Day 598 - Last time I was this weight

I remember this weight well, because I had to buy a dress for my little sisters wedding, and I just cried because I couldn't fit into anything smaller then an 18.  I couldn't believe that I had gotten so large and so sad that I had to buy a dress a size 18.  I was shamed.   And I didn't want to tell anyone that I was in a size 18.

Now?  Now I am basically telling the world what size I am.  But I have come to accept I will never - and I mean never be in single digits.  I never was when I got to my lowest weight, the lowest dress size I could fit in was a size 10.  So some people can be 0 and 1's I will always be a 14.  Probably.  But who knows when they take out a rib and shave down my pelvis maybe I will be a size 2.

But a lot of pride? is wrapped up in your dress size number.  I remember one lady bragging that she was in a size twelve.  I remember thinking to myself did the sizes get bigger?  She looked like a size 16/18 to me so I was surprised she was in a 12.

But I guess with fantasy sizing it could be possible. Gee I think I will make these pants a size 18 and label them a 10.  Ha ha jokes on you.  I know jaded - so jaded.  But if I get into single digits I will yall know.

Day 597 - Swimming with LZ

So far I have kept to my promise to myself to swim four times a week.  I start my swim week on Thursday and it ends on Wednesday with the lesson.  I chose to swim Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but swimming Tuesday to Wednesday I feel the tiredness in my muscles, and find that I don't quite have the stamina to go fast (well relatively speaking).

I got to use paddles today, and they were like heaven.  They are so fun and I feel like I am just flying through the water, and on top of that my stroke count with the paddles is like 15/16.  But...without the paddles it goes back up to 25/26.  Even when I think I am going really slow she tells me it is still too high.  But on a positive note she is saying it is getting better.

Today I tried to keep up with the fellow who I thought was going much faster, but I found out he was probably doing 1:45-1:50's.  But I couldn't keep up today.  No matter.  The mind was willing the flesh not so much.

But on a positive note - yesterday I was able to keep pace with him for about 12 laps doing back stroke.  Then  I petered out, and he was gone and I drank his wake.

I worry that I won't be any stronger or have any more energy even after I am able to eat more calories.  Maybe this is just where I am now, and where I will stay.  Okay I do think I may have more stamina - because I did have more when I was eating before (could go further and longer) so maybe not faster but longer.  Well we will know in ten weeks.

Day 596 - I may be done but I am not out

So today is the start of the ninth week on product, exactly half way of the 16 weeks of product only.  So I made it through my little tantrum and though I am not on the other side completely, I am close to accepting I can do at least one more week.  Well okay one more day.

I know why AA says take it one day at a time, because if you look to far ahead you find that it really isn't worth it.  That is all we can do on a diet - one day at a time.

However on a diet the difference is that you don't have immediate results.  If you quit drinking for the day you have accomplished that feat with dieting if you diet for a day you may or may not have results.  So the heavier you are the harder it is to begin, but easier to stay with it once you have begun.

But it is the initial start up for those who are really obese.  The look down the road - my god it will take me years to take this all off.  I am going to have to totally change everything about my basic needs to make this happen.  And for some - like me - that was just too daunting.  On my own I couldn't keep at a diet long enough to make any visible progress.  I thought about gastric bypass, but then I found out I had to lose like fifty pounds and I was like if I lose fifty pounds then why wouldn't I just keep going.  It would be the jump start I needed.  If I lost fifty pounds I could lose it all.  And with that thought, I jumped into this program.

When I finished up the first time I had lost about sixty pounds, but I was no where near my goal.  For a lot of the people in the group when they finished the product part they finished dieting whether or not they were done losing weight.  Me I got that jump start I said I needed to carry forward.  And I kept losing weight - all the way to December.  Then it stopped.

But I wasn't done.  I knew I had this goal in mind, and I wanted to finish.  But it was getting too hard.  I wanted to live in the real world with real food, and so I maintained, and I got frustrated.  So I just wanted to be done.  I am done.  In my head I know this is it.  Eight more weeks.  Eight more weeks and I am never going to have to lose more then a couple of pounds at any given point.  I am done with this whole dieting mentality.  I will never say I am on a diet again.  I will ban that word from my vocabulary, it is all about making different choices, and I started to see those choices in January and February and March.  I didn't always make the right choices, but I knew when I had chosen poorly, and I learned to compensate.  I learned to quit eating even if I didn't want to quit, and if I did quit when I knew I should then everything turned out okay.  

Because my body won't tell me to quit, I have  to tell myself to quit, and that works for me.

Day 595 - Hunger strikes

I am done.  I want to eat.  I am so very tired of tea and product.  When TH makes a hamburger or potatoes I just want to grab it from his hands and shove it down my throat.  I don't think I can do another eight weeks.  Really.  I mean it would be different if I was dropping tons of pounds, but I am not, and I just want to eat.  I don't care if I ever make my goal I want to eat.

I woke up this morning and got on the scale and weighed exactly what I weighed last week at this time.  Not even an ounce down.  It isn't a plateau, it just that I have hit that point that I can eat 960 calories and maintain my weight.  Am I efficient or what.  So if my maintenance level is 960 calories then I am going to be gaining a lot of weight when I get off the product because I am not going to eat just 960 calories.  No way no how.

I have used the most conservative calculations to figure what my weight loss "should be" but according to my calculations (with modest exercise) I should be three pounds down.  This is water weight - at least I am not drinking any more or less then I usually do, so...

I am done.

Day 594 - Say what???

I love these people in group who say I haven't gained any weight or I only gained a couple of pounds.  Come on folks who are you really kidding?  Do you really think I believe that you weigh less then I do?  I mean I have been there, I know.  I know how much I weigh, or like Almond Roca who says she lost 45/50 pounds and I look at her and think really?  I really don't see it.

THere were a couple of large participants in the new group, and I was amazed the other day when I saw one of them.  She was noticeably - and I mean noticeably smaller.  It got me thinking that maybe I thought she was larger then she was when I first looked at her.  I did what I hated people doing with me, I just saw a large woman.   So maybe she wasn't so large.

But my walk with J made me want to go back and look at everyone again.  I know that I said that I didn't think there were many large people in this group, but maybe I was comparing to myself.  What I considered large, and what is actually large maybe two different things.  I am beginning to see myself smaller, but still when I go to the movie theater I hesitate before I sit down wondering how I am going to fit in the seat.  Or when we go out to dinner, is there enough room for my big body, before I realize I am not that big anymore.  But I am still eyeing the space and I still wonder will I fit.

I don't take seat belt extenders, but still I have a little bit of butterflies thinking what if the seat belt won't fit.  Not fitting is the worst.

Then there are people who would be happy losing 10 pounds in three months.  That is way to slow for me.  I know I know I gained 10 pounds a year 10 pounds in three months is good, but...

But they are being realistic.  Should I be more realistic?  No I don't think so, I think I should live in the light.

Day 593 - Fears

I am afraid of many things, I have phobias up the yingyang and I am a bit neurotic, which does not explain how I became morbidly obese.

I figured that I gained about ten pounds a year.  Some years I might have gained a little more some years a little less, but the bottom line was I was increasing my food intake every year enough calories to gain ten pounds.

But when you look at it that way why didn't I stop at 40 or 50 pounds why did I let it keep going.  How did it become so unmanageable.  Why did I wait so long to feel good?

Then when I hit a point that I thought oops this weight just might kill me I didn't want to lose 10 pounds every year I wanted to lose it all - now.  And I was afraid.  I was afraid I wouldn't see my puppy grow up, that I would leave her motherless, and that scared me.

I wanted to do more then sit at my desk and play video games (though I like sitting at my desk playing video games) and I wanted to to be hampered by my weight.  I wanted to be able to go to NYC and walk and explore and not worry about my weight when I did things.  I used to have nightmares about flying, that my plane got cancelled and I had to fly coach and I couldn't fit in the seat.  I didn't want to worry about that anymore.

So if I die younger then I think I should it isn't because I didn't do anything about it, it just is what it is.  But I hope to have a longer and healthier life.

Day 592-Sunday Blues

So I did go swimming today and it was hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I like paddles though.  I think I need to stay away from them, because they make me feel like I am going sooo fast.

I went to the movie the other day, and I was just dying for some popcorn.  I really like having a small popcorn with my movie.  I start out with a full bag, and I eat one kernel at a time and it seems to be a never ending bag, and I am in like heaven until I get to the final last dregs of the bag.  But It was a huge treat and I love every minute of it.

We are trying to throw things away rather then keep them, but it is hard to.  If I throw all my fat clothes away (which I have lots and lots of) what does that mean?  I remember people talking about their non support systems who tell them not to throw those clothes away.  But the truth - I know where to get more if I need to, but I hope I will not need to.  So away with those fat clothes - away I say - Out damn spot - out.

But at the movie I realized that I have room in the seat.  Really I have room, and I don't care if someone sits next to me because I am not taking up their room.

When I sit in a chair now I always see if I have room on either side, see if my body is squished between the armrests.  I think I have room, but then I look and think I don't have as much room as I thought I had.

Like I said Sunday Blues.

Day 591 - A walk in the park

So now that work is finely starting to slow down I should have enough time to exercise more, like a nice walk in the park, but it is that time of year were we will be very lucky if we see the sun  Today (Sunday) I was hoping on going for a bike ride and a swim, but it is overcast (or foggy) and I am not really feeling it.

But I have to do one or the other (if not both) but will today be the day that I end up doing neither?  Stay tuned.

But on another note we are finally going to have those rancid rugs pulled up and I am finally going to be able to sleep on a bed where the bed springs aren't poking me.  For the past couple of years the box mattress ripped and no matter how much I begged TH for a new bed he just wouldn't budge.  So I put pillows (lots of pillows) under the mattress so I wouldn't get poked, or worse tetanus, one thing I can say about TH if it isn't bothering him it isn't a priority.

As the last time we needed a new bed our first shepherd had eaten away the mattress and I was again sleeping on springs, and I couldn't get him to buy a new mattress, so I finally switched the mattress around and what do you know the first day he had to sleep on those springs we went and bought a new bed.

Oh well nobody is perfect.

Day 590 - Last mini goal before final goal

So this is my last mini goal.  Fifteen pounds.  This is in the past what I considered my "danger point" or the point of no return.  If I went over this weight it was all over and I was lost to being overweight and damn the torpedoes and all of that stuff.

I had warned everyone before I hit the point that that was the weight I couldn't cross.  But life intervened and I crossed it and never looked back.

So hopefully this time crossing it the other way I will have twenty years of maintenance - yea?

The other interesting point that I found out about this weight point is that 51% of women my age weigh more then that point.  So not only will I be hitting my goal but I will be in the 49%.

Two months ago that goal seemed next to impossible.  I was so sick and tired of dieting and  as the weight creeped off I thought it was all for naught.  I was never going to hit that goal, I was never going to hit my goal.  I know I probably won't hit my goal by the end of product, but with the transition I think I can make the final bit.

According to my weight chart I should hit my goal by August 15, 2012.  That is three weeks into the transition. I believe I might make it.

Day 589 - Weigh in welcome to overweighthood

I couldn't wait until tomorrow to post.  I finally did it.  I am officially fat!!!!I have finally crossed that BMI mark that says that I am no longer obese.  Now if I started the program I wouldn't  qualify because I have less then forty pounds I want to lose and I am under the BMI!!! Whoo Hoo!!!  No more obesity for me!!!!  I am very very happy.

I also hit my mini goal.  That elusive one that I have been chasing for the last 20 years.  I haven't weighed this since I originally gained the weight, so even when I lost that weight through Jenny Craig I stopped losing before I got to this point.

I know I know TH is going to say go T, but I am going.  I see the doctor in two weeks, I know she is going to be thrilled.

Day 588 - Vet - Dentist - Vet

Our baby girl went in to be spayed, and I was lying in bed with my girls I thought three barren women.

I would like to have one set of puppies before I die (bucket list) but TH is afraid I wouldn't be able to get rid of them, so we would end up with a pack of ten dogs. I don't think that is the case, but if it were then I would buy a farm and move to it. Or maybe I would move to GV and buy the land next to me and have a dog farm.

I also went to the Dentist. He took the horns off my teeth and I got a cleaning. I stopped going because he said I had a little cavity that he would have to drill and fill, and that just freaks me out. I hate Novocain and the after effects so I was hoping if I ignored it would go away. But the hygienist really wanted it filled. But then they did some kind of laser snap at it and it didn't show decay, and the the x-rays didn't show decay, so they are just going to watch it. Yay!!!!

I am off to swimming in about twenty minutes, and I haven't done my ablutions yet, so...off I go.

Day 587 - Breakfast

Before the redo, I loved my breakfasts.  I actually looked forward to my latte and whatever TFD brought, which was always good.  It made my day - totally.

Now I get a crappy drink and a cup of tea.  I don't much care for tea, and probably won't drink it after the diet.  But it is something different, so I drink it.

Oh well.  This is the seventh week of the redo.  The unfortunate part is that I am not losing as much as I had the first time around, so my expectations have been high, but the results have been low.  I mean really I should be losing at least three pounds a week, and I am not.  In a normal diet you can expect to lose 2 pounds a week, so I am eating shit, and eating less then 1200 calories to lose the same amount of weight.  Something just doesn't compute.

But the truth is I lost more weight on TFD then I did on the product (before I went on my six month plateau.)
So I wonder if my body just hasn't gone into some kind of starvation mode that I didn't go into last time.  Granted I had more product last time, but still...

Yes I am feeling disheartened.  This is very hard and it is suppose to be "rapid" but I haven't lost any weight this week, and it is half over.  Blah!!!

Day 586 - Bike Ride

Well I wasn't really sure how to get on the bike, and I don't seem to be quite as flexible as I was 15 years ago, but I tried to swing my leg over the seat, but it just didn't quite make it.  Good thing nobody was watching.  I bought some bike pants from Terry and I got all this good padding, so I was not in any discomfort on that end.

But dang we went (well I went TH might have gone further) about 6 miles, and biking out it was fine, but coming back it was either uphill or into the wind or maybe both,  my legs actually got a little tired.  I am thinking maybe the recumbent would be good, just for the spinning.

I am going to do Sawyer Camp on Tuesday.  Just to see how it goes.  I will be all by myself, but you know I always will have a cell phone handy, and maybe next week I can talk TH into do the Iron Horse Trail.  One can only hope.

Day 585 - No great swim today

So I did swim in the morning, but I didn't come close to the 7 minutes.  It must have been a fluke.  Who knows.  But I did get cramps and I did stop before I was tired because of the cramps.  Damn cramps.

I came home and weighed myself because - well I didn't lose that much last week, and I was feeling a bit depressed.  But the scale didn't change from Wednesday to Friday, so I am thinking maybe I won't lose as quickly this time around?  Really I should because I am - well okay I am not working at as much, because I was training for that fifty mile walk, but I am swimming, and that is harder then walking right?

But maybe I need to exercise more then just four days a week, maybe I should do something everyday even if I am not swimming.  Hmmm... Nah.

So tomorrow we are going to try the bikes out.  I am just a little nervous.  It has been a really really long time since I have been on a bike.  Not counting that excursion through City College parking lot, but I don't think we were on the bike for more then ten minutes, but I think TH might disagree.

Day 584 - LZ

I love LZ.  She is encouraging and informative, and I still have a huge girl crush on her.  But...

She says my stroke rate is still too high.  We have been working on this for almost nine months, and I still haven't brought it down yet. We seem to have the roll, the entry, just not the catch.  So she tells me I have a beautiful backstroke, if I can just do what I am doing on my back to my front I would have a perfect free, but I tell you it doesn't translate.

But she isn't getting upset she now has me sculling, but I don't know what sculling is so I am not really doing it right.  Then when I need a breath I am suppose to take a full stroke, except I am in the breast stroke position so I just lift my head, and that is not right.  Window wipers, so I tried, but she said I did it with my hands not my forearms.  Maybe I am just a Janet Evans - ?

Day 583 - Holy Toledo Batman

So I swam at Bakar yesterday, keeping my promise to LZ and myself that I would swim four days a week.  So it was just to foggy and cold on Tuesday to make it to the other pool, so I decided to wait until ten and try Bakar just to see how crowded it was.  It actually wasn't bad.  I had my own lane for about 20 minutes, but the lanes are wider so when I shared I didn't feel as cramped as I do when I share in Brisbane.  But the amazing thing was I did the 400 warm up in 7 minutes.  For me that is amazing.  It means I was averaging about 1:46 per hundred, which is really fast for me.  Then I did five 100's and I did them at about 1:40, which is really good for me again.  So even though I haven't been working hard, it is still coming along, slowly, but I am getting faster.

But my endurance just isn't there.  I hardly finished the workout I had planned and I was totally bushed.  I got home went to work to keep my mind off of food, but mail came and we got Cook's magazine.  I must have spent an hour going over the recipes and looking at the pictures.  But I have to admit I couldn't have been that hungry because the scalloped salad did not look appealing to me.  Everything else did, just don't like scallops, and no matter how deprived of food I am I would rather drink the shakes then eat a scallop.

I know I am going to have to do more then swim.  I just am getting a bit lazy.   Maybe tomorrow I will try a bike ride if the sun is out????

Day 581 - No bike ride

I was going to go for a bike ride yesterday, but when I got on the bike I almost fell off.  I have forgotten how to ride a bike, and I couldn't even make it up over the lip of my drive way, so I am a little worried.  It is a cold and foggy day today, so I am not in a real hurry to go and ride that bike.  I am thinking of getting on the recumbent, at least I will be using my legs.  

I was thinking of going to mom's old house and riding there since that is were I started before.  It was flat and fairly easy, and even T2 taking me out for my first spin (I think it was about 3 miles before I said I had to go home) but it was a start.  Now I have no one who will ride with me, and I am no longer comfortable on a bike, so...

Maybe this weekend I can talk TH into going to the Sacramento river, he can sit and drink Pina Colada while I cycle on the nice flat surface?  Nah...isn't going to happen.

Day 582 - Day 39 of the redo

So day 39 does not bring much in the way of ahhah moments.  It was a long drive home, and while I did swim at GV, I couldn't get the right "speed" and I thought it should be faster, but...it is hard to swim against a current.  When swimming laps, you can count your laps, have sort of a sense of accomplishment, but swimming in place is just a bit boring.  And it is hard to do drills.  It is even hard to figure whether or not you are swimming correctly.  Actually it is all just a big pain in the butt.

But I couldn't get up and go swimming today, I was just too tired.  One of these days I am going to have the energy I had before.  When is the only question.

Day 580 - I don't have my calendar how many days left?

So I spend half my days looking at the calendar hoping the time will go by faster.  When will I be done?  How many more months is it until I can eat again.  Why is it so hard this time.

But on the plus side, I have thirty-five pounds to go.  That seems so much more manageable then even fifty-five.

There are many things that I can now do.  If I forget my PJ's, I  can go to walmart or kmart and buy some that will fit.  I can fit in a chair, I can order any tickets to any show and fit in the seats, I don't need to worry about airplanes.  I can take helicopter rides, I don't have to worry that they say I can't go because I am too heavy.  I can go on roller coasters, and other amusement rides, and I probably could ride a horse if I wanted to and wouldn't have to worry about breaking its back.

I look in the mirror and I see what I expect to see now.  I don't turn my eyes away, or want to scream at the mirror telling me it is lying.  I don't have to worry about pictures, because the truth is the truth, and I can accept that I am overweight now, but not as overweight as I used to be.

I can walk anywhere.  I don't have to worry about where I park because I can walk.  Yes - amazing!  I don't worry about hills, or heat, I can walk with ease.  I don't worry about having a heart attack walking up a hill, or worry about my shoe lace coming untied, I can bend down and tie it.  I don't have to worry about falling down, because I can pick myself back up.

I don't worry that I look fat in a swim suit.  I don't care if I look fat in a swim suit.  I am swimming.  Two years ago, I wouldn't go out without a long sleeved shirt and long pants, no matter how hot it was.  Now I can go out it short sleeves, and if they don't like my flabby arms they can stick it.

I don't worry that some young punk is going to come up to me and call me a fat slob.  I don't worry that the waiters or waitress look at me and wonder if I will fit in a booth.  I don't worry about people who love me feel they have to be careful what they say about my weight.

I don't worry that I will lose a job because I am too fat.  I don't worry that people think I am stupid because I am so fat.  I don't worry that I will die in my sleep because I am too fat.

So why would I want to gain it all back?  I worry about that.  I worry that I will get complacent and all I think about right now is food.  So what will stop me?  Well I like being so worry free.  I think that is a good enough reason.  But still I want Indian food.  In fact that is the first thing I am going to have when I am done with this phase of it.  Yes siree Indian food it is.

Day 579 - Yikes

This has to be one of the worse days I have had since starting.  I just want to throw in the towel, and say enough.  I don't care anymore.  It was a really crappy day.

I got up and went swimming.  I decided that I would swim four times a week, minimum no matter what, but when I got in I was finding it difficult swimming.  Hard, tiring, fatiguing.  You name it.  But I did the work out I was planning and I got no cramps.  The Zero Water probably helped.

But that was it for the day.  We came up to GV, and I slept the whole way up, got up here and slept, then went to bed at 7:30 and slept until 8:30 the next morning.  And in between the sleep all I wanted to do was eat.  TH got dip and I wanted to take my finger and just dip it into the dip and eat it like that, then he had baked potatoes and all I wanted to do was grab it and eat it raw.  Everything - anything I just wanted to eat.  I didn't care if I didn't normally like it I wanted to eat it.  Eat anything but those stupid shakes.

Dr. C told me that this intense hunger is probably from low blood sugar, and I should eat another product, which I did, and it did not help.    If I was a drug addict I would have been on the phone to my sponsor last night.  It was that bad.

If every time I do a normal swimming workout this happens, I won't make it through the next ten weeks.  But I don't want to give up swimming.   But I really can't go through what I went through yesterday.  And even eating an extra product did not help, so...I just don't know what to do.

Other exercise doesn't do this to me, so maybe I should give up swimming until this is over.  Oh who knows.  

Day 578 - Group was boring!!!

I have to say that I find this group a bit more boring then the last group.  One person has lost 50 pounds in five weeks, I don't know if anyone in our group lost fifty pounds the first five weeks, maybe B, but I don't remember.  It seems like an awful lot of weight to lose in five weeks, but some people can just lose weight like that you know.  Unfortunately I am not one of them.

But I was clock watching the whole time.  I wish it was a more interactive group, but this is more instructional? She spent a lot of time talking, or at least it felt that way.  I am missing my old facilitator, no matter what her flaws she is better then this one.  Oh well.

So I walk to Kaiser, kind of keeping up the tradition of the walk without my pal, not as fun, but still getting in the exercise.  Did I say I finally found shoes that seem to fit.

I don't remember it being this hard last time, I think I need to go and recheck earlier posts, I am finding this time around very very hard.

Day 577 - Weigh in - swimming

So I woke up this morning and weighed my self and found that I hadn't lost anything.  All that pain and agony and I came back the same that I left.

But I did get up in time to get to the pool for my weekly lesson.  BUT... I forgot my water and my breakfast so I really had no energy at all.  Plus I hadn't swum for a week and how many times can you do that and come out ahead?

I was so worried about the none weight loss that I decided that I would walk again to class.  This time I tried a pair of boots and I am happy to report there were no blisters this time.  They also were a wide - which I am thinking is the problem with all my other shoes.  I always thought a medium was the same as a wide.  So I have one other pair that is a wide, I will try that one tomorrow.

Day 576 - Tuesday home

We got up early and I got home at a decent hour, able to put in a few hours of work.  But I was tired and ready for the bed when the time came around.  I did worry that I wouldn't be able to wake up for swimming tomorrow, but...

Holidays are so fun, but it is always nice to be home again.

Day 575 - Last day in Reno

So yesterday was Big D's 86th birthday, what a day it was.  Craps, Slots and big wins and losses.  In the end I ended up with a net loss, but it was fun.

No exercise, no swimming, no nothing, but I stay true to the course and I may have made it through this third obstacle.   One can only hope.

Day 574 - Sunday Reno -

Well we should have celebrated - yes.  This was my official 82 weeks.  (Remember I started early on Sunday) so I would have been done with the program, and trying to decide how I was going to take off the last 50 pounds.

But instead I am sitting in Reno wondering why in the world I started this whole thing again.  I mean really I must have some masochistic tendencies.  And yes I miss food.

I miss all the food, from tacos to steak to fish to potatoes to you name it.  I know that a lot of people when they get done with the program becomes vegetarians or they don't like this food or that anymore.  That didn't happen to me.  I did cut back on red meat, only because it was so very caloric.  But if I had my druthers I would probably being eating steak every day.

But because TH asked I will keep this blog going through this last phase, then I will go dark - for real.  So onward towards that illusive goal.

Day 573 - Reno

So Yup here I am in Reno, I am looking at the food (it wasn't as bad as it was in Las Vegas) and wondering what if anything I wanted to eat.

As I said before none of it would satisfy me, and I know that, which made it a bit less appealing.  I no longer want to eat until I hurt, but I want to be satisfied as well.  For me they are not mutually exclusive, so...what is more important?

I think maybe a time will come when I can control the impulse a little is good a lot is better.  I have a memory of the first time I had a Carmello bar.  I remember thinking I had died and gone to heaven with the first piece in my mouth.  I savored the piece in my mouth, and looked down at the bar in front of me, and immediately wanted to go buy another bar, I just knew that the one would just not be enough.  But after a time I wasn't getting that same feeling, and I was glad I didn't get another.

That continuous search for the first heavenly bite.

Day 572 - Off for a long weekend

As we come up towards the end of the first 82 weeks, I am off for a long weekend in the wonderful land of Reno.  So it is with trepidation that I head out.  A whole weekend of fun, but no food may be a bit diffucult.  Our yearly jaunts are partly the good food (finding the best restaurant) and just enjoying the food - company - and sights.

So it hasn't been as easy this time around, I haven't shut myself away like I did last time, so we push forward hoping I don't fall back.  I had/have five times that I figured it would be a little difficult for me, the first week with N here, TH's birthday, the trip to Reno, the trip to LV and little T.  So far I have handle three of the five, just two more to go.

I am hoping that there will be a swimming pool there so I can get some laps in.  Maybe I will find the workout room.  While they are gambling I will work out - yea right.

Day 571 - Mini Goal met

Well I have been hovering around this goal for oh I don't know eight months - I finally met it.  Can't believe that it.  Only to be disappointed that I can't wear the clothes that I was expecting to wear - oh well.

So on to the next mini goal - and this is a big one - nine pounds.  That is it nine pounds to no longer being obese.  Nine pounds I wouldn't have qualified for the program, what a difference nine pounds will make.

I am finding that the days are moving much quicker then I had originally thought they would, and I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can really start training.  Training at my goal weight, training with the proper amount of calories, and of course my morning lattes.  I think it is the second or third week weening off product that we can have milk - latte latte latte.

I know I am thinking to far ahead, but it is hard not to.  I am on the home stretch, and I think I can make it. 

Day 570 - Weigh in

Weight loss - dang.  I often wonder how it was that our cultural admires the thin.  I mean you would think heavier people would be the more attractive.  It is a survival thing, ability to store fat in times of famine.  But we don't.  Look like a greyhound not an elephant.    How did that come about?  Really?

I mean being thin used to be associated with poverty.  Not enough money to buy food, eating sporadically, being malnourished, unhealthy, and now it is just the opposite.

I am *surprised* at how many people are surprised how healthy they were considering their weight.  For many overweight individuals  lab work always came back good, maybe cholesterol a little high, blood pressure a little high, but for the most part healthy.

I am still considered obese, but my blood pressure is normal, my sugar is normal my cholesterol is normal.  Everything is normal.  My body is normal, but according to the charts I am at high risk for early death because of my weight.  Random number with a random response.

Yes being as overweight as I was was unhealthy, my blood pressure was high, and my sugar was on the border, but all other tests were normal.  I wanted to lose weight because I was morbidly obese.  My body wasn't going to be able to handle the weight too much longer, and I wasn't able to be in the "real" world as completely being that heavy.  

Now?  Now I could live completely healthy at this weight, and at this age be completely accepted at this weight.  (Notice I say at this age.)  I could stop losing weight and be happy - if I wasn't so damn competitive.  So many people in my life have thought of me as being vain.  This journey is not at all about looks for me.  True I never liked the way I looked "fat" but it didn't bother me enough to lose weight for the last 20 years.  But when I decided I wanted to do more then sit in the house and die, then I knew it was time to lose the weight.  You really can't move that much weight quickly, no matter how hard you try.  And believe me I tried.  

Day 569 - Swimming anyone

So I am not 16 anymore, and I wonder sometimes was I ever fast.  I went swimming at the gym today, and I found that I was the slowest one there.  I was probably the oldest one there too.  But that is besides the point. I read and read about these swimmers and their times, and I think I never had times like that (that I remember) how could they do that?  One person said that they had been swimming for about six months and they were doing 100's on the 1:15.  Means she had to have been doing them at about 1-1:05, my fastest was 1:05 I think.

I know I know we work on speed when I have food to fuel me, until then we work on stroke.  But I want to work on speed.  The mind is willing the body not so.

LZ is going to be going away during the summer, so I am going to have nobody working with me.  I want to keep her forever, but I think I need to have someone who works me.  I am going to have to sleep on this.

Day 568 - 26 days into the new program

It is amazing how quickly the time is going.  I can't believe it is almost a month!!!  So far I haven't crashed and burned, but I did finally have another food dream.  I dreamt that I went off the program, then I realized that I was asleep, did a big sigh of relief, went and without thinking at something (I can't remember what it was) and was like oh my god I don't believe I had a dream about eating then went and ate when I woke up.

Well I only dreamt that I woke up, but it seemed real.  In my dreams I don't normally have other senses involved in the dream (I don't smell in the dream and I don't taste) so though I ate whatever it was it didn't give me any pleasure at eating it.  Just the guilt.

I think I had these dreams early last time, I don't know if that is good or bad.