Day 582 - Day 39 of the redo

So day 39 does not bring much in the way of ahhah moments.  It was a long drive home, and while I did swim at GV, I couldn't get the right "speed" and I thought it should be faster, but...it is hard to swim against a current.  When swimming laps, you can count your laps, have sort of a sense of accomplishment, but swimming in place is just a bit boring.  And it is hard to do drills.  It is even hard to figure whether or not you are swimming correctly.  Actually it is all just a big pain in the butt.

But I couldn't get up and go swimming today, I was just too tired.  One of these days I am going to have the energy I had before.  When is the only question.

Day 580 - I don't have my calendar how many days left?

So I spend half my days looking at the calendar hoping the time will go by faster.  When will I be done?  How many more months is it until I can eat again.  Why is it so hard this time.

But on the plus side, I have thirty-five pounds to go.  That seems so much more manageable then even fifty-five.

There are many things that I can now do.  If I forget my PJ's, I  can go to walmart or kmart and buy some that will fit.  I can fit in a chair, I can order any tickets to any show and fit in the seats, I don't need to worry about airplanes.  I can take helicopter rides, I don't have to worry that they say I can't go because I am too heavy.  I can go on roller coasters, and other amusement rides, and I probably could ride a horse if I wanted to and wouldn't have to worry about breaking its back.

I look in the mirror and I see what I expect to see now.  I don't turn my eyes away, or want to scream at the mirror telling me it is lying.  I don't have to worry about pictures, because the truth is the truth, and I can accept that I am overweight now, but not as overweight as I used to be.

I can walk anywhere.  I don't have to worry about where I park because I can walk.  Yes - amazing!  I don't worry about hills, or heat, I can walk with ease.  I don't worry about having a heart attack walking up a hill, or worry about my shoe lace coming untied, I can bend down and tie it.  I don't have to worry about falling down, because I can pick myself back up.

I don't worry that I look fat in a swim suit.  I don't care if I look fat in a swim suit.  I am swimming.  Two years ago, I wouldn't go out without a long sleeved shirt and long pants, no matter how hot it was.  Now I can go out it short sleeves, and if they don't like my flabby arms they can stick it.

I don't worry that some young punk is going to come up to me and call me a fat slob.  I don't worry that the waiters or waitress look at me and wonder if I will fit in a booth.  I don't worry about people who love me feel they have to be careful what they say about my weight.

I don't worry that I will lose a job because I am too fat.  I don't worry that people think I am stupid because I am so fat.  I don't worry that I will die in my sleep because I am too fat.

So why would I want to gain it all back?  I worry about that.  I worry that I will get complacent and all I think about right now is food.  So what will stop me?  Well I like being so worry free.  I think that is a good enough reason.  But still I want Indian food.  In fact that is the first thing I am going to have when I am done with this phase of it.  Yes siree Indian food it is.

Day 579 - Yikes

This has to be one of the worse days I have had since starting.  I just want to throw in the towel, and say enough.  I don't care anymore.  It was a really crappy day.

I got up and went swimming.  I decided that I would swim four times a week, minimum no matter what, but when I got in I was finding it difficult swimming.  Hard, tiring, fatiguing.  You name it.  But I did the work out I was planning and I got no cramps.  The Zero Water probably helped.

But that was it for the day.  We came up to GV, and I slept the whole way up, got up here and slept, then went to bed at 7:30 and slept until 8:30 the next morning.  And in between the sleep all I wanted to do was eat.  TH got dip and I wanted to take my finger and just dip it into the dip and eat it like that, then he had baked potatoes and all I wanted to do was grab it and eat it raw.  Everything - anything I just wanted to eat.  I didn't care if I didn't normally like it I wanted to eat it.  Eat anything but those stupid shakes.

Dr. C told me that this intense hunger is probably from low blood sugar, and I should eat another product, which I did, and it did not help.    If I was a drug addict I would have been on the phone to my sponsor last night.  It was that bad.

If every time I do a normal swimming workout this happens, I won't make it through the next ten weeks.  But I don't want to give up swimming.   But I really can't go through what I went through yesterday.  And even eating an extra product did not help, so...I just don't know what to do.

Other exercise doesn't do this to me, so maybe I should give up swimming until this is over.  Oh who knows.  

Day 578 - Group was boring!!!

I have to say that I find this group a bit more boring then the last group.  One person has lost 50 pounds in five weeks, I don't know if anyone in our group lost fifty pounds the first five weeks, maybe B, but I don't remember.  It seems like an awful lot of weight to lose in five weeks, but some people can just lose weight like that you know.  Unfortunately I am not one of them.

But I was clock watching the whole time.  I wish it was a more interactive group, but this is more instructional? She spent a lot of time talking, or at least it felt that way.  I am missing my old facilitator, no matter what her flaws she is better then this one.  Oh well.

So I walk to Kaiser, kind of keeping up the tradition of the walk without my pal, not as fun, but still getting in the exercise.  Did I say I finally found shoes that seem to fit.

I don't remember it being this hard last time, I think I need to go and recheck earlier posts, I am finding this time around very very hard.

Day 577 - Weigh in - swimming

So I woke up this morning and weighed my self and found that I hadn't lost anything.  All that pain and agony and I came back the same that I left.

But I did get up in time to get to the pool for my weekly lesson.  BUT... I forgot my water and my breakfast so I really had no energy at all.  Plus I hadn't swum for a week and how many times can you do that and come out ahead?

I was so worried about the none weight loss that I decided that I would walk again to class.  This time I tried a pair of boots and I am happy to report there were no blisters this time.  They also were a wide - which I am thinking is the problem with all my other shoes.  I always thought a medium was the same as a wide.  So I have one other pair that is a wide, I will try that one tomorrow.

Day 576 - Tuesday home

We got up early and I got home at a decent hour, able to put in a few hours of work.  But I was tired and ready for the bed when the time came around.  I did worry that I wouldn't be able to wake up for swimming tomorrow, but...

Holidays are so fun, but it is always nice to be home again.

Day 575 - Last day in Reno

So yesterday was Big D's 86th birthday, what a day it was.  Craps, Slots and big wins and losses.  In the end I ended up with a net loss, but it was fun.

No exercise, no swimming, no nothing, but I stay true to the course and I may have made it through this third obstacle.   One can only hope.