Day 574 - Sunday Reno -

Well we should have celebrated - yes.  This was my official 82 weeks.  (Remember I started early on Sunday) so I would have been done with the program, and trying to decide how I was going to take off the last 50 pounds.

But instead I am sitting in Reno wondering why in the world I started this whole thing again.  I mean really I must have some masochistic tendencies.  And yes I miss food.

I miss all the food, from tacos to steak to fish to potatoes to you name it.  I know that a lot of people when they get done with the program becomes vegetarians or they don't like this food or that anymore.  That didn't happen to me.  I did cut back on red meat, only because it was so very caloric.  But if I had my druthers I would probably being eating steak every day.

But because TH asked I will keep this blog going through this last phase, then I will go dark - for real.  So onward towards that illusive goal.

Day 573 - Reno

So Yup here I am in Reno, I am looking at the food (it wasn't as bad as it was in Las Vegas) and wondering what if anything I wanted to eat.

As I said before none of it would satisfy me, and I know that, which made it a bit less appealing.  I no longer want to eat until I hurt, but I want to be satisfied as well.  For me they are not mutually exclusive, so...what is more important?

I think maybe a time will come when I can control the impulse a little is good a lot is better.  I have a memory of the first time I had a Carmello bar.  I remember thinking I had died and gone to heaven with the first piece in my mouth.  I savored the piece in my mouth, and looked down at the bar in front of me, and immediately wanted to go buy another bar, I just knew that the one would just not be enough.  But after a time I wasn't getting that same feeling, and I was glad I didn't get another.

That continuous search for the first heavenly bite.

Day 572 - Off for a long weekend

As we come up towards the end of the first 82 weeks, I am off for a long weekend in the wonderful land of Reno.  So it is with trepidation that I head out.  A whole weekend of fun, but no food may be a bit diffucult.  Our yearly jaunts are partly the good food (finding the best restaurant) and just enjoying the food - company - and sights.

So it hasn't been as easy this time around, I haven't shut myself away like I did last time, so we push forward hoping I don't fall back.  I had/have five times that I figured it would be a little difficult for me, the first week with N here, TH's birthday, the trip to Reno, the trip to LV and little T.  So far I have handle three of the five, just two more to go.

I am hoping that there will be a swimming pool there so I can get some laps in.  Maybe I will find the workout room.  While they are gambling I will work out - yea right.

Day 571 - Mini Goal met

Well I have been hovering around this goal for oh I don't know eight months - I finally met it.  Can't believe that it.  Only to be disappointed that I can't wear the clothes that I was expecting to wear - oh well.

So on to the next mini goal - and this is a big one - nine pounds.  That is it nine pounds to no longer being obese.  Nine pounds I wouldn't have qualified for the program, what a difference nine pounds will make.

I am finding that the days are moving much quicker then I had originally thought they would, and I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can really start training.  Training at my goal weight, training with the proper amount of calories, and of course my morning lattes.  I think it is the second or third week weening off product that we can have milk - latte latte latte.

I know I am thinking to far ahead, but it is hard not to.  I am on the home stretch, and I think I can make it. 

Day 570 - Weigh in

Weight loss - dang.  I often wonder how it was that our cultural admires the thin.  I mean you would think heavier people would be the more attractive.  It is a survival thing, ability to store fat in times of famine.  But we don't.  Look like a greyhound not an elephant.    How did that come about?  Really?

I mean being thin used to be associated with poverty.  Not enough money to buy food, eating sporadically, being malnourished, unhealthy, and now it is just the opposite.

I am *surprised* at how many people are surprised how healthy they were considering their weight.  For many overweight individuals  lab work always came back good, maybe cholesterol a little high, blood pressure a little high, but for the most part healthy.

I am still considered obese, but my blood pressure is normal, my sugar is normal my cholesterol is normal.  Everything is normal.  My body is normal, but according to the charts I am at high risk for early death because of my weight.  Random number with a random response.

Yes being as overweight as I was was unhealthy, my blood pressure was high, and my sugar was on the border, but all other tests were normal.  I wanted to lose weight because I was morbidly obese.  My body wasn't going to be able to handle the weight too much longer, and I wasn't able to be in the "real" world as completely being that heavy.  

Now?  Now I could live completely healthy at this weight, and at this age be completely accepted at this weight.  (Notice I say at this age.)  I could stop losing weight and be happy - if I wasn't so damn competitive.  So many people in my life have thought of me as being vain.  This journey is not at all about looks for me.  True I never liked the way I looked "fat" but it didn't bother me enough to lose weight for the last 20 years.  But when I decided I wanted to do more then sit in the house and die, then I knew it was time to lose the weight.  You really can't move that much weight quickly, no matter how hard you try.  And believe me I tried.  

Day 569 - Swimming anyone

So I am not 16 anymore, and I wonder sometimes was I ever fast.  I went swimming at the gym today, and I found that I was the slowest one there.  I was probably the oldest one there too.  But that is besides the point. I read and read about these swimmers and their times, and I think I never had times like that (that I remember) how could they do that?  One person said that they had been swimming for about six months and they were doing 100's on the 1:15.  Means she had to have been doing them at about 1-1:05, my fastest was 1:05 I think.

I know I know we work on speed when I have food to fuel me, until then we work on stroke.  But I want to work on speed.  The mind is willing the body not so.

LZ is going to be going away during the summer, so I am going to have nobody working with me.  I want to keep her forever, but I think I need to have someone who works me.  I am going to have to sleep on this.

Day 568 - 26 days into the new program

It is amazing how quickly the time is going.  I can't believe it is almost a month!!!  So far I haven't crashed and burned, but I did finally have another food dream.  I dreamt that I went off the program, then I realized that I was asleep, did a big sigh of relief, went and without thinking at something (I can't remember what it was) and was like oh my god I don't believe I had a dream about eating then went and ate when I woke up.

Well I only dreamt that I woke up, but it seemed real.  In my dreams I don't normally have other senses involved in the dream (I don't smell in the dream and I don't taste) so though I ate whatever it was it didn't give me any pleasure at eating it.  Just the guilt.

I think I had these dreams early last time, I don't know if that is good or bad.