Happy thanksgiving.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Day 408 - Wednesday - Swimming - and GV
Talk about lazy, I just couldn't get myself to move. Swimming was a bust. I am not sure what I am suppose to do after I finish with my lesson, do I do a full workout or just cool down. Today I just couldn't even motivate myself to do a little workout, so as soon as it was over I hopped out and ran home so we could be off on our wild and wacky adventure to GV.
Day 407 - Tuesday 22 2011 - Group
Finally I got to walk before group, and it did help to lose weight, though it wasn't this great weight loss I had hoped for. We seem to be walking faster if not longer, and since I had walked a bit earlier, I wasn't really sure how far we went, but far enough.
Group was made of the usually suspects and as usual not very helpful. I have taken to clock watching but Wednesday is coming so all ends up good.
Group was made of the usually suspects and as usual not very helpful. I have taken to clock watching but Wednesday is coming so all ends up good.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Day 406 - Dieting
So I have been doing this program for over a year now, and I keep saying I am dieting, but really I am not dieting anymore. I have more weight to lose, but I have stopped thinking of it as a diet. I realized a few months ago it is always going to be watching what I put in my mouth, and now that I found out that I genetically predisposed toward obesity I will always be watching til my teeth won't work anymore.
The point is this is the amount I probably will always have to eat. Losing a pound or two a week will eventually slow down as I continue to lose weight, so by the time I actually hit my goal weight my guess is this is all I can eat to maintain. But even now I allow myself certain times off from the strictness of the food intake, so I don't really have that feeling of being deprived as I did many years ago. But it is the acceptance that I am eating this way for the rest of my life, and there won't be a time that I can say I am done. I am done, have been for the last year, and probably (hopefully) for years to come.
So I don't cheat, don't go off it. Don't say oh goodness I had something I shouldn't so let the gates open and all of that stuff. I eat something that isn't "good" I look at it in the scheme of my intake and diet and decide then what to do about it. Am I done eating for the day? Do I do an extra exercise? Or have I done enough that I don't have to worry about it.
There are days that I want to gorge, that I hear that old voice saying what does it hurt to go off just for today, eat whatever you want come on you know you want it. And I find myself reaching for that illusive food that will satisfy whatever I am craving for, but I have overcome those impulses for now. I don't know what will happen if I give in to that voice, but for now, today I have overcome.
The point is this is the amount I probably will always have to eat. Losing a pound or two a week will eventually slow down as I continue to lose weight, so by the time I actually hit my goal weight my guess is this is all I can eat to maintain. But even now I allow myself certain times off from the strictness of the food intake, so I don't really have that feeling of being deprived as I did many years ago. But it is the acceptance that I am eating this way for the rest of my life, and there won't be a time that I can say I am done. I am done, have been for the last year, and probably (hopefully) for years to come.
So I don't cheat, don't go off it. Don't say oh goodness I had something I shouldn't so let the gates open and all of that stuff. I eat something that isn't "good" I look at it in the scheme of my intake and diet and decide then what to do about it. Am I done eating for the day? Do I do an extra exercise? Or have I done enough that I don't have to worry about it.
There are days that I want to gorge, that I hear that old voice saying what does it hurt to go off just for today, eat whatever you want come on you know you want it. And I find myself reaching for that illusive food that will satisfy whatever I am craving for, but I have overcome those impulses for now. I don't know what will happen if I give in to that voice, but for now, today I have overcome.
Day 405 - Swimming partner
So I swam on Monday, but I just couldn't bring myself to go hard so instead I went long (ha ha sounds like a football game) so I swam for an hour and a half, and was able to do the whole thing at one speed (not good really.)
But as you probably guessed from my thousand of earlier blogs, I was not the fastest in the pool. I decided to do 5 x 400, 5x200 and 5 x 100 and try and do the 100's hard, but it didn't happen. By the time I got to the 100's my leg was cramping so badly that I actually had to stop twice to stretch it out. But I digress. So doing the 400 the guy next to me (he wouldn't win any prizes for pretty swim) lapped me once per 400 - okay I was averaging 2 minute 100's (to give you a reference point when I was younger and training I was repeating 100's @ 1:05-1:10, and I wasn't a freestyler) which means he was doing the hundreds at 1:30, but I couldn't keep up. I would be able to keep up for a lap, but then he would do a flip and leave me in the dust. And I am not ready to do flips yet, but close...they will definitely take time off.
So he got done and then two people got in the lane next to me a man and a woman. And they were swimming together. At first I didn't realize that they were, but when I stopped they were actually pacing each other (well I am guessing he was pacing her more then she was pacing him) then they would stop and kick and while they kicked she would blather away and he would say yea = oh = interesting. So by the end of the set she was panting and puffing and he was like okay now we are doing...
And I felt how lucky that they are working out together - wouldn't it be nice if I had a swimming partner too? Maybe if I advertise - Looking for someone who is faster then me who will work out with me 5 days a week and pace me. Hmm I don't think so. Well a girl can dream.
But as you probably guessed from my thousand of earlier blogs, I was not the fastest in the pool. I decided to do 5 x 400, 5x200 and 5 x 100 and try and do the 100's hard, but it didn't happen. By the time I got to the 100's my leg was cramping so badly that I actually had to stop twice to stretch it out. But I digress. So doing the 400 the guy next to me (he wouldn't win any prizes for pretty swim) lapped me once per 400 - okay I was averaging 2 minute 100's (to give you a reference point when I was younger and training I was repeating 100's @ 1:05-1:10, and I wasn't a freestyler) which means he was doing the hundreds at 1:30, but I couldn't keep up. I would be able to keep up for a lap, but then he would do a flip and leave me in the dust. And I am not ready to do flips yet, but close...they will definitely take time off.
So he got done and then two people got in the lane next to me a man and a woman. And they were swimming together. At first I didn't realize that they were, but when I stopped they were actually pacing each other (well I am guessing he was pacing her more then she was pacing him) then they would stop and kick and while they kicked she would blather away and he would say yea = oh = interesting. So by the end of the set she was panting and puffing and he was like okay now we are doing...
And I felt how lucky that they are working out together - wouldn't it be nice if I had a swimming partner too? Maybe if I advertise - Looking for someone who is faster then me who will work out with me 5 days a week and pace me. Hmm I don't think so. Well a girl can dream.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Day 404 - Count Down
So I am counting down - counting down to puppy, to T2 to Big D and T1 at GV, I am counting down to a happy and wonderful next couple of weeks. I am so excited I just can't hide it. Isn't that how the song goes. And in the midst of all this excitement I have to continue to lose weight.
So I got all excited on Wednesday because it looked like I had lost four pounds on Tuesday. Then on Thursday it looked like I lost another pound, then this morning I had gained it all back. Hmm. I think I am just going to quite weighing myself (not.)
Maybe the dinner was bad - but I don't think I did bad. I mean not five pounds bad, so I will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out how bad it was.
At least this Tuesday I will be walking so that will help - dehydrate myself before I walk and then dehydrate myself a bit more. J may be picking me up off the ground, but anything to make that scale move. Down.
So I got all excited on Wednesday because it looked like I had lost four pounds on Tuesday. Then on Thursday it looked like I lost another pound, then this morning I had gained it all back. Hmm. I think I am just going to quite weighing myself (not.)
Maybe the dinner was bad - but I don't think I did bad. I mean not five pounds bad, so I will just have to wait until Tuesday to find out how bad it was.
At least this Tuesday I will be walking so that will help - dehydrate myself before I walk and then dehydrate myself a bit more. J may be picking me up off the ground, but anything to make that scale move. Down.
Day 403 - What size am I
So I am approaching the weight that I can wear some of my clothes, and I find that they are not fitting. That is strange since I know at this weight they should fit fine. One skirt I can't even button, so I sat down, not really perplexed, but a little disheartened. It isn't because I don't weigh the same as I did when I wore those clothes before, but I have this extra layer that I didn't have before. I always hopes before this moment comes, that maybe I didn't do it to myself, maybe I will go back to the way it was, but for me it just isn't going to be. That extra layer is here to stay.
I hope that losing more weight I will get rid of a bit more of the layer, and goodness gracious my face - ya know.
I am showing signs of age, in what I always have thought I would be ageless, so I am thinking that I possibly will not age as gracefully as say my grandmothers, mother, or all who have come before. It just kind of crept up on me as I tried to beautify myself for the fundraising dinner. I looked in the mirror and thought you are not aging badly at all I think I will take a picture and send it to people, so I snapped a picture and when I looked at I thought who the hell is that old person in the mirror. The camera is a horrible invention.
I hope that losing more weight I will get rid of a bit more of the layer, and goodness gracious my face - ya know.
I am showing signs of age, in what I always have thought I would be ageless, so I am thinking that I possibly will not age as gracefully as say my grandmothers, mother, or all who have come before. It just kind of crept up on me as I tried to beautify myself for the fundraising dinner. I looked in the mirror and thought you are not aging badly at all I think I will take a picture and send it to people, so I snapped a picture and when I looked at I thought who the hell is that old person in the mirror. The camera is a horrible invention.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Day 402 - Cramps aches and pains
So I woke up late today, I was going to go swimming, but as my leg started to cramp I thought better of it. Then I went upstairs and decided I had to swim today, even if it was just a nice and easy one. After yesterday and LZ working me to exhaustion I wasn't ready to do a repeat. To be honest my arms hurt with no effort on my part. I am hoping that it means I am getting stronger and not that I have injury or I am just a weakling. We can hope, at least walking with J I won't have to do chin ups or anything crazy like that.
So I haven't really walked since I last walked with J, I think what - three weeks? Lazy...so I don't know how hard this is going to be. She may be leaving me in the dust, but that is okay, I get what I deserve.
Oh good as I was writing the pain ceased (at least temporarily) so I can continue writing. I went to TH's office on Tuesday to have some papers notarized, and I was informed that I was a completely different person. TH told me to take it as a compliment - Hmm okay, I am too tired to complain - but just wait, I do have some choice things to say about that.
Back to the cramping. So it was going to be all about distance today, but when I started my second set my leg cramped so I gave up and got out of the water - am I a quitter? I am very careful about leg cramps because if I get a full on cramp my leg will be sore for days, and when they hit I can't do anything but scream and I don't want to be screaming at the pool, so... really I am thinking of everyone else not just me.
Cramps suck.
So I haven't really walked since I last walked with J, I think what - three weeks? Lazy...so I don't know how hard this is going to be. She may be leaving me in the dust, but that is okay, I get what I deserve.
Oh good as I was writing the pain ceased (at least temporarily) so I can continue writing. I went to TH's office on Tuesday to have some papers notarized, and I was informed that I was a completely different person. TH told me to take it as a compliment - Hmm okay, I am too tired to complain - but just wait, I do have some choice things to say about that.
Back to the cramping. So it was going to be all about distance today, but when I started my second set my leg cramped so I gave up and got out of the water - am I a quitter? I am very careful about leg cramps because if I get a full on cramp my leg will be sore for days, and when they hit I can't do anything but scream and I don't want to be screaming at the pool, so... really I am thinking of everyone else not just me.
Cramps suck.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Day 401 - Reflections
I seem to have been talking quite a bit about my weight loss, which makes me reflect on what I am doing and what I expect from it. Sometimes I find what comes out of my mouth surprises me. It is like do I really believe that? Where did that come from?
I had lunch with Z the other day and we were discussing the emotional implications of the weight loss. I told her if someone our age wants to lose weight because they want to look better they might as well forget about it, because you are not going to become a beautiful 25 year old by losing the weight. In some cases it might even make you look worse, showing your age or even aging you more then your age (if that makes sense.)
I realized that prior to my commitment to lose weight, I had at the back of my mind that even if I did lose the weight I was too old to be attractive anymore. And if I couldn't be attractive why should I lose the weight? I live in a society where looks are the be all and end all, so it is all about looks and so if you are old it is hard to get motivated to lose the weight.
But then you realize as you try to squeeze into a chair or walk up the hill it really has very little to do with looks. People will be nicer to you, they will accept you as a person, not because you are good looking, but because you are not fat. In this society that beauty thing is pretty much over by the time you hit forty. Very few older women are described as beautiful. That is a word to describe the young. But surprisingly if you are older and obese, you really are not judged as harshly then if you are young and obese. In fact there is a certain leeway older people are given for their weight that is not lent to the younger person, but do not get me wrong just because people are more lenient towards the older obese person they still are not forgiving. If you are fat that is the only description people will generally use to describe you. We will never be the woman with the blond hair and brown eyes, just that fat woman.
It is the way of this society for good or bad.
I had lunch with Z the other day and we were discussing the emotional implications of the weight loss. I told her if someone our age wants to lose weight because they want to look better they might as well forget about it, because you are not going to become a beautiful 25 year old by losing the weight. In some cases it might even make you look worse, showing your age or even aging you more then your age (if that makes sense.)
I realized that prior to my commitment to lose weight, I had at the back of my mind that even if I did lose the weight I was too old to be attractive anymore. And if I couldn't be attractive why should I lose the weight? I live in a society where looks are the be all and end all, so it is all about looks and so if you are old it is hard to get motivated to lose the weight.
But then you realize as you try to squeeze into a chair or walk up the hill it really has very little to do with looks. People will be nicer to you, they will accept you as a person, not because you are good looking, but because you are not fat. In this society that beauty thing is pretty much over by the time you hit forty. Very few older women are described as beautiful. That is a word to describe the young. But surprisingly if you are older and obese, you really are not judged as harshly then if you are young and obese. In fact there is a certain leeway older people are given for their weight that is not lent to the younger person, but do not get me wrong just because people are more lenient towards the older obese person they still are not forgiving. If you are fat that is the only description people will generally use to describe you. We will never be the woman with the blond hair and brown eyes, just that fat woman.
It is the way of this society for good or bad.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Day 400 - Sad day at the okay corral
I gained weight this week, so now I have to work doubly hard to lose it. And I was ambushed. The facilitator asked if I would talk with this woman who was having some issues about losing after the program and I agreed. So when I went up to meet with her, I found it was the whole group. But I chose to be brutally honest and I was a little surprised by their questions.
I told them how much I had lost, I told them that I didn't cheat, I didn't binge, I didn't constantly think about food all the time, but I got one question that threw me for a loop. One person asked me if I had ever binged, gone off the diet and just went wild. I told her no, and she said why - so aren't you embarrassed about being over weight? HUH? How does my staying strictly on the diet translate to me not being embarrassed about being overweight. Actually I think she used the word shame. I would have thought it would be the other way around.
Other questions that they asked were how long had I been overweight, what made me decide to lose the weight and how did I gain the weight in the first place. I mean really they are all in the same place I am, don't they know why they chose to lose the weight. I am sure everyones catalyst is different, and asking how long I had been overweight? I am not sure what the information would do for them. And they kept asking if after I went on real food did I find that my stomach had shrunk, I mean come on really? And how did I gain the weight in the first place?
I know they were looking to see if there was something in me that they could translate to themselves I am sure. See she did it and she was...I can do it too.
I see it, I understand it, I blog it.
I told them how much I had lost, I told them that I didn't cheat, I didn't binge, I didn't constantly think about food all the time, but I got one question that threw me for a loop. One person asked me if I had ever binged, gone off the diet and just went wild. I told her no, and she said why - so aren't you embarrassed about being over weight? HUH? How does my staying strictly on the diet translate to me not being embarrassed about being overweight. Actually I think she used the word shame. I would have thought it would be the other way around.
Other questions that they asked were how long had I been overweight, what made me decide to lose the weight and how did I gain the weight in the first place. I mean really they are all in the same place I am, don't they know why they chose to lose the weight. I am sure everyones catalyst is different, and asking how long I had been overweight? I am not sure what the information would do for them. And they kept asking if after I went on real food did I find that my stomach had shrunk, I mean come on really? And how did I gain the weight in the first place?
I know they were looking to see if there was something in me that they could translate to themselves I am sure. See she did it and she was...I can do it too.
I see it, I understand it, I blog it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Day 399 - November 14, 2011 - I am a new mom!!!
I just found out I am a proud mom of a baby furry white T. I wish I could have her now, but we have to wait another two weeks. OPEN OPEN OPEN.
I just worry a bit about my T. I hope she doesn't feel hurt or unloved because we have a new baby. I hope she won't eat the new baby. She is my princess and I want her to always remember that she is my princess. No furry white thing will ever take her place.
But I am excited nonetheless.
I just worry a bit about my T. I hope she doesn't feel hurt or unloved because we have a new baby. I hope she won't eat the new baby. She is my princess and I want her to always remember that she is my princess. No furry white thing will ever take her place.
But I am excited nonetheless.
Day 398 November 13, 2011 - Sunday
I am trying to catch up here. I don't really remember to well what happened two days ago let alone a week, but TH came home and I went to Rossmoor to swim.
I was not that "good" while K was visiting, and I have probably gained another two pounds, so I have to maybe starve myself to take that two pounds off so I can break even this week, but I am not optimistic. My Fresh Diet is quickly coming to an end, and I keep hoping that they will have another promo so I don't have to pay full price, but that is not looking promising either.
So I went to Rossmoor as I said before and I found that I was not the fastest in the pool. There were quite a few swimmers who were flying along doing flip turns and probably 15 seconds faster then me per lap. Blah. Just as I was finishing up this young whipper snapper got in my lane and asked if we could share. I always say yes, but inside I say no. Not if you are faster then me, not if you are slower then me, not if you are...mom never really did a good job on teaching me to share - well she did a good job teaching me to share, but not to do it graciously.
And worse still my eleven year old niece is faster then I am, in fact she is faster then I was at her age. Well okay not in the backstroke, but everything else. Oh well, thank god I am not competitive
I was not that "good" while K was visiting, and I have probably gained another two pounds, so I have to maybe starve myself to take that two pounds off so I can break even this week, but I am not optimistic. My Fresh Diet is quickly coming to an end, and I keep hoping that they will have another promo so I don't have to pay full price, but that is not looking promising either.
So I went to Rossmoor as I said before and I found that I was not the fastest in the pool. There were quite a few swimmers who were flying along doing flip turns and probably 15 seconds faster then me per lap. Blah. Just as I was finishing up this young whipper snapper got in my lane and asked if we could share. I always say yes, but inside I say no. Not if you are faster then me, not if you are slower then me, not if you are...mom never really did a good job on teaching me to share - well she did a good job teaching me to share, but not to do it graciously.
And worse still my eleven year old niece is faster then I am, in fact she is faster then I was at her age. Well okay not in the backstroke, but everything else. Oh well, thank god I am not competitive
Day 397 - November 12, Saturday
K left today, and then I came home and spent the rest of the day watching TV. T and I cuddled on the bed and before I knew it I snoring silently. TH comes home tomorrow, so I am sure that quiet peacefulness will soon end.
Day 396 - November 11, 2011 (picket fences)
We decided that we would have a quiet day this veterans day. We won't see 11-11-11 for another hundred years so it was an important day to just sit back and reflect. And that is what we did. We went and visited the cemetery and just had a quiet day at home.
I did manage to get up in the morning and swim, and though the water was cold, once I got going it was nice. It started raining but I was in the pool so it didn't bother me too much.
T was also happy that I spent the day with her. She has been feeling a bit neglected so...
I did manage to get up in the morning and swim, and though the water was cold, once I got going it was nice. It started raining but I was in the pool so it didn't bother me too much.
T was also happy that I spent the day with her. She has been feeling a bit neglected so...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 395 - November 10 - How do you lose money in nothing flat? Go to a casino
So Thursday I gathered Big D and K up and off we went to the local casino. I lost - Big D won - Nuff said.
Day 394 - November 9 - Hair
Swimming in the morning, I crashed soon after the lesson, and I couldn't get moving again, so it was a little workout, but with a big day planned.
We were meeting B at the theater, but I was sleepy having gotten up and gone swimming at such an ungodly hour, and I didn't get my tea, so I was planning on going early find a Starbucks and having a vanilla latte. Well we did get there early, but I didn't find a Starbucks (can you believe that a Starbucks on every corner, but not one around the theater?) We did find a place that made lattes and I did manage to stay awake for the whole show.
J had also informed me last night that the show was interactive. I like to sit on the end seat, but once I heard that I was not going to sit on the aisle - no way no how. It wasn't to bad, and B does like the interactive part so she got to the be in the aisle.
Then we went to dinner. Delicious wonderful dinner. Did I say delicious? Did I pig out, not really, but I definitely ate more then I should have, but you know what the heck - I have six more days to lose the weight.
We were meeting B at the theater, but I was sleepy having gotten up and gone swimming at such an ungodly hour, and I didn't get my tea, so I was planning on going early find a Starbucks and having a vanilla latte. Well we did get there early, but I didn't find a Starbucks (can you believe that a Starbucks on every corner, but not one around the theater?) We did find a place that made lattes and I did manage to stay awake for the whole show.
J had also informed me last night that the show was interactive. I like to sit on the end seat, but once I heard that I was not going to sit on the aisle - no way no how. It wasn't to bad, and B does like the interactive part so she got to the be in the aisle.
Then we went to dinner. Delicious wonderful dinner. Did I say delicious? Did I pig out, not really, but I definitely ate more then I should have, but you know what the heck - I have six more days to lose the weight.
Day 393 - November 8, dinner with good friends and good food
So it was weigh in day for me and I hadn't been really following the program since I got back (dinner out dinner out lunch out dinner out) so I was a little worried about weigh in, but I thought heck how bad can it be? Bad.
I had gained two pounds - almost three from coming back from Ohio, and all I could think of was how hard it was to lose and how easy to gain.
But nonetheless I was looking forward to dinner with J and K. And it was one of those delightful dinner. Heck it was better then walking 3 miles and then only getting to have water. Here I didn't have to walk anywhere and I got a full course meal. And Wednesday was swimming day, so I was sure I would work off any extra weight I gained from the meal.
Little did I know that the eating wouldn't stop there...
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Day 392 - I Love Popcorn
So I have been getting my food delivered the whole time that K is here, but I haven't eaten much of it. Part of it is going out to eat, well all of it is going out to eat. But yesterday it was about the popcorn. I love popcorn, I love going to the movies so I can have my small bag of unbuttered popcorn for 420 calories. So what do I give up for that 420 calories? My dinner and then some. Dinner is suppose to be 300-400 calories, but I will give it all up for popcorn.
I have seen more movies this year - only for the popcorn (okay not just for the popcorn, but that is the one thing I look most forward to.)
Today I am getting weighed in and I had popcorn yesterday - and I usually retain water when I eat popcorn, so I guess I will have to do the elliptical for what 3 hours? Oh heck with it.
I have seen more movies this year - only for the popcorn (okay not just for the popcorn, but that is the one thing I look most forward to.)
Today I am getting weighed in and I had popcorn yesterday - and I usually retain water when I eat popcorn, so I guess I will have to do the elliptical for what 3 hours? Oh heck with it.
Day 391 - Swimming Blues
So I swam at the indoor pool at Rossmoor yesterday and though not as nice as the outdoor pool it was adequate. I haven't swum for a week, so I was not expecting miracles, but dang it wasn't a great workout.
I was amazed the pool actually had a current - so swimming one way I was in misery and swimming the other way, well I hardly had to swim. But the feel of swimming with the current was wonderful. I felt fast and furious, and I could take one stroke and pause and go a whole yard. Yes that is how strong it was.
We proceeded to the Cheese Cake Factory after the swim - big mistake. Swimming makes me really want to eat, so I didn't exercise the best control, all my hard work in Ohio is slowly disappearing. Bah.
One thing I noticed having K here and Tbaby in Ohio, that people of normal size really don't eat a whole lot. The house in Ohio was filled with potato chips, ice cream, candy, cookies - everything an obese person would want and I think I saw Tbaby eat one cookie and had one bowl of ice cream, but very little else. Here we bought K all sorts of food, and she eats infrequently. I have found myself asking her are you hungry do you want something to eat. Finally I told her that I was going to rely on her to eat or not, but I found myself that night asking her again.
It is more then a hostess thing, but I don't really know exactly what it is. I am like the mother who says eat - eat.
I was amazed the pool actually had a current - so swimming one way I was in misery and swimming the other way, well I hardly had to swim. But the feel of swimming with the current was wonderful. I felt fast and furious, and I could take one stroke and pause and go a whole yard. Yes that is how strong it was.
We proceeded to the Cheese Cake Factory after the swim - big mistake. Swimming makes me really want to eat, so I didn't exercise the best control, all my hard work in Ohio is slowly disappearing. Bah.
One thing I noticed having K here and Tbaby in Ohio, that people of normal size really don't eat a whole lot. The house in Ohio was filled with potato chips, ice cream, candy, cookies - everything an obese person would want and I think I saw Tbaby eat one cookie and had one bowl of ice cream, but very little else. Here we bought K all sorts of food, and she eats infrequently. I have found myself asking her are you hungry do you want something to eat. Finally I told her that I was going to rely on her to eat or not, but I found myself that night asking her again.
It is more then a hostess thing, but I don't really know exactly what it is. I am like the mother who says eat - eat.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Day 390 - Why I don't tell people I am dieting
Dieting is hard without people watching over you to see if you stay on the straight and narrow or to have them watch you to see what you are doing. I had a rather difficult time in Ohio knowing that they were watching what I was doing. It isn't a matter of how much they care, in fact having someone say don't ask her she can't have just pisses me off.
This is my journey, and I have never liked anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I need to feel in charge, especially when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I do not - can not have people tell me - even if they are thinking they are being supportive - I can't eat something.
I felt like they thought I had no control. Just by looking at something or being offered something I do not have the will or won't power to turn it down. Don't offer it to her she is on a diet. What??? Am I some kind of vampire that the mere sight of blood will send me into a feeding frenzy? That is just nuts. And even though they thought that they were being supportive, they were actually being pretty condescending.
Furthermore, to be introduced as my SIL who is half her size is pretty embarrassing as well. They don't know me and they don't really care, but my weight has defined me for too long, I am tired of it still defining me.
This is one of the many reasons I do not like to tell people that I am dieting.
This is my journey, and I have never liked anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. I need to feel in charge, especially when it comes to what I put in my mouth. I do not - can not have people tell me - even if they are thinking they are being supportive - I can't eat something.
I felt like they thought I had no control. Just by looking at something or being offered something I do not have the will or won't power to turn it down. Don't offer it to her she is on a diet. What??? Am I some kind of vampire that the mere sight of blood will send me into a feeding frenzy? That is just nuts. And even though they thought that they were being supportive, they were actually being pretty condescending.
Furthermore, to be introduced as my SIL who is half her size is pretty embarrassing as well. They don't know me and they don't really care, but my weight has defined me for too long, I am tired of it still defining me.
This is one of the many reasons I do not like to tell people that I am dieting.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Day 388 - November 3, 2011 - Recovery
It was nothing but a relaxing day, in front of the TV eating popcorn and bon bons. I promised Little T if her parents would let her I would take her to the mall that day, so I went to pick her up at the school. I got there about 2:45 (same time less stress) and I got in line. The next thing I knew she was opening up the door. Hey, I thought you had to wait until I got to the front of the line. She ignored me. I guess she does eat horse manure.
Little T was having her first school dance and we had to find something to wear. We did though I was having doubts. Without B along I can really pick clothes for pre-teens. I am always going for the older look, but Little T finally found something she liked and we started home. I was told to leave before five or I would be sitting in traffic for hours, so I was pushing Little T out the door and hoping to beat the traffic. I finally pulled my ace card - I have to go to the bathroom, lets go. It worked until we got home and Little T kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom yet. I finally went just to shut her up. Oh the things you do to make it all work.
So I was leaving at 7 am, and I thought I should try and get some sleep before I left, so I went to bed early. Little T came and slept with me and read to me until she couldn't read anymore and we both turned on our alarms and hit the sack. Life is good - ya know.
Little T was having her first school dance and we had to find something to wear. We did though I was having doubts. Without B along I can really pick clothes for pre-teens. I am always going for the older look, but Little T finally found something she liked and we started home. I was told to leave before five or I would be sitting in traffic for hours, so I was pushing Little T out the door and hoping to beat the traffic. I finally pulled my ace card - I have to go to the bathroom, lets go. It worked until we got home and Little T kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom yet. I finally went just to shut her up. Oh the things you do to make it all work.
So I was leaving at 7 am, and I thought I should try and get some sleep before I left, so I went to bed early. Little T came and slept with me and read to me until she couldn't read anymore and we both turned on our alarms and hit the sack. Life is good - ya know.
Day 387 - November 2, 2011 - Surgery
Well it was a hurry up and wait type day. I couldn't sleep that night, so I finished my book I was reading, and I didn't really want to start another book, but I still wasn't sleepy, but as I was waiting for something to do, my 23 and me results came back, so I had fun looking at those.
By 4 am I knew if I didn't try and get some sleep then I was not going to be any good that day, so I turned off all equipment and headed to bed. Seven comes awful soon if you go to bed at 4. But we needed to get the children off to school and Tbaby off to the hospital, so I didn't feel the lack of sleep. We got admitted right in, and they took Tbaby right in for the first part, but then it became a waiting game.
I do have to say that Tbaby certainly knows how to charm people. She got the charisma gene, whereas I got none. In fact, all my siblings except for me got that gene. It has always amazed me how people just want to be around my siblings, no matter what they are doing or how they are treating people. But I digress, Tbaby was witty, and funny and open and charming and she had all the nurses and doctors fawning over her. It was a thing of beauty.
But then we waited. We had to get there at 10 am, and the surgery was suppose to be at 3 pm, but by 2 pm I knew they weren't going to take her in before I had to leave to pick up the chitlins. So Tbaby asked that I leave a little early to beat traffic, so off I went.
It actually is a good thing that I left early, because I got completely and totally lost. I didn't have a clue where I was or how I was suppose to find the car that we parked two buildings from the hospital. Unlike the other hospitals I have been too, this hospital seemed to have numerous entrances, and I ended up at one I had never ever seen before. I didn't know if I was still in Ohio by the time I got out of the building, more like a space warp, and I didn't think I would have any problem finding Neil street, but when I found a map of you are here I walked in what I supposed was the correct direction only to find another map saying you are here and finding I had gone in the exact opposite direction.
I was hoping to get home to use the bathroom, but by the time I got home, it was running a little late and I had to go pick up Little T. I got to Little T on time (though I did make a little detour to the high school - dang all of Ohio streets look the same) but she decided I needed to be punished because I was there at 2:45 instead of 2:40. So I had to wait in line until I got to the front of the line (about 10 minutes) before she would get in the car. I asked why she didn't get in the car before I got to the head of the line and she said that she wasn't suppose to. I said other kids were - and she said if other kids eat horse manure am I suppose to? Hmm - okay.
So I went and picked up Little R and I went back to the hospital. I inputted the hospital into the GPS and off I went. As I was passing the freeway entrance that I thought I was suppose to take, the GPS did not tell me to turn so I kept believing it and driving blindly into the sameness of Ohio.
By the time I realized that the GPS was taking me the back roads, I didn't know if it would be faster to turn around or keep going, so I kept going. In the meantime Tbaby had finished up the surgery and it was all good news. Very good news, and there was a possibility that she could come home that night, so I knew I had to get to the hospital - I was their ride.
We won't know all of it until the results come back, but it was all good, couldn't be better, and I knew my job was done.
By 4 am I knew if I didn't try and get some sleep then I was not going to be any good that day, so I turned off all equipment and headed to bed. Seven comes awful soon if you go to bed at 4. But we needed to get the children off to school and Tbaby off to the hospital, so I didn't feel the lack of sleep. We got admitted right in, and they took Tbaby right in for the first part, but then it became a waiting game.
I do have to say that Tbaby certainly knows how to charm people. She got the charisma gene, whereas I got none. In fact, all my siblings except for me got that gene. It has always amazed me how people just want to be around my siblings, no matter what they are doing or how they are treating people. But I digress, Tbaby was witty, and funny and open and charming and she had all the nurses and doctors fawning over her. It was a thing of beauty.
But then we waited. We had to get there at 10 am, and the surgery was suppose to be at 3 pm, but by 2 pm I knew they weren't going to take her in before I had to leave to pick up the chitlins. So Tbaby asked that I leave a little early to beat traffic, so off I went.
It actually is a good thing that I left early, because I got completely and totally lost. I didn't have a clue where I was or how I was suppose to find the car that we parked two buildings from the hospital. Unlike the other hospitals I have been too, this hospital seemed to have numerous entrances, and I ended up at one I had never ever seen before. I didn't know if I was still in Ohio by the time I got out of the building, more like a space warp, and I didn't think I would have any problem finding Neil street, but when I found a map of you are here I walked in what I supposed was the correct direction only to find another map saying you are here and finding I had gone in the exact opposite direction.
I was hoping to get home to use the bathroom, but by the time I got home, it was running a little late and I had to go pick up Little T. I got to Little T on time (though I did make a little detour to the high school - dang all of Ohio streets look the same) but she decided I needed to be punished because I was there at 2:45 instead of 2:40. So I had to wait in line until I got to the front of the line (about 10 minutes) before she would get in the car. I asked why she didn't get in the car before I got to the head of the line and she said that she wasn't suppose to. I said other kids were - and she said if other kids eat horse manure am I suppose to? Hmm - okay.
So I went and picked up Little R and I went back to the hospital. I inputted the hospital into the GPS and off I went. As I was passing the freeway entrance that I thought I was suppose to take, the GPS did not tell me to turn so I kept believing it and driving blindly into the sameness of Ohio.
By the time I realized that the GPS was taking me the back roads, I didn't know if it would be faster to turn around or keep going, so I kept going. In the meantime Tbaby had finished up the surgery and it was all good news. Very good news, and there was a possibility that she could come home that night, so I knew I had to get to the hospital - I was their ride.
We won't know all of it until the results come back, but it was all good, couldn't be better, and I knew my job was done.
Day 386 - November 1, 2011
Today was preop and to say the least it was very stressful. I think that it is a family trait to lash out at those we love the most when we are most stressed, but for those around it can be a little uncomfortable. I ended up taking a couple of walks just to get away from the tension (not for exercise in other words.)
The word cancer is a dirty word, it doesn't matter what kind of cancer, if someone tells you you have cancer you feel like you have been slapped in the face. And until it is gone it is something that can potentially end your life. So to live with that for a month can add a bit of stress to your life.
But children don't seem to want to acknowledge illness in their parents (I know I never did) a child is so vulnerable that they just can't accept that their parents are vulnerable as well. So when you tell your child your sick you just might get a response like "can we go to the mall tomorrow after you get back from surgery?"
So take it personally, because they need to think everything is okay. No matter what.
The word cancer is a dirty word, it doesn't matter what kind of cancer, if someone tells you you have cancer you feel like you have been slapped in the face. And until it is gone it is something that can potentially end your life. So to live with that for a month can add a bit of stress to your life.
But children don't seem to want to acknowledge illness in their parents (I know I never did) a child is so vulnerable that they just can't accept that their parents are vulnerable as well. So when you tell your child your sick you just might get a response like "can we go to the mall tomorrow after you get back from surgery?"
So take it personally, because they need to think everything is okay. No matter what.
Day 385 - October 31, 2011
So I spent the whole (and I mean whole) day traveling. I woke up at 3 am to make a 6 am flight. However, this time I didn't panic about not finding my seat belt extenders. Since I have been on a plane a little heavier I haven't had any problems with the seats or the seat belts. And I did fit. And I did eat the meal they offered, and I was hoping I would get another meal as well, but no such luck. So I went to bed hungry - and I woke up hungry, but I did make it through that day with nothing to do but read and ride planes.
I got to Tbaby's just in time for trick or treating, and I got to see the famous house that R made, it was really a show piece. And all the kids seemed to be having a great time. Even LR wanted to cut short trick or treating so he could scare people. Hmm - I don't think he is one of us - food vs fun? I think I would pick food every time.
I got to Tbaby's just in time for trick or treating, and I got to see the famous house that R made, it was really a show piece. And all the kids seemed to be having a great time. Even LR wanted to cut short trick or treating so he could scare people. Hmm - I don't think he is one of us - food vs fun? I think I would pick food every time.
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