes I have lost 1/2 of what I wanted to lose but I still have a long ways to go. Sometimes I think, maybe all this loose skin is misrepresenting how much I have lost, maybe I am like that guy who lost 100 pounds and had 20 pounds of loose skin removed. I tried to think back to those days when I did weigh this much did I have the stomach? I don't think so. In fact I think at this weight I could hold my gut in and I could see a difference. If I hold my gut in now I don't see any difference. Bah humbug.
Okay enough of the war talk, but it is a war of sorts, and sometimes I just don't think I am winning it. Yes I have lost 1/2 of what I wanted to lose but I still have a long ways to go. Sometimes I think, maybe all this loose skin is misrepresenting how much I have lost, maybe I am like that guy who lost 100 pounds and had 20 pounds of loose skin removed. I tried to think back to those days when I did weigh this much did I have the stomach? I don't think so. In fact I think at this weight I could hold my gut in and I could see a difference. If I hold my gut in now I don't see any difference. Bah humbug.
Day 382 - I am back for a bit at least
I finished up everything I needed to so all is well before I head out to Ohio.
T and I walked with L the other day, and we walked the bluffs. I used to love walking the bluffs, but I didn't do it because it was too hard, and I was afraid if I went down I wouldn't be able to get back up. Now I think I could do it. I mean I think I could get back up the hill now. I haven't tried because it isn't in my list of walks anymore, but I think when I get back I will do it. Make a day out of it.
T would like that too. L thinks I am a nervous Nellie, I worry about horses, people, dogs, but off leash she doesn't bother people or dogs. She is really a good dog. Her recall is immediate and unlike Tyr when I call her she comes all the way to me. Tyr would come but stay away from my reach.
Anyway, it was fun, but L's dog eats everything (I mean everything) so I kind of get grossed out when she comes around me, especially after I saw her munching down on a rotting corpse. Gross to the nth degree.
T and I walked with L the other day, and we walked the bluffs. I used to love walking the bluffs, but I didn't do it because it was too hard, and I was afraid if I went down I wouldn't be able to get back up. Now I think I could do it. I mean I think I could get back up the hill now. I haven't tried because it isn't in my list of walks anymore, but I think when I get back I will do it. Make a day out of it.
T would like that too. L thinks I am a nervous Nellie, I worry about horses, people, dogs, but off leash she doesn't bother people or dogs. She is really a good dog. Her recall is immediate and unlike Tyr when I call her she comes all the way to me. Tyr would come but stay away from my reach.
Anyway, it was fun, but L's dog eats everything (I mean everything) so I kind of get grossed out when she comes around me, especially after I saw her munching down on a rotting corpse. Gross to the nth degree.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 381 - Tidings
I have been trying to get work done so I can spend the rest of the year relaxing and concentrating on getting this last bit of weight off, but I don't feel like I am going to get everything done!!!
There comes a time when you have to just give up and say the heck with it and hope that you will have everything done by the deadline. It is all I can do. But until then these posts will have to take a back seat. Life is just not fair.
There comes a time when you have to just give up and say the heck with it and hope that you will have everything done by the deadline. It is all I can do. But until then these posts will have to take a back seat. Life is just not fair.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 380 - Locker room chit chat
So I went to the pool to swim today and when I got out there were three women changing. It was all very quiet and awkward as I tried to undress as discreetly as I could. The woman next to me started to laugh and started talking about how hard it is for some woman to change in the open like this and that is what keeps them from going swimming.
Yes lets discuss this while I am hiding under a towel.
Lady - I don't let just anyone see my rolls. But I will get undressed in a locker room if I have to. Rossmoor actually has a private dressing room, and I usually use it (they only have one.) And even when I was at the Y in Bellingham they had private dressing rooms, so I never really worried that much about changing. It certainly has kept me from going to a locker room before, but I wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit before, so it makes no difference.
I am at that awkward point where clothes will hide the bulges, but wear something form fitting and you do see the rolls, so this is really a big step for me. In a bathing suit, well not a bathing suit a bathing dress. I bought a speedo, put it on and immediately took it off. As I discussed before, you know my legs, well just the thighs, gross. So I wear a bathing dress 10 sizes to big so people won't see my legs - it is not vain if it is getting me to the pool. Ya Know.
Life can be so difficult.
Yes lets discuss this while I am hiding under a towel.
Lady - I don't let just anyone see my rolls. But I will get undressed in a locker room if I have to. Rossmoor actually has a private dressing room, and I usually use it (they only have one.) And even when I was at the Y in Bellingham they had private dressing rooms, so I never really worried that much about changing. It certainly has kept me from going to a locker room before, but I wouldn't be caught dead in a bathing suit before, so it makes no difference.
I am at that awkward point where clothes will hide the bulges, but wear something form fitting and you do see the rolls, so this is really a big step for me. In a bathing suit, well not a bathing suit a bathing dress. I bought a speedo, put it on and immediately took it off. As I discussed before, you know my legs, well just the thighs, gross. So I wear a bathing dress 10 sizes to big so people won't see my legs - it is not vain if it is getting me to the pool. Ya Know.
Life can be so difficult.
Day 379 - What happens if I gain it all back?
I haven't lost all the weight yet, but what will happen if I stop and start gaining it back? They say if you can keep the weight off for two years you can keep it off for five years. What if it takes two years to take it off. Does that count as two years or is it after you have taken it off and then you go another two years?
In the last year I have gained weight 4 weeks. Once was with the cast, where I gained 1.2 pounds, then I gained 1.7 pounds, .4 pounds and 1.5 pounds and now this week I gained .2 pounds. Two of those four weight gains were in July when Little T was here, one on my trips in August and now this last one that I really have no idea how it happened. I was hoping I would never have weight gains again. But this is reality not fantasy, so we do the best we can with what we have and hope next week it will come off. But next week I won't be there so how will I know how I am doing? When I come back will I have gained five pounds? ACK!!!!
In the last year I have gained weight 4 weeks. Once was with the cast, where I gained 1.2 pounds, then I gained 1.7 pounds, .4 pounds and 1.5 pounds and now this week I gained .2 pounds. Two of those four weight gains were in July when Little T was here, one on my trips in August and now this last one that I really have no idea how it happened. I was hoping I would never have weight gains again. But this is reality not fantasy, so we do the best we can with what we have and hope next week it will come off. But next week I won't be there so how will I know how I am doing? When I come back will I have gained five pounds? ACK!!!!
Day 378 - Jealous
I have to admit I a bit possessive of my friends, family, coworkers, dog etc... I work really hard to keep it in check and not let it show, but...that doesn't mean I am not feeling it. So when LZ started with this new swimmer, I got really jealous. I know it is what she does for a living, but she is mine, and I want her not want anyone else but me to train. You know it kind of felt like she was cheating on me or something. So I secretly watched her training her and when she lay on the deck to show her how it would look I knew I was the second child and there was no going back from that.
I am slow and big and she was fast and slim how can I compete?
On the part of being big and swimming - one of the problems I have encountered is the fatter you are the more you float, which is not a good thing for swimming. Most good swimmers have a balance between the body position and the kicking that keeps them at the right level in the water. If you are heavier that positioning is off and you ride too high in the water. So you have to adjust your position down which means that you have to reduce your kick (for me no kick is easiest) so you lose the speed that you would get from that kick. If you do kick your butt is in the air and you lose the aerodynamics of the swim. And don't get me started on the back stroke.
I am slow and big and she was fast and slim how can I compete?
On the part of being big and swimming - one of the problems I have encountered is the fatter you are the more you float, which is not a good thing for swimming. Most good swimmers have a balance between the body position and the kicking that keeps them at the right level in the water. If you are heavier that positioning is off and you ride too high in the water. So you have to adjust your position down which means that you have to reduce your kick (for me no kick is easiest) so you lose the speed that you would get from that kick. If you do kick your butt is in the air and you lose the aerodynamics of the swim. And don't get me started on the back stroke.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 377 - Wild times at the pool
So I went off to swim at Rossmoor, it was a beautiful day, but in the past even on beautiful days the pool has been pretty quiet. Not today. There must have been close to 20 kids in the pool and all the lanes were full up. I didn't know the protocol of guests and swimming so I waited until one of the lanes freed up to jump in. But during that wait a woman with a dragon tattoo on her leg jumped in and started to go. I was really surprised, I thought she wouldn't know how to swim, but I guess you really can't judge a book by its cover. It was a beautiful tattoo though.
So seeing that she seemed to know how to do it I wasn't so worried about getting in. However, those old guys don't really like to move over - hence the wait. So as the old guy got out I started to slip in and this woman who was standing around came up to me and said this lane is for my daughter. I looked at her and smiled and said sure I will share. She can have the left side (or right not sure which it was) and off I went. As I swam off I heard her sputtering away, she might have said sure you can share or ???
So the daughter came and joined me, but she didn't last too long before she got tuckered out and so I had the whole lane to myself for a minute. As I was swimming along this old man waved me down. I stopped and looked at him and he said my daughter wants to swim can you move over? Being ultra polite I said sure she can share my lane she can have the left side (or right whichever it may be) and off I went. I swam and swam on one side of the lane waiting for his daughter to show up and finally about ten minutes later she showed up. I guess he was just prepping me for the eventuality of sharing a lane.
She didn't last very long either. Soon I had the lane all to myself again (maybe people just don't like swimming with me.) I was in the middle of the second to last set when a woman from another (yes she was already swimming) stopped me and asked me why people were taking numbers. Huh? I am not sure why, I answered, but there is plenty of room in the pool, the three lanes were all open with just one swimmer. So she told me don't they share? I said I am sure they did as I had shared twice already that day. And she goes I am already sharing so why are they taking a number. I just smiled and said who knows, but I am sure it is for something else.
I finally finished my set and got out of the pool went in got dressed and came out to see the person with number one arguing with someone. She was on the deck and a person with number 4 was staring lustfully at my empty lane. Actually there were two empty lanes. Finally the woman jumped in and started swimming. There was another woman at the end of the pool and she got in and waited for the woman to get to the end. She asked if she would split the lane. The woman looked at her and said no you have to get a number you have to wait. My lane out. That is exactly how it went.
I heard the woman asking about the numbering ask the life guard why people weren't sharing the lanes. Her answer - its not my call. - If it isn't her call then whose call is it. That did kind of soured me on the pool, but it closes in a week so who cares anyway.
So seeing that she seemed to know how to do it I wasn't so worried about getting in. However, those old guys don't really like to move over - hence the wait. So as the old guy got out I started to slip in and this woman who was standing around came up to me and said this lane is for my daughter. I looked at her and smiled and said sure I will share. She can have the left side (or right not sure which it was) and off I went. As I swam off I heard her sputtering away, she might have said sure you can share or ???
So the daughter came and joined me, but she didn't last too long before she got tuckered out and so I had the whole lane to myself for a minute. As I was swimming along this old man waved me down. I stopped and looked at him and he said my daughter wants to swim can you move over? Being ultra polite I said sure she can share my lane she can have the left side (or right whichever it may be) and off I went. I swam and swam on one side of the lane waiting for his daughter to show up and finally about ten minutes later she showed up. I guess he was just prepping me for the eventuality of sharing a lane.
She didn't last very long either. Soon I had the lane all to myself again (maybe people just don't like swimming with me.) I was in the middle of the second to last set when a woman from another (yes she was already swimming) stopped me and asked me why people were taking numbers. Huh? I am not sure why, I answered, but there is plenty of room in the pool, the three lanes were all open with just one swimmer. So she told me don't they share? I said I am sure they did as I had shared twice already that day. And she goes I am already sharing so why are they taking a number. I just smiled and said who knows, but I am sure it is for something else.
I finally finished my set and got out of the pool went in got dressed and came out to see the person with number one arguing with someone. She was on the deck and a person with number 4 was staring lustfully at my empty lane. Actually there were two empty lanes. Finally the woman jumped in and started swimming. There was another woman at the end of the pool and she got in and waited for the woman to get to the end. She asked if she would split the lane. The woman looked at her and said no you have to get a number you have to wait. My lane out. That is exactly how it went.
I heard the woman asking about the numbering ask the life guard why people weren't sharing the lanes. Her answer - its not my call. - If it isn't her call then whose call is it. That did kind of soured me on the pool, but it closes in a week so who cares anyway.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Day 376 - Kayaking in the big bad bay
So we went kayaking today, and for some of us it was a bit restless night worrying whether we would fit in the kayak (oh look I never noticed it is spelled the same ways front or back.) So we were very relieved when we got there and saw that it was a "on top" kayak. However, the kayaks were parked on the beach and J and W got in theirs and they were quickly pulled into the water, but we had to get out of the kayak because we were "weren't in far enough in the water" just a nice way of saying we were to heavy to pull.
So off we went. Now I need a two person kayak so someone can tell me which way to paddle otherwise I would be in a world of hurt. As both T and now TH can testify I don't have a clue which way to paddle to go right or left. I know I know tell me once - twice - thrice I just will never get it. So the guy told us that everybody had the right of way of kayaks, so we need to stay out of everybodies way. He also said oh out yonder is the boat freeway so I would stay out of there. Huh?
So fearing for my life before we even started I thought we could paddle around the lagoon, but TH had other ideas so off we went into the big bad world. J and W soon took the lead and to me they were getting awful close to that freeway, but TH informed me that they were no where close to the the freeway. About halfway out I thought we should practice going back, fearing that the current would make it really hard to come back, but TH thought I was crazy. Then every time I saw a boat no matter how far out I would squeal and tell TH we HAD TO STOP!!! Soon they were no longer boats to me but speeding cars and I was this poor pedestrian who had on roller skates and didn't know how to stop.
Then there were the sea lions and otters. We got to see them up close and personal. I was in heaven. How often do you get to see an otter swim right by you? But then my worries started to take over again. We were told we had to stay 50 feet from the sea lions - some kind of wall - I don't know, so I thought that maybe we should go out a little further even if it did put us in the middle of the freeway. I have no idea how much 50 feet is, but I think we were closer then 50 feet, but the sea lions did not show any signs of moving, so if we were it was okay with them and I guess that is all that matters.
This nervous Nellie had a great time, would do it again in a heart beat, in fact maybe I will take lessons.
So off we went. Now I need a two person kayak so someone can tell me which way to paddle otherwise I would be in a world of hurt. As both T and now TH can testify I don't have a clue which way to paddle to go right or left. I know I know tell me once - twice - thrice I just will never get it. So the guy told us that everybody had the right of way of kayaks, so we need to stay out of everybodies way. He also said oh out yonder is the boat freeway so I would stay out of there. Huh?
So fearing for my life before we even started I thought we could paddle around the lagoon, but TH had other ideas so off we went into the big bad world. J and W soon took the lead and to me they were getting awful close to that freeway, but TH informed me that they were no where close to the the freeway. About halfway out I thought we should practice going back, fearing that the current would make it really hard to come back, but TH thought I was crazy. Then every time I saw a boat no matter how far out I would squeal and tell TH we HAD TO STOP!!! Soon they were no longer boats to me but speeding cars and I was this poor pedestrian who had on roller skates and didn't know how to stop.
Then there were the sea lions and otters. We got to see them up close and personal. I was in heaven. How often do you get to see an otter swim right by you? But then my worries started to take over again. We were told we had to stay 50 feet from the sea lions - some kind of wall - I don't know, so I thought that maybe we should go out a little further even if it did put us in the middle of the freeway. I have no idea how much 50 feet is, but I think we were closer then 50 feet, but the sea lions did not show any signs of moving, so if we were it was okay with them and I guess that is all that matters.
This nervous Nellie had a great time, would do it again in a heart beat, in fact maybe I will take lessons.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Day 375 - I am so judgmental
So I am the slowest swimmer in the pool on most days. Unless of course if I go to Rossmoor, then I am the fastest, because usually I am the only one in the pool. But today I went to Brisbane, and I got my own lane, and I was swimming merrily along. As the day progressed more and more people started coming, and suddenly I had a lane mate. I looked up to see who it was, and it was a fairly large woman, much like me, maybe a little larger, and I thought oh she won't be faster then me.
When she lapped me for the second time, I had to put away all my prejudices. I guess large women can swim fast. Well faster then me. Big sigh. She had good form, and she seemed really comfortable in the water, she was just large, which made me automatically think she would be slow. Slow like me. I don't want people to look at me and say she's big so she must be slow. And if they think that I want to blow them away with how fast I really am. But I am not that fast now. I guess I want to be her.
But I also don't have a clue about how heavy or light people are. In group we had to put our weight down and how much we wanted to weight by the end of twelve weeks, and I glanced over to the woman sitting next to me I was shocked to see she was 20 pounds lighter then I was. I would have sworn she was heavier, at least in my mind she looked heavier then me. But then I have to think were I am coming from. I have no idea what I look like. Sometimes I think I am heavier then I am sometimes I think I am lighter then I am. I found myself looking at buying airplane seat belt extenders because I couldn't find mine, I know intellectually that I don't need them, but I worry about getting on a plane without them. Just in case I don't fit...
When she lapped me for the second time, I had to put away all my prejudices. I guess large women can swim fast. Well faster then me. Big sigh. She had good form, and she seemed really comfortable in the water, she was just large, which made me automatically think she would be slow. Slow like me. I don't want people to look at me and say she's big so she must be slow. And if they think that I want to blow them away with how fast I really am. But I am not that fast now. I guess I want to be her.
But I also don't have a clue about how heavy or light people are. In group we had to put our weight down and how much we wanted to weight by the end of twelve weeks, and I glanced over to the woman sitting next to me I was shocked to see she was 20 pounds lighter then I was. I would have sworn she was heavier, at least in my mind she looked heavier then me. But then I have to think were I am coming from. I have no idea what I look like. Sometimes I think I am heavier then I am sometimes I think I am lighter then I am. I found myself looking at buying airplane seat belt extenders because I couldn't find mine, I know intellectually that I don't need them, but I worry about getting on a plane without them. Just in case I don't fit...
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Day 374 - LZ
LZ has been working with me on my swimming now for five weeks (four weeks swimming) and I haven't been showing much improvement. I really thought I would be a lot faster by now. I mean really how hard is it to get in shape? Am I always going to be so slow? Don't you think I would see some improvement by now?
I still can't do an hour workout in an hour. This saddens me. I want to be better, but I just can't seem to do it. Where is the improvement? Wheres the beef?
LZ is a really good trainer though. I know she knows I am struggling, but she just keeps plugging along. Yesterday she said that she would work more on the aerobic with me as I don't seem to be able to work myself as hard as I do with her.
She wants me to get my stroke rate down to 20, I did 23 for the first lap, then I ended up doing 30 for the rest. Big difference. Oh well.
I was going to go swimming today, but I didn't. Oh well.
I still can't do an hour workout in an hour. This saddens me. I want to be better, but I just can't seem to do it. Where is the improvement? Wheres the beef?
LZ is a really good trainer though. I know she knows I am struggling, but she just keeps plugging along. Yesterday she said that she would work more on the aerobic with me as I don't seem to be able to work myself as hard as I do with her.
She wants me to get my stroke rate down to 20, I did 23 for the first lap, then I ended up doing 30 for the rest. Big difference. Oh well.
I was going to go swimming today, but I didn't. Oh well.
Day 373 - New Clothes
J gave me a bunch of new clothes, and I have been having so much fun putting them on and admiring myself in the mirror. Then there are those that are just a tad to small, and I calculate how much weight I will need to lose to fit into them. And then there are those that you don't think you would look good in, but when you put it on it actually surprises you, and you wonder why haven't I ever tried that before?
Clothes have always been my downfall. Always looking for that something that makes you look better then you are. People think they can change their looks with makeup - hair styles - clothes. And if you look at some of the models out there you know that is definitely the case. Unfortunately that is not the case for me. But that doesn't stop me from be a clothes horse - neigh.
Clothes have always been my downfall. Always looking for that something that makes you look better then you are. People think they can change their looks with makeup - hair styles - clothes. And if you look at some of the models out there you know that is definitely the case. Unfortunately that is not the case for me. But that doesn't stop me from be a clothes horse - neigh.
Day 372 - Group
So I got to group and when I walked in there was only one other person sitting there. I have always said that I was going to be the only person at the table by the end of the 82 weeks, and it almost happened. People eventually came in, but still...
And it was one of those days that I just wanted to strangle the facilitator. She wanted us to make a plan for the next twelve weeks because this is a bad time and people normally gain about 10 pounds during this season. So she wanted us to make a plan so we minimized the gain. When someone said that they were planning on losing she said oh well how are you going to do that? - Huh?
We have spent an entire year learning to plan. We plan our daily meals we plan our special meals, this is what they taught us. This is how they told us we could keep it off. Now she is saying no matter how much planning we have to what plan more? That we are at risk because of the holiday season and we are going to spend the next 12 weeks bingeing? By my count there is thanksgiving, Christmas and Christmas eve. Holiday parties are no different then any other party one goes to over the year. Pick and choose if it is going to be hard at the party, but really people don't pay any attention to what you are or are not eating at the party. And if you are uncomfortable, walk around with a piece of food on your plate. Very few people care if your eating especially in a large group.
Enough with the "most people gain 10 pounds" don't you know we are just looking for an excuse?
And it was one of those days that I just wanted to strangle the facilitator. She wanted us to make a plan for the next twelve weeks because this is a bad time and people normally gain about 10 pounds during this season. So she wanted us to make a plan so we minimized the gain. When someone said that they were planning on losing she said oh well how are you going to do that? - Huh?
We have spent an entire year learning to plan. We plan our daily meals we plan our special meals, this is what they taught us. This is how they told us we could keep it off. Now she is saying no matter how much planning we have to what plan more? That we are at risk because of the holiday season and we are going to spend the next 12 weeks bingeing? By my count there is thanksgiving, Christmas and Christmas eve. Holiday parties are no different then any other party one goes to over the year. Pick and choose if it is going to be hard at the party, but really people don't pay any attention to what you are or are not eating at the party. And if you are uncomfortable, walk around with a piece of food on your plate. Very few people care if your eating especially in a large group.
Enough with the "most people gain 10 pounds" don't you know we are just looking for an excuse?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Day 371 - My you have lost a lot of weight
I was told by a total stranger wow you have lost a lot of weight. The way this stranger figured it out was when I went for my mammography and the nurse who signed me in actually compared my drivers license picture to me.
I looked at her and asked if she thought it was obvious? Of course - you lost a lot of weight.
So she asked if I did it through weight watchers, and I told her I did it through Kaisers program, and she said - huh what program?
It is interesting that most Kaiser employees don't actually know about it. My doctor actually asked me how it worked. I guess it is hard to keep track of all the programs that they have, but everyone seems to know about surgery and what not. You would think that the doctors would be referring their heavier patients to this program. It probably makes money for them, and increase the health of the patient right? Win-win. But then you get their nutritionalist and they say bad program - bad.
Yea as my niece would say.
I looked at her and asked if she thought it was obvious? Of course - you lost a lot of weight.
So she asked if I did it through weight watchers, and I told her I did it through Kaisers program, and she said - huh what program?
It is interesting that most Kaiser employees don't actually know about it. My doctor actually asked me how it worked. I guess it is hard to keep track of all the programs that they have, but everyone seems to know about surgery and what not. You would think that the doctors would be referring their heavier patients to this program. It probably makes money for them, and increase the health of the patient right? Win-win. But then you get their nutritionalist and they say bad program - bad.
Yea as my niece would say.
Day 370 - face down (or up) in the brier patch
So T and I were kicking back watching TV, TH was out enjoying the stars, and all was good with the world.
Suddenly at 8pm I hear this pounding on the front door then the doorbell rings. Let TH get it, I don't like answering the door at night, and T just continued to lay there so I continued to watch TV. The the ringing got more and more frantic. I was like where is TH - maybe it is the cops- maybe it was someone from the Clockwork Orange (Alex perhaps) I am not about to answer the door. So I start calling for TH. Then the door starts to really bang, and I am like oh ****, so I peek out the window and there TH is standing with a cloud of fury over his head.
I open the door and he starts screaming at me for leaving him out there? Huh? He had to have gotten out there somehow, so if he got out he could obviously get back in right? I started cringing at his screams and T went hiding, so calmly I say what is wrong.
I have been calling you for 30 minutes didn't you hear me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and you didn't come to help me.
What? I didn't hear anything. What happened?
I fell into the brier patch on my back and I couldn't get up. Look at me I have scratches all over my body.
Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.
I screamed and screamed and I was laying on my back like a turtle and I couldn't move and you didn't come help me.
Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.
I screamed and screamed, and I even thought about shooting off the gun, you had to have heard me.
Oh- sorry, I didn't hear you.
Just look at me - I thought I was going to roll down the hill and be lost in the mire forever. Why didn't you help me.
Oh-sorry I didn't hear you.
I could have been bitten by a snake. You had to have heard me.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
When would you have come looking for me. I mean I was gone for like an hour. I was screaming for help until I was hoarse.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I can't believe you didn't hear me. I was out there for hours. When were you going to come looking for me? In the morning?
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I was looking at somethings eyes when I fell. I could have been eaten by a mountain lion or bear. I yelled and yelled for you, why didn't you help me?
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I was like out there for two hours, when where you going to come and look for me.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
So ended a most uneventful day.
Suddenly at 8pm I hear this pounding on the front door then the doorbell rings. Let TH get it, I don't like answering the door at night, and T just continued to lay there so I continued to watch TV. The the ringing got more and more frantic. I was like where is TH - maybe it is the cops- maybe it was someone from the Clockwork Orange (Alex perhaps) I am not about to answer the door. So I start calling for TH. Then the door starts to really bang, and I am like oh ****, so I peek out the window and there TH is standing with a cloud of fury over his head.
I open the door and he starts screaming at me for leaving him out there? Huh? He had to have gotten out there somehow, so if he got out he could obviously get back in right? I started cringing at his screams and T went hiding, so calmly I say what is wrong.
I have been calling you for 30 minutes didn't you hear me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and you didn't come to help me.
What? I didn't hear anything. What happened?
I fell into the brier patch on my back and I couldn't get up. Look at me I have scratches all over my body.
Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.
I screamed and screamed and I was laying on my back like a turtle and I couldn't move and you didn't come help me.
Oh - sorry, I didn't hear you.
I screamed and screamed, and I even thought about shooting off the gun, you had to have heard me.
Oh- sorry, I didn't hear you.
Just look at me - I thought I was going to roll down the hill and be lost in the mire forever. Why didn't you help me.
Oh-sorry I didn't hear you.
I could have been bitten by a snake. You had to have heard me.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
When would you have come looking for me. I mean I was gone for like an hour. I was screaming for help until I was hoarse.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I can't believe you didn't hear me. I was out there for hours. When were you going to come looking for me? In the morning?
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I was looking at somethings eyes when I fell. I could have been eaten by a mountain lion or bear. I yelled and yelled for you, why didn't you help me?
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
I was like out there for two hours, when where you going to come and look for me.
Oh - sorry I didn't hear you.
So ended a most uneventful day.
Day 369-Oops where does the time go
Sometimes the days slip by and you really have nothing to say. We went to GV over the weekend and the time there is always relaxing and enjoyable, but it is not best for the diet. I didn't have my TFD so I was left on my own to figure out what to eat. Not so easy when you have to plan your own meals.
I bought a salad from the grocery store, and was looking forward to it. 260 calories, perfect and yummy, but luckily I checked the serving size before I chowed down on it. 2.5 servings. Jeez for me it was a single serving. If I couldn't eat the whole thing I wasn't going to eat any of it. So that is how the weekend started.
I bought a salad from the grocery store, and was looking forward to it. 260 calories, perfect and yummy, but luckily I checked the serving size before I chowed down on it. 2.5 servings. Jeez for me it was a single serving. If I couldn't eat the whole thing I wasn't going to eat any of it. So that is how the weekend started.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 368 - In my mind
Life doesn't always turn out the way that you want it to, and usually it is the tiny failures that have lasting impact on you, for the most part. My tiny failure was swimming.
When I was young I wanted to do everything my brother did and I wanted to be as good as he was in everything I did that he did. One of the things he did really well was swimming, so when we moved to Delhi the first thing I wanted to do was join the swim team that he was on.
So when I asked if I could join the team the coach told me I had to swim four laps without stopping before they would consider it. I can do that I said, and the coach looked at me and said I am sure you can with practice. I was eight years old, and I don't know if I had ever swum one lap let alone four, but I wanted to join right then so I said I can do it right now watch.
I swam the four laps, and true to their word I was allowed to join the team. I worked hard, my brother was always in the fastest lane, and I was swimming with the babies, I wanted to be next to him at least, so I worked hard. (There were other perks to swimming with him, we would always take a scooter to practice and come home together, and I had all that time alone with him. He was my favorite person in the whole world and swimming was the one thing we had in common, the one thing that bonded us together.)
So I did work very hard, and I began to excel at it. My brother was a backstroker so I too became a backstroker. Soon I was breaking records, and then I realized I really was a good swimmer, maybe I was even better then he was. And as I continued to swim I found that I didn't really care so much about impressing him, I really liked winning, and I liked being better then every one else.
But I was young and the papers weren't as impressed with my national records as they were with cute little LB. The bane of my existence. She was 4 years older then me and she too won all her races and she was the media (at least for swimming) little darling. Bah...
(to be continued)
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