Day 202 - Repeating myself

Let us hope that I am not repeating myself to much.  To have something new to say everyday is not possible in my opinion, and after a while it probably becomes painful for those who so diligently read this blog for my sake.

This is my journey of weight loss, but like any journey it is not always (in my case seldom) filled with adventures. You need to venture out into the world in order to have adventures, and I don't do that enough.  And even when I do venture into the world, very seldom does something interesting happens.  Oh well.

Yesterday there was no adventure; however, T and I did go for a walk.  We went around the lake and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, furthermore, it took 91 minutes whereas before the accident I did it in 81 minutes and if I pushed about 75 minutes.  But I was walking as fast as was comfortable.  The foot ached a little in the beginning, but afterward it was more my knees that hurt then my foot.  Back to the Gloucosamine (sp?).

My foot did itch like crazy when I got done, and I couldn't warm up afterward, but other than that I had no problems.

Today it is almost noon, and I have a pile of work to do, but I just can't get motivated, and not getting it done is stressing me.  Maybe I should try a little?  Oh well...

Day 201 - I am not

I am curious how my eating habits have changed over the last 200 days and whether or not that change is permanent

So I tried to go back to weight watchers and see what I had tracked for food before I started this diet, but it only goes back two months so I can't go back.  But I do remember some of the things I ate.

I remember when I wanted something light to eat I would fix myself a couple grill cheese sandwiches.  Now I realize that those two grilled cheese sandwiches were at least 1000 calories - and I am now allowed about 1200-1400 per day so... If I only ate the grilled cheese I would be pretty close to the max calories

Those grilled cheese were not the only thing I ate, but it felt lighter then having a Quarter Pounder with cheese and french fries which was my staple.  I was asking TH if he thought instead of getting tired of a food that you would start to like it if you ate it all the time.  Food in point, on TFD I have chicken 7 days a week, and at least 5 days it is my main dinner.  Chicken breasts are boring and fairly tasteless, but after three months - I am beginning to actual look forward to my chicken.  I will see if I can find something that has what I ate before and after (I won't give you my weight, but I will give you an idea of what I ate if I can find it.)

Well all the writing about food has me ready for dinner.   

Day 200 - Can you believe it?

I don't think I have ever dieted for 200 days, but the nice thing about this program is it is one day at a time.  I didn't start out thinking oh I have to diet for two years to lose the weight, I started out thinking how am I going to just drink liquids for the first week.  So 200 days later...

To have weight loss surgery they tell you to lose 10% or 50 pounds or some such thing, and I always thought if you lose 10% why wouldn't you just continue on?  I know my SIL looked into the surgery and they wouldn't give it to her because she didn't lose enough - though according to her they wanted her to lose 50 pounds.  Again, if you are going to lose 50 pounds without your insides rewired why not just continue on?  It is that initial weight loss that is the hardest.  Trying to figure out what you can eat to lose the weight.  Once you have that figured out it should be easier, easy for me to say since I still don't know what to eat - I have to have the food delivered.

But I was on a weight loss forum and I love reading how much they lost, and I also like looking at the before and after pictures.  I am leaving the most interesting part out of this blog  - I know.   One person even did a little graph.  However, most of those people that lost huge amounts of weight were much younger.    Oh to be young again.

It appears that I once again am at a plateau, but I am going to break it I am.

Day 199 - Write about someone I don't know

For graduation I am suppose to write about some and talk about their journey, but I hardly have talked with them and I really don't know them.  So I make up something generic and hope it sounds personal?  Argh!!!

So again we had about 11 people at group last night and they we had an a facilitator the drove me up the wall.  She wanted us to go around and talk about what was working and what wasn't working.  So everybody this week except for J gained weight.  She was talking about how obsessive she is planning her meals for the week and cooking them on Sunday, I feel a kindred spirit.

When I spoke, I gave my nervous laugh (which nobody else does) and jumped in.  I told them about the TFD and then facilitator said how am going to afford that?  You know I found that a bit offensive.  I spent about the same amount of money for the program so I don't think that is really an appropriate question.  Bah humbug. 

Day 198 - I am so broken

I determined that I don't know when I am hungry, but I also don't really know if I am full unless I am too full.  I realize that those surgeries that will make your stomach smaller, or pills that will suppress your appetite would never work on me since I don't have the same hunger cues as everyone else and I don't seem to have the full cues either.

On Optifast I was never hungry and I was never full.  I didn't have the problem that others had in the beginning where they were starving, but I don't really feel my stomach has shrunk.  I was afraid to eat when we started to eat, now I am afraid to eat because I worry that I will eat to much.

When did this happen?  Have I always not had hunger/full cues?  Is there some chemical that I am missing?  Am I having them and I just don't recognize them?  Or maybe I am just never hungry?  I sit here thinking about being hungry and I suddenly think I am very hungry, but I just had a big cup of tea and an egg bake - so I don't think I should be hungry.  Maybe I should be full?

Who knows if I don't?

Day 197 - It is not my fault that I am this way

As I have been losing weight I look back at my mental conversations and  sometimes wonder what was I thinking?  I have very little patience for people who blame everything on their parents, siblings, teachers, family dog, fish, cat, you get the picture.  

I will never say forget the wrongs or injustices done to you, just don't blame those wrongs and injustices on your current problems.  But when you are overweight you don't want to blame yourself for the problem, there is always an external problem.

So I had a friend who was overweight and they would always tell me that it is impossible to lose weight once it is gained.  That she was always going to be heavy no matter what she did.  That resonated and when I started gaining weight I always heard her at the back of my head saying if it goes on it will never come off.  I tried a number of times to take it off, doing different types of diets, but never succeeding for any length of time.  TH always told me I didn't have any "won't" power, and that used to just tick me off.  So I couldn't say no according to TH and according to L I couldn't take it off once it was on - so what is a girl to do.  Blame them because they told me I couldn't do it?

No this is all on me - and while I wish there was a magic solution to this problem it is a slow ponderous process, so I plug on - hoping I won't use them as an excuse to fail

Day 196 - Easter

So I have a plan for the day in which I have double the calories at lunch then I normally do.  With TH's cooking I am probably underestimating the calories, but I am going to give it the old college try.  For breakfast and dinner I am having Optifast and for snacks fruit, so cross your fingers and hope I can do it today.

I bought clothes that were two sizes too small, and when they came I could get into them, but the pants felt uncomfortable.  I do realize that I have only been wearing stretchy pants for the last 12 years, so I am not sure how none stretchy pants are suppose to feel, but I do think they are too tight.  It would have been nice to wear for easter as it was a very Eastery outfit, but I just couldn't bear it being tight, so back to the closet it went.  I am still wearing the same clothes that I wore seven months ago, I think that I am the only person in group who hasn't gone out and bought a new wardrobe.  But I have bought new shoes, in fact I have bought maybe 25 pairs of new shoes, hunting for that perfect fit.

B kept saying even your fingers are skinnier, I can't believe how skinny your fingers are - well my fingers are not skinny and I have at least another 40 pounds before I can fit into my rings.  But that too is coming.  People never think about jewelry when they think about losing weight, but were as most are trying on old smaller size clothes, I am trying on older more exotic jewelery.  Hah!!!  I know what is important when it comes to losing weight, putting on that diamond ring my fingers got to fat for!!!