Day 391 - Swimming Blues

So I swam at the indoor pool at Rossmoor yesterday and though not as nice as the outdoor pool it was adequate.  I haven't swum for a week, so I was not expecting miracles, but dang it wasn't a great workout.

I was amazed the pool actually had a current - so swimming one way I was in misery and swimming the other way, well I hardly had to swim.  But the feel of swimming with the current was wonderful.   I felt fast and furious, and I could take one stroke and pause and go a whole yard.  Yes that is how strong it was.

We proceeded to the Cheese Cake Factory after the swim - big mistake.  Swimming makes me really want to eat, so I didn't exercise the best control, all my hard work in Ohio is slowly disappearing.  Bah.

One thing I noticed having K here and Tbaby in Ohio, that people of normal size really don't eat a whole lot.  The house in Ohio was filled with potato chips, ice cream, candy, cookies - everything an obese person would want and I think I saw Tbaby eat one cookie and had one bowl of ice cream, but very little else.  Here we bought K all sorts of food, and  she eats infrequently.  I have found myself asking her are you hungry do you want something to eat.  Finally I told her that I was going to rely on her to eat or not, but I found myself that night asking her again.

It is more then a hostess thing, but I don't really know exactly what it is.  I am like the mother who says eat - eat.  

Day 390 - Why I don't tell people I am dieting

Dieting is hard without people watching over you to see if you stay on the straight and narrow or to have them watch you to see what you are doing.  I had a rather difficult time in Ohio knowing that they were watching what I was doing.  It isn't a matter of how much they care, in fact having someone say don't ask her she can't have just pisses me off.

This is my journey, and I have never liked anyone telling me what I can and cannot do.  I need to feel in charge, especially when it comes to what I put in my mouth.  I do not - can not have people tell me - even if they are thinking they are being supportive -  I can't eat something.

I felt like they thought I had no control.  Just by looking at something or being offered something I do not have the will or won't power to turn it down.  Don't offer it to her she is on a diet.  What???  Am I some kind of vampire that the mere sight of blood will send me into a feeding frenzy?  That is just nuts.  And even though they thought that they were being supportive, they were actually being pretty condescending.

Furthermore, to be introduced as my SIL who is half her size is pretty embarrassing as well.  They don't know me and they don't really care, but my weight has defined me for too long, I am tired of it still defining me.

This is one of the many reasons I do not like to tell people that I am dieting.   

Day 389 - November 4, 2011 - Travel home and bed

I think the title says it all. 

Day 388 - November 3, 2011 - Recovery

It was nothing but a relaxing day, in front of the TV eating popcorn and bon bons.  I promised Little T if her parents would let her I would take her to the mall that day, so I went to pick her up at the school.  I got there about 2:45 (same time less stress) and I got in line.  The next thing I knew she was opening up the door.  Hey, I thought you had to wait until I got to the front of the line.  She ignored me.  I guess she does eat horse manure.

Little T was having her first school dance and we had to find something to wear.  We did though I was having doubts.  Without B along I can really pick clothes for pre-teens.  I am always going for the older look, but Little T finally found something she liked and we started home.  I was told to leave before five or I would be sitting in traffic for hours, so I was pushing Little T out the door and hoping to beat the traffic.  I finally pulled my ace card - I have to go to the bathroom, lets go.  It worked until we got home and Little T kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom yet.  I finally went just to shut her up.  Oh the things you do to make it all work.

So I was leaving at 7 am, and I thought I should try and get some sleep before I left, so I went to bed early.  Little T came and slept with me and read to me until she couldn't read anymore and we both turned on our alarms and hit the sack.  Life is good - ya know.

Day 387 - November 2, 2011 - Surgery

Well it was a hurry up and wait type day.  I couldn't sleep that night, so I finished my book I was reading, and I didn't really want to start another book, but I still wasn't sleepy, but as I was waiting for something to do, my 23 and me results came back, so I had fun looking at those.

By 4 am I knew if I didn't try and get some sleep then I was not going to be any good that day, so I turned off all equipment and headed to bed.  Seven comes awful soon if  you go to bed at 4.  But we needed to get the children off to school and Tbaby off to the hospital, so I didn't feel the lack of sleep.  We got admitted right in, and they took Tbaby right in for the first part, but then it became a waiting game.

I do have to say that Tbaby certainly knows how to charm people.  She got the charisma gene, whereas I got none.  In fact, all my siblings except for me got that gene.  It has always amazed me how people just want to be around my siblings, no matter what they are doing or how they are treating people.  But I digress, Tbaby was witty, and funny and open and charming and she had all the nurses and doctors fawning over her.  It was a thing of beauty.

But then we waited.  We had to get there at 10 am, and the surgery was suppose to be at 3 pm, but by 2 pm I knew they weren't going to take her in before I had to leave to pick up the chitlins.  So Tbaby asked that I leave a little early to beat traffic, so off I went.

It actually is a good thing that I left early, because I got completely and totally lost.  I didn't have a clue where I was or how I was suppose to find the car that we parked two buildings from the hospital.  Unlike the other hospitals I have been too, this hospital seemed to have numerous entrances, and I ended up at one I had never ever seen before.  I didn't know if I was still in Ohio by the time I got out of the building, more like a space warp, and I didn't think I would have any problem finding Neil street, but when I found a map of you are here I walked in what I supposed was the correct direction only to find another map saying you are here and finding I had gone in the exact opposite direction.

I was hoping to get home to use the bathroom, but by the time I got home, it was running a little late and I had to go pick up Little T.  I got to Little T on time (though I did make a little detour to the high school - dang all of Ohio streets look the same) but she decided I needed to be punished because I was there at 2:45 instead of 2:40.  So I had to wait in line until I got to the front of the line (about 10 minutes) before she would get in the car.  I asked why she didn't get in the car before I got to the head of the line and she said that she wasn't suppose to.  I said other kids were - and she said if other kids eat horse manure am I suppose to?  Hmm - okay.

So I went and picked up Little R and I went back to the hospital.  I inputted the hospital into the GPS and off I went.  As I was passing the freeway entrance that I thought I was suppose to take, the GPS did not tell me to turn so I kept believing it and driving blindly into the sameness of Ohio.

By the time I realized that the GPS was taking me the back roads, I didn't know if it would be faster to turn around or keep going, so I kept going.  In the meantime Tbaby had finished up the surgery and it was all good news.  Very good news, and there was a possibility that she could come home that night, so I knew I had to get to the hospital - I was their ride.

We won't know all of it until the results come back, but it was all good, couldn't be better, and I knew my job was done.

Day 386 - November 1, 2011

Today was preop and to say the least it was very stressful.  I think that it is a family trait to lash out at those we love the most when we are most stressed, but for those around it can be a little uncomfortable.  I ended up taking a couple of walks just to get away from the tension (not for exercise in other words.)

The word cancer is a dirty word, it doesn't matter what kind of cancer, if someone tells you you have cancer you feel like you have been slapped in the face.  And until it is gone it is something that can potentially end your life.  So to live with that for a month can add a bit of stress to your life.

But children don't seem to want to acknowledge illness in their parents (I know I never did) a child is so vulnerable that they just can't accept that their parents are vulnerable as well.  So when you tell your child your sick you just might get a response like "can we go to the mall tomorrow after you get back from surgery?"

So take it personally, because they need to think everything is okay.  No matter what.

 

Day 385 - October 31, 2011

So I spent the whole (and I mean whole) day traveling.  I woke up at 3 am to make a 6 am flight.  However, this time I didn't panic about not finding my seat belt extenders.  Since I have been on a plane a little heavier I haven't had any problems with the seats or the seat belts.  And I did fit.  And I did eat the meal they offered, and I was hoping I would get another meal as well, but no such luck.  So I went to bed hungry - and I woke up hungry, but I did make it through that day with nothing to do but read and ride planes.

I got to Tbaby's just in time for trick or treating, and I got to see the famous house that R made, it was really a show piece.  And all the kids seemed to be having a great time.  Even LR wanted to cut short trick or treating so he could scare people.  Hmm - I don't think he is one of us - food vs fun?  I think I would pick food every time.