This struggle with my weight has been going on for more then half my life. As I get closer to the weight I want to be I remember back in high school when I weighed this amount and everyone called me fat. Fat/big what have you. I only got to get new store bought clothes once growing up and I remember the clerk saying I was a big girl. I always thought that is why my mom never bought me new clothes, because I was too big. It is amazing how a single throw away comment can hurt a young child.
I was a big girl. I swam. My legs were big, my thighs were big, my hips were big. But I wasn't fat. I know that, I see that in the pictures, but I thought I was and that was enough. But did poor body image make me fat? No of course not. But it did lend to my having a ridiculous idea of how much I should weigh and what I should be able to fit into. My ideal goal was to weigh 120 pounds. I thought that was what I should weigh, and what everyone thought I should weigh. The fact that I was in size 14 at the age of 14 was embarrassing, but not as embarrassing then what I was at two years ago.
I am, as I have said before, tired of the weight game. I am tired of waiting for the scale to go down, I am tired of the whole shebang. It is exhausting to have so much of your self worth wrapped up in your weight. And all my energy is gone. I have no more energy. I don't have energy to move or swim or hike or ride. The low calorie diet has taken it all from me. I am tired in more ways then one. I am not doing this again. Ever. I am done - forever. I am never ever going to go on an extended liquid diet no matter what. Done. Finis. Over.
I was a big girl. I swam. My legs were big, my thighs were big, my hips were big. But I wasn't fat. I know that, I see that in the pictures, but I thought I was and that was enough. But did poor body image make me fat? No of course not. But it did lend to my having a ridiculous idea of how much I should weigh and what I should be able to fit into. My ideal goal was to weigh 120 pounds. I thought that was what I should weigh, and what everyone thought I should weigh. The fact that I was in size 14 at the age of 14 was embarrassing, but not as embarrassing then what I was at two years ago.
I am, as I have said before, tired of the weight game. I am tired of waiting for the scale to go down, I am tired of the whole shebang. It is exhausting to have so much of your self worth wrapped up in your weight. And all my energy is gone. I have no more energy. I don't have energy to move or swim or hike or ride. The low calorie diet has taken it all from me. I am tired in more ways then one. I am not doing this again. Ever. I am done - forever. I am never ever going to go on an extended liquid diet no matter what. Done. Finis. Over.
Amen!
ReplyDeleteCan we go bike riding now? At your low energy level, maybe I can keep up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that you'd only acquired store bought clothes once - wow!
Today, "Mom made" clothes are a luxury only a very few lucky folks have - I wish I could fit into my mom made cowboy shirts (which I've kept).
I too will be glad when the "liquid phase" is over since it's more fun to cook for two & I miss our Japanese & Indian meals (other than the high sodium part - sigh!).