I don't like pictures even when I was thin, I always thought that I was ugly in them and I just didn't like looking at the way I looked. After I gained the weight, I looked at those old pictures and thought "what were you thinking you didn't look bad" but at the time I just thought I looked horrible.
It is all about the self esteem. I was never pretty enough - skinny enough - smart enough. If anyone told me I was pretty, I always - always thought they were making fun of me. I know my siblings thought that I thought I was pretty, but they be wrong.
So over the last few years I have taken to spending as little time looking in the mirror as humanly possible, but I wish that I had been taking pictures along the way. I wish I had something to document the loss visually. However; I don't want to see the pictures we are going to get at graduation, because it will just bring home how much more I have to go and I am getting more comfortable with myself now, but I am afraid seeing the pictures will be a step back. So I am torn. I am in lala land right now, maybe it will be good to get that jolt. Maybe I should do the program again? Oh who knows.
It is all about the self esteem. I was never pretty enough - skinny enough - smart enough. If anyone told me I was pretty, I always - always thought they were making fun of me. I know my siblings thought that I thought I was pretty, but they be wrong.
So over the last few years I have taken to spending as little time looking in the mirror as humanly possible, but I wish that I had been taking pictures along the way. I wish I had something to document the loss visually. However; I don't want to see the pictures we are going to get at graduation, because it will just bring home how much more I have to go and I am getting more comfortable with myself now, but I am afraid seeing the pictures will be a step back. So I am torn. I am in lala land right now, maybe it will be good to get that jolt. Maybe I should do the program again? Oh who knows.
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