Day 298 - Travel Day 2 - Walk

So the second day of travel we had some time on our hands and decided to go for a walk.  As usual the conversation was mostly about my dieting (my obsession at the moment) and my changed behavior.  But T2 posed a question about how I felt when I looked upon people who were my size when I started the journey.  My first response was to think that they repulse me, I repulsed myself at that weight so I was sure that they repulsed me as well.  Speaking that out loud made me feel like I was a hypocrite and more.  How could I not have compassion for people who are in my shoes?  How can I find morbidly obese people repulsive?  What right did I have to judge them.

So I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to justify my answer.  It embarrassed me, and I didn't want it to be true.  I went looking for large people to try and gauge my reaction to them, and hope I wasn't repulsed.  The problem was there wasn't anybody as large as I was around.  I have always been an outlaying on the bell curve and my weight is no different.  People my size just isn't seen that much.  Nobody I saw that day was large enough to repulse me. 

So I had to think what it is that repulsed me.  And the only thing that came to mind was when I watch Dune and saw Baron Harkonnen.  He was so repulsive on so many levels that I started to associate that level of obesity with the character.  So when I would really look at myself I saw this big obese floating man  with plugs in and boils and I just can't get around it.  It grosses me out.  But it is a certain level of obesity that gets me.  And as I pointed out - there is a certain level of thinness that repulses me as well.   Do I judge the individual for being to thin or to fat, I don't think you can get around it.  Not who they are, but what they do.  Similar to how you would judge an alcoholic or drug user - surprisingly similar.  And my reaction is the same - they need help, but you can't help them unless they want to be helped.  Do I understand what they are going through, yes absolutely, do I understand their struggles, again yes, could I help them, probably not.   I couldn't be helped.  I tried, I read books, I read blogs, and talked about diets, diet camps, and surgery.  I talked until I was blue in the face.  People ask how come this time.  I don't know.  Maybe I was just ready.  I will have to ponder that for another post.