So more rants. I have always felt that we as a species like to attribute blame where it will least hurt us. And we as a society help throw that blame around. But last night the facilitator wanted to know what was to blame for my immense weight gain. Did I have an abusive childhood? Was I emotionally neglected. Did I have problems with dealing with life. Was I trying to hide from the world? What would cause me to lose it and give in. What trigger must I be aware of in order not to fall back into that black hole of being the biggest girl on the playground?
Truth? Simple. I like food. If a little is good a lot is better. The taste ends, and I enjoy it so much that I don't want it to end. I like it. That is why - at least for me - stapling my stomach or having some type of gastric surgery just wouldn't work for me. It isn't ever about being hungry, I am not overweight because I get hungry. I get overweight because I like the taste of ice cream. I like the texture on my tongue, I like the sweet flavor, I like the cold iciness of it. If I could eat ice cream all day long without getting fat I would. In fact if I had five months to live I would make sure that Ice Cream was with me for those last five months -everyday - I would eat it.
But I felt that way about smoking too. I loved everything about cigarettes. I loved the way it would relax me. I loved the smell, I loved the way it felt going into my lungs. And they were such relaxing moments in time, a moment out of time almost. But I quit. I quit cold turkey. And now 20 years later if I had five months to live would I start smoking again? Probably not, the memory is too far away. But it is a very similar feeling I had for cigarettes that I have for food. You just can't go cold turkey with food.
So for those people who can eat a single piece of chocolate - I applaud you, but you are not like me. I might be able to eat one piece of chocolate once, but I could never continuing eating a piece of chocolate a day after a few days it would be two - then four then... Call me weak, but at least I now acknowledge that weakness and I can combat it. And I know it isn't about anybody but me. Eating just doesn't happen to be my demon.
Truth? Simple. I like food. If a little is good a lot is better. The taste ends, and I enjoy it so much that I don't want it to end. I like it. That is why - at least for me - stapling my stomach or having some type of gastric surgery just wouldn't work for me. It isn't ever about being hungry, I am not overweight because I get hungry. I get overweight because I like the taste of ice cream. I like the texture on my tongue, I like the sweet flavor, I like the cold iciness of it. If I could eat ice cream all day long without getting fat I would. In fact if I had five months to live I would make sure that Ice Cream was with me for those last five months -everyday - I would eat it.
But I felt that way about smoking too. I loved everything about cigarettes. I loved the way it would relax me. I loved the smell, I loved the way it felt going into my lungs. And they were such relaxing moments in time, a moment out of time almost. But I quit. I quit cold turkey. And now 20 years later if I had five months to live would I start smoking again? Probably not, the memory is too far away. But it is a very similar feeling I had for cigarettes that I have for food. You just can't go cold turkey with food.
So for those people who can eat a single piece of chocolate - I applaud you, but you are not like me. I might be able to eat one piece of chocolate once, but I could never continuing eating a piece of chocolate a day after a few days it would be two - then four then... Call me weak, but at least I now acknowledge that weakness and I can combat it. And I know it isn't about anybody but me. Eating just doesn't happen to be my demon.
Could you eat a petit-four a day? Would knowing that they cost about $4 each help?
ReplyDeleteI used to say that if I found I had cancer, my first step would be to buy a carton of Camels. Since I too haven't smoked in almost 22 years, I can truthfully say that I have lost the desire to have cigarettes. I think I would drink more red wine & good bourbon however.
T3 can keep the ice cream as long as I get the potatoes & bacon (even if I have to share some with Tolar & Taya)
i quit smoking cold turkey, too. at least five times!
ReplyDeleteNo, actually I know exactly what you mean.