Day 324 - Crazy girl with the crazy words

Okay before I start in on the blog I have a confession to make.  I got weighed, went for a walk, but the facilitator wasn't there so I left.  Whew that feels good to get that off my chest.  And I am not even catholic, but I am confessing for two, so that is doubling my punishment.

So when I was a young girl I worked with a woman who was much much older then I, she was easily 40/50 years old, and she had moved to Seattle from New York City.  She had adopted a group of us as her kids and we were always hanging out at her house, and during that time she shared many secrets with us.  One of those secrets was a journal (or to be more precise 21 journals) she kept while living in NYC.

She was rotund, and was always working on losing weight.  She was living with her boyfriend of many many years, but he was much younger then she was.  They weren't married, but by NY common law they were (or so she said.)

Her journals told the journey of loneliness, drugs, betrayal, sex, violence, really it would have been a very dark movie.  And the first 10 journals were fascinating, but I never made it to the end.  She poured her heart and soul into these pieces of paper, you saw a woman  that was just a little step out of reality, and you felt like you were in a place you really shouldn't be.  Her world, so totally alien to me, left me empty/drained/hurt/sad. Never could I think of her the same after reading those journals. Granted I was very naive, but even if I read them today I think that I would still have a very similar reaction.

But  I soon found that they were repeating, I start reading one page and think I just read that, and soon it became clear that her journals didn't lend to a conclusive journey but more to an never-ending circle.  And the sadness permeated the pages.  She on the other hand was always jovial, laughing, making everyone else laugh.  I loved being around her.  Until I read the journals.

I had forgotten about those journals until just now.  Sometimes I speak what is in my heart, and I have to wonder is it to much?  It is a very brave person who shows their soul and I am not that brave.  Definitely not as brave as this woman was.  If she is still alive she must be 70/80 years old, I wonder if she completed her journey?

Day 323 - Sigh

Sometimes I forget why I am writing this.  Do I have something to say everyday about the diet?  No not really, but I promised to write everyday on the program and I have been trying to keep that promise - the commitment to the blog is the commitment to the program.  But it does get really difficult at times to come up with something new to say everyday.  And sometimes I can't come up with something new to say at all.

I suppose to be a true diet blog I should say I had 3 cups of lettuce for lunch and 5 ounces of chicken for dinner baked in its juices with just a dash of paprika.   But that isn't interesting to me.  Not that my daily grind is interesting either, but the question is - has the daily grind changed at all with the weight loss.

Sometimes I think a lot about the process, sometimes I don't think about it at all.  This weekend someone said that they exercise to eat, and I know that is how it will be for me if I want to eat more then 500 calories a day, but I want to exercise to exercise.  I will never do it if I think that I am exercising to eat.

Nothing magical happened to get me here, and I always worry that I won't go any further.  I woke up today and my scale was three pounds heavier then when I came home this weekend.  That is two pounds up from last week.  Panic?  No, but I am going to take a sauna, exercise for four hours, and go walking with J.  That will be good for at least two of  the pounds - then we can worry about next week next week.

Day 322 - All caught up

Well after 10 days in Washington and 4 days in Lair of the Bear and coming up I will be 6 days in Telluride I will have to come back and refocus on the diet.  Again I am tempted to go back to product, maybe for a few days.  I have to fast the day I get back, so it might be good just to take the rest of the week on product.  I don't know - will have to see how I feel when I get back.

But it has been challenging.  Trying to eat like a normal human doesn't come easy to me.  But I am finding that I like being in the "normal" world where I fit in a bit better then I used to.  All these little blips in my life - I have to make it work because I want it to work.  I have had fun, and the fun hasn't been focused on the food, but there has been that aspect of it that has been enjoyable, mainly sitting with friends eating and drinking.  Looking forward I am hoping goal we be met as planned, but I didn't lose weight over the weekend, so we can only hope that it is "water gain". 

Day 321 - One Day behind on my posts - Oski (Thank you TH for correcting the spelling) pool

So the night before there was port and chocolate (dark bitter chocolate not the good sweet kind) but the port was delicious.  As we ate I was just hoping and praying that I had done enough exercise during the day to make up for the port, champagne and chocolate.

As I stood up after that lovely tasting I felt my knee just screaming at me.  Literally screaming.  I did another first that day - Zumba.  Zumba is horrible.  I will never do Zumba again.  I was uncoordinated and couldn't get the steps.  If I had trouble figuring out how to kayak you can imagine the trouble I had with Zumba then times it by ten.  But as I tried to Zumba I wrenched my knee a couple of times and though I didn't have any problem with walking the bending of the knee was something else.

We got to bed early but I couldn't get a comfortable position because I wanted to straighten my leg, but the cot wasn't long enough.  I took some pain medications, but I really wanted my gloucasmine and I didn't bring that along.  But after some fighting with the bugs and fighting with the sleeping bag I finally fell asleep.

I was really excited about the day because I was going to be working with LZ on my swim strokes.  That is why were looking for the Oski pool.  So I went for my morning swim and T2 went for her morning workout, and I met up with LZ in the dining hall to coordinate with her.  She came up to me and said I have some bad news and my heart just sank - but all it was was I didn't have to walk to the d*** Oski pool.

I was so excited, and I got her all to myself for 10 minutes - I tell you sometimes life is just too perfect.

The lesson went well, but at the end I was trying to show T2 how the turns have changed, so I whipped my legs around to do a flip and I was sure I heard something pop in my knee.  It hurt  - but stopped after a while so I thought all would be good, but on the walk back I felt it a little.  Then when I sat for lunch I heard it pop and the thought of sleeping in that bag again another night made my head spin - so we packed up and came home.

It was wonderful - and life changing as I hope to talk about in the future.  So many new and exciting experiences. 

Day 320 - Two days behind - KAYAKING

So I was so pleased that I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, only to discover - oh gosh I forgot to take my pills.  Since one is a water pill, it kind of makes sense.  Also it made me think maybe it is time for me to talk to the doc about it.  Any way I digress.

So T2 was planning on going to yoga at 7:15 am again, and told me I should consider going to the lap swim and get some stroke tips.  Anyone who knows me knows I have problems doing "new" things.  I am "shy" and feel awkward and uncomfortable in new situations.  I always thought if only I lost the weight I wouldn't feel that way any more.  Truthfully - I didn't worry about my weight at this event, but I still was shy.  Dang I guess it wasn't the weight that made me shy.  Anyway she was a little surprised that I went to the swim alone yesterday, and truthfully I was too.  So as she tried to talk me into going to the laps class - I just didn't think I could do it, but I woke up at the break of dawn, and well why not.

There is something about being a little awkward around people, when we first got to camp we met a woman who had come to camp alone, and she was a bit shy and awkward too.  I was amazed that she had actually had the courage to come all by herself.  I wanted to give her a big hug (if I was the hugging type) and tell her she was doing great, but instead I prayed that T2 would get there fast because between the two of us we were having one big awkward moment.  T2 did finally show and saved us from ourselves.  But somewhere in my head her courage resonated and if she could come to something like this without knowing anyone and being a shy and awkward person I could be brave too.

So off I went to class.  Mind you I haven't swum for 37 years, so I was a bit nervous about it, and I was nervous that I would have - well lost "it".  And when I got there I saw the instructor and chatted with her for a bit then someone else got there, and the instructor asked if she wanted some instruction.  She didn't ask me, and I wondered if it was because she thought I didn't know how to swim or she thought that I would be a dud, or maybe thought I was just to big.  When I told her I hadn't swum for 37 years she did say I could swim in the shallow end if that would make me more comfortable.  I did my nervous little laugh and said I thought I could manage the deep end - that I did still know how to swim.

The pool couldn't have been more then 10 meters, and after swimming four laps I was exhausted.  So I stopped to listen to the instructor talk to the other swimmer, then she looked at me questioningly.  She asked if I wanted some instruction as well, and I said sure - that would be great.  Then it happened, the sun came out and I got validated.  She said I saw you swim and you have a beautiful stroke.  But you need to work on...

Happy dance.

Oh I tried really hard to hear what she was saying, but all I heard was your a natural.

The problem - I have absolutely no strength  left.  All my muscles have turned to mush and even she thought I should have been more powerful then I was.  You have a strong stroke, but no strength to go with it - poor me.  

After the class we were planning on going kayaking - again something I have never done in my life.  I wasn't really worried about it, because I feel comfortable in the water so I knew if I capsized I could swim away.  But I thought they would give me some instructions before sending us out on our own.

So when we got to the kayaking place instead of feeling comfortable and confident I started to freak out a little.  I have trouble getting up still because of my knees, and the kayak was low, I wasn't sure I would be able to get into or out of it.  Furthermore, we were told we wouldn't need to wear a swim suit and tennis shoes were fine, and I could see that it was already wet in the boat so just getting in I was going to be wet.

I started to worry worry worry.  T2 asked if I wanted to go alone and I almost started to cry.  No I needed my security blanket right then, and T2 just happened to be wearing it, so I had to go with T2.  I know I sound like one huge scaredy cat, but - well I guess I am.

They handed T2 two paddles and I went up to get my paddles and T2 asked what I was doing.  I looked at her like she was a little slow and said getting my paddles.  No, she gently explained I have your paddle, do you really think I can use two paddles?  Duh.  You know I have been in boats before, but they all had two oars - but when I stopped and looked at the paddles I saw that well you know.

So I get into the back of the boat, (without tipping mind you) thinking that was the place for the weaker kayaker.  So as we are heading out of the harbor (with absolutely no instruction whatsoever) T2 informs me that the back person is the one in charge.  So she tells me to guide the boat out.  What???!!!  So I start paddling on the right side as she paddles on the left, and she informs me that we need to paddle on the same side of the boat.

By now I know everyone thinks that I must be just a teensy bit slow on the mental side, but I had it in my head that we were suppose to row on opposite sides.  I just couldn't figure it out and in the mean time we are crashing into buoys and dingys and docks while narrowly avoiding fellow kayakers.

So T2 is yelling at me to turn the kayak right so  I start paddling on the right side and we go slamming into the dock -again- along with a completely soaking.  I look around hoping that Z and her friends haven't seen me make a complete fool of myself, and breath a big sigh of relief - no one in sight, oh yea except for that paddle boat that we rammed.

T2 tells me I need to pay more attention - I am a bit of a gawker.  Sometimes when I am driving I get caught up in the scenery or the accident that I don't always pay attention to the road, then I will hear this high pitch squeal = bad T bad T watch the road watch the road oh my god were going to run into that car oh no watch the ditch oh my god we are going over the cliff - you know I do pay attention, only sometimes do I get side tracked and they have those marvelous groves on the side that lets you know you went off the road so I don't know what her problem is.

Anyway this is getting way to long.  We made it safely back to dock.  And I realized I am very weak in the arms -
    

Day 319 - Three days behind on my posts - oh boy we have a swimming pool

So we had a great happy hour then it was time for bed.  But the first thing that surprised me was the food.  Not that it was good or bad, but how it was served.  I was expecting to go into the dining hall and have a plate with my food served to me.  Instead we had these blue trays that we were to pile our food on.  The food came on these big platters and they were passed around and refilled as necessary.  All of this was fine until I saw them walk up to one table and asked if they were done and turned around an put it on another table.  Coming from the world of food service I was initially horrified to see that, then I realized what does it matter it is just getting passed along the table anyway.  But every time it happened my little service brain did a little twitch.

The next day was full of activities, one of which was an early morning swimming exercise.  T2 had planned to get up to go to the 7:15 yoga, so I thought I would sleep in and go to the 7:45 morning water exercise - that way I could sleep in which I love to do.  However, as is my wont I did have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and to do that I had to cross hill and dale.  The night before T2 and given me instructions so I would know how to get from the bathroom to the tent (they all look alike) now here is this big boulder and here is this little patch of rocks you want to turn right after that.   So when I did have to go to the bathroom at two in the morning I could easily find my way back.

I woke up as usual and it was freezing, and I thought no - I am not going to get up.  It is all in my head I can hold it until light.  So I forced myself back to sleep only to wake up 45 minutes later in dire need.  I pulled myself out of the sleeping bag and headed out the door.  I got about half way there when I discovered I had forgotten to put my glasses on, so I traipsed back to the tent put my glasses on and headed back out.  When I went it was more like a trickle then a stream and I thought - hmm I could have held that.  Back in the tent I grabbed my phone to see what time it was and found it was 3:30 - I had four more hours of sleep - three hours later I finally dozed off.

The swimming was fine -but not so hard, the walk was fine, but not so hard, but trying to find the Oskie pool - now that I nearly died.  It felt like it was going on a 100 degrees and I felt like I kept climbing and climbing and climbing.  Panting, telling T2 maybe we could drive - its all down hill back, lets get the car and drive to the pool (have to save it for another blog why I had to find the Oskie pool) after awhile I really started to whine, I am not walking to Oskie pool, I am going to drive when I go, then 50 minutes into the walk I am starting to panic.  No way are we going to get to the Oskie pool and back in time for my first ever massage.  We finally gave up on trying to find the pool only to later discover we were less then a quarter mile from it.  But I was tired and sopping wet and wanted/needed to take a shower before the massage.  As we were walking back I started whining to T2 that maybe we could drive to the massage parlor - but as usually she ignored me.  I am beginning to believe that when I whine she has an off switch and really doesn't hear a word I say.

Yes, I had a massage.  How did I like it - well when she said okay we are done now -my response was Yay!!  I was absolutely horrified that I had said that, and I just didn't know how I was going to fix such rudeness, so I didn't try.  But I gave a bigger tip then I was originally going to give.  Enough said.

A very full day of activity, and by the time we got back from our massages (it was T2's birthday don't you know) it was time for happy hour.  Two glasses of champagne later, I was definitely feeling good as we headed to dinner.    The only thing I remember of dinner was the dessert.  I was going to try and eat like a normal person on this trip and that included deserts.  Deserts are us.  This desert was so scrumptious I had to stop eating it after the first bite.  I knew if I didn't I would go back and eat the entire tray and probably go from table to table taking crumbs off my fellow campers plates.  It was delicious.

Then to top off the most perfect day was a talk from LZ who swam the english channel in 1994.  She was one of the best speakers, engaging, funny and of course very very nice.  She was suppose to talk from 8-9pm, but she stayed and talked until 10pm.   (She has now become my number one hero.)  So off to bed and to tell the truth I slept very very good - I didn't even wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break - the first time in like 10 years.  Wow is camping wonderful or what.

Day 318 - Four days behind - At Camp Blue

So surprisingly I was not nervous about it at all as far as I knew.  I had no idea what so ever what this camping experience was going to be like, but I was a little concerned about the bathrooms.  I asked Z before hand if they were outhouses, and she assured me they weren't, but on my last camping trip they told me there were bathrooms and there weren't.  I DO NOT CONSIDER OUTHOUSES BATHROOMS.

When she assured me that they flushed I got a little concerned about the showers, and she assured me that there were showers.  Then I started to worry that they were public showers like in high school.  I had decided at that point that I could go three days without a shower, maybe the people around me couldn't handle it but that was just too bad.

So I packed up the car, I took sheets, blankets, futon, and sleeping bag.  When I had everything packed in the car I made up a list of the things I still needed to get, and oh yea I still had to get T2's stuff in the car - so I asked her if she would mind holding her suitcase as the trunk of the car was already full.  When she saw the futon taking up half the car she told me to take it out.  But but but I am afraid the mattress will be too hard.  She gave me this odd little look and said mattress?   Yea mattress - Z told me that they had little cots with mattresses on them.   


When she had stopped laughing she told me she was sure that we would be fine, that the mattress *would not* be too hard and that would mean that I could drive and not sit in the front seat holding her suitcase.

So we stopped three times to get the necessary ingredients for the trip and then headed up the mountain.  We made good time, and got checked in and unpacked.

But before we did anything I had to check out the bathrooms to make sure that we were really going to stay.  Sure enough they flushed.  And to my delight and I am sure everyone else's relief they had individual shower stalls - So we were off to a really really good start.

Z showed up minutes after us and I knew it was going to be a great weekend.