Day 202 - Repeating myself

Let us hope that I am not repeating myself to much.  To have something new to say everyday is not possible in my opinion, and after a while it probably becomes painful for those who so diligently read this blog for my sake.

This is my journey of weight loss, but like any journey it is not always (in my case seldom) filled with adventures. You need to venture out into the world in order to have adventures, and I don't do that enough.  And even when I do venture into the world, very seldom does something interesting happens.  Oh well.

Yesterday there was no adventure; however, T and I did go for a walk.  We went around the lake and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, furthermore, it took 91 minutes whereas before the accident I did it in 81 minutes and if I pushed about 75 minutes.  But I was walking as fast as was comfortable.  The foot ached a little in the beginning, but afterward it was more my knees that hurt then my foot.  Back to the Gloucosamine (sp?).

My foot did itch like crazy when I got done, and I couldn't warm up afterward, but other than that I had no problems.

Today it is almost noon, and I have a pile of work to do, but I just can't get motivated, and not getting it done is stressing me.  Maybe I should try a little?  Oh well...

Day 201 - I am not

I am curious how my eating habits have changed over the last 200 days and whether or not that change is permanent

So I tried to go back to weight watchers and see what I had tracked for food before I started this diet, but it only goes back two months so I can't go back.  But I do remember some of the things I ate.

I remember when I wanted something light to eat I would fix myself a couple grill cheese sandwiches.  Now I realize that those two grilled cheese sandwiches were at least 1000 calories - and I am now allowed about 1200-1400 per day so... If I only ate the grilled cheese I would be pretty close to the max calories

Those grilled cheese were not the only thing I ate, but it felt lighter then having a Quarter Pounder with cheese and french fries which was my staple.  I was asking TH if he thought instead of getting tired of a food that you would start to like it if you ate it all the time.  Food in point, on TFD I have chicken 7 days a week, and at least 5 days it is my main dinner.  Chicken breasts are boring and fairly tasteless, but after three months - I am beginning to actual look forward to my chicken.  I will see if I can find something that has what I ate before and after (I won't give you my weight, but I will give you an idea of what I ate if I can find it.)

Well all the writing about food has me ready for dinner.   

Day 200 - Can you believe it?

I don't think I have ever dieted for 200 days, but the nice thing about this program is it is one day at a time.  I didn't start out thinking oh I have to diet for two years to lose the weight, I started out thinking how am I going to just drink liquids for the first week.  So 200 days later...

To have weight loss surgery they tell you to lose 10% or 50 pounds or some such thing, and I always thought if you lose 10% why wouldn't you just continue on?  I know my SIL looked into the surgery and they wouldn't give it to her because she didn't lose enough - though according to her they wanted her to lose 50 pounds.  Again, if you are going to lose 50 pounds without your insides rewired why not just continue on?  It is that initial weight loss that is the hardest.  Trying to figure out what you can eat to lose the weight.  Once you have that figured out it should be easier, easy for me to say since I still don't know what to eat - I have to have the food delivered.

But I was on a weight loss forum and I love reading how much they lost, and I also like looking at the before and after pictures.  I am leaving the most interesting part out of this blog  - I know.   One person even did a little graph.  However, most of those people that lost huge amounts of weight were much younger.    Oh to be young again.

It appears that I once again am at a plateau, but I am going to break it I am.

Day 199 - Write about someone I don't know

For graduation I am suppose to write about some and talk about their journey, but I hardly have talked with them and I really don't know them.  So I make up something generic and hope it sounds personal?  Argh!!!

So again we had about 11 people at group last night and they we had an a facilitator the drove me up the wall.  She wanted us to go around and talk about what was working and what wasn't working.  So everybody this week except for J gained weight.  She was talking about how obsessive she is planning her meals for the week and cooking them on Sunday, I feel a kindred spirit.

When I spoke, I gave my nervous laugh (which nobody else does) and jumped in.  I told them about the TFD and then facilitator said how am going to afford that?  You know I found that a bit offensive.  I spent about the same amount of money for the program so I don't think that is really an appropriate question.  Bah humbug. 

Day 198 - I am so broken

I determined that I don't know when I am hungry, but I also don't really know if I am full unless I am too full.  I realize that those surgeries that will make your stomach smaller, or pills that will suppress your appetite would never work on me since I don't have the same hunger cues as everyone else and I don't seem to have the full cues either.

On Optifast I was never hungry and I was never full.  I didn't have the problem that others had in the beginning where they were starving, but I don't really feel my stomach has shrunk.  I was afraid to eat when we started to eat, now I am afraid to eat because I worry that I will eat to much.

When did this happen?  Have I always not had hunger/full cues?  Is there some chemical that I am missing?  Am I having them and I just don't recognize them?  Or maybe I am just never hungry?  I sit here thinking about being hungry and I suddenly think I am very hungry, but I just had a big cup of tea and an egg bake - so I don't think I should be hungry.  Maybe I should be full?

Who knows if I don't?

Day 197 - It is not my fault that I am this way

As I have been losing weight I look back at my mental conversations and  sometimes wonder what was I thinking?  I have very little patience for people who blame everything on their parents, siblings, teachers, family dog, fish, cat, you get the picture.  

I will never say forget the wrongs or injustices done to you, just don't blame those wrongs and injustices on your current problems.  But when you are overweight you don't want to blame yourself for the problem, there is always an external problem.

So I had a friend who was overweight and they would always tell me that it is impossible to lose weight once it is gained.  That she was always going to be heavy no matter what she did.  That resonated and when I started gaining weight I always heard her at the back of my head saying if it goes on it will never come off.  I tried a number of times to take it off, doing different types of diets, but never succeeding for any length of time.  TH always told me I didn't have any "won't" power, and that used to just tick me off.  So I couldn't say no according to TH and according to L I couldn't take it off once it was on - so what is a girl to do.  Blame them because they told me I couldn't do it?

No this is all on me - and while I wish there was a magic solution to this problem it is a slow ponderous process, so I plug on - hoping I won't use them as an excuse to fail

Day 196 - Easter

So I have a plan for the day in which I have double the calories at lunch then I normally do.  With TH's cooking I am probably underestimating the calories, but I am going to give it the old college try.  For breakfast and dinner I am having Optifast and for snacks fruit, so cross your fingers and hope I can do it today.

I bought clothes that were two sizes too small, and when they came I could get into them, but the pants felt uncomfortable.  I do realize that I have only been wearing stretchy pants for the last 12 years, so I am not sure how none stretchy pants are suppose to feel, but I do think they are too tight.  It would have been nice to wear for easter as it was a very Eastery outfit, but I just couldn't bear it being tight, so back to the closet it went.  I am still wearing the same clothes that I wore seven months ago, I think that I am the only person in group who hasn't gone out and bought a new wardrobe.  But I have bought new shoes, in fact I have bought maybe 25 pairs of new shoes, hunting for that perfect fit.

B kept saying even your fingers are skinnier, I can't believe how skinny your fingers are - well my fingers are not skinny and I have at least another 40 pounds before I can fit into my rings.  But that too is coming.  People never think about jewelry when they think about losing weight, but were as most are trying on old smaller size clothes, I am trying on older more exotic jewelery.  Hah!!!  I know what is important when it comes to losing weight, putting on that diamond ring my fingers got to fat for!!!  

Day 195- What to eat What to eat part II - Indian

So yesterday I struggled with what to eat and when I should be eating it, but today I had Indian food.  I love  Indian food, it is my favorite of all food and I wish I could eat it all the time.  But I have control issues with it, and I have yet to eat an Indian meal where I didn't hurt after I was done.

So this time I ordered two main courses rice and bread.  It is the bread that gets me, I can't eat just one.  I was so proud of myself, I usually order three of four main courses, appetizers and bread, so I did really good on the ordering, and I also picked curries that were lower in calories.  Proud day for me.

So when the meal came I had this romantic idea of T and I sitting across from each other eating real food and having a real dinner together...life just doesn't happen how you plan it.  I guess after 7 months people get into the habit of not eating together even when they can.  Not to complain to much he was working on my stuff so...

Eating is very social, and this diet has taken the social aspect out of it.  It is actually a part that I miss.  There is something intimate about eating together that people don't remember.  We as a society eat all the time that we grow immune to the intimacy of sharing food.

So I again didn't have breakfast - I guess it is easy to fall back into bad habits, and I had schedule myself only to eat one chapatti, and instead I had one and a half, but I gave up a snack so I still ended up under 1200 calories, though I have to say I felt very guilty about eating the other half of the chapati.

Oh give me my delivery food again - please.

Day 194 - What to eat what to eat

So I don't have the delivery of food for the next couple of days, but I thought that I could handle it.  I find that I keep changing my meals as the mood takes me.  I had thought I was going to have something for dinner, and it didn't happen so I was left to my own devices as to what to eat and what not to eat.  Very dangerous.

First of all I didn't have breakfast, then I didn't eat lunch until three and by that time I had to make up for all those calories and yet not go over.  It was very very hard.  I really am not ready to eat on my own yet.  I know that eventually I am going to have to make choices on my own, but at this time I really am not very good at it.

So even with all these false starts I ended the day with 1249 calories - good for me!!!

Day 193 - Third goal

I am getting close to the third goal and I have my fourth goal set.  The fourth goal will be 25 pounds from my third goal, and when I hit that I am going to start swimming again.  Just finding a pool in SF will be trying, and I don't handle new situations well, but once I find the pool and go a couple of times I will be fine.

It is funny, I probably never would have gotten into a swim suit at that weight, but because I have been so large I began to think if only I was ... then I would do this and that - and I wouldn't care.   So now I just will deal with it, and I really do want to swim.

I talked to TH and asked him if I should get a new drivers license (actually I asked when should I get a new drivers license) and he asked when it expired.  I said in 2013, and he said that I should get a new one in 2013.  But...what about traveling?  And he said oh you look just the same there will be no problem - heck I should have been in the water a long time ago if that was the case.

Day 192 - Group

We were back yesterday after a week hiatus, and we only had about a third of the group, the rest were celebrating holidays.

So we had our different facilitator (she subbed once before) and I have to say I didn't really like her the second time around.  Though she did have some interesting things to say. 

I guess they have monthly meetings to discuss the program and the outcomes, and she said that they have determined that those who are successful in the program are those who verbally participate in the group sessions.

I don't participate that much, and I know three other people who don't verbally participate that much and they are the ones who have been the most dedicated to the program, so I think they need to go back to the drawing board on that one. 

In fact the most verbal in the groups are the ones who have "cheated" the most.  They are the ones who haven't been coming on a regular basis, and they are the ones who have had "binges" whereas us silent ones just sit and listen to their stories.

Maybe she was just trying to get people to participate.  Who knows.
   

Day 191 - First "long" walk

Well I went for a walk yesterday with T to GG and it was pleasant through the first half, but the second half I was in a little pain.  As most everyone knows going uphill is much easier on ones knees then going downhill especially with 110 pound dog pulling you.

So we ended up going four miles in 75 minutes, a little slower then I would like, but what can I say - I tried.  I don't think I am ever going to get to the 4 miles an hour mark, and in group I hear about people going four miles an hour and I get a little jealous.  But they are doing it on a treadmill - is it easier to go faster on a treadmill?

So I thought it would be my foot that hurt, but it is my knees that have been hurting.  I am wondering - maybe I do have bad knees, that would be horrible.  After watching Big D go through her knee surgery, I don't ever want to have it.  It might be too late, being as heavy as I am I might have screwed up my knees forever.  Dang.

My foot is still a bit stiff, but I have been stretching it out and the swimming helped I think.  It still doesn't seem to have the full range of motion as my other foot, but maybe that is just perception.

Oh well I will just have to walk it out.

Day 190 - Catching up

I kind of fell behind on the post, I have a paper cut on my finger and it hurts to write.  But now this should catch me up with the full 190 days of dieting.

I don't want to get to many people to excited, but we are getting close to bicycle time.  I will have TH go and have the bikes tuned up since we haven't ridden them since 1998, and then maybe for old times sake we will go to Dublin and ride the quarter mile a couple 10 times.  For old times sake.

I am not quite there yet, but close folks, close.

Tomorrow client - group and ... I hope that I lost something this week.

Cheers

Day 189 - 27 weeks

It has been 27 weeks since I started this journey, just a little over half a year.  Amazing.  Amazing how far I have come amazing how far I have to go.  Am I changed?  No.  I am fearful of eating certain things because I am afraid that I won't stop.  I am not ready to eat some items, like sweets, but I don't really want sweets that much anymore.

I haven't "fallen" off the diet in 27 weeks.  Not once.  Now that I can eat regular food I keep the calories at the level that I am told to, and I don't eat more then I am allotted.  Discipline - maybe, but more compulsion, you know like a vampire, I can't break it even if I give myself permission to.

I have given myself permission to eat a special meal for Big D's birthday, and I am looking forward to it, but I am not sure what will happen what that day comes.

I have thought about doing the liquid part again, but I am afraid I won't be able to do it a second time.  It is easier when you are doing then when you are thinking about doing it again.  I just don't think that I can do it again.

I keep saying I am going to eat "that" (whatever that may be) when I get off the diet, and I know that is the wrong thing to say, but at times it keeps me going.  What I am planning when I go off my diet - Indian food of course.  I can't wait.  

Day 188-Trip home

I planned on coming home on Monday, but then I decided I wanted to go to the casino on Monday so I came home on Sunday instead.  I didn't swim, but I got a pleasant surprise when TH showed up for a walk.

T is a big swimmer now and I have a hard time keeping her out of the pool.  She has shed hundreds of pounds of hair since partaking in the pool and on Sunday I just couldn't bear the thought of driving home with a wet dog, so we didn't swim.

I left all my work up in the house, didn't really think I wanted to lug it in and out, so that was the work I was planning on doing.

Well I suppose I should get on my clients and get a second batch of work over so I can get started.  But it was fun playing these last couple of days.

Day 187 - I am a plowhorse

I have known this for a very long time, but sometimes you just forget, I am a plow horse.  I have always been a plow horse, but have tried a few times to be a race horse, but I just can't do it. 

I can walk miles and miles no worries no hurries, and my major complaint is general fatigue and maybe torn up toes.  I can ride a bike for miles and miles as long as I don't have to go up any hills.  I can do the ellipitcal stationary bike and swim for extended periods of time just as long as I don't a. - get out of breath and b. - have muscle aches. 

This mental attitude has never served me well as an athelete.  I am the first to complain if I hurt or am out of breath.  I am the first one to stop and whine and I will be the first to cut it short.  I basically don't like pain of any kind and I hate being out of breath. 

So today I did the ellipitcal, a diffrent program, and it didn't hurt but it made me tired, but that was okay, but I didn't do 140 strides per minute and I didn't keep my pulse over 120.  But I was satisfied, so I went in to do my swim.  I decided that I was making it to easy so I upped the current (I doubled it) and I had muscle ache.  My 30 minute swim turned n 10 minute swim then into the hottub wondering why I am doing this. 

As I write this my arms still hurt, so this is all you get.

Day 186 - I wasn't going to worry about it...

I don't have a scale up here that I know, so if I just take what the scale says I have gained three pounds.  I really don't want to believe the scale.  The only way that would happen is if I have been eating and not knowing it.  Could it happen?  Maybe, but I doubt it.  The only food in the house is what I brought up and I don't seem to be missing anything.

So I have been on this pickle kick.  Maybe the sodium in the pickles is making me retain water.  Oh I just don't know.  But pickles are my new best friend.

So I didn't swim yesterday, the snow and all, but I did do the ellipitcal.  The one up here is different then the one in the city, it tells me to peddle harder.  So I was trying to do what it said (it wanted me to be doing 140 strides per minute, but I could only get up to 130-136.)  I was planning on doing 30 minutes, but after the 5 minutes of warmup and then I just crashed after 10 minutes.  It was the first time in a very long time that my legs felt rubbery.  But I did want to get in a 1/2 hour, so I did another program that didn't whine at me about the strides, but...

The stupid program that I chose for the second try was one that increased the ramp and resistance.  While on the first program I couldn't get my legs to go around that fast, on the second program I - for the first time in about 12 years- actually got my heartbeat over 120.   So I was in the zone for 19 minutes (including the warm down.) 

I have been doing weight loss exercise, not aerobic, which is easy for me, just keep moving keeping the heart rate at bout 105-110 (which is actually high for me as my resting heart rate is between 55-59) so over 120 was very exciting, however, I am not sure I want to do it again any time soon.  (I know wuss.)

Well I finished the third project, so now I can start on the fourth.  Off to work I go.

Day 185 - Worker bees

Today was filled with workers, chopping down trees fixing alarm systems and big cranes.  I was woken up at 7:00 with T barking like crazy, and T never barks at humans so I wasn't sure what was going on, but then I heard it and I knew we had company.  I threw on some clothes just in time to get the door, and when he saw me he had a hard time not laughing - yes I had bed hair.

He asked that I move the car and by the time I got out there I had 20 young men lounging around waiting for me to back the car in front of the other car.  As T2 and all the S kids know I am not the best backer or parrallel parker, but I did my best.  They were snickering after my third try, and after the fifth try they were all yelling at me to watch out for the wall.  I stuck out my head and told them if any of them were taking video camera of me they weren't going to get paid. 

Ha Ha.  Anyway I got my swim in, but no ellitipcal, but I finally finished the second project on to the third.

Day 184 - Swimming and working

I have made a promise that I would complete at least three projects up here.  So I was going to work as late as I needed to complete the task at hand, luckily I finished at 6 and was able to get the ellipitcal in before I headed to bed.

It is quiet and not much going on.   Swam for half an hour, I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it, but I pulled it out.  So this is the second day in a row that I have swum.  I think that the water is getting warmer and it was more like swimming through a swamp then anything else, but getting out it was definitely cold.

T is enjoying the quiet, though she looks a little sad, and I think she would really rather be walking. 

Wouldn't we all.

Day 183 - GV

Well T and I made it up to GV in one piece even though I did get kind of sleepy about half way up.  The movement of the car always makes me sleepy and if I don't have someone talking with me I just kind of get caught up in the movement. 

So part of this trip was to start swimming, so I decided that I would swim the first day even though I usually am to tired to do anything after the drive, but I was determined to swim so after I brought all my stuff in I went out to the pool to do what I had promised myself I was going to do.  So the first little hiccup was I had no chlorine.  I am pretty compulsive about clean pools as it was a pool in India that gave me a staff infection. 

At the time I didn't have a clue how dangerous staff infections could be, and I can just imagine how my mom and dad were reacting when the infection went into the other leg and my arm.  I do remember that I was totally grossed out by it though.

Oh I digress again.  So I couldn't find chlorine, but I did find shock treament, so I used that instead.  I couldn't bring myself to retest because if I did I probably wouldn't have gone in.

So I started to swim and T sat down on the deck beside the pool and during the whole swim she was on high alert, which totally freaked me out.  She would be sitting there watching and then she would go stiff, I had this vision of some mass murderer hanging out in our woods just waiting...

I am writing this so obviously no mass murderer probably just a little mountain lion no biggy...

 

Day 182 - Birthday

TH's birthday was quiet and uneventful.  We had cake (TH carrot T "diet cheesecake") and opened presents.  I was already to adjust my food to go out with TH so he could have a "real" birthday dinner, but he insisted that he didn't want to.  I am sure he was just thinking of me.

So now it still stand that my first real meal will be at big D birthday.  I keep going to the restaurants website to decided what I will have, but ultimately it will be a decision made on the spur of the moment I am sure.

So I spent all of Saturday preparing to go up to GV.  It took literally all day to back up the files I wanted and pack up.  You would think I was coming up for a month instead of a week.  Oh well.

Lets just hope I can get some work done.

Day 181-Working that foot

Yesterday T and I went for a walk, and I decided to do the first walk we did when I first started training for the MS Walk.  I started out looking for somewhere flat that didn't have that many dogs around, so I decided to drive down to the beach and walk on the streets rather then the beach.  Everyone is at the beach so it was perfect to start out with.  The streets are alphabetical and so I started at Y and the first walk we did I think I went to T.  That was about 1/2 a mile and it was all my knee and back could handle.

Yesterday we went to M which was a three mile round trip and my knee did hurt a little, and I was limping a little, but when I got home my foot wasn't swollen so that is a step in the right direction.  I did want to keep walking, but I am trying to do it slowly as not to have other injuries, but I definitely wasn't aerobic.  I guess I will have to find other ways to be aerobic.

Today is TH's birthday.  I am hoping he will have a good one, and tomorrow I am off to GV.  I will miss my home, but am looking forward to swim therapy.

Day 180 - Fun day yesterday

Yesterday I went over to WC to a movie and tea.  It was so nice to have girl talk- I miss that.  Boys just don't know how to talk, and they really take everything way to seriously.

So we saw Source Code, and it was a perfect movie for me hitting all my obsessiveness of death and time travel.    A definite see if you those are the things you like to think about.

It hailed and snowed, but when I got to the bay bridge it was beautiful and sunny - go figure.

Day 179 - The walk

Well I walked for the first time in two months (without the boot) and I had planned on doing (T has her head on the key board trying to get my breakfast this is very annoying) an hour, but I decided that even the slightest twinge I would stop.

Well I got out of the car and I was limping.  It was most disconcerting, because (now she is stuck between my chair and desk and is whining because she can't move) I hadn't expected to have any pain let alone a limp.  So I decided that I was going to walk at least a half hour limp or not.

The limp never went completely away, but it started to feel better about ten minutes into the walk.  So I stopped when I started to feel twinges that weren't part of the limp.  we ended up walking for 37 minutes 1.9 miles (I know couldn't I have gone another tenth - well I didn't look at it until after I got in the car.)

So last night I did the exercise, which I thought would be a piece of cake.  She told me to stand on the broken foot hold on to the wall and swing my other foot around.  Well the first pass I didn't hold on to the wall and nearly went down.  I just had no balance.  I don't know if those exercises is to strengthen or if you (now she is on the keypad this is taking a little longer to write then normal) actual lose your sense of balance.  Something I will have to check out.  Tonight the stationary bike!!!

Day 178 - Today I walk!!!

So I finally get to do some real exercise now.  I am planning on taking T to the park and see if we can walk an hour.  We did go for 25 minutes with the boot on so I think we can do an hour.  I am not planning on going on any dirt paths and we will stay in the main park so I am just hoping that the foot doesn't hurt.  The doctor said that I could do as much walking as I could bear, so we will see what we will see.

I am not planning on doing any hills yet, but I am hoping that I can do those in the next couple of months.  The knee pain I think is almost gone, so...

Also, I am going to try out the exercycle and maybe a bit on the ellipitcal, we will see, I don't want to wear myself out the first week.  But an ocean walk looks good too.

I also have a bunch of work so I am off to that then the walk then work if I a not to tired.

Day 177 - Picture day

Today we are having our pictures taken - I am not really ready, but I will go along to get along as they say.

I never like my picture taken I never look as good as I wish and no matter what I weigh I always feel that the pictures are bad.  I am not very photogenic so I can safely say I look better then the pictures, but the pictures always depress me.

But I always like looking at pictures -so go figure.

I know that this picture is going to really depress me, because I feel that I have lost a lot of weight so I expect it to show in the picture, but I recently had a picture taken and I looked the same so I am not sure that the before and after picture is going to cheer me up.

Well I won't have to cry until May 10th anyway.

Day 176 - Blood pressure

Well I am still taking the blood pressure medicine I was prescribed before this diet marathon started, and I have to say I am loathe to give it up.  I am only taking 12.5 mg of one and 25 mg of the other.  The 12.5 is a water pill and I really don't want to give it up.  Really I don't.  But it is probably time to go talk with the doctor about my blood pressure.  But I don't want to give up the water pill (oh yea I already said that.)  And when I gave up the Atenolol I got bad heart burn.  Oh what is a girl to do.

So when I started my blood pressure was so high I thought that they wouldn't let me in the program.  The doctor told me that they usually take people completely off the blood pressure medicine at the start, but she had to up mine.  I got off the medicine that she upped and she talked about cutting back on the other, but I just wasn't ready to give up the water pill.  Oh yea I already said that.  I do have a few more months since it is still about 110 over 75, but I know the time is coming...And when I start fainting I will know the time has come.

Day 175 - Rug cleaning

Today is a beautiful sunny day and I thought it would be a perfect day to clean the rug in the bedroom.  The room at times smells a little like a latrine as our eldest has taken to having "accidents" at the foot of the steps.  I have scrubbed and washed, but to no avail, if the wind is blowing in just the right direction the whole room smells of urine.

We bought one of these industrial rug cleaners when I threatened to have the whole rug replaced.  I can only imagine what the hard wood floor looks like right now, but to appease me TH went out and bought a rug cleaner saying that "we" would clean the rug.  A year later...

I had decided no matter what I wasn't going to work today, so it just felt right to clean the rug.  But first I had to vacuum.  Easier said then done.  Our youngest who is big, but not very ferocious is always ferocious to the vacuum.  It is that evil thing from outer space and it has to be dealt with.  She growls and yelps and does her high pitched squeal all the while attacking the vacuum.  This is not our fist vacuum; she has been able to kill the other ones.  I did manage to save the vacuum and send her to her kennel.  We have one of the dirt sensing vacuums so it takes about 45 minutes to vacuum the room and I am ready to start cleaning the rug.

But first I have to put it together, which takes about an hour (don't ask) and I am ready to go.  I start at the foot of  the stairs and one pass the machine is saying it is dirty and I have to empty the water.   Yes you read that right - one pass.

I cleaned the bottom of the stairs - I emptied the water 10 times and I used a whole container of cleaner.  I got tired so I will do by the door maybe tomorrow.  I was going to do T2's room also, but at this rate I am not sure I am going to get done with our room by the end of the year.

So I am thinking maybe we should just get new carpets.

Day 174 - Dream a little dream of

Death.  Horrible dream.  Terrible dream.

When I was a kid I had different feelings about death.  I didn't quite grasp death as I do now.  But it isn't the death so much that I am worried about, but what if...

What if there is nothing after death, but I go to it fully conscious?  Like Mark Twain's Mysterious Stranger I am the only one?

That was the dream, I went to nothingness and I was alone.

How long would one have to live to not be afraid to die?  500 years 1000 years 10000 years?  I think living forever would be much like dying into nothingness, so there would  have to be an end a stopping point, a point where I wouldn't want to live anymore, but as long as there are people around I think I wouldn't mind being alive.

Well I am alive today so lets not worry about tomorrow.

Day 173- my office was cleaned up

When I was away on Wednesday someone came in and cleaned my office.  What a surprise it was to have such a nice and neat office.  Now I just have to figure out where they put everything.

I had a great day yesterday with B and big D.  We saw Jane Eyre and it made me want to go reread the book.  I probably haven't read the book since I was in high school, but I have seen every single movie and mini-series ever produced.  And now they are doing Wuthering Heights again.  I got Daniel Craig mixed up with Timothy Dalton, but he was Rochester in Jane Eyre and and he was Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights.  Now I have to say I do not picture those two men (Rochester and Heathcliff) as the same, but I have to say that I believed him in both.

Well I am really putting off work - so I am off to it. 

Day 172 - How much have you lost?

People want to know how much I have lost, and I know that I want to know how much other people have lost.  I look for blogs where it shows there weight loss in nice little graphs and I hope to find one that has a lot of weight loss.  If he/she can lose all that weight so can I.  But I am not ready to share that information with people.

I have a lot of weight to lose and I have lost a lot of weight, but there is still shame in my weight so I am just not ready to say how much I weigh/how much I weighed and how much I want to lose.  There will come a time when I will share, but for now I am only sharing with one person (outside my doctor) and only because I trust her completely to accept me.  

TH is also accepting, but it just isn't something I want to share with my husband.  Sorry sweetie.