So for all these years I have blamed not getting jobs, and people disrespecting me on my weight. So when it happened last week I was like is this for real? I am an intelligent professional and you are talking to me like I am some kind of moron. And I know you are not doing it because you think I am fat and stupid. So what am I to blame this on?
For twenty years I have blamed not getting a job, or people arguing with me on something to be attributed to my weight. Or people don't want to talk to me because I am fat and ugly. Well at my age ugly doesn't matter, so when people still don't talk with me I have to reevaluate the reason for this.
I hate confrontation, and I hated confrontation when I was heavy more then anything. I was always waiting for some rude SOB to say "and furthermore your a fat pig." Cut me to the quick. Hurt my feelings. I didn't want to ever go there because I never wanted to put myself in that position that that would be said to me.
So when I found myself arguing with some jerk, I started to go down a different path, one that I was wrong and he was right. I started to doubt my knowledge and ability and I felt well less. It was eye opening that I felt this way and I wasn't attributing it to my weight. I did not like feeling less, and I really didn't like feeling less without having something "inconsequential" so to speak to fall back on.
So I am insecure, but I don't want to think of myself as having some defect in my intellect or personality, I would rather have the defect caused because I was too fat, and if only I could lose the weight then I wouldn't have that defect anymore. Guess what - the weight had nothing to do with it.
Without that weight to accuse for my many downfalls, I find myself having to look myself in the eye and say it is you. I can't say that my only flaw is that I am overweight. I guess I am flawed but this is just to much to process. I am just beginning to understand the weight thing, now I have to look at something else. ACK.
For twenty years I have blamed not getting a job, or people arguing with me on something to be attributed to my weight. Or people don't want to talk to me because I am fat and ugly. Well at my age ugly doesn't matter, so when people still don't talk with me I have to reevaluate the reason for this.
I hate confrontation, and I hated confrontation when I was heavy more then anything. I was always waiting for some rude SOB to say "and furthermore your a fat pig." Cut me to the quick. Hurt my feelings. I didn't want to ever go there because I never wanted to put myself in that position that that would be said to me.
So when I found myself arguing with some jerk, I started to go down a different path, one that I was wrong and he was right. I started to doubt my knowledge and ability and I felt well less. It was eye opening that I felt this way and I wasn't attributing it to my weight. I did not like feeling less, and I really didn't like feeling less without having something "inconsequential" so to speak to fall back on.
So I am insecure, but I don't want to think of myself as having some defect in my intellect or personality, I would rather have the defect caused because I was too fat, and if only I could lose the weight then I wouldn't have that defect anymore. Guess what - the weight had nothing to do with it.
Without that weight to accuse for my many downfalls, I find myself having to look myself in the eye and say it is you. I can't say that my only flaw is that I am overweight. I guess I am flawed but this is just to much to process. I am just beginning to understand the weight thing, now I have to look at something else. ACK.
Yes, you forgot about your other defect: you are a woman! (Consider the source.)
ReplyDeleteBeing a woman is a defect? Aren't women the "all knowing" & "always right" members of our species?
ReplyDeleteMaybe T3 just doesn't like confrontations - that IS part of her hard wiring & is one of the reasons she's with TSH (who is pretty direct).
I have observed T3's self-confidence GROWING over the last couple of years & I'm glad she's starting to believe in herself (I always did).